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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
 
An American and a Canadian walk into a bakery.

The Canadian steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the American,"That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The American replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The American then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The American asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The American then said, "Look in the Canadian's pockets."
 
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The American nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."
 
A guy found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free.

After a few months the man was exhausted, realizing how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"

'Oh fuck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
 
A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the woman. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the other woman said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
 
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw. "And what on Earth do you intend to do with that?" the priest asked. "I've decided that I want to bless the car too," the rabbi replied.

He promptly walked over to the back of the car and sawed two inches off the tailpipe.
 
A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,

"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine, better do it by hand."
 
A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:
"Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?"

"It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old."

Amazed by his answer, he says:
" Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?"

"Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago."
 
Excited grandkids: “Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a noise like a frog?!”

Grandpa: “I guess so, let me try.

*Ribbet, ribbet.*

How was that, was it good enough for you?”

Excited Grandkids: “Hooray! Let’s go tell Dad!”

Grandpa: “What’s the big deal?”

Excited Grandkids: “Dad’s been saying ‘As soon as that old fart croaks we’re all off to DisneyWorld’. "
 
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