Life Choices

[marieR19]

Which is all fine and well. But when you are talking about a life partner, someone you not only have sex with but also have children with, someone who you hope to grow old with, (who you may have to care for eventually, or vice versa), then I think "intelligent dog that speaks English" probably won't be enough.

For most people.

The OP is not asking for advice merely about a sub or slave, but about his wife and mother of his children.

THIS. Yes. Exactly.

The OP did *not* ask advice about a toy or an "intelligent dog", the OP is talking about a wife with children. A *person*, who has other responsibilities and duties other then "slave".

Frankly, the type of lifestyle expressed by Ravenwind scares the crap out of me. Because I *can't* be the "perfect" slave, I am physically "broken", does that mean that I will never be worthy of being a slave? Because there are things that *have* to come first in my life, before my Master's needs (like my sanity, in a "literally, sanity is in question here" type of way)....

Those type of posts make me feel like, because of the physical and mental limitations I have, I'll never be good enough to be a "slave". And that scares me.

 

[Jax_Teller]

Thank you

The interesting thing [to me] about advice on online forums, is the advisers always infuse their own life experience into their answers.

Ravenwind offered her suggestions, because of experience - it's how a similar problem was solved in her own life. So the advice to dangle a carrot made sense. I had a total "WTF?" rant, because when I was in a similar situation, dangling carrots damn near destroyed me.

Ultimately, the OP needs to know his audience [his wife/submissive], because his solution may lie somewhere in the mish-mosh of suggestions everyone has offered.

Thank you.

THANK YOU ALL. Seriously. I needed to Vent - THINK, outside of our relationship, there by, working through different solutions to {{my}} Our- situation.

In the end I Hope we can be happy, but ultimately She has the power to leave as well. I have given her explicit authority to seek out sexual solutions out side of our relationship. She has found another to fulfill that need.

I am me and have changed as well. I hope one day we will be able to regain that which has been laid to rest for the time being. Ours was all that and the cherry on top. I miss what was Us. Now I must accept that we are just different and that doesn't mean wrong / broken or other terms, just not what we were.

For me the lack of the "romance our M/s relationship " has changed and it is difficult to accept. I will not seek out another relationship, for me it would diminish what we once were.

As her "Husband" - Master - Sir~, I will adjust to keep her satisfied. At the end of the day that was always my goal that she could be all that she wanted, I just didn't see this possibility.

I am sorry about my poor writing skill, but this is being written of emotion not intellect.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Thank you.

THANK YOU ALL. Seriously. I needed to Vent - THINK, outside of our relationship, there by, working through different solutions to {{my}} Our- situation.

In the end I Hope we can be happy, but ultimately She has the power to leave as well. I have given her explicit authority to seek out sexual solutions out side of our relationship. She has found another to fulfill that need.

I am me and have changed as well. I hope one day we will be able to regain that which has been laid to rest for the time being. Ours was all that and the cherry on top. I miss what was Us. Now I must accept that we are just different and that doesn't mean wrong / broken or other terms, just not what we were.

For me the lack of the "romance our M/s relationship " has changed and it is difficult to accept. I will not seek out another relationship, for me it would diminish what we once were.

As her "Husband" - Master - Sir~, I will adjust to keep her satisfied. At the end of the day that was always my goal that she could be all that she wanted, I just didn't see this possibility.

I am sorry about my poor writing skill, but this is being written of emotion not intellect.

Good luck! I wish you and your wife the best

 

[Keroin]

I miss your posts.

Awwww....shucks.

Thank you.

THANK YOU ALL. Seriously. I needed to Vent - THINK, outside of our relationship, there by, working through different solutions to {{my}} Our- situation...

Good to hear you are working on a solution. Life changes are tough, often painful. And they happen to everyone. If you look at yourself, you're probably a different person now than you were ten years ago, and you'll be a different person ten years from now, etc. (As you said, you've also changed). That's the challenge of long term relationships of any flavour: finding a way to hold onto each other through the changes.

If it doesn't work, it's not the end of the world. But if it does, the rewards can be extraordinary.

Hang in there and good luck!

 

[ThisKittyKat]

Always Learning

I've read this thread with interest, and the one thing that I'll remember is...if I want to get over my fear of spiders, I need to take a Master.

Now if they advertised that as one of the USPs, there would be subs queuing down the street to sign up...

 

[SirLeo]

Here is MHO:
When we marry, most people don't think of growing together, they think of the present being static into the future. Of course for most people, this is not the case. Most people do grow as they age. Growth means change. Growth is scary. Helping each other grow is the best part about being married.

It sounds like your wife is growing. It also sounds like this scares you. You cna choose to be scared, and stay as you are and likely lose your family. Or you can choose to grow, embrace the change and become something new, bigger, and better as an individual, as two individuals and as a couple.

Good luck! Choose wisely.

 

[barelytrained]

A question only

Not to add to the dog pile, but...

Why is a Master's happiness more important than the submissive/slave's happiness? One could just as easily turn that comment around, and point out that an unhappy submissive/slave can easily lose all interest/desire in serving. I am one hell of a submissive partner *when happy*... I suck ass at it [submission] when unhappy.

Adults in loving relationships tend to compromise - even those who structure their relationships around the dynamics of power exchange.

The OP goes into how "OMG she's in her 40s and doesn't want to submit any more blahblahblah!!!" I'm not 100% on board with Stella's interpretation (that she needs more control)... I wonder if that the glowing happy, perfect slave modus operandi could have masked feelings of abandonment [emotional or otherwise], being overwhelmed or burdened [3 kids in 12 years?], a sense of unfairness [from inequality], and/or a lack of investment [on the Master's part as the family evolves].

You've been through "so much that would have torn vanilla couples apart"? I'd argue that your issues aren't specifically D/s - they are relationship issues. Love does not conquer all. Anyone who thinks it does is living in lala land. The OP would be well advised to find set aside some time to talk as equals and/or find a family/marriage therapist and reassess how to make the marriage (and D/s stuff) work with the family NOW - not how the family used to be. The children are gaining independence... guess what? Maybe Mom [submissive/slave] isn't comfortable deferring around the children for fear it undermines her authority with them. Maybe Mom [submissive/slave] has had so many people taking [needing/demanding/wanting] to come first, that shes' maxed out. Maybe she really does miss being submissive, she just doesn't now HOW, with reality (husband, 3 kids, world to run) staring her in the face every morning.



I find the concept of doing that bolded bit with a woman who's got 3 children elementary age (and possibly under), in a marriage that has apparently gone through its share of struggles, to be idiotic.

As a new person to this lifestyle I have a question with regard to the first part of your answer. When in a D/S relationship,isnt it the Doms happiness and pleasure that would make the sub happy? This is only a question I apologize if it sounds ignorant. I am not agreeing or disagreeing.

 

[CutieMouse]

As a new person to this lifestyle I have a question with regard to the first part of your answer. When in a D/S relationship,isnt it the Doms happiness and pleasure that would make the sub happy? This is only a question I apologize if it sounds ignorant. I am not agreeing or disagreeing.

People are complex; therefore, I personally don't believe the mindset of "his pleasure=my pleasure" is 100% sustainable. It's easier to accomplish when both parties have similar goals in mind and have invested the time/energy to ensure compatibility, but far too often (IMO), people hide behind the theory that the Top/Dominant/Master's happiness is all that counts/should be enough to sustain the bottom/submissive/slave, which creates a dynamic ripe for selfishness and being taken advantage of.

IMO its far healthier to think of things as "win/win", rather than "his happiness=my happiness". I don't clean J's house because it makes him happy (although it does); I do it because it is fulfilling to me and makes me happy- he just happens to enjoy it, as well. Win/win. Make sense?

 

[Pandorica]

In my view, Jax made the choice to get married and to have kids. That means that it's the children in this dynamic whose needs should be paramount at all times. Kids' needs are usually best served by having a happy mother.

If that doesn't give him the motivation required to compromise and make it his business to find out how best his wife can be supported and satisfied in her maternal role, he's not half the alpha he thinks he is.

I'd also hazard a guess that when Mrs Mom isn't chasing her own backside to run a house and keep her kids clothed, fed and schooled, she'll be more receptive to dominant overtones from her husband. Jax may feel he has the right to pout but the fastest way to getting his cock sucked with epic zeal is undoubtedly to focus on how he can support his wife rather than how she's failing him as a sub.

Do some laundry, give the woman a night off, run her a bath, pour her some wine and I'll be very surprised if she doesn't rip your pants off.