Lipstick

[sensitivelystrong]

Hey all,

So am having a little bit of an issue that I thought maybe someone on this forum could help me with. I wrote a story (that am particular proud of) that is getting mixed reviews. Am thinking that I might have posted it in the wrong place (but should that really matter in the end?) because the description of Loving Wives is a little ambiguous. I wrote about a loving wife but the description seems to aloud to the category being about wives who are cheating, wives whose husbands like to watch them getting laid by others and etc.

I wrote the story a certain way for a reason, its supposed to be ambiguous for a reason.

If you would like to read and help me click it:
http://www.literotica.com/s/lipstick-3

It's short I promise.

 

[MarlowBunny]

Hey all,

So am having a little bit of an issue that I thought maybe someone on this forum could help me with. I wrote a story (that am particular proud of) that is getting mixed reviews. Am thinking that I might have posted it in the wrong place (but should that really matter in the end?) because the description of Loving Wives is a little ambiguous. I wrote about a loving wife but the description seems to aloud to the category being about wives who are cheating, wives whose husbands like to watch them getting laid by others and etc.

I wrote the story a certain way for a reason, its supposed to be ambiguous for a reason.

If you would like to read and help me click it:
http://www.literotica.com/s/lipstick-3

It's short I promise.

Resubmit in a different category. I have never figured out what "Loving wives" is all about, and the readers there are famous for being fickle or mean. Try "Romance" if it could possibly fit. (I haven't read your story yet and don't know)

 

[estragon]

I Did

Sensitively, my quibbles are posted to your story. I got quite testy, because I thought it was badly written. Your idea lacks any foundation--why does this hot wise Latina love this complete blob? I know love is blind, the heart has its reasons and all that good jazz, but this is Literotica, emphasis on Lit (short for literary). Show me one thing about Damian that would make any woman even fart in his direction. Then get rid of the cliches; smiling like the Cheshire cat was done once by Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll to you), he patented it, game over. "Star of the show" was done to death before any of us was born; let it rest in peace. All right, the lady can suck cock like a champ--but why is she sucking his cock? It isn't Mount Everest, so she isn't doing it because it's there.

In short, tell me a story, grab my interest, keep me wanting more. This time, you didn't.

 

[PolyLvr]

I like it. My comments are posted also.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

SS, You wade into the shark infested waters of LW and wonder why you get mixed reviews. That's a tad naive.

For me there was no ambiguity because she says she is going to make dinner as she goes out of the door from a room that is clearly a bedroom because of mirrors, lipstick etc. Perhaps I'm simple, but I totally missed the idea of a lover. You need to be much more enigmatic to hold the suspense.

You really need an editor or re-read your story because it is very difficult to follow.

He just stared at his wife of three years

How could he marry someone so young? There are a bunch of problems like this.

She wasn't the typical coke bottle shape

This is ugly and not erotic and totally negated by the description that follows. You portray her as a wild, gorgeous and sexual hispanic - who is a 'coke bottle. Then you disparage the physical and character attributes of hubby until an accountant would feel sexy. At this point every reader should be screaming, "Liana, get out of there!"

As I read it, it was a threesome as sometimes she was going down on David, other times Damian.

Again - no matter what category - a BJ story that is just physical action without either dialogue or conflict will fall flat, as yours does. All the one inch, two inch stuff put me in mind of the Chilean miners' rescue.

Her lips pulled up and off of his cock with a delicious little smack. Then she cleaned anything that might have been left with the sweep of her agile tongue. She mad slight little moaning noises like she couldn't get enough of his cum. When every last drop was accounted for she nuzzled his little limp dick with her nose and lips like she was in love with it.

Just read this and explain to me why I, as a reader, would find this erotic.

I'm sorry to be so critical but this is not a question of category: it is not a great piece of work. You need either an editor or at least a beta reader, to help you see the story from a reader's perspective.

 

[PennLady]

This was not easy to read; there were a lot of errors, or at least awkwardly-worded phrases. As for category, I have read some LW stories that were more about a wife going outside her comfort zone for her husband (recently read one about a woman who lined up a lingerie show w/models who resembled her, but only she had sex with the husband -- anyone know that one?), as opposed to just cheating. But LW does seem to be more about the cheating, so this seems more romance or erotic couplings.

But before you do anything else, edit. In the first graph alone:

He just stared at his wife of three years while she applied bright red lipstick in front of her vanity mirror. Gorgeous didn't even start to compare her; her honey colored skin was smooth like porcelain and firm to the touch. Her puerto rican heritage gifted her with a mass of long, curly hair that spilled over her back, and a fiery temper. She wasn't the typical coke bottle shape. She was slender with perky c-cup breasts, toned thighs, and just enough ass to fill his hands. She was proportioned perfectly and reminded him of what a real model should look like.

-- wife of three years? I know someone tripped over that, but I understood; still, probably better ways to word it.

-- Gorgeous didn't even start to compare her It shouldn't, because the word you want is "describe."

-- "honey-colored" should be hyphenated

-- Puerto Rican should be capitalized

-- typical coke bottle shape Who is it typical of? Why is it typical?

-- what a real model should look like Excuse me? There are models out there of all colorings, shapes and sizes.

You also say in that first graph that she has "long curly hair" yet later it's "tight frizzy curls." The latter would not tumble down one's back, as is described.

I know it's hard to find an editor, I do. But try. It may take a few attempts, but it will (I hope) improve your writing.

 

[evanslily]

For what it's worth, I reckon you'd have been safer in Erotic Couplings. As Elfin says, Loving Wives is shark-infested water.

I know you didn't specifically ask for feedback, but as you seem to be getting some here, I'll add my two-penneth and hope you don't hate me.

The bit that really lost me was the part about him being 5 inches long on a good day... which was later followed by:

Liana pushed down until her nose touched his pubic hair, letting his cock into her throat with ease. Five inches. All the way down.

Damian couldn't stand another moment of this slow agony. With great force, he shoved her head down onto his cock, making her take it all the way into her throat, without the option to back away.

Uh? She'd already taken all 5 inches (and I reckon maybe an inch and a half of that would still have to be in her mouth unless she'd had all her teeth and jawbones removed).

I actually quite liked the idea of the story, but it does need a wee bit of editing.

 

[sensitivelystrong]

Thank you everyone for your comments and critiques. Although some comments were harsh and in my personal opinion a little uncalled for I appreciate it.

Am extremely new to writing (never written a sexual scene before) and appreciate more experienced writers taking the time to read my story and give me feedback.

I'll take everything into consideration and make the necessary adjustment.

 

[estragon]

Sensitively, Perhaps a little strong, yes. I confess to having gotten quite testy, and maybe should have had a penalty after the play was blown dead (no pun intended) for piling on. But my comments, though some would say they were over the top, had a basis and were not mere vituperation.

 

[PennLady]

Thank you everyone for your comments and critiques. Although some comments were harsh and in my personal opinion a little uncalled for I appreciate it.

Am extremely new to writing (never written a sexual scene before) and appreciate more experienced writers taking the time to read my story and give me feedback.

I'll take everything into consideration and make the necessary adjustment.

Sens --

I'm sorry if I came off as harsh, it wasn't intended. I will say, though, that you'll need a thick skin on here even if your grammar, etc. is perfect.

Truth is, I only skimmed the sex scene. The other problems I saw would have deterred me entirely from reading had I not been aiming to give you feedback. Sex can be difficult to write, believe me; I'm always struggling with those scenes. But even before that, you need to get some of the basic rules down. Few things turn a reader off more quickly than bad grammar, bad punctuation, inconsistent characters, etc.

Think about what you've read and like to read and how the author does it. That's more than most of us (including me) do when reading for fun, but if you just try it a few times, I think you'll start to catch things. Also, as many will say, read your story back to yourself (if you can't find and editor), but do it differently -- out loud, or in a different font, or something that will get your attention and make you really look. Even in this story, I think you'll find that if you do one of those techniques, you yourself will see some of the errors.

Best of luck,
PL

 

[sensitivelystrong]

Pennlady, when I was referring to the harsh critique, I was alluding to estragon's comments not you. I appreciate your comments. You are absolutely right, I must have thicker skin to be a writer, and the fact is that I just am not thick skinned....yet. Working on that, but in the meant time I will keep trying.

 

[PennLady]

Pennlady, when I was referring to the harsh critique, I was alluding to estragon's comments not you. I appreciate your comments. You are absolutely right, I must have thicker skin to be a writer, and the fact is that I just am not thick skinned....yet. Working on that, but in the meant time I will keep trying.

Sens, estragon may go a little over the top, but he always means well. It's an odd contradiction that you should write for yourself, yet keep a thick skin for the criticism you may receive. Although if you're not comfortable with that, you can turn off public comments, etc. And my standard advice is not to live and die by comments and/or ratings. This is not a peer review process, and no one is necessarily "qualified" to comment or critique. Enjoy the positives, consider the negatives, ignore the trolls.

 

[myrionomos]

The criticism you got was in fact pretty fair, especially that from Elfin and Estragon. Penn Lady is a bit too nice (lady like!) sometimes but her fundamental advice "get an editor" cannot be ignored.

Estragon's advice may seem harsh, but truly he is doing you a favour. It's an unfortunate fact that the toughest comments may produce reaction along the lines of "you mean bastard!" but give yourself a few days to think about it, and the welts will heal as you realise the tough comment will improve your writing the most.

It's no consolation, but the criticism on this board of my first story was far more rugged than that of yours. Just keep going, with an editor and spell check always handy.

PS The 3 writers I mentioned are all good at what they do. Even if their advice stings, they are excellent examples of how to write