Literotica Writer's Group, Round 1

[KillerMuffin]

Hopefully under my name this time. Some have asked me where this is.

This will have to be close enough to Monday the 13th. I can't hold it anymore, I wanna see if this bird flies or crashes and burns like the one in Bug's Life.

Okay. To recap:

Timeline, by midnight PST:

August 13th: picture or thesis statement is posted, discussion begins with the first posted writing sample
August 20th: close of writing sample posts
August 27th: end of discussion on this thread
August 27th+ we regroup and consider if this thing will fly and how it might be improved for next round.

The Rules, as it were:

Please try to keep your post to one word processor page in length. We don't have a tremendous lot of room here and it's about the writing itself, not the story.

Please try to remember that you're supposed to be constructive, not destructive, in your comments. The goal is to help improve the writing, not to be better than anyone else.

If you post a writing sample, you should participate in the discussion of others to help this bad boy work.

Please put an introduction on what kind of help you might be looking for at the top of your writing sample. like this:

[Introduction about what we are about to read. A brief description of where we are in the story and what the story is in a sentence or two.

Then, follow with the prose to fill the rest of the page. It doesn't have to be a complete idea, story or thought. But hopefully it does fulfill what you intended.

When it comes to discussion, please put the name of the author whose sample you are discussing at the head of your discussions/critiques for clarity. You may put several in one post, just make sure it's clear what you're discussing.

This is open to those who like to participate as it is for the first round. We'll discuss more on it after the first round to see how it might work the best. There is no restriction on how you interpret the picture or thesis statement, no restriction to category, tense, POV, or who your characters must be. Just no minors.

Some helpful hints on the criticism portion of the postings:

Judo
After you post, the other writers in the group will respond with feedback on what works and what doesn't for them. Either way, responses should be constructive criticism. An idea the writer can build from to improve.

I like to think of this as a "safe space." Which means no judgemental, if offends me, egotistical commentary should be tolerated. Just help us poor writers get better.

Bluetrain
well, whenever we as a class analyze a story, i have my students use questioning that can only lead to formative, constructive answers or discovery.

questions come in three categories:

literal: questions that can be answered yes or no (example: "do you like this character?" or, "do I set up the conflict at all?"

interpretive: questions that can be debated and can be supported by the text at hand (examples: "how can I make this plot more cohesive?" or, "IN what ways can this dialogue sound more real?"

and finally, evaluative: questions whose answers go beyond the text to the critic's and writer's experiences. examples: "do YOU think this story is appropriate for the intended audience?" or, "would YOU ever have a conversation like these characters are having?"

obviously, we focus on interpretive and evaluative questioning, as they lead to better and more developed responses. the answers are only as good as the questions.....

Thanks for trying this idea out!

Without further adieu, the picture for today. I hope it works. I thought it was interesting and that a talented writer could certainly work with it. If you want to write a story, please do!

 

[Mickie]

All right, I'll go first.

This is just a simple description of two lovers meeting. It isn’t a story, but I suppose it could be the beginning of one. It really is more of a reasoning for the picture than a story. (And that damned fence reminded me of one of my gradeschool playyards *grins*)

The Kiss

The schoolyard was deserted. He wandered the sparse grass, trailing one hand over an antiquated teeter-totter, wondering if she even remembered where the old gradeschool was. They’d gone there together, years ago, when she still wore her dark hair in braids to keep it out of her face, and he’d still been a naive kid.

The first kiss he’d ever gotten from a girl was here, under the metal bars of a jungle gym so rusted it appeared covered in blood. He’d been so surprised at the kiss that he’d forgotten how to speak for a while. She’d giggled and jumped up, running to her group of friends, who’d joined in a girlish giggle-fest.

Still, he remembered the feeling of her lips pressed against his for a finite point in time. Soft, warm, tasting of sunshine and strawberries, he’d never gotten over it.

In high school she’d lost the braids and the giggles in favor of curls and sexy looks. Since he’d been in love with her since their jungle gym tryst, he accepted that change as he accepted everything else about her. She bought a black leather jacket and wore it to the prom. He thought she looked beautiful.

She was still beautiful.

There she was, running her hand along the fence that surrounded the yard, smiling, swinging her jean-encased hips to the tune of some inner song. His heart thumped in his chest. She was his. She had been his since they’d made love in the back of his father’s fifty-seven Chevy; all sweat and heat, pushing against each other until the shuddering finish. He’d given her his heart beneath the jungle gym, and she’d given him her body years later.

She stopped on the other side of the fence and crooked her finger, smiling the same smile she’d used to lure him beneath the metal bars at the age of eight. He responded now as he had then, moving toward her without a thought of retreat.

The triangular mesh of metal pressed against her face as he approached, and her dark eyes were fixed on the jungle gym. He leaned, attempting a kiss through the fence.

No giggle resounded in his ears, and her lips pressed against his. Still the half-remembered taste of sunshine and strawberries made his heart thud in his chest. She was his, and always would be.


The end.


Did I do it right? The length, that is. It was under one page in my processor.

Mickie

 

[SteamyChik]

[My main goals for this sumbission are 1) to write correctly in First Person, and 2) to make the story interesting in the short amount of space (one page) available. Any other feedback welcome, too.]

*****************

I watched the two kids kissing. The fence-fucking needed to end, I thought with a sigh. That’s what we called it from the inside. Fence-fucking. The kids that got sent to this minimum-security prison always seemed to have some poor, stupid girl on the other side missing them. In this case, the girl had been here every day to see Charlie.

Charlie and his girl had progressed from talking, to touching fingers, and now kissing. I had to end it or the hormons made them more difficult to handle. Charlie was a hard case. He had been convicted of shoplifting, carrying a concealed weapon, assault and car theft. He was going to be in here for a while.

His girl was a real looker too, tall, thin with long sexy dark hair. Watching them while they locked lips through the fence, I could see her nipples getting hard. She was a hot little number.

“Hey, Charlie, back off the fence now!” I shouted.

He ignored me, big surprise, and I rolled my eyes. Glancing around the yard, I took note of where everyone was, especially my back up. Letting your gaurd down in this place could get you hurt or dead. Pete nodded at me.

“Charlie, I said get the fuck off the fence now!” I moved toward them, hand on my gun, adrenaline shooting through my veins as my body prepared to fight. I was close enough to hear the girl.

“Come on Charlie, do what they tell you! Then maybe you can get out faster. The baby is coming whether you are out here or not,” the girl said trying to reach through the fence.

“Come on baby, give me back those sweet lips of yours, that jerk off guard can suck my dick,” Charlie said.

“Charlie, take your girl’s advice and back off the fence. You know the rules. I don’t want any trouble today,” I said quietly and watched as the young punk tensed up. I was relaxed but ready for him.

“Charlie! Please,” the girl begged almost crying. “Please, baby, you have to get out and take care of me and the baby!”

“Don’t pressure me about the baby, bitch. It’s not coming out for what? 7 months? It may not even be mine!” He snarled at the girl and then hit the fence hard.

I ignored her sobbing and went for Charlie. “Ok, Charlie, that’s all for today, back inside!” I shouted, grabbing him by the arm and forcing it up between his shoulder blades.

 

[SteamyChik]

Mickie - The Kiss FEEDBACK

Originally posted by Mickie - The Kiss

Hi Mickie,

My thoughts on your story are:

- I enjoyed the way it had a beginning, middle and end
- Great adjectives and scene setting
- Nice story, remembering back, present and future
- I thought the story may have worked better in first person, the boys view maybe?
- It seemed that the "age" of the characters were a little older than was in the picture. That may be me, I just think of remembering and that type of commitment coming from someone older.

All in all, a great little snippet!

I'm terrible at giving feedback, so I hope to learn how to give better feedback too from this thread, too.

SteamyChik

 

[Alex De Kok]

Well, here goes for me! I guess I must have looked at that picture a hundred times, trying to think of something to write. KM, what the hell was in your mind?!

Mine is an experimental vignette, dialogue only, untagged. One page only in Word2000, but 10 pt.

I'll wait a day or two for some others to post before giving feedback

***

"No, honey, down a little. That's not my lips, that's fence. Honey, the fence is cold and tastes of galvanised steel and pigeon shit. I don't, at least not recently."

"Sorry baby, I'm still not used to this. C'mon now, is this better?"

"Mmm, yeah, love the taste of those lips. Strawberry, with just a hint of garlic. You been eating pizza, baby?"

"That was yesterday! Can you still tell?"

"Just a little. Makes me jealous."

"Why, what did you have?

"Cheese sandwiches and an apple."

"That sounds OK to me."

"Yeah, it was, but it gets boring eating cheese sandwiches every day."

"So have a change! Who makes them?"

"Me."

" ! "

"Yeah, I know, I should be more adventurous."

"Just a little. Kiss me again. Mmm."

"MmmHmm."

"Ahh, that's so good. Oh, hell. When do you get out?"

"Not for a while yet. Keep a look out for the principal."

"You don't like him, do you."

"No, he treats students like shit."

"What about the other teachers?"

"Most of them are OK."

"Zanelli?"

"God, no. He always looks at me as if I'm a redundant piece of shit."

"Poor baby! God, is that the time?"

"Do you have to go?"

"'fraid so, Baby. You?"

"Honey, you know I do. Someone has to teach the poor bastards."

***

 

[Mickie]

Hi, all! Let's keep this going! Here's my responses to the posts that have already been put up.

SteamyChik’s story --

First, the idea behind the scene was interesting. And your characters were well thought out. You gave us a good idea just what kind of people they all are, including the guard. Now, as for first person -- you seem to be doing it right. I didn’t catch any place where you changed tenses or perspectives. The only thing I can really suggest is to clean up some of the wording. ‘Had’ is over-used and quite a bit of them could be cut out, smoothing the writing a little.

IE: ‘I had watched them go from talking, to touching finders, and now kissing.’ It sounds better if you start it with, ‘I watched them...’ Or even, ‘They went from talking...’

First person is a little difficult. The hardest thing to do is to stop using ‘I’ in every sentence. In this case, ‘I watched’ is a bit overdone. You don’t have to include the narrator in every sentence just because he’s the viewpoint.

IE: ‘I watched them while they locked lips through the fence.’ Could change to -- ‘They locked lips through the fence.’ Then the next line: ‘I could see her nipples getting hard.’ -- reads more smoothly out of the first line.

Another thing to watch for is getting the reaction before the action. It isn’t that the reaction is more understandable, but the reading is much more smooth and easy to read if you get the sequence right.

IE: ‘I rolled my eyes when he ignored me.’ Ignoring comes first, and it could be described before stating that the guard rolled his eyes.

Capital letters to denote emphasis are a distinct no-no. Use italics if you simply must emphasis a word. And be sparing with the italics, as well. Publishers don’t like to use a lot of fancy fonting, and sparcity is always recommended. Plus, that goes a long way toward making sure your emphasis is noted by the reader. If every other line is italicized, the reader gets bored trying to keep up with it and ignores it. (I don’t see a lot of it here, but I’ve seen it done and it drives me nuts, so I thought I’d put in the added warning here.)

Dialogue: It isn’t difficult to figure out who’s talking, so your dialogue tags were in the right place. In fact, it’s pretty good. However, I think you’re ready for the next step in dialogue construction. Adding those little ‘ly’ words at the end of the tag is how most amateur writers tell about how the speaker is feeling. It’s a shortcut. Cut the ‘ly’ words and use your imagination to come up with another way to delineate how the speaker speaks, feels, etc. An example -- ‘My heart was pounding with sudden anger. I had to keep my voice soft or I’d be pounding on him in a second, just to show him who was in charge here. “Take your girl’s advice, Charlie. Back off the fence.”’ Use all of your senses to describe things, including feelings in dialogue. Was the sun shining, aggravating anyone who was in the yard with the heat and brilliance? Or was it cloudy, promising rain? Dialogue is a part of the action, and only a part. Keep the rest going during the conversation. Murmurs from the gathering crowd, and maybe something about the other guard during the talking. Use the reactions of other characters to heighten the tension, perhaps.

Basically, you accomplished both your objectives, but, as with any writing, it could be improved with a little judicious cutting and embellishing.

Keep working on it, Steamy. You have a lot of promise in this scene. It has conflict and energy, and the potential for a lot of tension that will promote a response from the reader.

SteamyChik’s Crit of Mickie’s scene -- Mickie's response

I’ve copied it here and will give answers after each point.
- I enjoyed the way it had a beginning, middle and end
{I can’t get away from the idea of stories, rather than scenes. I’ll have to work on that}
- Great adjectives and scene setting
{Thanks!}
- Nice story, remembering back, present and future
{Thanks again!}
- I thought the story may have worked better in first person, the boys view maybe?
{After writing in Erica’s first person story, I needed to get away from it. Plus, it was a challenge to work in third person limited for this kind of a personal story. Did it work? Or should I have given up the challenge and done it first person, anyway?}
- It seemed that the "age" of the characters were a little older than was in the picture. That may be me, I just think of remembering and that type of commitment coming from someone older.
{Poetic license? I know they were a bit younger, but the pic was only an inspiration, not a rulebook. Plus, I guess I’ve gotten the ‘no under 18’ rule forged into the back of my brain. I use it even when I don’t have to use it.}

Thanks, Steamy, for the crit. Keep ‘em coming, and we’ll have something here that will benefit the writers and the work that is submitted to Lit!

Alex De Kok’s story --

Hi, Alex. Do you know, it’s really difficult to give a crit on dialogue only? In fact, it reminds me of my co-author’s attempts to ‘help’ me write a novel we’re working on. She drives me nuts ‘cause I can never figure out who’s talking. Tags at least, or the work is too hard to read. Please?

But, what I got out of it and can comment on is the language used here -- Good, very good. It flows like real speech and yet it’s still readable. Tags, and body language, plus a few details about the surroundings would make it a very good effort. That one of them is a teacher, rather than one of the students, gives it a surprise ending that’s fun. (At least I wasn’t aware of it until the end.) I got a chuckle out of it. One thing, and I know you did it because you wanted to show a reaction without writing it, but it made me cringe a little -- that exclamation point in quotes. Please don’t do that. Write out a reaction, if only to add ‘He was surprised.’

All in all, it’s so incomplete as to feel fragmentary, but there is a good beginning here to dialogue. I’d like to find out more about the physical action, though. It would be interesting to read, considering the words they speak.

Mickie

 

[SteamyChik]

FEEDBACK for Alex De Kok

Maybe I am getting hung up on the picture too much. The girl in the picture being a teacher just didn't work for me because she looked so young. Other than that, the dialogue seemed to work fine - giving a glimpse into a brief moment of their clandestine affair. The lack of tags did confuse me at first, until I figured out who was who. If it had been part of a bigger story, I don't think that would have been an issue.

Interesting concept using dialogue only with no tags. I have never been brave enough to do that in my stories. I think I'll try it.

 

[SteamyChik]

Responding to Mickie

{After writing in Erica’s first person story, I needed to get away from it. Plus, it was a challenge to work in third person limited for this kind of a personal story. Did it work? Or should I have given up the challenge and done it first person, anyway?}

I thought about it and if the story was bigger, I think the third person limited would have been ok. Since it was a short complete story, first person may have been best. I don't know

{Poetic license? I know they were a bit younger, but the pic was only an inspiration, not a rulebook. Plus, I guess I’ve gotten the ‘no under 18’ rule forged into the back of my brain. I use it even when I don’t have to use it.}

I had the same problem, making the charactors old enough for Lit policy and still seem believable.

However, I think that does bring up a question. How close do our stories need to relate to the picture? Depending on the answer may influence feedback. I don't want to harp on picture elements if that doesn't really matter

Another question for the list - is feedback on the feedback expected? I'm going to have trouble keeping up with everything!

 

[Bluetrain]

warning: maudlin meanderings to follow...

i'm looking for feedback on story flow and sentence structure. I have a habit of writing in nothing but declaritive sentences, which can get plodding after a while.

also, this isn't "erotic" per se; however, i just couldn't fit explicit erotica into the page limit, especially as its a condensed story. I could definitely explode the story later on.

thanks for your feedback - keep those questions coming!

______________________________


I taste iron on certain summer mornings. Ones that are still and hot and sticky and I wake up with dried nightsweat on my stomach and thighs and the curve of my waist like a dreamfilm, and the sun is seeping through opaque curtains that haven’t moved all night. And iron’s on my tongue like old blood from a long ago slap across the face.

Or ones that crisp and bright and lucid, and the curtains flutter with a breeze redolent of fall and that certain slant of sunlight that casts stark shadows through almost-skeletal trees, trellises, fences. And iron’s on my tongue like memory from a lip bitten in frustration and hurt.

And on those iron mornings when the sun throws diamond shadows through my window frames, I wake and dress without showering and pull my hair through his old baseball cap and drink my tea in the kitchen. I drink Earl Grey on these mornings; its piquant bergamot taste helps fade the iron in my mouth a little, but not all the way, because I want that taste to stay a bit with me for as long as it can. Memory can be masochism, but it can also be solace, and I find if I surround myself with his memories now -- his baseball cap on my head; the chipped, blue-flowered mug he used that still hangs from it’s brass hook over the sink; the small Bugatti alarm clock that ticks quietly on the counter – then that iron taste is like the bergamot stains in my cup: faint, dull, unyielding.

When I walk to work I sometimes turn up 181st street to pass the chain-link fence that cuts the light on the worn pavement into little diamonds. I run my hand along the fence as I walk, like kids do, feeling each thin, rigid metal link flow from my palm to my fingertips and slip away to be replaced by the next. Through the links I can see the front of his old Chevy pickup in profile, peeking out from behind the garage wall. The hood was open for a while from when he was working on it, but someone has closed it now, and a few days ago I noticed someone had taken the headlights, leaving gaping holes on either side of the grill. Like his teacup and clock and cap, his truck is also a bridge to him. But, like all bridges, it’s slowly eroding.

A friend once asked me what coping strategies I was using. I mulled that phrase over – “coping strategies:” as if memory and loss were obstacles to be dealt with through prescribed methods and sequences. Have you ever tasted metal, I asked her? She didn’t know what I meant and I didn’t expect her to. And how could I explain that sometimes on my way to work I would take one of those rigid, iron links in my mouth and feel the grit, the cold iron against my tongue and teeth; taste the metallic bloodiness, and for a brief moment the firm metal would dissolve into his warm lips pressed against mine and I could feel his tongue against my own, his fingers clutching through the fence, entwining with mine, his own scent of faint deodorant and early morning sweat enervating my nostrils. I would drink up his soul, his sunlight, until a pigeon’s wing, a passing car, an approaching footstep, would open my eyes to see only the eyeless truck, the deserted garage, and the silent fence.

And I would lick the blood from my lips and walk down the brightly lit street until I could turn the corner and be out of the sun.

 

[Bluetrain]

Mickie: The Kiss feedback

I have to give you feedback as if it IS a story, despite your qualifier that it's only a rationale for the picture!

Feedback, then questions.


You describe childhood and adolecent progression well. Details of the braids and the phrase "sunshine and strawberries" pull childhood that much closer, while the leather jacket throws us into identity-seeking adolescence adn early adulthood. However, I can't help but be reminded of Olivia Newton-John's character's change in "Grease"!

You pace the story well. Thoughts and actions play roughly equal parts and i never found myself bored with any part.

Your detail "no resounding giggle..." really throws me into serious adulthood. It solidifies the present.


Questions:

1. What mood do you want to establish in the piece? Sometimes its sentimental and nostalgic, while other times it's almost sinister. Your description of their lovemaking and your use of the word "retreat" makes the encounter come across as a test, a battle of sorts, devoid of emotion. How can you establish a firm mood and keep that intense emotion that was in the first part of the story?

2. IN your third paragraph, your main character admits to never getting over that first kiss, and compares it to sunshine and strawberries (nice alliteration!). Yet in the last paragraph, the taste is "half-remembered." What gives?!

3. I'm really curious what relationship the two characters have had in the past. Have they been together all the time? Or are they meeting after a long absence? Whichever the case, how can you establish thir relationship without overtly giving it away?

and I wonder if the antiquated teeter-totter is symbolic of anything? not to mention the "sparse grass..."

 

[cymbidia]

Temper Temper

Main goals:
(1) To introduce an unpleasantly memorable character in the space of a one page vignette.
(2) To write persuasively in the first person.
(3) To get some feedback on the basics of sentence structure and word choices, especially with regard to describing characters. (It’s a known shortcoming for me.)
(4) To have fun and write with people whose writing I admire.

I'll be posting commments on all the stories that have come before mine over the next two days. I need to read and think and evaluate. I don't want to simply rehash points made by those who critiqued before me.

Disclaimer: Temper Temper is one paragraph longer than one WP page in TimesNewRoman font and 12 pt type.


Temper Temper

“You taste like garlic!” I hissed into Dmitri’s mouth just before Gus, the shoot director, snapped out terse directions for us to begin. Again.

“You smell like my lover’s cock,” he simpered back, arcing toward the fence, his pelvis pushing into mine as I tried to look sexy over the stink of the garlic coming at me in waves from his breath.

“CUUUUT!” Gus yelled, angry exasperation coloring his tone.

I pulled away from the fence and turned. “What was wrong with that one?” I asked snappishly, narrowing my eyes at the small bald man carrying a big green clipboard as he pushed through a crowd of onlookers to get to us.

He glared at us both in answer. “You better find a way to make me believe your bodies are going to melt through this fence in order to get at each other or you’re both out of a job, got it? I'm tired of the bullshit. This should have been finished before lunch.”

“I’m sorry, Gus,” I needed the job, the exposure; it was time for some ass kissing. I turned to Dimitri with as sincere a smile as I could manage pasted to my face. “Please, would you go brush your teeth? I really dislike garlic and I think that’s the problem for me.”

“I’m sorry too, Gus,” Dmitri whispered, looking stricken. He shifted a little and raised an eyebrow in my direction. “Of course I’ll go brush my teeth if it’ll please you, La Princepessa. I’ll even gargle. And floss.” He pranced away, his butt twitching as he walked. I saw him blow a kiss to his lover, manning one of the cameras and winced at the frilly way he did it.

I turned back to Gus, glowering a little. “Could you find me anyone more gay to do this with, Gus? Anyone? In all of LA?”

Gus shot a hard look into my eyes. “That’s why they call it acting,” he said, the words tossed coldly over his shoulder as he walked off to talk with the musicians.

The make-up and hair people descended on me like sand flies on seaweed at low tide. Someone patted the perspiration off my forehead while someone else reapplied the lipstick that was already coating my mouth. I felt hands readjusting my clothing, too, and one of those hands reached up under my skirt to pull at my panties.

I shrieked and pulled away from all the hands. “What are you doing?” I demanded, pulling my skirt back down.

The panty-shifter, a young kid, probably a college film student who was thrilled to be working on a real professional production, mumbled something, turning bright red in the process.

Esteban, in overall charge of how I looked for this shoot, wrinkled his brows and pursed his lips. “Davy is just doing his job, Princess,” he said, exasperated severity lacing his words. “Your panties got all shifted around in the last take and I told him to fix them.” He looked over his shoulder. “Here comes Dmitri. Let’s just do this thing, okay? I have plans for tonight.”

 

[Mickie]

Responding to SteamyChik --

First person as opposed to third person limited. You might be right. However, it might have worked in second person as well. Choices!

Closeness to the picture -- The picture must be the inspiration, other than that, I don’t think it should matter how close it is to the actual reality. We’re dealing with imagination here, after all. And the pic is really only to give us something to write about, so we can discuss the writing.

Feedback on feedback -- that, Steamy, is the nature of discussion. They really should use this in the discussion circle, but it’s more of a ‘tell them our thoughts, then run’. There doesn’t seem to be much opportunity for clarifying points there, but I’m hoping that here there will be. That’s my opinion, anyway.

Thanks, Steamy, for your thoughts! Keep 'em coming!

Mickie

 

[Mickie]

Feedback on Bluetrain’s work

First, I didn’t know this had to be erotic in nature. If it did, then we’re all doing it wrong. I don’t think I caught any references to cunt or cock in any of them. I think we’re all looking to improve our writing, period, not just our sexual writings.

The imagery here is wonderful! The words you use to describe are evocative and sad, and just kept making me nod in agreement. Actually, I give you the best compliment I can give -- you made me want to write on my own stuff. The flow of the wording is dramatic, and yet very, very smooth. It gave us a feeling, an emotion that hangs on after the reading is finished.

Plodding? I disagree. Haunting, maybe. It’s writing with the flow of consciousness work. As long as you stick to the main subject, and don’t meander off into something that doesn’t fit the reasoning you’re using, the work moves slowly, like a huge river, inexoriably toward some far distant communion with the ocean. That’s the way this kind of writing should be.

One place where I think you might have strayed was the description of a fall morning. This is a specific place in time, and this morning is hot and sticky, the middle of summer, or so I’m thinking. Another morning is irrelevant, given the focus of the piece. But I see why you put it in. It’s just as descriptive as the hot morning, and I’d hate to cut that bit, myself.

Sentence structure -- There are some long ones in there, certainly. However, I think the mood of the piece entitles you to a few long sentences. Drawing out your thoughts like that enhances, rather than detracts from the flow. And you used punctuation to cut it up a bit. Good. It gives the reader time for mental breathtaking while reading.

Now for the questions --

1. You’ve given us a wonderful glimpse into the sad world of your protagonist. Now, what goal can be pulled from this if you were to continue on with the story? To get her missing mate back? To go on with her life? To find those ‘coping strategies’?

2. That leads into something else -- is he dead, or is he just gone? There’s so little of the real story here that it’s difficult to do anything but ask for more detail. It’s the perfect set-up, though. There’s a real story to be told here, and you’ve given just enough detail in the first page to make me want to hear it. (Or make it up, myself!)

3. Another thought -- the iron taste of old blood. (I love that bit! It satisfied the sense of macabre I have in my soul.) The reference to blood here is symbolic. Whether of his death or of her relationship with him, I haven’t a clue. After all, and here I go inventing, he could be gone because he beat her up and ended up in jail. Is this the kind of character development you wanted to portray? Is she bitter about the relationship? Or is she bitter because she loved him and now he’s dead? I know you have her saving his things, wanting to keep his memory, but I’ve known battered women who hold onto the personal effects of the batterer. Confusing little psychological twist. They ‘need’ him. However, that’s just my own little thought, and probably not anywhere close to yours.

All in all, I really can’t say much except to praise this. Perhaps a little more paragraphing, especially around the single line of dialogue that should have been worked into quotes. Aside from that? Good work, Bluetrain.

Mickie

 

[Mickie]

Response to Bluetrain’s feedback on Mickie’s ‘The Kiss’

Bluetrain,

Okay, okay. It’s a story, then. *Grins*

Grease wasn’t really an inspiration, but then, Olivia Newton-John’s character was so stereo-typical that it pulls into almost any story where a girl changes into her rebellious teens.

Pacing -- thanks! That’s one thing I’ve been working on in recent weeks. I’m glad to know some of my hard earned lessons are sinking in.

Details are a big part of any writer’s work. A small detail can make a huge impact.

Answers to questions --
1. Mood. I suppose part of the changing in mood, which goes from sentimental to almost sinister in places, is that, if I were to continue with the story it would turn into something sinister. I’m a closet horror writer, I suppose. I don’t think writing should remain in the same mood, but move around, create tension until you release it and give the reader more answers. This would be the beginning of a story, not the entirety, if I wanted to write more on it.

2. Contradictions. He never gets over the kiss and yet it’s still only half-remembered. Definitely something to think on.

3. The relationship of the two characters in the past is really up for grabs. If I continue on with the story, then it would become apparent that the two have been in the same kind of relationship since the first kiss. She makes a play, then runs away. Back and forth, with no real commitment. The kiss at the fence is probably the moment when the need for a change hits the protagonist. Aha! A goal for him in the story, with a realization of that goal in the first page! Might be the beginning of a novel? *Grins*

antiquated teeter-totters and sparse grass. I thought I was just describing an old, used up playground. *Winks*

Thanks, Bluetrain, for such an insightful and thought-provoking critique.

Mickie

 

[KillerMuffin]

Here's my posting. Like cym, I've been thinking over without rehashing what's already been said. We will talk soon!

The goals of my little, um, writing sample, was to see how well I could tie external imagery in with internal emotions and thought processes. I am looking for a three dimensional character. My second goal was to see how well I could touch a reader in some way or if it was dry. This was completely outside my area of expertise, I know nothing about urbanites, gang culture, or chicanos.

Anyway, here it is.

Vato

It was hot and humid like only the afternoon streets of East LA could be hot and humid. Her fingers clutched convulsively on the fence and she breathed in the mingled scents of someone frying frijoles, chiles, and the depressing undertone of garbage that always seemed to be there. The oppressive heat vied with the oppressive poverty until she couldn't tell which was worse. The tortured gray skies gave the rusted fence and desolate playground an eerie cast, one that was highlighted by the flash of lightening. Thunder cracked like a bullet shot and she flinched, tears brimming over.

She leaned her head on the fence, her forehead touching the cool metal that had shared their kiss. It had been hot and clinging, full of the promise of their animal sexuality and the promise of the life they would soon lead. At least it had to her, she hadn't understood then, she never really did understand, even now. But he had. Her kiss had been the beginning of her life and the end of his.

Snatches of their argument, one that had become a refrain, flashed through her head like the lighting blazing in the sky. "Get out! Get a life!" she'd screamed. She hadn't listened to him, not at all. She thought his "I can't" had meant "I won't."

She leaned into their fence, silent sobs wracking her body like the thunder shook the foundations of the buildings around her and her guilt tore at her soul. He'd known what would happen and she'd forced him into it anyway. The vicious words she'd spat at him would haunt her along with the ghost of his kiss, "I don't want some street vato drug dealer, I want a real man, one who has a real job and real ambitions."

And he'd reluctantly agreed. She talked about college, about joining her father's business, about they family they would have, about taking care of his mother, about every little dream for the future she'd ever had. She never noticed his silence until he kissed her and sealed his promise. Or his fate.

Now he was dead, just another street vato whose blood washed down the sewers of LA. A spray of .45 caliber bullets from a Mac 10 had tracked across his back, shot from a gun held by his younger second cousin who wanted into their gang. Just another vato like all the others who had died in the streets. But he was her vato and he had died for her.

She rubbed her cheek against the rust links that had shared their kiss and wished that she were with him.

 

[Mickie]

Cym’s feedback

Temper Temper is a short scene from the life of one annoyed actress. You’ve done well in giving her motivations, goals, and reasons for her actions. You never seem to have a problem with that, you know. *Smiles*

Your Goals

(1) To introduce an unpleasantly memorable character in the space of a one page vignette.

{Which one was the unpleasant character? The garlic eating faggot or the demanding film director? I liked them both. You have a gift for giving out just a few details about someone that can be used to define them in a short time. I think you’ve accomplished goal number one.}

(2) To write persuasively in the first person.

{I didn’t see any problem with your use of first person here. You gave your protagonist a personality, and didn’t intrude with her thought processes enough to destroy the action. Good job.}

(3) To get some feedback on the basics of sentence structure and word choices, especially with regard to describing characters. (It’s a known shortcoming for me.)

{Yes, here I have a few comments. While the scene moves in good sequence, you’ll need to read it aloud, and listen to the words you use. It can get choppy in places, and too wordy in others. Each sentence should read well all on its lonesome. Not only that, but it should blend with the sentences surrounding it. The first sentence is long. It’s awkward to read because you’re adding in too many details. Plus, I really hate beginning a scene with dialogue. Perhaps you could start by describing the miasma of garlic that’s assaulting her mouth. Then, have her react to it by hissing at Dmitri. Giving this alone a paragraph, then having Gus, the director, actually snap out his orders to begin again. Draw out the action, and describe things. It reads slower, but you might get more focus that way. The actual kiss might be described, instead of only her reaction to it. Get us (the readers) not only into the scene, but into the protagonist’s body. That’s the beauty of first person. We get to be someone else for a while. Use all the senses when you describe something. He may taste like garlic, but, aside from that, she has a nose, ears, skin, eyes, AND a tongue. This is good as it sits, but could be better with some added description. Perhaps even try to describe what garlic tastes like in her mouth. Did he put his tongue in her mouth? That might affect how nasty the taste is. In other words, get intimate with your writing, especially when writing in first person.}

(4) To have fun and write with people whose writing I admire.
*Chuckles*

A few questions now to help you along on your quest for writing perfection -- *grins*

1- Who is your protagonist? I don’t mean that you describe her point by point, but what are her thoughts aside from the fact that she dislikes garlic and faggots? Can we get into her difficulties in working with gay men? First person is a very personal way to write, and I’d like to hear more about how she uses her mind. Her reactions here are pretty much physical, and very matter of fact. Don’t assume that the reader knows anything except what you tell them. Do all women have problems being attracted to obviously gay men? No. So why does she? A few women even like the taste of garlic. It might remind them of home and comfort, kissing dad goodnight. *Chuckles* That might be a reason right there for her not to be able to identify garlic with sex.

2 -- The other characters have certain little traits that I like. Keep going with that. A bald director. Describe him otherwise. Is he paunchy? Or does he remind her of Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek? He seems very businesslike here. Is he always like that? The little faggot. He’s kinda fun, to tell the truth. You’ve caught the edges of him, but not the entirety. Look at him through her eyes and tell me what she sees. Even with the macho clothing, he still manages to look fruity. Why? What specifically does he do to make her unable to get past that. And don’t just say he swishes. Describe a swish, please. *Grins* (that’s what my friends say when a certain person I know walks by, and I’m getting tired of hearing it, then seeing only shrugs when I ask them to define it.)

3- The setting. I know you’re using that picture, and a sort of camera filming thing here, but there’s no set up for it. The weather, for instance. Hot? Cold? Humid? There are a lot of variables that could affect the scene. Hot and humid could be part of the reason for the flaring of her temper.

Basically, you’ve got the action well in hand. And I think this is a good first draft for the scene. However, it could be fleshed out with a lot of things. The title is ‘Temper Temper’. Okay. As far as I can tell she’s pretty even tempered. Does she want to hit the director? Shouldn’t her refusal to react badly be more difficult for her? Use the thesaurus in your word processor and look up words for temper and anger. It should give you an emotional reaction to see a list of those words. Use that emotion in the piece and use the list of words you’ve gotten in various places throughout the scene. That’s the theme, anyway, and should be used a little more to be effective.

I keep thinking of the combination of sultry heat and garlic breath. Ugh. Have fun with it, Cym. It’s a good start, and I’m interested to find out what you come up with on more description.

Mickie

 

[Bluetrain]

reply to mickie

"antiquated teeter-totters and sparse grass. I thought I was just describing an old, used up playground. *Winks*"

Things are never as they are described (or so one pushy lit professor rammed down my throat back in undergrad days...);
for instance:

"deserted playground"- symbolic of a past never to be recaptured. the giggling girls and playful days are strictly things of the past and will never surface, even in the kiss.

"sparse grass" -- not much life or hope in the present. the grass isn't lush and verdant; it's sparse, soon to be trodden on.

"Antiquated teeter-totter" -- metaphor for an unbalanced memory. Does it lean in his direction? Probably. Which means that he remembers things as he wants to remember them, not as they really are. Thus, the "strawberries and sunshine" are "half-remembered," and insubstantial at best.

of course, as Robert Frost once shouted at an audience: "My poem about walking through the woods on a snowy evening is about walking through the woods on a snowy evening, and damn whatever else you may find in it!"

cheers,

s

 

[Bluetrain]

Steamychik's story feedback

first off, you did an excellent job taking what might have been an obvious scene (frustrated prison romance) and turning it into the unexpected by using the guard's point of view and by having throw us for a loop with his reaction to the impending baby. Those two facets made the story a lot more memorable and un-cliched.

second, with what little space we have, you fleshed out the to kissers' characters. charlie develops from a hungry lover to a selfish bed hopper; his girl from a lonely girlfriend to a desperate mother more in need of a father figure than for charlie specifically.


i agree with mickie's response regarding dialogue. my question is: How can you show, and not tell? That is, how can you SHOW things happening rather than TELLING about them? Mark Twain once said, "Don't say that the old lady was screaming, have her scream!"

for instance:

"I said quietly and watched as the young punk tensed up. I was relaxed but ready for him."

How can you show the young punk tensing up? How can you show your narrator relaxed but ready?

example: "Charlie jerked his head towards me, his lips pursed, his fingers clenched even harder on the wire frame. His forehead was furrowed in that angry and frustrated and impotent expression I knew too well from his previous outbursts...."


also,

“Charlie! Please,” the girl begged almost crying. “Please, baby, you have to get out and take care of me and the baby!”

How can you take tell words like "begging," and "almost crying" and describe the girl in this state? What about the girl's posture and tone of voice reveal her emotions? What details, like tears running down make-up, or her hands rubbing up and down on her pants leg, reveal her anxiety and fear?

good writing!

b

 

[Alex De Kok]

Feedback

Mickie:
I found your little piece evocative and warming. You say it isn't a story but I think it can stand alone. I liked your descriptions - "…antiquated teeter-totter", "…so rusted it appeared covered in blood". I particularly liked "…girlish giggle-fest" - I found that particularly evocative. I think you captured the 'memories' aspect very well indeed.

What wasn't clear to me was the chronology - had they been apart for some time? Was the meeting at the school yard arranged? Why? They're adults now (?) why not a restaurant or bar? Yet you say "she was his and always would be." I found this confusing.
Whatever, I enjoyed it.

SteamyChik: (Your edited version)
Interesting twist, telling the story from a third-part viewpoint. I liked the way you built on Charlie's attitude to the girl being affected both by her and by the guard's instructions, from what appeared to be warmth and affection to near-rejection. I liked too the way you set the scene for the guard, keeping an eye on the inmates, checking for backup, his implied sympathy for the girl and his awareness of possible behavioural problems, avoiding trouble by circumventing it.

I think you achieved both of your goals quite comfortably, certainly in the edited version. I wish you had left the original up because I avoided feedback until everyone had posted.

Bluetrain:
OK, not erotic "per se" - agreed. Certainly evocative. Almost poetic. I'd be curious to know how long you pondered before writing as this piece certainly seems to be part of an unfinished whole, but then, as you said yourself, it could easily be expanded.

A very reflective piece and I liked the way you keyed the memories to the environment - "And on those iron mornings when the sun throws diamond shadows…"

I find it difficult to analyse writing. I always have done, ever since my schooldays. I find it particularly difficult on pieces that I like, and I like this. I'm not sure if I would continue to like it if it were (say) ten times as long. It is very introspective and I can only take so much introspection.

You pose some unanswered questions - what happened to 'him'? The use of the phrase 'coping strategies' implies death, a contention supported by the abandoned pickup. She is therefore coping with loss and you imply that she is coping - "Memory can be masochistic, but it can also be solace,…" To me there is also the implication that she is accepting that he is gone and there is no turning back - "…walk down the brightly lit street until I could turn the corner and be out of the sun."

Cymbidia:
Nice little tale. Description, conflict and characterisation in one page (plus a paragraph!) Your first goal is adequately - more than adequately - achieved. "Unpleasantly memorable" is certainly apt, both for Dimitri and the director.

I got a good feel for the situation. Your heroine (right word?) struggling in a situation where she'd rather be somewhere else with someone else.
Sentence structure seems fine to me, but then I'm the so-called writer who was proud of a 120-word sentence. (I could have broken it up but I really felt it was better as one sentence.)

Nowhere did I feel that you had run-on when you should have stopped, or stopped when you should have run-on.

Word choices were, I think, good. I feel that you established that goal in your first few paragraphs - "hissed", "snapped out", "simpered" - all good action words.
I got a good feel for the characters and the scene. Your descriptions were fine and I liked the sand flies analogy.
I hope you feel that you achieved your fourth goal - I certainly enjoyed reading it.

PS: Good luck with your Master's - I envy you!

Killermuffin:
So far as touching this reader is concerned, I was sad when I finished reading this, both for the waste of human life and for the girl.
Your first paragraph set the scene beautifully for me. I find scents very evocative and your combination was pungent. This, coupled with the "tortured grey skies" and the "rusted fence and desolate playground", really set the scene and I like the way the thunder crack "like a bullet shot" leads into her memories and self-recrimination.

Your character is interesting. Obviously emotional, yet conventional, but I feel that I still don't know her. There is no background to their meeting that I can use for reference. I have to guess. I find myself wondering what brought them together, what was the background? To that extent I find the character two-dimensional. Complex two-dimensional, yes, but there was something missing for me.
I did enjoy reading it.

And in my own defence:
I said it is an experimental vignette. What I tried to do was write the dialogue so that the reader could start with either character speaking first, have the characters speak in strict alternation, and that it would make sense either way. To an extent I think I succeeded.

Mickie: thanks for the nice words about the dialogue. I enjoy writing dialogue. I take your point about the tags and I doubt whether this experiment will go any further, certainly at present. I agree with you that description and body language, together with the tags, help to bring a scene to life, but as I said, it is experimental. Because it is all dialogue, the exclamation point in quotes was the best I could come up with to indicate perplexity. I won't do it again! Fragmentary? Yes, it is only a fragment but in all honesty I wasn't trying to write anything else.

SteamyChik: I was interested to see that you thought I'd made the girl the teacher. In a way that justifies my experiment in trying to make the dialogue read either way. I admit, I read it so that the guy is the teacher, but then, I wrote it! If you try using tagless dialogue in your own work, be careful. I found it tricky keeping track and, like Mickie, much prefer tagged dialogue. Still, I enjoyed the experiment.

My best to all of you,
Alex

 

[KillerMuffin]

Mickie's The Kiss

Story flow, content, and character were pretty gosh darn good. I am insanely jealous. The pacing worked well for me, too. It didn't move too fast, so that I felt rushed through his memories. Nor did it feel too slow, I never once got the "oh my gawd, get on with it already!" feeling that one sometimes gets during rememberances. I really liked the male character as well. He had a good way of giving the flashbacks life. Smell and taste are often forgotten in writing, even pornography. Even though strawberries is a bit cliche, it worked here because it was the taste of a young girl, not some chippie picked up in a bar. Not all women taste like strawberries.

I didn't "feel" much about her, she came across a little cool to me. I think it was that he'd given her his heart under the jungle gym and the only thing he seemed to have gotten in return was her body. I would think the emotion would go both ways. I "feel" love from him and sex from her. It's a little out of kilter and made me like her just a little bit less than I should have.

I know it's blah blah rhetoric, but the commas and the ands bothered me a little as well. Several commas struck me as unnecessary or replacements for the word "and." Where the structure bothered me most was in the horribly complex sentences, like the second one. I dissected it, but I can't tell if it's right or wrong, it just felt a little off. I think it was the use of two gerunds. I keep thinking it should be "trailing and wondering," not "trailing, wondering." Generally, a sentence with two gerunds and one regular verb makes me uncomfortable because any clause with a gerund is dependent and two gerunds make two dependent clauses, but not always. I'm mucking this up. Anyway, onwards!

Some of the chosen words had connotations that were not in kilter with the rest of the piece. Like "blood." It's not just descriptive of color, but of mood and tone. A jungle gym covered in blood is very macabre in feel. It vies with the sweet innocence of a first kiss. I don't think you can ever use the word blood as an adjective without the feel of injury, death, or horror going with it.

One thing I was unsure about was the tensing in this story. It had two time references. The "now" past and the "then" past. "In high school she'd lost the braids and the giggles in favor of curls and sexy looks. Since he'd been in love with her since their jungle gym tryst, he accepted that change as he accepted everything else about her. She bought a black leather jacket and wore it to the prom. He thought she looked beautiful." This particular paragraph is an example of mixed up tensing. "In high school she had lost the braids... Since he had been in love... She bought, He thought..." We have past tense, and we have the paster past tense. There's fancy words for that, but darned if I remember them.

If I were to expect a direction for this story to head, I would imagine a Forrest Gump kind of thing. He loves her and wants nothing but to be with her, but she doesn't love him and she's either nice to him or uses him. Why? I think it's the whole tone of it. His unflinching and almost puppyish devotion to her and her memory without any sort of emotional reciprocation from her. This can be accomplished, even in a character specific POV. She never smiled at him with the light of love in her eyes, she never gave any indication of love, just sex. And we all know that sex isn't love. The writing was very evocative, but did it give the impression that was intended? I thought about it for a long time, I think the whole feeling of lust not love came down to the word blood. Blood traditionally foreshadows something evil. The phrase "jungle gym was so rusted it appeared covered in blood," was very pivotal for me in the story. Since I knew what he felt, she was the one I doubted.

I think it's interesting how a single word or phrase can change the very tone and direction of a story for a reader. Like we sometimes read a very good book, but the ending disappoints us and we don't know why? I think it's because the author used a word/phrase or series of word/phrases that gave the reader an idea of how the book should end that didn't jibe with the actual ending. Like the Kiss, I would expect it to end badly. When I read the sentence, "She was his, and always would be," I got a sense of desperation from his character. I don't think that was intended.

 

[Samuari]

I'm sorry

I don't think that I will be able to participate in the group after all. Real life just keeps smacking me up side of the head.

May be things will clam down sometime, as this something that I really want to do, but if there another writer who wants to particapte, please join in.

I am reading the thread, and am learning a lot just by watching. Keep up the good work.

 

[KillerMuffin]

SteamyChik's

Even though Bluetrain already covered it, well, I feel like rehashing it. I love dialog, I'm weird that way. There are several ways to "tag" speech. Said words are one, and the easiest way. Another, and I think better, way is through action. For instance: "Charlie! Please," the girl begged almost crying. "Please, baby, you have to get out and take care of me and the baby!" The word begged gives a good deal of emotion, but you can't feel it. "Begged" is more descriptive than something like "said," but it's not nearly as descriptive as what she might be doing. "Charlie! Please!" The girl leaned into the fence, hanging by her fingers curled into the links like some kind of martyred saint. Tears brimmed in her eyes, almost falling. The sound of her voice was enough to tear a guy's heart out. "Please, baby, you have to get out and take of me and the baby!" Or something like that. When you have a long series of dialog, particularly with more than two people in it, the use of props is better than "said" tags. "I didn't say that." Mary carefully folded the napkin in her lap. Like in real life what a person is doing, particularly what their eyes and expression are saying, and their body language will tell a story better than description. "I never slept with Sue," Fred lied. "I never slept with Sue." Fred's eyes slid to the right. He looked everywhere but at Donna. Even an idiot could tell he was lying.

One thing that really powers dialog is good "tagging."

Another thing I had some trouble with was the jerkiness of it. There were a couple of paragraphs, like the second one, where there were two completely different subjects meshed together. The first couple of sentences in the second paragraph should have been a part of the previous one, or they should have their own. What the guard should do about Charlie's sexcapades doesn't have much to do with why Charlie was in prison. In fact, one could question the absolute necessity of knowing why he was in there. If this were part of a larger story, Charlie's road to prison would be outlined separately from his kissing habits. As a slice of life vignette, would a guard really be considering why Charlie was in jail when he was about to go up against the boy?

I liked the twist at the end, though the guard could have reacted to the news of the impending birth to give it more of an emotional punch, I think. It wouldn't have to be positive or negative, depending on the tone you'd want to set for the ending. If the guard blows it off with a "all the kids in here have babies on the way" kind of thought, then the audience would care as much as something along the lines of how terrible it is that young punks like that brought some innocent into the world, or something.

I see that she loves Charlie and Charlie doesn't give a fuck about her, other than as a fuck. She can't see that, but the guard can. I think you pulled off the first person pov very well if we can "see" the personalities and dimensions of the other characters. It's easy to make a third dimensional character in third person, you just perch on that character's shoulder and read his mind. I also really liked the way the guard had a pattern of speech that went through his thinking as well as his words. He had a distinctive and believable voice that made him real. Kind of like a tough guy from the east coast or something. That also gave him dimensions.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Alex's Experiment

First off "What the hell was in my mind?" Well I cruised a ton of porn sites, looking at various pictures of people in various stages of fucking. Most of the guys were either not in it, or had this eyes crossed, hope I look seriously intent expression on their face and most of the girls liked a collie that had just gotten hit by a truck. While interesting enough sex, I didn't think it gave real inspiration for writing something about it. It was all tab A into some slot or other. So I cruised erotic photography. It wasn't much better. Then I decided to do a search for a specific kind of activity and kissing came first to mind. This was a very interesting one that could be or couldn't be pornographic and would give people a chance to actually use their writing skills rather than just describe some fuck.

Onwards!

The dialog only doesn't work for me, though I really got a kick out of the last line. I was thinking the guy was a student through the whole thing. It's kind of like when you're in another room listening to the TV and someone on TV is having a conversation on the phone where you can hear both parties. The words give you a really good idea of what's going on and what the characters are into, but they only tell a small portion of the story. I felt like I was missing something here.

It was a good shot at something experimental, and no doubt better than anything I could come up with. I do think that a dialog only page or two is really good practice for honing your skills in writing dialog. It makes you think about inflection and how to spell it. It makes you think about how to make a character come alive through his speech, something that you usually reserve for tag words. See Bluetrain's crit on Steamy Chik's piece if you're curious about what I might mean by that. It's easy to put the emotion, actions, and thoughts into the tag lines. It's not so easy to make a character say one thing and mean another, or other things of that nature, without the tag lines.

 

[SteamyChik]

Wonderful! Nice! Thanks! Wow!

And many other words of acclaim to those that critiqued my 1-pager. There are many comments and suggestions that I will be incorporating hopefully, into future works.

I can tell I need to work on the dialogue tags and how to make them come alive. Ya'll have provided great feedback and examples on that.

I can't wait for the next picture, KM. This is better than a lit course at the college

Steamy

 

[SteamyChik]

Feedback for Bluetrain

I found your story haunting.

The sentence structure worked well most of the time. There was one sentence that began with "And" towards the beginning that was jarring. Many of the sentences are really long, which is ok but you might want to break a few of them up a little. This might also help in the plodding feel you mentioned.

It took a few paragraphs for me to get it, catch on about who, what and where. That might be just the nature of this excercise.

Towards the end, I think there was an opportunity to include some dialogue when her friend asked her about coping. This might also break up the monotony of long sentences, long paragraphs etc.

I did like how it left a lot up to the readers imagination, how the picture fit in with the story. I also like the haunting imagery around the iron taste through the story. Was it because she kissed him through the fence that she tasted iron? On the other hand, I don't always like to think so hard when reading things, it was almost too vague, too mysterious for me.

I feel totally inept at giving feedback when ya'll are so good at it! But I'm trying!