Let's Talk About... Nice Guy Syndrome

[Wild_Honey_66]

How do you define 'nice guy'? Do you see that label as a compliment or more of an insult?

Why do you think 'nice guys' get a bad rap? Do they deserve it?

What do you think sets the nice guys who are successful in their relationships apart from the nice guys who struggle to make lasting connections?

What do you think is the difference between a 'nice guy' and a 'good guy,' if any?

For gentlemen: Are you, or have you ever been a 'nice guy'? What was your experience?

For ladies: Have you ever known or dated a nice guy? What was that like?

 

[BadAmy]

I find most men to be "nice guys" in regards to their character, mannerisms, and general demeanor. I also know the stigma that this phrase carries. Not necessarily a bad rap, but an stigma...

I think all the guys I have dated were nice. Until they weren't.
Some were deliciously, un-nice.

Am I the only one who likes a good guy who has a bad side?

Okay...enough dribble.

 

[Stereomono17]

I find most men to be "nice guys" in regards to their character, mannerisms, and general demeanor. I also know the stigma that this phrase carries. Not necessarily a bad rap, but an stigma...

I think all the guys I have dated were nice. Until they weren't.
Some were deliciously, un-nice.

Am I the only one who likes a good guy who has a bad side?

Okay...enough dribble.

Marry me.

 

[BadAmy]

Marry me.

Oh hush...
*giggle*

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Stigma, yes. That's a better way of putting it.


Amy said:

I think all the guys I have dated were nice. Until they weren't.

Do they still qualify as legit nice guys?

 

[tallladiesman]

The problem with being a "nice guy" is that it's dangerously close to the friend zone
A nice guy will listen to your problems
Consider your opinion
Treat you with respect
Some women like that
That's why nice guys are normally married family men
And some women like to be treated rough
Treat them mean keep them keen, etc
That's where " nice guys" fall down
Such is life
Different strokes for different folks

 

[Stereomono17]

Oh hush...
*giggle*

Its a thing i struggle with and your response is exactly what i wish most girls in my world felt.

 

[RoyceConnors]

Seeing as I started this....

A nice guy is a guy who has nothing wrong with him per se, but he lacks sexual appeal for one reason or another. He's the friend with no benefits, or the un-fuckbuddy.

 

[Stereomono17]

Seeing as I started this....

A nice guy is a guy who has nothing wrong with him per se, but he lacks sexual appeal for one reason or another. He's the friend with no benefits, or the un-fuckbuddy.

I havea a friend like this actually. The feedback i've gotten about him through girls he's gone on dates with is "he never makes a move"

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Why do you think 'nice guys' get a bad rap? Do they deserve it?

What do you think sets the nice guys who are successful in their relationships apart from the nice guys who struggle to make lasting connections?

What do you think is the difference between a 'nice guy' and a 'good guy,' if any?

For gentlemen: Are you, or have you ever been a 'nice guy'? What was your experience?

For ladies: Have you ever known or dated a nice guy? What was that like?

— I think that it’s like that old saying; if one person calls you a horse, they’re probably crazy but if three people call you a horse, saddle up. If lots of people are describing him as a “nice guy” then maybe the label is deserved. And if he’s called “nice” because the guy lacks backbone or tends to get friend-zoned, rather than a reference to his work with the homeless and orphans, then yeah: it’s a bad rap.

— I think that guys who are nice (I wouldn’t lump them with “nice guys”) that are successful in relationships know how to read people. They know when to cowboy up, when to daddy up and when to just relax. I think that “nice guys” suffer because they’re unwilling to step out of their own comfort zone in relationships. I think they struggle to make/keep connections because they expect that the other person (or, people) in the relationship should always compromise for them because they’re a “nice guy”

— I’m from a part of the world where a “good guy” has connections.

— I’ve known “nice guys.” Even as friends, we’re oil and water. I’d never date or marry one. But I’m married to a stand up guy.

 

[Lord Pmann]

My ears are burning...

 

[BadAmy]

Stigma, yes. That's a better way of putting it.


Amy said:


Do they still qualify as legit nice guys?

Yes. I think so. Then again I try to find the nice in everyone i meet.

But upon further reading above...i.e. Tallladiesman....i see the stigma equated with "friendzone"
*shudder*

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The men of my acquaintance who suffer from nice guy syndrome all seem to have esteem issues, and a lack of self awareness about (or inability/unwillingness to change) the qualities or behaviors that make them unappealing.

Lack of initiative would def fall into that category.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Nice guy syndrome is closely related to the friend zone. Girls want a guy who can take charge, make decisions, etc. “Nice guys” (as we think of them) usually don’t have that personality.

I see it here on Lit a lot. There are the guys who do the “woe is me” or the “I’m here for you should you need anything” schtick to every damned girl around. There like to self deprecate and be super sad and post things like, “I’ll just go to make it easier on you if I wasn’t around”. That’s the extreme end.

The other, more subtle nice guy is one who is genuine, but more like a friend. You don’t see him as the guy who is going to throw you against a wall and kiss you or get shit done. It’s a confidence thing.

 

[The_Hype]

— I think that it’s like that old saying; if one person calls you a horse, they’re probably crazy but if three people call you a horse, saddle up. If lots of people are describing him as a “nice guy” then maybe the label is deserved. And if he’s called “nice” because the guy lacks backbone or tends to get friend-zoned, rather than a reference to his work with the homeless and orphans, then yeah: it’s a bad rap.

— I think that guys who are nice (I wouldn’t lump them with “nice guys”) that are successful in relationships know how to read people. They know when to cowboy up, when to daddy up and when to just relax. I think that “nice guys” suffer because they’re unwilling to step out of their own comfort zone in relationships. I think they struggle to make/keep connections because they expect that the other person (or, people) in the relationship should always compromise for them because they’re a “nice guy”

— I’m from a part of the world where a “good guy” has connections.

— I’ve known “nice guys.” Even as friends, we’re oil and water. I’d never date or marry one. But I’m married to a stand up guy.

By this description, it's safe to say the stereotypical 'nice guys' are betas. Whereas the guys who are nice (as you stated) are alphas

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

The men of my acquaintance who suffer from nice guy syndrome all seem to have esteem issues, and a lack of self awareness about (or inability/unwillingness to change) the qualities or behaviors that make them unappealing.

Lack of initiative would def fall into that category.

THIS.

I find “nice guys” to be quite a bit passive aggressive about it all too.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Vix - great reply, thank you!

My ears are burning...

Sit down.

Yes. I think so. Then again I try to find the nice in everyone i meet.

But upon further reading above...i.e. Tallladiesman....i see the stigma equated with "friendzone"
*shudder*

You and me both, sister. Although I've missed an awful lot of red flags that way.

 

[BadAmy]

THIS.

I find “nice guys” to be quite a bit passive aggressive about it all too.

This....too.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

By this description, it's safe to say the stereotypical 'nice guys' are betas. Whereas the guys who are nice (as you stated) are alphas

People can be “alphas” in some situations and “betas” in others, based on lots of varying factors arch as their expertise, comfort level, etc. Your take is very different than what I’m describing: a lacking self-awareness, low self-esteem, inability to read other people and/or expecting other people to always accommodate the “nice guys’” level of personal comfort.

 

[The_Hype]

People can be “alphas” in some situations and “betas” in others, based on lots of varying factors arch as their expertise, comfort level, etc. Your take is very different than what I’m describing: a lacking self-awareness, low self-esteem, inability to read other people and/or expecting other people to always accommodate the “nice guys’” level of personal comfort.

sorry, that became more clear after my post

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Nice guy syndrome is closely related to the friend zone. Girls want a guy who can take charge, make decisions, etc. “Nice guys” (as we think of them) usually don’t have that personality.

I see it here on Lit a lot. There are the guys who do the “woe is me” or the “I’m here for you should you need anything” schtick to every damned girl around. There like to self deprecate and be super sad and post things like, “I’ll just go to make it easier on you if I wasn’t around”. That’s the extreme end.

The other, more subtle nice guy is one who is genuine, but more like a friend. You don’t see him as the guy who is going to throw you against a wall and kiss you or get shit done. It’s a confidence thing.

Yes. All of it.

By this description, it's safe to say the stereotypical 'nice guys' are betas. Whereas the guys who are nice (as you stated) are alphas

I disagree. Alphas can be arseholes, and non-alphas can be genuinely good partners. It's more complicated than just Alpha/beta.

With regards to sex, a man doesn't have to be an alpha male to shove me up against a wall and squeeze my neck while he stares me down any more than I have to be an alpha female to grab a man by his hair, spit in his face, and tell him to get on his knees. The two are unrelated.

 

[The_Hype]

Yes. All of it.



I disagree. Alphas can be arseholes, and non-alphas can be genuinely good partners. It's more complicated than just Alpha/beta.

With regards to sex, a man doesn't have to be an alpha male to shove me up against a wall and squeeze my neck while he stares me down any more than I have to be an alpha female to grab a man by his hair, spit in his face, and tell him to get on his knees. The two are unrelated.

Please... go on!

 

[LostGirlTink]

I hate all of this nonsense.
I think pretty much all of this is bullshit in one way or another.
All of it.
Stereotypical nonsense, twists on gender roles, an inability to own ones own character... ugh.
I’m going to wrap my head around what I want to say and a lot of it is probably going to be unpopular but yeah.
It’s all bullshit

 

[BadAmy]

I hate all of this nonsense.
I think pretty much all of this is bullshit in one way or another.
All of it.
Stereotypical nonsense, twists on gender roles, an inability to own ones own character... ugh.
I’m going to wrap my head around what I want to say and a lot of it is probably going to be unpopular but yeah.
It’s all bullshit

Dont make me cry. J.k.

 

[Gelista]

I think people get called ‘he’s a nice guy’ as its less rude than saying ‘He’s shy, he diesnt make a move, hes not that interesting, a bit weak willed and im not attracted to him’. Its nicer (pardon the pun) to say he’s nice.

A good guy is a different kettle of fish. A good guy is someone who is nice but has a better personality, is also helpful but not weak willed, good sense of humour rtc.

Thats my read on it.

You dont want to be the nice guy. You do want to be the good guy.