"Life"

[goode]

Life
before i lay, you down to sleep
i pray for dreams, for you to keep
i lay beside you, for however long
just for you, i will be strong

when you awake, i will be too
watching, waiting, loving you
you might be grumpy, you might be sad
but with me around, you will be glad

i'll take you out, i'll show you the world
meeting people, young and old
we'll sample the highs, we'll challenge our goals
finding out, our connected souls

and when the time comes, i'll ask for your hand
we'll live forever, in this pleasant land
our future is set, we will create
a young me and you, tom and kate

 

[wildsweetone]

nice. i don't use that word very often, but this poem is nice.

welcome to the poetry forum.

do you want critiques of your poem?

 

[goode]

nice. i don't use that word very often, but this poem is nice.

welcome to the poetry forum.

do you want critiques of your poem?

Thanks Karen. Yes, i dont mind critiques.

I have some more.

I always imagine, your sweeter than most
caring and sharing, its easy to boast
i wake up each morning, my mind starts to wonder
im thinking of you, a spell i am under

days teach me things, about life and love
i wish i was with you, in heaven above
i realise reality, i know i can get hurt
i cant help myself, i just want to flirt.


im looking at her, the one that is fun
she knows im doing so, shes the one
i guage her attention, the serial eyes
im blown by desire, its no surprise

will she blush, or will she look back
now or never, i must attack
i walk to her slowly, and to no surprise
im falling in love, with angel eyes.


the girl has style, the way she walks
i feel so comfortable, i talk, she talks
can she read my mind, do i dare read hers
does she like diamonds, or does she like pearls

can i sit down beside her, can i get her alone
when its just her and me, when shes off the phone
i cant hold my feelings, im thinking of bliss
how close will i get, will we ever kiss.

 

[Liar]

Thanks Karen. Yes, i dont mind critiques.

Ok, then...

(oh and before I get to that, Hi and Welcome to the forum )

Here's one thing that confuses me when I read your poems. You use a comma on each line, not because it's gramatically meant to be there, but to indicate some sort of pause, right? "Days teach me things, about life and love" I think you don't need those. The rhythm of the rhyme scheme is perfectly clear anyway.

cheers!

 

[wildsweetone]

Thanks Karen. Yes, i dont mind critiques.

Okey Dokey, well I'll try to make this painless for you. *smile*

I've taken just two stanzas of this second poem you've posted and in bold you'll see my thoughts.

I always imagine,(delete comma) your(you're or you are) sweeter than most
caring and sharing,(delete comma) its(it's or it is) easy to boast
i(capital I) wake up each morning, my mind starts to wonder
im(I'm) thinking of you, a spell i(I) am under(because there is no ending punctuation here, I was tricked into thinking that the next line would carry on in the same sentence, but realise it is definately the end here and beginning at 'Days')

days(Days) teach me things,(delete comma) about life and love
i(I) wish i(I) was with you,(delete comma) in heaven above
i(I) realise reality, i(I) know i(I) can get hurt
i(I) cant(can't, cannot or can not) help myself, i(I) just want to flirt.

...

So, whilst the poem itself makes sense and the rhyming scheme seems correct (I am no expert on rhyming poetry), I just see a need for a little tidy up with your punctuation and useage of 'i' for 'I' and contractions 'its' for 'it's' etc. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is something I'd recommend you check out if you're interested in learning more. *smile*

I got mixed up with my bold comments and couldn't tell where the commas should stay in and where they should be out in the end, also it's confusing looking in among the html stuff to find where the full stops (periods) should go... I'm guessing at the end of each second line, but you'll need to check that yourself. New thought = new sentence. Basically.

Does this second poem have the same title as the first? Is there no title for it? Don't be afraid to practise dreaming up titles. From my experience, I needed the practise so that I could get past the rubbish titles and really get to grips with better ones. (I'm still practising, by the way. lol )

I hope some of what I've said is helpful.

wso
ps I notice I am outed as Karen and then realised you must have looked at my Waffledom page. I hope you liked what you read.

 

[champagne1982]

Hello goode. Welcome to the PFD forum.

You're doing the best thing ever for your writing. Hopefully, not minding critique will extend into not minding the required and inevitable editing this path will recommend to you.

Any comments I leave here are about the poem and not you or your abilities. It is very difficult to write rhyme and you are brave to do so and to show us that you write in that style. Please don't take my remarks personally and feel free to use or discard any suggestions I make. This is only my personal opinion and I am merely one voice.

Let's start with that little thing called the passive voice (aka "Yoda speak"). I notice you slip into it to make an end rhyme work in the context of the couplet or quatrain. This result makes your rhyme seem forced and your poem's language feel a little undeveloped.

For example, you write:
i wake up each morning, my mind starts to wonder
im thinking of you, a spell i am under

but what if you changed it to point it in a more definite direction?
I wake up each morning under your spell.
Lustful thoughts on you. Can't you tell?

In my example the rhyming words at the end seem simpler, but can you hear the change the word order makes in the way the strophe feels?

When you adhere to a scheme over a longer poem, words can tend to repeat and often, a more suitable word choice gets passed over in favour of "Yoda speak" and an easier (to fit) rhyme. Never be so "in love" with a phrase or a word that you can't change your lines around to read more naturally and speechlike. (Unless, Yoda you are, hmmm?)

It's fun to write rhyming poetry but often, the verse will tend towards sounding like a sing-song chant which will rob your poetry of any seriousness and possibly your message will get lost.

Please continue to write and grow. Thankyou for letting us comment on your poems.

 

[WickedEve]

goode, you're getting some fine advice. Just think of yourself as a poet with training wheels. The poets here will hold onto you until you're ready for them to let go.
And champ... That post of yours should get some sort of forum award!

 

[champagne1982]

goode, you're getting some fine advice. Just think of yourself as a poet with training wheels. The poets here will hold onto you until you're ready for them to let go.
And champ... That post of yours should get some sort of forum award!

Just to know that my posts are making some kind of sense and in a way that's easy to swallow is enough... Thankyou.

(I'm really trying to be gentler and precise so that I stop being misinterpreted. I hate it when what should be water off a duck's back sticks like an oil spill instead.)