Library Stalker annoyance

[curiousjen]

OK, given you say he has a history of snooping where you are concerned, and he also cannot keep secrets or things to himself, this is more serious than just being upsetting you a little. Perhaps it is a weakness of his, but there is a pattern where you are concerned and sometimes these things can lead to fairly unpleasant places, even dangerous. All that being said, there is no guarantee speaking to him will change anything, perhaps given his history it could make him worse and make it more irresistible to mention your reading history to others and thus extending the problem and people who may have difficult questions given you wish to keep your activities and choices private.

Indeed. I have painted quite a negative picture of D here today because I am so angry. He has been a very good friend of mine for many years, and has really been there for me in the past when the shit has hit the fan. There are a lot of good things about this man, but yes, I think that I have to face up to the fact that there is a pattern here and something has got to be done to stop it lest it lead to more sinister things.

There may be another solution though. Why not begin borrowing some books on other topics he might be fascinated to notice, but that have no relevance to your life.....if obvious they are no way something that could be related to your life, even better. <snip>

This really made me smile. What a clever idea. I never would have thought of it. It may not be the whole solution (I really think me and O are going to have to mention the privacy thing again, and just explain that its out of order and we expect whatever he saw to remain confidential or we will take further action) but in addition I could do the crazy books idea so in time, (if he ever does it again which he probably might do) he will forget about the D/s stuff anyway.


I'd like to thank everyone for lots of help and support on this. It has helped get me through a stressful day.

 

[TaintedB]

No advice to give, it's all been said. I would have been pissed too, but I'm good at mental misdirection and would have had his head spinning and the kink forgotten in no time.

Please let us know the outcome of this, Jen!

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Report him, and talk to a lawyer about lawsuit options.

This guy needs to be punished. I think you should sue the library, too.

Based on what? i can empathize with jen for the embarrassment factor, but going to a public venue has exposure simply because it's a public venue. He's an employee of the library and has access to browsing history records. i could understand termination if he tried to blackmail her, but he said something to her about her browsing habits. Slap him in the face for being such a boor. The courts, however, have better things to do with their time than placate yet another "my feelings are hurt and i need a 50K dollar bandaid to fix it." If the opposite had any weight, Laurel and Manu would have shut Lit down long ago. http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/rolleyes.gif

 

[shy slave]

I am now curious about the library Code of Conduct or Vision Statement (if there is one), and how they view the issue of privacy. The local council would have a copy.

Or of course you could ask in the library

UK does not really have 'sue your ass' culture yet.

I still vote for nailing his balls to the wall, after all his family still want his paycheck, its not their fault he is a moron.

 

[jasonlf]

Based on what? i can empathize with jen for the embarrassment factor, but going to a public venue has exposure simply because it's a public venue. He's an employee of the library and has access to browsing history records. i could understand termination if he tried to blackmail her, but he said something to her about her browsing habits. Slap him in the face for being such a boor. The courts, however, have better things to do with their time than placate yet another "my feelings are hurt and i need a 50K dollar bandaid to fix it." If the opposite had any weight, Laurel and Manu would have shut Lit down long ago. http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/rolleyes.gif

Violation of a reasonable right to privacy .

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Violation of a reasonable right to privacy .

You'll have to do a lot better than that in a court room. Best of luck.

 

[Marquis]

Yeah, I don't think it's a huge deal honestly.

He didn't know you were going to be a pervert when he looked up your books.

 

[rosco rathbone]

You got nothin'.

Still sucks though.

 

[Guest]

Ahhhh Much ado about very little.....

If it really bothers you..then yes..Report his actions to the management of the library...Not for a lot of the reasons stated above...
But because he went and looked at your records, BECAUSE they were your records...
You will probably find that this is a disciplinary offense...
But on the flip side.
If this incident, and the possible consequences, disturb you..
Having a borrowing history of the type you describe. At a friggin public library.. Might not be the best damned idea in the world...
It COULD come back and bite you in the ass...
As for his wife...*shrug* He'll have enough problems explaining why he got fired..
Which will probably remain about as secret as your borrowing history will...

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I'm too tired to read all the replys, I'll look at it tomorrow. But . . . I worked at the library for two summers, and I can tell you this. What he did is against the law, and it is against library policies. If you want you can sue, but that might get all this in the papers, which would screw with your privacy. I would get him fired. Or at the very least, point out you could get him fired, and make him sweat it out. And I would also cut off this relationship. I can't think of any reason a married man would be being that nosy about a female friend that isn't suspicous.

 

[chris9]

I also think it's a bit cowardly to complain to his wife, especially because then SHE'LL be embarrassed that her husband was checking out your sexual proclivities. It's best if you remind your friend of the policy above and ask him not to read your borrowing history in the future. Don't mention the subject material unless he does, and in that case make it clear that your kink is not up for discussion.

It might be cowardly, on the other hand, if my husband told me "hey, your best friend keeps reading books on whatever kink that's out of my life" I would like her to talk to me about it, not leave me out. Because as my best friend I am interested in what interests her. Even if it's only saying that it's her private life and she might talk to me about it when she feels she's ready.

I don't think you need to worry about embarrassing her about her husband "checking out your sexual proclivities" as that wasn't on his mind when doing it. If there weren't this history of nosing in your life, he might just have done it to find out what kind of books you like to read or have read already in order to choose something you will enjoy as a birthday gift or something. At least that would be a reason why I might check on another's personal info, even though I know it's wrong.

 

[shy slave]

I can't think of any reason a married man would be being that nosy about a female friend that isn't suspicous.

I hadn't thought of that.

Your a bright woman Gracie (but suspicous)

 

[Betticus]

It is a personal envasion and it does strain the trust in the friendship. That sucks but it's in the past now.

I think that what you need to know as a friend is what was his intent when he looked up your book browsing history. Was he in there as a friend thinking that he could recommend further research material for you and just happened to discover something he shouldn't know about you? Was he being an asshole and invading your privacy just because he could?

Perhaps he has some bdsm leanings and was seeing if you are open to discussion?

Regardless, you should have a talk with him about how you feel about having your privacy and trust betrayed by a good friend. All relationships are about communication, even friendships.

If you were my sub though I would take care of this matter for you.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Perhaps he has some bdsm leanings and was seeing if you are open to discussion?

Aha! why didn't I think of that? The ol' "Creep Approach"!

 

[graceanne]

I hadn't thought of that.

Your a bright woman Gracie (but suspicous)

Yeah. K says I'm a cynic. I say that's 'cynic' is what optomists call you when you're being realistic.

 

[DVS]

I think he was just being nosey. Not maliciously, just curious. He's a terribly insecure guy and constantly compares himself with others. Sometimes that leads to him invading their privacy, unfortunatly.




You've been more than helpful, all of you have. Thankyou. I hope that what you say is right. I don't like to think of him as malicious.

Maybe he's not being malicious, but naive? What if he happens to say the wrong thing to someone and outs you? Sure, he wouldn't mean to, but does he know the consequences of saying some things about some people to others?

He shouldln't be in the position he's in, if he gets so bored he starts checkiing out people's private habits. Not private, you say? Hasn't this bothered you to the point you now worry about even checking out another book? Librarians are just like your pharmacist, a hooker and your doctor. What private information they know about you, because of their job, should remaiin private. If he wants to investigate library patron's habits, he should either seek another profession or at least keep what he find to himself.

You shouldn't thnk of what you would do in his position, and give him the benefit of that thought, because you are not in his position. And, would you walk up to him and tell him what you found out about his personal habits, if you knew? We're talking about sexual privacy here. And, it's YOUR sexual privacy he would be outing.

I think he was at least rude even telling you he knows what you have been checking out. And, in front of others? Talk about a possible social nightmare! I'd be conderned about what he might say to others. No, not maliciously, but it would still be the same result, said to the wrong person. You should talk to someone, be it him or his wife, both, or library authorities.

I'd maybe first go to him. Feel him out as to just what he knows, and if he knows the consequences of what he might say to others. Tell him you might need to speak with his wife. If you know her better, maybe she would be the first to speak with. That's your call. But, if he just doesn't get it, you still need to make sure your privacy is secured.

THen, you need to think about the future. No matter what is decided, will he stop doing what he's doing? Will he actually understand the ethics involved and keep his mouth shut with what he does know? Will you lose his wife as a firend over this, becuse of his lack of self control? Sometimes people just don't think any further than the distance their nose goes out in front of them.