"Liz Enslaved: Rug Pull" - feedback appreciated

[TheWritingGroup]

I think I've mentioned before: when I write, I put down way too much, then cut out big pieces. This one (in my word processor) had 25 pages at one point, and the published version has 17. Originally, I started with a long, dialogue-heavy courtroom scene, then a flashback to Liz talking to her lawyer, then a court security officer lecturing Liz on proper slave behavior, then her waiting to be loaded into a truck, then being loaded into the truck, then the truck driving, and then finally the scene where her cage is offloaded.

It was dire.

So to everyone who reads "Rug Pull": you're welcome. I removed all of that.

Darkness. The cage rocked from side to side, bouncing her off the chicken wire.

I'm curious what other people thought of this. I happen to think it's one of my better hooks.

A tall, muscular, light-skinned Black woman with her hair in a in a startling purple mohawk no, look down, not at their faces! walked out in front of them ...

Katie (we learn her name next chapter) originally had a green buzzcut in my manuscript, but then Rocco had Chris in "Snuggy-Wuggy" with that exact hair, so I changed it.

... Mohawk pressed an automatic syringe against her arm. There was a slight, sharp pain and a feeling of pressure. Shit, shit, shit. That had to be a shot of Horny Juice, ildeslafine. She could feel her face contort and go pale, feel the cold sweat break out.

As we learned in "Coffee", Liz is terrified of drugs because her brother is an addict. She's also all about self-control and being rational, and as a pharma technician she's aware that Horny Juice is going to make that impossible.

Liz tried to speak, but no, still devoiced. She nodded. The mention of "gyno" was apparently enough for Horny Juice to remind her that she really, really needed to fuck someone or something soon.

Originally I had vaginal for gyno in there, even though nobody had used that word. I have no idea how.

Ben, I miss you. And I hate you.

I didn't originally plan to keep Ben's betrayal mysterious, but as I wrote it was natural. Reveal will happen in Liz Enslaved 03.

Together, Mikey and Bossman answered, "Good girl!"

Two things here: throughout, Liz names everyone in her head. She's very organized, she needs tags for people. Also, notice that the first wrangler didn't say anything. You'll find out why next chapter.

There's something I hope was subtle in here, but you don't have enough clues to understand it quite yet. Notice that on Liz's Day One, none of the wranglers put a penis in her vagina. That's because she only just got a contraceptive shot, and they don't want her pregnant--harder to sell. They have to wait a couple of days. So how did Phil fuck the Asian girl? Stay tuned for her origin story in "Pranked", now in first-draft form.

I'm curious if people realized that "Good Girl" is meant to be a conditioning thing. The wranglers want slaves to associate that with rewards, the way dogs feel about "clickers" in obedience training.

So, any questions? Comments? Suggestions for future chapters?

 

[Some_French_guy]

I General

I can't speak for everyone of course, but my top stories in this slave universe are the ones written by Joe Doe, which generally show the following stories in my opinion:

1) An intelligent woman, with some submissive fantasies
2) A sub that is able to analyze what is happening to her own mind, yet is not able to prevent it, but end up enjoying her newself
3) Even if the plot and the story shows a lot of slavery and Non consent stuff, actually the sub is enjoying herself - she needs to have lots, lots of orgasms. At the same time, she is humiliated in lots of possible ways imaginable.
4) I'm more in favor of good endings - doesn't happen always with Joe.

Of course, such stories are absolutely unrealistic - real slavery is horrible - but this is not the point of an erotic story, which appeals to fantasies.


II Your chapter
Regarding your first chapter, I especially liked the own analysys of the sub of what is happening to her, and the internal dialogue - it shows the progressive slave mind that is happening to her, and yet she is still ashamed by it.
The conditioning is also very hot.

There is nothing more exciting as the description of a sub which is both ashamed and enjoying what is happening to her - once the story describes a sub in full acceptance, it becomes more "robotic", pure "porn" and less interesting imho.

The description of an established system of slavery is also well done in your chapter, with a lot of twisted mini-games to make the slaves even more submissive.


III Suggestions
After the auction that is surely going to happen, I would advise to show the slave discovering new situations that were not previously described in this universe.

Couple of ideas:

- The slave is acquired by a 5 stars hotel resort. The 5 star resorts is an adult only bdsm theme. Newbie slaves are assigned to cleaning, and reception. They are all rated, and the top slaves are assigned to be the furniture of one of the room of the resort / to be assigned to the spa...etc. Top slaves have better conditions of living, leading to fierce competition.
Lots of potential and potential erotic situations there I think.

- The slave is made to recruit some new slaves, by participating to slave yoga classes / spotting the ones with the most submissive potential / convincing them to get a slave grading / self enslave

- The slave is acquired by a former friend / boyfriend, and is shown in her new condition to lots of old friends / teachers / colleagues

IV Conclusion
Sorry for this wall of text!

Bottom line is your first chapter was one I most preferred in this universe.
Looking forward to the following chapters!

I tried to write myself stories in this universe. Unfortunately English is not my native language. I have lots of ideas of situations to be described, but no inspiration to write complete stories for them.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Thanks, @Some_French_guy.

I appreciate the comments. I'm actually working on an essay about Joe Doe (still early stages).

On the other hand, my prep for the Liz Enslaved stories would be a great example of an extreme outliner. I have at least 10 or 11 chapters outlined, with detailed plots including some descriptions and dialogue. I know the major incidents, and I know the ending. The next two chapters are already written. So ... I won't spoil whether I'm going to do any of the things you mention, but I already have far too many ideas for Liz!

For this particular series, I was thinking of suggestions about how to improve my craft. The pacing, the chapter break placement, the descriptive language, the ratio of sex-to-plot--these are the areas I'm insecure about.

Thanks again!

-Annie

 

[Some_French_guy]

Well i'm not the best commentator for the descriptive language, I'm not an expert in English.

I would say that the ratio of sex-to-plot as you say is better when you alternate between the two.
Your first chapter is top tier for this imo. If you continue this way it would be excellent.

There is no point to write 30 lines straight only talking about sex acts - might as well look to a porn video.
The big plus of writing versus a video is that we can be described the characters own thoughts, and the overall universe, far better than any video.


As for chapter break placement, in my experience 8k to 11k words per chapter are the most enjoyable to read.
The way literotica UI is done, more than that is painful to read, but less than that is too short.

As a reader, it's generally not that important for me at what point in the plot does the chapter end, as I tend to read the full story again once it's released. Not really fond of cliffanghers as well.

Finally, your use of complete lines to differentiate between two situations and show that we are entering another "mini chapter" is an excellent idea - again with this UI interface, it can quickly feel that we are reading a wall of text otherwise.

But well, these are my own thoughts - maybe others would have different opinions.

I hope it helps!

 

[MrSmith27]

For the best psychological effect Horny Juice should be injected into the buttocks driving home the sexual nature of the drug. It furthers the slave’s conditioning.

Again, I loved the start. It has a grittiness to it that sets the tone for the story. Arriving at a slave training facility should be dark and you delivered. The parts you cut out create the mystery of how Liz ended up in the collar.

As a reader I’m not sure I liked paragraphs that included a description of something that happened, Liz’s thoughts in italics and a statement in quotes. It was hard to follow at first. Maybe that style will grow on me.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Thanks for the kind words.

The style is experimental. Everything I post here is experimental. I learn from my failures, I hope.

You'll probably find Eddie's "Harmless" way worse. He really pushed that complicated style idea even further.

-Annie