Lifestyle? Fetish? Kink?

[MissTaken]

It appears to me that many people enjoy different facets of BDSM and associated activities and to different degrees.

How does one know when it is a "lifestyle" for them?

Does enjoying certain activites and other emotional/mental facets necessarily mean one is a lifetyler or could one simply be "into kink?"

How does one find the line between the two?

 

[MidnightAngel]

Exactly what I was wondering!

I was just reading thru this new stuff (Cool! )! Kinda wondering where I fit into it.......? It's not a "lifestyle" for me. It's more like something that I enjoy (very much) occasionally. I guess that makes mine "just a kink"?

 

[cellis]

It appears to me that many people enjoy different facets of BDSM and associated activities and to different degrees.

How does one know when it is a "lifestyle" for them?

Does enjoying certain activites and other emotional/mental facets necessarily mean one is a lifetyler or could one simply be "into kink?"

How does one find the line between the two?

Great questions MissT...

and something that I have, as a newcomer, given alot of thought to in the past year...

I think, for me, it started out as a little "kink" or "perv" in a former relationship. You know the "tie me up and smack my ass" kind of thing.... but over time, I knew I needed more than that.

Somewhere over the course of time, as I explored myself and my needs, I realized that I was not willing to settle for just a little of that in my life, and when I began dating again, I knew that I could not go back to just a plain relationship... I had to have more.

So I guess for me, it became a move from something that was pleasureable and different to a need that had to be fulfilled.... And in retrospect, an need that was always there but that I was too afraid to explore...

 

[MissTaken]

Midnight Angel: Thanks for you input. I am hoping that many people will post their views, BDSM or not. I was very surprised when I first began my "journey into self" how much of what I had always enjoyed in my conservative little marriage was actually "kink!"

I certainly am not telling my ex that! lol

Cellis: Thanks, hon.

You have hit on something I have been giving a lot of thought to lately. Establishing "needs" and "wants." We can manage without our wants being met, but not so our needs. I suppose the first step is to identify "needs."

Now, that sounds easy enough, but it just isn't so.

Hmmmmmm

 

[Merelan]

No, not easy at all. It changes from day to day does it not? Minute by minute sometimes.

But I need one thing. Love and understanding. Okay, that's two. I have those.

I need variety or I tend to wander, and knowing myself will wander too far, and forget way back. I am working on this.

I know, I am not clearly stating it.
But, it is hard to put into words what I have only recently been realizing. Looking back at things and situations I have put myself in. Was I "asking" the other person to push me? To give me what I did not even know I wanted.

I think so. Just picked the wrong dang people. Now I wonder what they thought at the time. Blushing.

This is where Lit, and writing have helped.

 

[cellis]

MissT, you know that is so right... being able to distinguish between wants and needs.

Himself and I have recently had several conversations about that. One of the things that is most gratifying about my relationship with Himself is the fact that he truly wants to know what I NEED from him and how to meet those needs I have. And in the on-going process of this relationship, I am finding that more I can be open with him about my needs and desires, the more enjoyable our time is for both of us....

 

[petrel]

for me it is a kink/fetish at the moment - although i would admit it is probably my main one

i do nto think it will ever be a lifestyle for me - i enjoy my life the way it is and i sometimes get a wierd feeling when sex intrudes too far into everyday life - i'll be interested to see what others think - and please post your advice on my new thread

 

[Wizard]

For skitten and myself we belive we have hit the point in our life were we live the lifestyle 24/7 , now we have kids so we have to work around them but she will do as I say anytime during the day or night.......used to be just the bedroom for us.

I think another point when you take the next spet is when "normal sex" just doing do it anymore.... you need more.....


We have the unmost trust in one another and she will let me do whatever I want to do to her and she will serve my every wish......

We do take it out in public some times but still don't do it cause the worry of running into one of the kids parents etc. but for the most part we really don't care what folks think ...we are happy with our life......But we do care what our kids would have to go thru at school if it got out totally..........

 

[geri]

when i knew that being a slave was what i was and not just an interesting part of my life to relieve the boredom. when i knew that i could not turn off the servitude to Magister and i was thinking of ways to serve Him even when i was not at His feet. then i knew that this was a lifestyle for me.

don't get me wrong, admitting it didn't come easy but once i realized that i like who i am when i am serving my Master i felt a joy i had never known before. it was almost like i was finally comfortable in my skin. its a personal thing for each of us. some of us will never want more than a few hours of it to liven up their sex lives while others can't see themselves as being anything else.

when you can't turn off the submissiveness and dominance and put it away for awhile then you are a lifestyler. at least IMHO.

 

[riff]

Not a lifestyle

It is not a lifestyle for me- it's just something I am exploring.

Speaking from ignorance here, but something in me rebels against labels like this. We are all individuals.

My interests in this are purely sexual- I mean bedroom fun. I don't feel an inner need to dominate or submit to anyone in a non-sexual context. I do have a desire to dominate and to submit in the sexual arena, but this is not to say that I don't have the desire for just good old fashioned love-making.

Feedback?

 

[Wizard]

Re: Not a lifestyle

It is not a lifestyle for me- it's just something I am exploring.

Speaking from ignorance here, but something in me rebels against labels like this. We are all individuals.

My interests in this are purely sexual- I mean bedroom fun. I don't feel an inner need to dominate or submit to anyone in a non-sexual context. I do have a desire to dominate and to submit in the sexual arena, but this is not to say that I don't have the desire for just good old fashioned love-making.

Feedback?

There is nothing wrong with exploring.........Thats where it starts, you don't wake up one morning and say "I want to make it a lifestyle"...............

Explore have fun learn about yourself and your partner...............

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Not a lifestyle

I do have a desire to dominate and to submit in the sexual arena, but this is not to say that I don't have the desire for just good old fashioned love-making.

Feedback?

With the exception only of those who practice at the very extreme edge of of S/m-only sexuality, i'm going out on a limb here and state that every single BDSM'er has the desire and need for good old fashioned love-making, too.

Most of us love our partners. We laugh with them. We go grocery shopping with them. We drive thru McDonald's. We take pictures of Janelle's 3rd bithday party. We frown at the way the heating bill went up this month compared to last month.

And we make love to our partners because we are in love with them.

We just have that extra to draw from, too, that deep well of utter trust and sensation play into which we can delve when we need it or want it.

But we always like a smattering of good old-fashioned love making in with all the rest of it, just like you.

 

[geri]

Re: Re: Not a lifestyle

With the exception only of those who practice at the very extreme edge of of S/m-only sexuality, i'm going out on a limb here and state that every single BDSM'er has the desire and need for good old fashioned love-making, too.

Most of us love our partners. We laugh with them. We go grocery shopping with them. We drive thru McDonald's. We take pictures of Janelle's 3rd bithday party. We frown at the way the heating bill went up this month compared to last month.

And we make love to our partners because we are in love with them.

We just have that extra to draw from, too, that deep well of utter trust and sensation play into which we can delve when we need it or want it.

But we always like a smattering of good old-fashioned love making in with all the rest of it, just like you.

wonderfully put, Cym and it expresses how i feel also. i love the openess and trust that has to be a part of a BDSM relationship for it to thrive. my past nilla relationships might not have gone down the drain if they had used more trust and openess. but with the fact that part of the D/s relationship is one partner handing over all power to another it makes that need for those things much deeper and that makes the bond between the two much deeper also.

the every day things make it well balanced. in fact it is the everyday part of it i love the most. the sexual part is erotic and the high is fantastic if it is done right but the going about the daily routine and sharing that deep bond in everything you do is the part i treasure most.

 

[riff]

I think I like this place!

I'm so happy!

How reassuring it is to hear your comments. Thank you!

 

[MissTaken]

I think another good point that Cym touched on, which is also part of the intent of thread is that we all participate to varying degrees.

Many I have talked with want their D/s to remain iessentially in the bedroom or in private.

Others have bits and pieces that they feel will benefit on a 24/7, but wouldn't want the complete power exchange to occur 24/7.

Then others, want 24/7 D/s.

Once again, knowing yourself and your expectations are the first step in exploring to what degree you want to engage in kink behaviors and/or BDSM.

 

[mskittykatt]

in my case things are a bit different then many people i've seen. i am very very happy in a relationship with a "vanilla" man, Bry.
he has a very hard time with hurting me, despite the pleasure he which is obvious when he does give in to my pleas. the little he does give me is enjoyable, but not enough.
here is what makes me a very lucky kitty! he has excercised the one bit of control he, has that matters the most, and given me my Lord and Master, Sannion. they compliment each other wonderfully and i am not left wanting in any way.
i can no longer picture my life without either of them, and they very much touch my life in all areas. i couldn't imagine going back to life before both of them.
i am so lucky to have two wonderful men devoted to my happiness and well being, and would not trade this life for anything.
i don't know exactly when it went from Sannion and i exploring a D/s relationship together, to the way i look at life... it kinda snuck up on me. in any case i am most grateful for my life today!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

It appears to me that many people enjoy different facets of BDSM and associated activities and to different degrees.

How does one know when it is a "lifestyle" for them?

Does enjoying certain activites and other emotional/mental facets necessarily mean one is a lifetyler or could one simply be "into kink?"

How does one find the line between the two?

I am a lifestyle Domme, and it was a long slow transition for me. I just found out that a traditional relationship was not working for me. I also found out that I could dominate a man, in a way that mutually benefited us both. It is more complicated than that, but for this post, that is the nutshell.

As for labels, I steer clear. There is no true way to live this lifestyle. A label will not clarify your role in it. You just have to live it at wahtever level you find yourself at. It is an evolving process. Let those who will label you, do it. That is their problem, not yours.

Ebony

 

[Hecate]

Lifestyle - kink?

I admit I never have asked myself about it. And I am not sure if it does matter actually...

If you go by definition "lifestyle" as being a part of who you are and what makes part of my personality I am a lifestyle woman, a lifestyle professional in my field of employment, a lifestyle aunt and a lifestyle ... whatever and I guess I am a lifestyle BDSM-er then as well. As is easy to see though I am not constantly at all times all of the above. there are times and places for each of the facets of my being in equal strength and equally obvious. Thus I would say I am just as well a woman with a kinky sensual sexual side, willing to discover and play, not taking BDSM dead serious (geee, I wouldn't take sex dead serious at all nor do I take most other things all that serious anyway) but as well a lifestyler who has accepted and embraced that side of my personality as adding to the ME I am today.

I have never wondered about how much a part it is of me, just dealt with it being there - I know though I like it and don't want to be without that side of me.

Does it make a lifestyle if you life in a 24/7 BDSM relation and none if you are single with the occassional play partner to fill that gap? does it make a lifestyle if you aer in constant Domme-mode (treat all men/women you encounter like a Domme and subs), no matter what the place and context of meeting someone? (Yikes - I sure don't .. that part is reserved for a select few who know to appreciate my efforts *winks*) And is it a kink if you only "play BDSM" in your relation, or even there maybe not on a 24/7 basis but in time limited scenes?

In those cases no, I am not a lifestyle Domme, it is just a kink for me.

Do I care either way? No, I don't. Just becasue it makes no difference for me as long as I feel complete and happy that way.

 

[riff]

Into BDSM?

My interests are dominance and submission in the bedroom. I like having a fuck toy. I like being a fucktoy. And fucktoys should be treated like fucktoys.

Does this qualify as being into it?

And you are right, it doesn't really matter. I am fascinated by the entire thing and want to learn more, but in the end, it all boils down to enjoying sex.

I guess I asked the "into it" question because I have read people refer to things such as people posing, advanced this, advanced that....

~shrugs shoulders~

Is there an elite squad?

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Into BDSM?

~

Is there an elite squad?

Geesh, I hope not!




I think we definitely need to be wary of labels and fitting into a box. It is what it is....something we enjoy or don't enjoy; something we need or don't need. Knowing ourselves and our tastes is what is the key, not what we call ourselves.

Hecate, thank you for sharing your insight. Someday, I do hope to find myself confidant enough in myself and a relationship to just simply enjoy.

 

[Lain]

It appears to me that many people enjoy different facets of BDSM and associated activities and to different degrees.

How does one know when it is a "lifestyle" for them?

Does enjoying certain activites and other emotional/mental facets necessarily mean one is a lifetyler or could one simply be "into kink?"

How does one find the line between the two?

Now I'm admittedly very new to this (6 weeks or so!) but it seems to me that my relationship keeps the D/s stuff mostly in the bedroom with the occasional reference in real life. Considering dominance and submission are part of our respective personalities, it's not too surprising that it comes up in how we interact day-to-day.

One incident early on that actually got me a little concerned was when I was teasing my partner about something little, and we were arguing in a very light-hearted way, when I paused and looked him in the eye. He immediately dropped his gaze and agreed with me. It didn't matter in the context of the argument for him to give in so easily -- it wasn't something either of us cared about (I can't even remember the subject matter) but it worried me . What if there are times in the future when we are arguing about something that he *does* care about, and he gives in on account of his submissiveness? It is a concern of mine that once BDSM is no longer restricted to the bedroom, it has the potential to unbalance relationships. Can any sub speak to this?

I noticed my dominant nature (or perhaps it was "anti-submissiveness"?) the other night in the grocery store. My love was doing the shopping, but I refused to walk behind him -- even though he was the one who knew where we were going.

Lain

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: Lifestyle? Fetish? Kink?

It is a concern of mine that once BDSM is no longer restricted to the bedroom, it has the potential to unbalance relationships. Can any sub speak to this?

I admit its hard sometimes to not give in during arguements. That is when he speaks up and lets me know that he does not want me to give in just because. He wants me to be me when I am not in the bedroom. I have a very hard time with that.

But to answer the original question. To me,its just a part of who I am.

 

[Magister]

I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say here, but I felt moved to respond to your question about unbalancing relationships.

I have, over the last year, come to the realization that I will only be truly happy in a BDSM-laden relationship. In fact, I feel a need to dominate that transcends the bedroom and playtime, and extends into every facet of the relationship. I came to this realization alongside geri, who was coming to her own realization that what she needed most in the world was to be a slave... My slave.

I would never say this is right for everyone, or even most, but it works for the relationship that she and I have. Is it unbalanced? Well, in terms of power, hell yes! I have all of it, and she has none. I will ask her opinion of most things, but, ultimately, things are done my way, and that is a tremendous source of comfort to her. I guess what I am trying to say is that an unbalance of power is not always a bad thing, and equality isn't necessarily based on decision-making power.

When we are together, I will provide for us, and make all the decisions. geri will act as support, enabling me to do the things I do. Neither of us would be complete without the other, so equality is present in that each of us has a very important role to play, one which would be impossible without the other.

 

[MissTaken]

Hello Magister, dear friend,

Thank you for you insight. However, in my naive wisdom, I don't believe that the relationship is one of inequality. Frankly, for the reasons you posted.

When decisions are made, repeatedly and consistently by the Dom soley to meet his own needs, with no regard for the sub or her wishes, that would be inequality.

The relationship you desciribe is not like that at all.

Furthermore, the negotiation piece between Dom and sub assists to meet everyone's needs. Hence the relationship can be seen as one of equality.

I am rambling and expect lots of feedback from this comment....again, be gentle. I am a novice ! lol

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say here, but I felt moved to respond to your question about unbalancing relationships.

I have, over the last year, come to the realization that I will only be truly happy in a BDSM-laden relationship. In fact, I feel a need to dominate that transcends the bedroom and playtime, and extends into every facet of the relationship. I came to this realization alongside geri, who was coming to her own realization that what she needed most in the world was to be a slave... My slave.

I would never say this is right for everyone, or even most, but it works for the relationship that she and I have. Is it unbalanced? Well, in terms of power, hell yes! I have all of it, and she has none. I will ask her opinion of most things, but, ultimately, things are done my way, and that is a tremendous source of comfort to her. I guess what I am trying to say is that an unbalance of power is not always a bad thing, and equality isn't necessarily based on decision-making power.

When we are together, I will provide for us, and make all the decisions. geri will act as support, enabling me to do the things I do. Neither of us would be complete without the other, so equality is present in that each of us has a very important role to play, one which would be impossible without the other.

I see it the same way from the other side. I am a Domme who is in the process of looking for 24/7 male slave.

Ebony