"Lifestyle" subs vs. "sexual" subs

[Epona's Chylde]

A topic for discussion:

I personally consider myself to be a "sexual submissive." That is it say, that I enjoy submission within a sexual context and ONLY within said context.

In my day to day life, I'm extrememly dominant and actually something of a control freak. The idea of being in a 24/7 d/s relationship is not something I could ever, ever do. As far as relationships go, I like the power to be split equally...well ok, not *quite* equally...60%/40% in my favor is what I really like.

I like calling the shots and running things. I can't STAND being told what to do outside the bedroom. Royally pisses me off in fact.

Now get me in the bedroom, and I'm a totally different person. I LOVE subbing. I love being at a man's knees as he orders me around, sexually humiliates me, whips me, flogs me, spanks me,etc. Its a HUGE relief from my day to day life (especially when you take into account the fact that my job requires me to boss people around all day.)

Now I was discussing this subject with a dom friend the other day and he basically tells me "yeah well, good luck finding a man that'll dom you in the bedroom and then stand back and let you call the shots the rest of the time."

He says almost all doms want a woman who's submissive both in and out of the bedroom and that my dominance in day to day life is a huge term off for someone wanting a LTR.

I can't help it...I've never been a "lifestyle" submissive. Its just not my style.

What are your perspectives on it? Is it easier for lifestyle submissives to find LTRS with dominants? Am I just out of luck trying to find a dom that will want somebody like me? My last dom loved the contrast between my everyday behavior and my bedroom demeanor. However, I've had trouble meeting anyone similiar in mindset to him.

 

[caela]

Well I am no expert, especially considering that I am just barely starting to get my feet wet in RL, but I would say that if you found one man out there that enjoyed the contrasts in your personality that it is highly likely there are more.

I'd also be inclined to say that the dom you talked to might need a few reality pills for trying to tell you that you were basically S.O.L. because you weren't a 24/7 sub. In the munch group I've joined alone I've met girls that are 24/7, that are only submissive in the bedroom and a totally charming SAM that makes everyone laugh with her energy and smart mouth. As much diversity as I see in my munch group and these boards I feel pretty safe in saying that there seems to be a Dom end of the spectrum to line up fairly well with the sub end no matter where you fall on it.

Be patient and don't give up looking.

 

[Netzach]

I totally think you will find guys who will be relieved by your wanting to be pushed around in bed and only in bed. They may not always be found where lifestyle Doms are found though.

 

[Moleculor]

I think much the same way, but I usually call 'em "sexual" and "service".

For me, all I want is to be in control in the bedroom (edit: most of the time). Outside of it, I could -possibly- get into a very few rules, much later in the relationship, but otherwise I just want a vaguely vanilla with hints of kink "non-sexual" relationship. I don't want a service sub.

 

[Technodivinitas]

A different view on 24/7

I only like to be pushed around in a sexual context too- but so long as it's Master doing the pushing, it sort of has a sexual context by default, so it's really more along the lines of saying, "I enjoy being horny/thinking about sex 24/7, in and out of the bedroom." I can eroticize anything, and a whole hell of a lot of daily grind (no pun intended) stuff becomes a LOT more fun and worth looking forward to that way!

(Unfortunately, I think it might be turning me into a bit of a painslut, too... Pain=Master's pleasure. Master's pleasure is a good thing, but Master enjoys actually seeing/feeling me suffering, so, I enjoy it too. But only in a sexual context... )

 

[marieR19]

I'm debating, have been for awhile now, whether I'm a "sexual sub" or an actual lifestyle sub, which i thought i was. Right now I do need control over my own life, and couldn't handle someone controlling my daily plans, and yet that has always been a big part of what I've wanted. I do know for sure that I want to be dominated sexually... I've only tried a little of that before and I know I would like to fully submit myself in bed. I don't think I'll actually know for sure if I'm meant to be a lifestyle sub or not until I'm more experianced in BDSM though, until I have actually tried more of what I think I want.

Marie

 

[Etoile]

I always figured lifestylers were in the minority, actually...so I wouldn't expect you to have any trouble with finding what you're looking for.

As for me, I consider myself a lifestyle slave, and that includes being a service sub - but I don't think lifestyle and service are necesssarily the same thing, and there can be one without the other. I also have a strong desire to be micromanaged, and we are working toward that in some areas.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm submissive in the bedroom, and service oriented outside it. But I also have a lively/cheeky sense of humour and I'm certainly not "Yes Master No Master three bags full Master" all day every day

Master Gil does not have the energy to micromanage me, and I don't really want to be told what to do every minute of every day. In fact I have to have quite a bit of initiative and take charge at times because of His health. He is very Dominant in our sexual encounters and He does tell me to do things outside of that but prefaced with the words "Master says" so that I know our roles are coming into the picture. Otherwise, we would be just like your average vanilla couple

 

[SweetLolita]

I am, without a doubt, a sexual submissive - and I do enjoy when sometimes I am ordered to dominate, which I can switch to as well. However, I would definitely like to experiment with being micro(nano? ) managed, and submissive as a lifestyle as well.

There just does not seem to be anyone, at the moment, who is interested in it. At all.

 

[chris9]

I, too, think that there must be 'bedroom dominants' out there. Not every person who likes to say what's done sexually will want to have the huge responsibility of dominating another person day in day out.
Personally, I'm quite glad that I'm not looking for 24/7 as that would be impossible with my long-term bf (almost 6 years). But he does do some kinky sex and some domination when it comes to sex to please me.
Outside of that, in our day to day relationship, I'd say I was more dominant. At least I do manage most of the housework, cooking, shopping, plans for weekends, vacations, whatever.
In Germany, there is a saying that there is a lid to every pot (something similar in English?).

 

[graceanne]

I'm kinda in between sexual and lifestyle. Mostly cause of the kids. That's pretty much fifty/fifty. We discuss everything so as to present a unified front. Beyond that, I have more experience with children, so normally we do it the way I think we should. I'm the oldest of five, I was a nanny before we got married, etc.

I'm also in charge of the house and how things go here. Their are two reasons for that (1) K has absolutely no interest in managing the house and (2) I'm a whole heck of a lot more anal about the house than K - in other words the house is better run when he lets me do my stuff.

But other than that everything goes through him. I do the budgets, but he looks them over and approves them. He's the boss about what I do, about hwat I eat (cause of the crohns), about where I go, etc. And he's the boss in the bedroom, too, but their's nothing new aobut that.

 

[jasonlf]

This thread is *way* too black and white, when there is a large grey area. I know I'm not a sub, but I know that I'm not a "bedroom" dom or a "lifestyle" dom. To be honest, it's a balance. I don't wanna plan someone elses life, I can barely keep my own planned, but I do want to the be ultimate authority... it isn't always 100% slave in lifestyle or 0% slave in lifestyle... I'd be more of the guy to want someone balanced, in between.

 

[graceanne]

This thread is *way* too black and white, when there is a large grey area. I know I'm not a sub, but I know that I'm not a "bedroom" dom or a "lifestyle" dom. To be honest, it's a balance. I don't wanna plan someone elses life, I can barely keep my own planned, but I do want to the be ultimate authority... it isn't always 100% slave in lifestyle or 0% slave in lifestyle... I'd be more of the guy to want someone balanced, in between.

That's why I said I was in between.

 

[jasonlf]

That's why I said I was in between.

What you described is kinda what I want

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What you described is kinda what I want

Sorry, Bubba... she's already taken. I don't think you'd wanna fight K for her... especially since she'd most likely still pick K even if he lost the fight.

 

[graceanne]

Sorry, Bubba... she's already taken. I don't think you'd wanna fight K for her... especially since she'd most likely still pick K even if he lost the fight.

LOL Well, I am kinda attached to him.

 

[Epona's Chylde]

. I don't wanna plan someone elses life, I can barely keep my own planned, but I do want to the be ultimate authority... i.

See this is where I have a problem. I'm extrememly independent and I refuse to allow ANYONE to be the ultimate authority over me outside the bedroom. I will do what I want, when I want, and I won't ask anyone's permission. This is one reason why I'm not interested in live-in b/fs...I don't like sharing my life quite that much. Might sound a little selfish but that's just my attitude right now.

I'm living on my own for the first time (before I was either with parents or my ex hubby). This is the first chance I've had to be "captain of my own ship" and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I come from a long line of strong, independent, dominant women. We've very stubborn and we usually insist on getting our way. Some might call us "bitches", lol

BUT despite being that kind of person, when I'm in the bedroom, things change for me...does that make any sense?

 

[Netzach]

Makes sense to me. I don't know anyone for whom the bedroom is exactly as outside of it, actually. I may be Domme in and out of bed, but those two things are different and in bed is more immediate and intense.

If it wasn't somehow a bit separate from the mundane life it'd be horribly boring in bed.

 

[graceanne]

Makes sense to me. Frankly I think it's great that you acknowledge what you want at this point. And probably being this way is good for you. You'll get a chance to prove you can do it by yourself, and that'll do wonders for your self esteem. And it's more of a gift to give over to a dom when you know what you're giving. At least that's what I think.

 

[jasonlf]

Sorry, Bubba... she's already taken. I don't think you'd wanna fight K for her... especially since she'd most likely still pick K even if he lost the fight.

I don't want GRACE (no offense, but she's probably too old for me, lol)... her description was just complimentary to my desires.

 

[graceanne]

I don't want GRACE (no offense, but she's probably too old for me, lol)... her description was just complimentary to my desires.

God. I'm getting to old for people. Shit.

I'M ONLY 27, YOU KNOW.

 

[jasonlf]

I'M ONLY 27, YOU KNOW.

Hah. I thought you were older.

Either way, that's still 7 years :!

 

[graceanne]

Hah. I thought you were older.

Either way, that's still 7 years :!

K's nine years older than me.

 

[AppleBiter]

I am a bedroom-only sub and my husband is a bedroom-only Dom, so it's definitely not impossible to find someone who practices D/s in the bedroom only.

 

[sphynx's dragon]

God. I'm getting to old for people. Shit.

I'M ONLY 27, YOU KNOW.

Oh be quite you...you're younger than me.



of course you ARE older than my Lady....