Listen to the music ...

[czarcaustic]

Melody invades
without your violence
for that you are forgiven

The song still frightens
surely, not the intention of those
from which it flowed

It drifted from the jukbox, happily
the smell of beer heavy in the air, across that littered lot
just out of sight

My world was nothing but color
eyes swollen shut
ears were clear

I could hear them, voices laughing
straining, an unknown hand covering my lips
they couldn't hear me

The music still hurts
digging deep into my soul to this day
the taste of my blood still strong with each note

You are no longer
and never knew our Son
It's his favorite song

===================

Feedback
Constructive Criticism
Tips
Pointers

All appreciated!

T

 

[Liar]

Hi there and if you're new (I'm only here now and then these days, so i might have missed you), welcome to the forum.

At this time I only have one suggestion for you. It's a good start for a poem. Dense, well chosen words for a poignant subject. But in order to make it as effective as it couldbe, I think it needs a little pruning. When I read it, there this pard (in red below) that feels out of place to me. Here you become so direct, so specific, that you lose me emotionally. You went from showing me things that spoke of events and memories triggered, to telling me, mechanically, about your feelings, and that didn't work as well at all. So I would simply strike that part. The poem doesn't need it to tell the story, and IMO it tells it better whithout.

In fact, I got the central idea of the message from just the first three lines. That's pretty damn good.

Also, from the place in the text, I'm not sure what "they couldn't hear me" is referring to. They who or what? I think you can strike that too, the line before speaks volumes as it is.

Well, that's my 2c. Read, consider, agree or disagree. That's up to you.

----

Melody invades
without your violence
for that you are forgiven

The song still frightens
surely, not the intention of those
from which it flowed

It drifted from the jukbox, happily
the smell of beer heavy in the air, across that littered lot
just out of sight

My world was nothing but color
eyes swollen shut
ears were clear

I could hear them, voices laughing
straining, an unknown hand covering my lips
they couldn't hear me

The music still hurts
digging deep into my soul to this day
the taste of my blood still strong with each note

You are no longer
and never knew our Son
It's his favorite song