Life Choices

[Lizzie_Borden]

Pardon me for asking, but, what is FT?

Oh.

Fulltime.

Sorry.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Serving the needs and wants of the Master. osg and Hottiemama put it best, quite frankly. Slavery is not for everyone. It is not about the slave having equal spotlight time as the Master. It is about the Master doing what is best for him/herself, for the sub, and for the both of them/the house collectively.

And as to the whole of the uplifting of the slave... "I cannot use My toy, if it is broken". I can't very well use an arachnaphobic slave to go clean out a shed full of spiders, now, can I? Either I'm going to have to do it myself (which I'm not about to do, it's the slave's task), or I'm going to have to fix that which is broken. Get rid of the fear, and then instill an appreciation for spider-killing. Then send the slave out there with a few cans of Raid.

Same applies to the OP... If you are a Master in deed, and not merely in title, then fix that which is broken, instill a new appreciation for what you want her to do... and get'er done. It is that simple. There should be no beating around the bush with it.



I found peace by doing so as my marriage of 15 years fell apart (and with twin teenage boys, it's not much different than elementary school kids when it comes to "keeping an eye on them"). The only thing that kept me going, to be honest, *was* being trained to please my Master: it is, quite honestly, the only reason I'm still walking this earth instead of dead by my stepmother's hands, or living on the streets right now. Long story, but hey, idiotic things work sometimes.

Shit. If someone thought some of my personality quirks and traits meant that part of me was 'broken' I'd have to be very careful my self esteem wasn't broken by that person.

Chances are I'd run like hell first.

 

[KoPilot]

Serving the needs and wants of the Master. osg and Hottiemama put it best, quite frankly. Slavery is not for everyone. It is not about the slave having equal spotlight time as the Master. It is about the Master doing what is best for him/herself, for the sub, and for the both of them/the house collectively.

And as to the whole of the uplifting of the slave... "I cannot use My toy, if it is broken". I can't very well use an arachnaphobic slave to go clean out a shed full of spiders, now, can I? Either I'm going to have to do it myself (which I'm not about to do, it's the slave's task), or I'm going to have to fix that which is broken. Get rid of the fear, and then instill an appreciation for spider-killing. Then send the slave out there with a few cans of Raid.

Same applies to the OP... If you are a Master in deed, and not merely in title, then fix that which is broken, instill a new appreciation for what you want her to do... and get'er done. It is that simple. There should be no beating around the bush with it.



I found peace by doing so as my marriage of 15 years fell apart (and with twin teenage boys, it's not much different than elementary school kids when it comes to "keeping an eye on them"). The only thing that kept me going, to be honest, *was* being trained to please my Master: it is, quite honestly, the only reason I'm still walking this earth instead of dead by my stepmother's hands, or living on the streets right now. Long story, but hey, idiotic things work sometimes.

I have an extremely hard time with the concept of calling people who don't meet your exact criteria for perfection "broken".

I'm seeing a lot of people here trying to provide troubleshooting and workarounds within the framework of some sort of M/s whatever, and I think those people are missing the point. The impression that I get is that the wife doesn't want to work within that framework much at all anymore: she's not going to be ordered to "fix" herself if she's not looking to be ordered around. I'm sorry but, D/s arrangements aren't going to be hard and fast rules for every couple forever. People change, and life happens. You can be sad and disappointed when those people change, but it's completely selfish and unfair for you to expect them to maintain your vision of status quo indefinitely.

There is no easy dom fix for this. In fact, I second the counseling notion.

 

[CutieMouse]

The interesting thing [to me] about advice on online forums, is the advisers always infuse their own life experience into their answers.

Ravenwind offered her suggestions, because of experience - it's how a similar problem was solved in her own life. So the advice to dangle a carrot made sense. I had a total "WTF?" rant, because when I was in a similar situation, dangling carrots damn near destroyed me.

Ultimately, the OP needs to know his audience [his wife/submissive], because his solution may lie somewhere in the mish-mosh of suggestions everyone has offered.

 

[Keroin]

Not to add to the dog pile

This is why I usually don't engage in these discussions, because "dog pile" is so often what they feel like.

Make the slave perfect in every way.

Good luck with that.

For myself, I believe there is beauty in imperfection. To make someone "perfect" is to diminish the totality of who they are and to deprive yourself of the growth that comes with acceptance. Also, the older I get the more I see how much real life abhors perfection.

But whatever floats your boat.

Ultimately, the OP needs to know his audience [his wife/submissive], because his solution may lie somewhere in the mish-mosh of suggestions everyone has offered.

Best advice of the thread.

 

[CutieMouse]

For myself, I believe there is beauty in imperfection. To make someone "perfect" is to diminish the totality of who they are and to deprive yourself of the growth that comes with acceptance. Also, the older I get the more I see how much real life abhors perfection.

But whatever floats your boat.

As a perfectionist, I've come to realize the nicest thing I can do for myself is recognize the fleeting nature of perfection. "Perfect" is a temporary state of mind/being. The second one achieves "perfection", a new standard is set; the bar is raised - therefore, what you just did isn't "perfect" anymore.

 

[Stella_Omega]

We rarely see the hard core around here, that's for sure. I tend to think in other terms, as Ravenwind says-- M/s isn't for everyone.

Or many people at all.

 

[Keroin]

As a perfectionist, I've come to realize the nicest thing I can do for myself is recognize the fleeting nature of perfection. "Perfect" is a temporary state of mind/being. The second one achieves "perfection", a new standard is set; the bar is raised - therefore, what you just did isn't "perfect" anymore.

Ditto.

Striving toward perfection brings me great fulfillment. Expecting to achieve perfection can only bring disappointment. (And it has).

I hate L's flaws. I love L's flaws. They are what make him...him. I don't want to share my life with a robot, I want a living, complex, challenging human. But...that's me.

/side ramble

 

[Keroin]

We rarely see the hard core around here, that's for sure. I tend to think in other terms, as Ravenwind says-- M/s isn't for everyone.

Or many people at all.

Apologies to the OP for this side discussion but...

I think there are very few people out there who can live happily in that kind (or any kind) of narrowly defined relationship for any great length of time. And it certainly makes for a very small pool of possible partner candidates.

 

[eastern sun]

I am Dom my wife and I married as Master / slave. That was twelve yrs ago and 3 children ago. We have managed to live at times as the situation allowed. Now that the children are getting independent, My Wife-slave is only interested in sex just not as my slave anymore. She has been distant as a Slave aggressive sexually. She has said she wants our old life back but her actions speak VOLUMES. My Voice doesn't mean what it once did.

Our life together has always been around her submissiveness and my dominance. Now that is changing for her. I have doubts as to the relationship's sustainability if our roles evolve beyond our "Normal". I feel guilty that Even though I love her I am not happy in our relationship. Love is supposed to concur all, BUT the tensions arising from sexual issues are driving us apart.

I have always lived to MY Ideals. WHAT now though? do I just wave good bye to who and what I am just to maintain a relationship. This is reality. To put it bluntly I don't want just intercourse, I REQUIRE more. I have had all that up to the last yrar. We've been through so much that would have torn most vanilla couples apart, but we survived. In part I Believe that was because we were true to our roles to Ourselves. Now I am supposed to change?

I know the she needs to be reading this but As much as I want to I am afraid it would be the end of us. We have children. We can not simply go our own way.

Any one out there have and constructive input? I have been riding this out for over a year now.

I have a different take on this. If it is true that she has said she wants your old life back, I would take her at her word.

Raising children allows even a submissive woman to discover all kinds of authority and power. In my own relationship, it turned the tables between my husband and myself in the first few years of our children's lives.

I can't speak for your wife, but I know that I discovered what it means to have power after I had children, even if it has been executed within the framework of an M/s relationship.

And I have felt my husband's resentment when my power is expressed. I have expressed my power anyway, simply because it is a wonderful thing to be empowered.

In our relationship we have dealt with this a number of ways. He has refused to interact with me, and interacted with others instead. He has simmered, and exploded, and stated clearly and unequivocally what his interests and desires are.

But, I would suggest to the OP, that the only genuine solution is for you to recognize that her power, her desire to be submissive, her ability to be aggressive sexually, her whole nature is within your ability to own.

If you don't think you can own her totality, then you are - in fact - limiting her to the few characteristics you want most. That is your choice.

But, know that any woman - or man - is far more complex than the fairly small range of qualities that we find most attractive and desirable. If you were to leave her, and find someone else, the same thing will happen again.

You owe it to the years you have spent together to look at her wholeness and know that you have the capacity to own all of it, even if it takes some expansion of your own mind to do it.

 

[DVS]

We all have our own opinions and often like to share what works for us. But we need to also understand that what works for us might not work for someone else. Giving advice to someone should also include the advice to seek advice from others.

 

[Ravenwind]

I hate L's flaws. I love L's flaws. They are what make him...him. I don't want to share my life with a robot, I want a living, complex, challenging human. But...that's me.

And I enjoy having someone who worships me, is completely honest and obedient, will happily endure any hardship in my name, and has such self-control that they can cum on command without stimulation or delay orgasm indefinitely even with intense stimulation.

But that's just me.

 

[midwestyankee]

The interesting thing [to me] about advice on online forums, is the advisers always infuse their own life experience into their answers.

Ravenwind offered her suggestions, because of experience - it's how a similar problem was solved in her own life. So the advice to dangle a carrot made sense. I had a total "WTF?" rant, because when I was in a similar situation, dangling carrots damn near destroyed me.

Ultimately, the OP needs to know his audience [his wife/submissive], because his solution may lie somewhere in the mish-mosh of suggestions everyone has offered.

Note to self: when dealing with CM, bring parsnips.

 

[Keroin]

If you don't think you can own her totality, then you are - in fact - limiting her to the few characteristics you want most. That is your choice.

But, know that any woman - or man - is far more complex than the fairly small range of qualities that we find most attractive and desirable. If you were to leave her, and find someone else, the same thing will happen again.

You owe it to the years you have spent together to look at her wholeness and know that you have the capacity to own all of it, even if it takes some expansion of your own mind to do it.

Beautifully expressed.

The part in bold is a much more eloquent expression of what I was trying to put across.

ES, I was really hoping you'd post here. Your relationship, to me, is a perfect example of how to blend M/s, and the realities/complexities of life.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And I enjoy having someone who worships me, is completely honest and obedient, will happily endure any hardship in my name, and has such self-control that they can cum on command without stimulation or delay orgasm indefinitely even with intense stimulation.

But that's just me.

I like to read romance stories featuring characters like that.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

And I enjoy having someone who worships me, is completely honest and obedient, will happily endure any hardship in my name, and has such self-control that they can cum on command without stimulation or delay orgasm indefinitely even with intense stimulation.

But that's just me.

...so you don't actually want a PERSON, just a breathing sex toy?

 

[Stella_Omega]

...so you don't actually want a PERSON, just a breathing sex toy?

Dude it's definitely a real part of BDSM. For some people, yeah. That, or some other equally strictured lifestyle is exactly what they want.

It's like edgeplay, not for most of us-- heaven knows-- but it exists.

 

[Ravenwind]

...so you don't actually want a PERSON, just a breathing sex toy?

There is more to it than that. But, to dumb it down as succinctly as you had, I want what boils down to a intelligent dog that can speak English.

"Fetch, ubu, fetch. Good boy." "thanks, Ma'am"

For me, it isn't even about sex at all. I don't even have sex with my subs. It's about the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological control over them.

 

[Keroin]

There is more to it than that. But, to dumb it down as succinctly as you had, I want what boils down to a intelligent dog that can speak English.

"Fetch, ubu, fetch. Good boy." "thanks, Ma'am"

For me, it isn't even about sex at all. I don't even have sex with my subs. It's about the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological control over them.

Which is all fine and well. But when you are talking about a life partner, someone you not only have sex with but also have children with, someone who you hope to grow old with, (who you may have to care for eventually, or vice versa), then I think "intelligent dog that speaks English" probably won't be enough.

For most people.

The OP is not asking for advice merely about a sub or slave, but about his wife and mother of his children.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

And I enjoy having someone who worships me, is completely honest and obedient, will happily endure any hardship in my name, and has such self-control that they can cum on command without stimulation or delay orgasm indefinitely even with intense stimulation.

But that's just me.

This is what I strive to be for my Mistress. I am a breathing sex toy, when Mistress wants that. But I am also someone she can debate topics with, discuss issues with, play strategy games with. I am a living, breathing, complex human being. She and I fit each other perfectly. We fulfill each other in who we are. It is not an equal partnership, and neither of us want that. We love each other, strengths, weaknesses and all.

 

[midwestyankee]

Which is all fine and well. But when you are talking about a life partner, someone you not only have sex with but also have children with, someone who you hope to grow old with, (who you may have to care for eventually, or vice versa), then I think "intelligent dog that speaks English" probably won't be enough.

For most people.

The OP is not asking for advice merely about a sub or slave, but about his wife and mother of his children.

Agreed. I would insist on her being able to speak passable French as well.


Which, btw, is meant with the same degree of pertinence to reality as displayed by the post to which Keroin was reacting here.

 

[Keroin]

Agreed. I would insist on her being able to speak passable French as well.


Which, btw, is meant with the same degree of pertinence to reality as displayed by the post to which Keroin was reacting here.

Mais oui.

 

[BiBunny]

Which is all fine and well. But when you are talking about a life partner, someone you not only have sex with but also have children with, someone who you hope to grow old with, (who you may have to care for eventually, or vice versa), then I think "intelligent dog that speaks English" probably won't be enough.

For most people.

The OP is not asking for advice merely about a sub or slave, but about his wife and mother of his children.

Yes, this. All this. Right here.

 

[KoPilot]

Which is all fine and well. But when you are talking about a life partner, someone you not only have sex with but also have children with, someone who you hope to grow old with, (who you may have to care for eventually, or vice versa), then I think "intelligent dog that speaks English" probably won't be enough.

For most people.

The OP is not asking for advice merely about a sub or slave, but about his wife and mother of his children.

I miss your posts.

 

[Bandit58]

I have become more assertive since Sir and I have been together. He's actively encouraged it.

Mind you, I do not identify as slave.