Liquid Crisco & The Holy Spirit: religious experience or orgasm?

[shereads]

Speaking of television evangelists with enormous pink hair, I was searching for a picture of my favorite big-haired TV celeb, when I found this transcript from one of her sermonettes.

I've watched this woman a dozen times since I found her during an insomnia-induced tour of late-late-night TV, but until I read the words a few minutes ago, I hadn't realized that she may be confusing religious bliss with the carnal kind.

FYI, Jan is the feminine half of a big-haired husband-and-wife evangelist team who star on the amazing Trinity Broadcast Network or TBN. TBN brings its television congregation closer to Jesus by accepting financial donations on His behalf. (Most people don't know how to deposit money directly to the Lord's bank account; that's where TBN comes in.) There's a tiny photo of her below, but it can't do justice to the enormity of her heart or her hair.

PORNSTERS: Please read this excerpt from Jan's testimony and give me your thoughts. Is there a pornographer on Jan's writing staff, or is she just extremely satisfied by her relationship with God?

"I was on my face – deep sobs – rejoicing – And feeling love and a supernatural high – like there are not words to describe –

"I think I touched Heaven – I think that is the Euphoria – The high – The lifting of your soul – The heat in your heart that Heaven is all about –

"If you could for one minute feel what I have felt now, 3 1/2 hours, you would never have one second of doubt –

"Is it all real –

"Oh please hear my Jesus’ heart –

"Stop asking

"Stop thinking

"Start DOING!

"Give Jesus your 1st fruits in the A.M. –

"Read His love letters to us – Get your anointing oil (even liquid Crisco works – ask my children)

"Anoint yourself – Get your little garden area – a closet – the garage – a favorite tree area – a place in the city park (In your car) –

"Get your little grape juice and crackers – Get alone – Get your Terry MacAlmon praise recording on and feel His presence-

"Feel His anointing –

"Feel His love –

"Feel what Heaven is all about –

"Ohhhhh – I can’t wait until tomorrow AM –

"It’s You and me sweet jesus – (It’s a date!)

"Oh how I love you –

"And how I love you precious partners – Feel of what Heaven will be –

"Please –

"I love you –

"Thank you for loving and being our partners for 31 years!

_- Jan"

If you feel compelled to send a donation or purchase a praise recording, here's the link: http://www.tbn.org/

And here's Jan, looking satisfied:

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I feel the need to annoint myself, but I only have the crisco sticks, can I rub them on my head?

She is definitly a porn writer and damn good too. I felt the spirit cumming into me as she spoke (2.99 a minute) I beat my breast in lamentation and my first fruits were a veritable cornucopia.

Bless you Sher, I have touched the face of God and he needs a shave.

 

[minsue]

What, you don't annoint yourself with Crisco every morning in the city park?

 

[shereads]

The grape juice and crackers are a new twist.

Is that a fetish?

 

[shereads]

I feel the need to annoint myself, but I only have the crisco sticks, can I rub them on my head?

She is definitly a porn writer and damn good too. I felt the spirit cumming into me as she spoke (2.99 a minute) I beat my breast in lamentation and my first fruits were a veritable cornucopia.

Bless you Sher, I have touched the face of God and he needs a shave.

Slut.

 

[Guest]

armed with my mascara and a jar of crisco, i too shall join the ranks of the holy rollers! perhaps ill rake in millions just by annointing in my car with millions of viewers...

i feel the passion fill me.

can i get an amen?~

 

[ABSTRUSE]

armed with my mascara and a jar of crisco, i too shall join the ranks of the holy rollers! perhaps ill rake in millions just by annointing in my car with millions of viewers...

i feel the passion fill me.

can i get an amen?~

AMEN sistah

I feel like....testifying....oh lordy yes.....I feel the power of Christ Compell me.......Fill me Jesus!!!

 

[Colleen Thomas]

And I thought I was going to hell for my nun story. I'm not even in Ya'll's league

 

[Guest]

AMEN sistah

I feel like....testifying....oh lordy yes.....I feel the power of Christ Compell me.......Fill me Jesus!!!

are you sure thats the power of christ and not the suction of your new vaccum cleaner?

you are HEALED!


erm... the passion of the christ just sounds really good to me now.

 

[shereads]

armed with my mascara and a jar of crisco, i too shall join the ranks of the holy rollers! perhaps ill rake in millions just by annointing in my car with millions of viewers...

i feel the passion fill me.

can i get an amen?~

You can get an amen, but you can't get a prayer partner unless you buy a praise recording.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

And I thought I was going to hell for my nun story. I'm not even in Ya'll's league

Don't make us reinstate your virginity and sacrafice you to the big network gods!!!!

 

[minsue]

And I thought I was going to hell for my nun story. I'm not even in Ya'll's league

Oh, you are. Don't worry.

 

[minsue]

Don't make us reinstate your virginity and sacrafice you to the big network gods!!!!

 

[shereads]

And I thought I was going to hell for my nun story. I'm not even in Ya'll's league

Hey, we didn't bring Crisco into this. The evangelists did.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Ergh, maybe I should explain.

See I was really really wasted that night. You know, so wasted that it makes Dean Martin look sober wasted, and well...

You know how it is with dares and stuff...

And um....

I really didn't expect Beelzebub to go through with it, though I'll admit his Anglo-Christ impersonation is impeccable. He said the most surprising thing abut her was how loose she was.

 

[minsue]

ROFLMAO

 

[shereads]

I wonder if hair conditioner works as well as Crisco. To save time, you could self-annoint after washing your hair.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I wonder if hair conditioner works as well as Crisco. To save time, you could self-annoint after washing your hair.

actually you can do a hot oil treatment and save your hair as well as your soul.

I love her hair,I bet that's what she does too.

 

[shereads]

actually you can do a hot oil treatment and save your hair as well as your soul.

I love her hair,I bet that's what she does too.

No way. You don't shower in hair like that, you set it aside for safekeeping.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

No way. You don't shower in hair like that, you set it aside for safekeeping.

I see, I bet her wig head has a happy face on it.

Sher, out of curiosity...how much money have you donated to her???

 

[shereads]

I see, I bet her wig head has a happy face on it.

Sher, out of curiosity...how much money have you donated to her???

I'm not sure. I usually snap out of the trance when she stops crying and starts singing.

 

[cloudy]

Will Pam non-stick spray work as well as Crisco?

And, should I have it blessed first?

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

I had my head anointed with oil only recently. It was 10W30 Quaker State, dribbling out the bottom of the oil pan of a 1992 Chevy Cavalier. I was called upon to investigate, as I was the only one slim enough to slide beneath the rocker panel.

It’s hell having small boobs.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Will Pam non-stick spray work as well as Crisco?

And, should I have it blessed first?

Only for large crowds, that way no one goes un-annointed.