Lock, load, and fire at will!

[rigged4dive]

My first story hit the board yesterday, and I would love to get some scathingly honest feedback.

Your help in making the next one better than this one is greatly appreciated.

-R4D

---------------------------------------------------------
"Emergency deep!"
"Rig for ultra-quiet, rig for depth charge!"

 

[rigged4dive]

Oops!

forgot the link.

Silly me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=35393

 

[sxyladyUK]

great story, really enjoyed it

like the use of words/details....


cool title too.

luv sxyladyUK xx

 

[MaxSebastian]

Not a bad story, I thought - you're a good writer and the prose is easy on the eye, plenty of dialogue and a decent pace with no real swampy areas to bog down the eye. I very much liked the setting, though you could possibly have made a little more of the atmosphere under that rain, and the sex was good, too, though maybe not completely earth-shattering.

I thought the major problem - for me, anyhow - was the slightly sketchy characters. We found out what the luvverly lady looked like, we found out that the narrator might have something problematic in his past, but that was about it. Sure, it's good for a character to have a bit of mystery surrounding them, but these two were just a little two dimensional to really stir the interest. Who were these people? They seemed to have nothing going on in their lives, nothing to really motivate them to come together as they did, nothing to add any conflict or spice to their budding relationship. The guy obviously had money, as she probably did not, but we know nothing about them.

Then they go off into the sunset at the end, but because we don't really know much about where they came from or what difficulties they've got through, we're not so bothered about what happens to them after the story comes to an end.

My other criticism (though it might seem a little irrelevant), I felt the title of the story, which seemed to be nothing more than a reference to a snapshot of the woman when she was in the bath, didn't do the piece the justice it could have. I think it could have been chosen better to further the ambitions of the whole piece. There's some more info on the importance of titles in this article by the ever helpful Whispersecret:

How to Get People to Read Your Story


Max.

 

[rigged4dive]

First, and foremost, thank you for reading my story, and providing feedback.

Max, you have some very good points there.

I would have liked to flesh out the characters a bit more, but after filling so much space with a complete lack of sex; I began to be afraid that people might think that the fact that this is site for erotic fiction had totally slipped my mind.

As for the title, well, I had to work very hard at arranging that. You see, the whole piece is a bit of a head nod to one of my favorite authors, John D. McDonald and his fictional character Travis McGee. All of the McGee books have a color in the title, and one of the colors never used was white. The location was also in homage to the McGee books. Sort of like having the narrator meet a girl waiting on the steps of the flat at 21 Baker Street.

I will certainly check out WhisperSecrets link that you provided.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my story, and provide me with admittedly much needed help.

-R4D
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Emergency deep!"
"Rig for ultra-quiet, rig for depth charge!"

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

This is just a technical type comment. I've posted two paragraphs which appear near the end of your story. In them, the word "her" appears a total of 16 times (according to a MSWord count). The final, 47 word paragraph, has six of them.

If you don't think that's a problem, then I'm sorry I've wasted your time. RF

---

The smell of healthy, well scrubbed and slightly overheated girl filled the room as I took her into my arms, and kissed her. Her mouth was soft, and willing under my own, and opened, searching greedily as my tongue touched her lips. As we kissed her body molded to mine, seeming to fill every gap between us with exquisitely perfect girl. I peeled the old sweatshirt off over her head, losing the towel on her hair in the process. Her red hair tumbled down over pale and slightly freckled shoulders to her perfect breasts. She laid back on the king size bed, and watched without comment as I undressed.

I kissed her again as I laid down next to her, and then nudged her gently into rolling over on her stomach. She made a soft, pleasant, purring sound deep in her throat as I nibbled softly on her ear, and nuzzled the back of her neck.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Technically speaking, you can't overuse pronouns.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Grammatically speaking, you may be right (what I ain't, is a grammarian) However, IMHO, a writer who repeats a pronoun, or any other type of word, three times in one sentence (and does that twice in one 47 word paragraph) may run the risk of throwing the reader out of the story.

This "overuse" isn't "wrong" and some cases can be effective. My goal was to let the writer know that at least on compulsive fuss budget had noticed. Now it's up to the writer do decide what, if anything, to do with the info.

R Foreskin

 

[rigged4dive]

RF, I'll definately take a closer look at that. It is entirely possible that, at that particular point in the story, I could have been a bit caught up in, well, less technical issues.

As allways, thank you for taking the time to read, and comment on my story.