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The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. A man intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
 
A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening, and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.

He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to sleep.

A little while, another drunk man comes along and falls in the same hole. He too tries and tries to climb out, and fails.

The he hears a hoarse voice behind him in the dark say, "You'll never get out of here."

_Voom_ He did.
 
Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that this happened right before nightfall.

Right as he kicks the tire, he sees a barn and farmhouse in the distance. He starts walking the road and eventually gets to the house and knocks on the door.

“Don’t want any,” the farmer says.

“No, I don’t want to sell you anything, my car broke down and I just need to use your phone.”

“It’ll take until dark until a tow truck gets here, boy. You can sleep in the barn, though. Call ‘emctomorrow.”

Jack smiles. “That’d be great, thank you.” He turns back to the barn to get a makeshift bed made.

“One condition,” the farmer says, “if I catch you kissing my daughter, I’ll kill you.”

Jack is unsettled, but agrees. He then goes to the barn and settles down.

At around midnight that night, the farmer wakes to hear faint moaning and giggling coming from the barn. He grabs his shotgun and goes out, ready to shoot to kill. Sure enough, he sees Jack fooling around with his daughter. He orders Jack to come down and get on his knees.

Soon enough, Jack starts crying and begging for his life. “Please,” he begs, “I’ll do anything! Just don’t kill me!”

The farmer considers, then replies “Fine. Yodel for me.”

Jack looks back at him with a shocked expression and then turns back around, breathes deep, then yodels: “*I kissed your old lad-y too!*”
 
How the Angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree


There had been no snow during the entire month of December. The elves in the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and now there was the possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.

Daily life at the North Pole was not pleasant, and Santa Claus was in a pretty foul mood. Mrs. Claus was suffering from arthritis and was very mad over the fact that her red velvet cake had fallen in the oven. Santa had tried to round up some extra helpers, but with no snow, they weren't able to make it by sleigh to the workshop.

Rudolph had a bad cold, and his nose wouldn't light up. Comet and Prancer were fighting over Vixen, who had just come into heat. Blitzen's right foreleg was still in a cast, and the vet said that they would have to wait until 24 December to decide if Blitzen would be able to pull the sleigh.

The electricity went off, and all the power tools came to a stop. There was NOTHING going right in Santa's workshops. The helpers were about three weeks behind in their work, and it didn't look that all the toys would be ready by Christmas Eve. Santa's foul mood was exacerbated by a bad case of hemorrhoids, and he wasn't too happy about the possibility of having to ride so far on Christmas Eve.

Seeing the terrible state of affairs at the North Pole chez Santa, the angels took up an offering to buy a gift for the unhappy workers and the Clauses - something that would brighten their Christmas. They chose a Christmas tree, and they sent it down by an angel.

The angel burst into the workshop room and asked,
"HEY, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS TREE?"
 
A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary...

The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight"

Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!"

"I can't, I'm on my period!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

"Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it."

So they are going at it for a bit when the dorbell rings, and the husband says "Fuck sakes, who could that be? Go answer the door hun"

She says "Fucking look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!"

"Look at my face! I can't go out there looking like this!"

She says "Just tell them you were eating a jam sandwich and got carried away"

"Alright" the man says, and proceeds to answer the door.

It was the mailman. "Hi I have a delivery fo...WHAT IN THE FUCK!?"

Husband says "Ohhh don't mind my face, I was eating a jam sandwich and I got a little crazy with it."

Mailman replies, "Sir I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
 
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He answered, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T" means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'
 
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
 
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
 
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