Library Stalker annoyance

[curiousjen]

I am really pissed off right now and need some advice.

I am poor. Very poor. But I'm used to that, it doesn't bother me too much. But because I'm poor I have to get all my books Cd's Videos etc from the local library. Its really very good and I have borrowed a selection of kinky titles including the story of O, the ethical slut, screw the roses and send me the thorns, the bottoming book, secretary, different loving: a handbook of domination and submission and things of a similar ilk. Sometimes its embarrassing asking for them, but in the name of information I have always forced myself to overcome any embarrassment and just go ahead and ask for whatever I'm into, because information is power etc. And hell, there's nothing wrong with it.

However one of my friends works for the library. (I think you'll see where I am going with this) I must stress that I am not such a dumb ass, he does work for a totally different branch in a different area, and it never crossed my mind that this situation would occur.

Anyway, we went to his house last night and during the conversation which was otherwise OK he casually mentioned that he had been trawling through my borrowing history on the library system, and had found it "very interesting"

I was like

and WTF???

But that was all in my head, outwardly I just said "thats nice" and moved the conversation along, not exactly because I'm unassertive but because I didn't want to go into details about what exactly he found interesting (no prizes for guessing though) in front of the other people who were there. I thought that would be terrible. Nobody I know has any idea of our kinkiness, and I'd like it to stay that way thank you very much. There very well may come a time when me and O talk about all this to our friends and family but the time is not now, and it certainly shouldn't be discovered by some nosy arsed library assistant and so called friend poking around with what doesn't concern them.

So I am pissed off and confused on many levels and I don't know what to do in terms of our friendship, and in terms of what I should or shouldn't disclose to him. I also am pissed off because I feel totally censored in what I can get out from the library in the future. I have considered reporting him to the library authorities but I just couldn't do that especially as I have no proof and besides which his wife is one of my dearest friends and I couldn't lose her friendship. He is also a dear (if difficult) friend, although he doesn't feel much like it now.

What I really want to know is "am I over reacting?" and if you want to chime in with a what you would do, that would also be great. I am a little hypomanic right now and its hard to keep things in perspective, but thats another story.

Thanks for listening to me rant.

Any advice appreciated.

Jen x

 

[catalina_francisco]

I feel for you. In essence it is a huge invasion of your privacy, and unprofessional of him to have done it, more so to have commented to you about it, even more so in front of other people. It is tempting to report him, even without the proof (though I'm sure there is a way of checking), but then there is no guarantee they would do more than talk to him and possibly warn him in case of future instances of the same behaviour being discovered..chances are that would do little to stop him if he thinks he is onto somehting extremely interesting, and could make life uncomfortable for you.

I think you definately need to talk to him, or his wife perhaps, about this and try and find out why he did it in the first place, and why he made the comment he did. It could be he shares the interest and was surprised to find you reading such material..and thus thought it might be something you had in common that you all didn't realise. Or perhaps he fels it gives him an opportunity to have someone experienced or knowledgeable answer some questions he has had but not known anyone he could discuss it with. Or more sinister is his seeing this as something he can hold over you or use to his advantage in some way. Hopefuly that is not it and he was just mildly curious and more surprised to find you weren't reading the soppy romance novels he might have pictured women reading. Either way you cannot let it ruin your library visits and borrowing (wish I had the same opportunity here ), and must find someway to have your fears addreessed and hopefully a peaceful and comfortable solution. I hope it works out positively for you.

Catalina

 

[serijules]

You are not over-reacting, that's for sure....I would have had his ass fired. I'm big on privacy, and have zero tolerance for people that can't respect it.

I don't have any advice on how to handle it though...that's a toughie.

 

[Neomagalie]

...........

 

[curiousjen]

I feel for you. In essence it is a huge invasion of your privacy, and unprofessional of him to have done it, more so to have commented to you about it, even more so in front of other people. It is tempting to report him, even without the proof <snip>

Yes it is very very tempting. But to his credit he respected my wishes when I (very delibratly) moved the conversation onwards. Also, I don't actually think he's done much technically wrong. Knowing D he would find a way to justify himself somehow. The other thing I keep asking myself and trying to be honest about is wouldn't I have done the same thing. The library is quiet, the job is boring, why not nosey at all your university friend? I would like to think I wouldn't have done it, but I have a nosey streak. I'm a big fan of Judge not less ye be judged and if theres a chance i would do the same I probably shouldn't report him, should I?

I think you definately need to talk to him, or his wife perhaps, about this and try and find out why he did it in the first place, and why he made the comment he did. It could be he shares the interest and was surprised to find you reading such material..and thus thought it might be something you had in common that you all didn't realise.

I am scared to talk to him directly, but his wife is much more approachable. I doubt we share a secret interest (the man wears his sexual heart on his sleeve, I think he almost pathologically can't keep a secret.) Maybe talking is the way forward though, I just have to calm down first

 

[shy slave]

I would be flaming mad.

Really furious at such an invasion of privacy.

I can feel my blood pressure rising just reading and re-reading your post.

I can understand your dilemma between doing something in terms of dealing with it through official channels and your friendship with his wife.

Not the most useful advice but I would send him some cbt pics and some of those saline pics that Tainted posted to give him an idea of what you will do if he ever pulls a stunt like that again.

Or I would find and hammer and six" nails and nail his balls to the wall!

Hmmm perhaps you had better re-read Catalinas & Neomagalie posts for a proper way to move on this.

Serijules ~ your too nice, having him fired would NOT be enough!

 

[Neomagalie]

...............

 

[curiousjen]

You are not over-reacting, that's for sure....I would have had his ass fired. I'm big on privacy, and have zero tolerance for people that can't respect it.

I don't have any advice on how to handle it though...that's a toughie.

Thanks, its good to know I'm not over reacting. I have had to put on classical music to calm myself! One of the things I am used to with my husband is that we both take each others privacy very seriously, and if he can respect it, well then certianly people who have less "right" to the information should certianly follow suit. This is just another in a long list, thats what makes it worse, when we were living together he used to sit outside my door and listen to my phone calls and once he even read my psychatric questionnaire without asking. I thought when we didn't live together any more it would stop.

grrrrrrrrrr.

 

[jasonlf]

Report him, and talk to a lawyer about lawsuit options.

This guy needs to be punished. I think you should sue the library, too.

 

[curiousjen]

It depends so much on his character, maybe he is interested in the same, maybe he just thought it was funny to bring it up, just being a clueless ass.

I think he was just being nosey. Not maliciously, just curious. He's a terribly insecure guy and constantly compares himself with others. Sometimes that leads to him invading their privacy, unfortunatly.

Sorry I can’t be more helpfulIf he is so forward with what he his and that can't keep a secret, in a way I think I woul be less worried. Maybe he just got bored, found that, did find it interesting and could not keep it for himself. Nothing more. Sometimes we say things without thinking that others are more private than ourselves.

You've been more than helpful, all of you have. Thankyou. I hope that what you say is right. I don't like to think of him as malicious.

 

[curiousjen]

I would be flaming mad.
Not the most useful advice but I would send him some cbt pics and some of those saline pics that Tainted posted to give him an idea of what you will do if he ever pulls a stunt like that again.

Or I would find and hammer and six" nails and nail his balls to the wall!

ROFL!!!!!!!!! Thats the funniest idea!!!! I could send him an email with the title "If you found my borrowing history interesting, I thought this would be up your street" or something and send him the most horrific cbt pic I can find.

*rubs hands together with glee*

 

[curiousjen]

One of the things I thought I would do maybe would be to lie my arse off and say I needed all those books for a story I was writing on BDSM. He knows I write erotica, and tend to do a lot of research before I do a piece, so its a plausable excuse.

I just am a terrible lier.

I would go bright red when I said it.

And part of me thinks "why should I lie?" but I also hate the idea that he's thinking what he's thinking (and maybe spreading it about) and maybe this would be a way to draw a line under it all and stop the rumours.

Not terribly noble or assertive I know, but hey, it would bring resolution.

 

[rosco rathbone]

There's probably nothing you can do about it besides play it off; but I'd be aggravated.

 

[WriterDom]

Scare him. Call him up late at night and tell him you've hired a lawyer for this privacy invasion. Hang up, and let him sleep on it.

 

[chris9]

I would at least talk to his wife about it. This will be better for your friendship than leaving her to wonder as her husband might have told her about the books you read. Maybe you could also just tell him that what your reading is only your business and that you are disappointed to find he spyed on you (some guilt trip). Though I don't think I would have enough courage for this...

I forgot: Sueing him won't work because you don't have any proof.

 

[Kariszma83]

I work in a libarary as well, and while it is very easy to get into patron accounts and borrowing histories, it is an invasion of privacy to do so unless he was checking out a book, placing a hold, card maitenance or writing up fines for overdues. If someone had seen him doing this, he would have been fired on the spot. I've seen it happen. If you're not that upset about it, and he's let it go, like you said, than ok. If you are still mad, you could go to his branch and just inform his manager that you believe he's been hacking into accounts, and they'll watch him. Good luck with this, I know how embarassing it can be checking out that stuff, but I'm in the same boat as you.

 

[curiousjen]

Scare him. Call him up late at night and tell him you've hired a lawyer for this privacy invasion. Hang up, and let him sleep on it.

Tempting, very tempting

 

[curiousjen]

I would at least talk to his wife about it. This will be better for your friendship than leaving her to wonder as her husband might have told her about the books you read. Maybe you could also just tell him that what your reading is only your business and that you are disappointed to find he spyed on you (some guilt trip). Though I don't think I would have enough courage for this...

I forgot: Sueing him won't work because you don't have any proof.

Yes I think talking to his wife is the best option. She is used to people coming to her with complaints about him this won't be any different and I'm sure she'll take it in her stride. Then I'm sure once she's talked to him about it, and how disappointed I am he'll come and apologise.

He better do, anyway.

 

[curiousjen]

I work in a libarary as well, and while it is very easy to get into patron accounts and borrowing histories, it is an invasion of privacy to do so unless he was checking out a book, placing a hold, card maitenance or writing up fines for overdues. If someone had seen him doing this, he would have been fired on the spot. I've seen it happen. If you're not that upset about it, and he's let it go, like you said, than ok. If you are still mad, you could go to his branch and just inform his manager that you believe he's been hacking into accounts, and they'll watch him. Good luck with this, I know how embarassing it can be checking out that stuff, but I'm in the same boat as you.

This is VERY interesting information. Thanks. I don't think I will report him, but if he does get on his high horse when his wife confronts him then i can shoot him down with this.

 

[Queen Bee]

Sorry you're embarrassed, jen, but I think it's a mistake to believe that your library records are private, ALA Privacy Policy notwithstanding.

I also think it's a bit cowardly to complain to his wife, especially because then SHE'LL be embarrassed that her husband was checking out your sexual proclivities. It's best if you remind your friend of the policy above and ask him not to read your borrowing history in the future. Don't mention the subject material unless he does, and in that case make it clear that your kink is not up for discussion.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sorry you're embarrassed, jen, but I think it's a mistake to believe that your library records are private, ALA Privacy Policy notwithstanding.

I also think it's a bit cowardly to complain to his wife, especially because then SHE'LL be embarrassed that her husband was checking out your sexual proclivities. It's best if you remind your friend of the policy above and ask him not to read your borrowing history in the future. Don't mention the subject material unless he does, and in that case make it clear that your kink is not up for discussion.

^^^Shop Steward of Lady Stalkers Local 151.

 

[curiousjen]

Sorry you're embarrassed, jen, but I think it's a mistake to believe that your library records are private

Thanks for the link, thats helpful information even if it is for American libraries (I'm in the UK) but I imagine we have similar policies over here. I've heard mixed responses in this thread, but I imagine if I actually went to the library and made the allegation that he had been browsing my records for fun because he was "bored" rather than any legitimate inquiry then (if they believed me) that would be disapproved of greatly by the management and could get him into serious trouble. In a lot of ways, though, its not about privacy, its about betrayal. I trust my friends not to do that kind of shit (it really wouldn't matter too much to me if he was a stranger) and time and time again he has let his curiosity get the better of him and has seriously overstepped some boundaries. I HAVE talked directly to him about these privacy invasions in the past, but to no avail, it seems. Whether he was technically "allowed to" or not, is missing the point. I don't snooping and spying is what friends should do to each other.

I also think it's a bit cowardly to complain to his wife, especially because then SHE'LL be embarrassed that her husband was checking out your sexual proclivities. It's best if you remind your friend of the policy above and ask him not to read your borrowing history in the future. Don't mention the subject material unless he does, and in that case make it clear that your kink is not up for discussion.

Here you may have a point. Maybe involving his wife is a bit cowardly. He is just a very difficult man, and she has a way of talking to him frankly about difficult things that I have never managed. I will think about this some more before I make my mind up, thank you for your honesty.

 

[Queen Bee]

Oops, I should've noticed you were in the UK. It is awkward if he's a chronic nosybody and you can't drop him without hurting his wife. Ack.

Lady stalker indeed, RR.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Lady stalker indeed, RR.

It's good to see you, flea bee.

 

[catalina_francisco]

OK, given you say he has a history of snooping where you are concerned, and he also cannot keep secrets or things to himself, this is more serious than just being upsetting you a little. Perhaps it is a weakness of his, but there is a pattern where you are concerned and sometimes these things can lead to fairly unpleasant places, even dangerous. All that being said, there is no guarantee speaking to him will change anything, perhaps given his history it could make him worse and make it more irresistable to mention your reading history to others and thus extending the problem and people who may have difficult questions given you wish to keep your activites and choices private.

There may be another solution though. Why not begin borrowing some books on other topics he might be fascinated to notice, but that have no relevance to your life.....if obvious they are no way something that could be related to your life, even better. Perhaps some books on multiple births (lol, unless you have had quads!!), space travel, pirates - both old and modern day, homosexuality, bisexual politics, terminal illness, poisoning, famous murders, forensics, psychopaths, serial killers, anthropology, building boats or stone houses, transgenderism, truckdriving as a career....in other words confuse the hell out of him and perhaps mention offhandedly how much fun you have delving into topics far removed from your normal suburban existence and how handy it might come to your writing at some point or another. Should at the very least give him lots more to think about and set his brain so far into overload he will not want to try and put it all together anymore.

Catalina