Little Johnny Jokes

[DannyBoyUK]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentences twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought My mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in Math.
"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's what I said!

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny and his mom are at Sunday mass. When they are standing in the pew Johnny says, "Mommy, I really feel sick and have to throw up!"
So his mom says, "Go outside run across the lawn and throw up behind the bushes." Johnny says, "Okay."

He comes back in less than 30 seconds and his mom says, "Johnny, did you go outside run across the lawn and throw up behind the bushes?"

Johnny responds, "No mom, I didn't have to because when I got to the door there was a box that said 'FOR THE SICK'

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny's teacher asked him to write about Hooked on Phonics. He wrote: "Hokd on foneks relee wurcd four me."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.
After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !!I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was... The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: " What is 3x3? " Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?" Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, " Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

One day little johnny was in class and the teacher called out a word. The word was definitely. The object was to use the word in a sentence.
The teacher saw little Johnny's hand raised but she didn't want to call on him because he always used bad words in sentences. After a while since nobody else raise there hand the teacher called on little Johnny.

The teacher expected something rude but first little Johnny said that he just had a Question. The teacher was relieved and asked Johnny what his question was.

He said, "Do farts have lumps in them"? The teacher replied no and ask Johnny if he still had a sentence. Johnny replied yes, my sentence is, I definitely just shitted my pants."

 

[tin_tinr]

little johhny comes home from school walks into
the kitchen and says mum mum ive just had sex with the teacher
mum is disgusted and tells johnny to go see his father
dad dad ive just had sex johnny says
his dad feeling rather proud says well done johnny
as a treat you can have a go on your brothers new bike
johnny says piss off dad my arse is still sore

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while then he turned off most of the lights. The he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.

This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out the God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs do she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!

It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle. They finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet."

His mother fainted.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

One day, Little Johnny's teacher stood before the class and said, "Children, I want you to go home today and learn the first 4 numbers."
Little Johnny, wanting to impress his teacher, went right home and preceded to ask his family.

He went in his sister's room and he asked her, "Sissy, what's the first number?" She didn't hear him because she was singing along with her headphones, screaming "I DON'T CARE!!!" to the beat.

Little Johnny then went to ask his brother. "Bubba, what's the second number?" But he wasn't paying attention;he was reading a Superman comic and saying "Supermannnn!"

Little Johnny then went to ask his dad. "Daddy what's the third number?" His dad was on the phone, saying "Yes!Yes!Yes!"

Little Johnny finally went to ask his mom."Mommy what's the fourth number?" Smoke curled from the inside of the oven and she shouted "Oh my God, my biscuits are burning!!!"

The next day at school, Little Johnny was the first person to raise his hand when the teacher asked who had done what she had asked.

"Johnny, what's the first number?

"I don't care!"

"Johnny, who do you think you are talking rudely like that?"

"Superman!!"

"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Moments later, as the Little Johnny was getting paddled by the principal, his shouts could be heard all the way across the school...

"OH MY GOD, MY BISCUITS ARE BURNING!!!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny walked in one day on his dad in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs was. His father replied,"that it was the perfect penis."
The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. "What's that?" asked Suzie.

"Well,"said Johnny, "if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A nun asked her class, "What part of the body goes into heaven first?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I know, I know, the top of your head."

The nun asks, "Why do you say that?"

The little girl says, "Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!"

The nun replies, "That makes sense, anyone else?"

Another little girl says, "I know, I know, the tips of your fingers."

The nun asks, "Why the tips of your fingers?"

The little girl replies, "Because when you put your hands together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven first!"

The nun says, "OK, anyone else?"

Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.

The nun says, "OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?"

"Your feet! Your feet do, for sure!" yells Johnny.

The nun, puzzled, asks, "Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?"

"Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing laying down on the seat, and.....

"Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny was in school one morning and his teacher said, "Ok kids every Friday from now on I will ask a question, and who ever answers it can stay off school the following monday"
So on the following Friday the teacher said to the class how many grains of sand are there on a beach?

No one answered

The following Friday the teacher asked ok kids how many stars are there in space?

No one answered

By this time Little Johnny had copped on to the teachers little plan so the following thursday night after school he painted two ping pong balls black and put them in his school bag

That morning was time for Johnny's plan to come to action so the teacher said

Ok children here is today question...

At this point Johnny tippe his bag so the ping pong balls fell out..

The teacher say, "Ok who is the comedian with the black balls?"

Johnny stood up said, "Eddie Murphy, see you on Tuesday" and walked out.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

One day Little Johnny was playing in the back yard. Curiously his Mom watched him out the window and observed his doing something peculiar.
He was pulling his wagon, then he would stop, pop a few M&Ms in his mouth, bite the cat and pull his wagon away.

She watched as he repeated this 3 times. Then worried about his behavior she walked outside.

"Little Johnny what on earth are you doing?"

"I'm pretending to be a truck driver, like Daddy is" he explained.

"What do you mean?" she asked, baffled.

"well I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and trucking on down the road".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles sheepishly and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

'Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"