Let's Play... Fix My Sentence/Paragraph

[driphoney]

Okay, first off, all snickering must be done with hands firmly covering mouth and not here further shaming me! I know I have a mess. I don't know how to operate all the bells and whistles here, so I'll do what I can to make myself clear.

This soldier broke up with his girl before going off to fight the good fight. He's back. He's justifiably shocked and amazed that she's right there in his apartment when he gets back. (I'm not helping the mood with this thing, am I?) So, unless it isn't clear by my botched attempt, I'm trying to get across the contrast of the harsh world he just came from and the ... umm (see? this is my problem) innocense? cleanness? freshness? of her. This is a little bit of what she brings to him, what pulls him to her anyway. Or that is my desired attempt. I cannot make this paragraph and ending sentence get it done. I have put *s by what I feel are my biggest word choice issues, but the whole thing doesn't roll, IMO. Here goes:

"Her hair was longer, down to her shoulders, and she was wearing a short pink sundress. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever set eyes on. He wanted to touch her, run his hand down her tan arm, make sure it wasn’t a dream. He wanted to hold her, tell her how much she meant to him. Stepping slowly forward he reached out and saw the contrast of his grubby hand next to her *fresh cleanliness*, dirt and grime from loading the cargo plane having been stuck on for days and found himself unable to soil the* pretty package* that lay before him, so fresh, clean, bright. "

Thanks.

dh

 

[wildehafer]

Without re-writing the whole thing, which I think is a pretty good effort I'd try the following words in place of where you have the * marked:

"Her hair was longer, down to her shoulders, and she was wearing a short pink sundress. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever set eyes on. He wanted to touch her, run his hand down her tan arm, make sure it wasn’t a dream. He wanted to hold her, tell her how much she meant to him. Stepping slowly forward he reached out and saw the contrast of his grubby hand next to her *satin skin*, dirt and grime from loading the cargo plane having been stuck on for days and found himself unable to soil the *radiant beauty * that lay before him, so fresh, clean, bright. "


The "satin skin" evokes silky smoothness and we normally associate satin with cleanliness apart from the texture mentioned.

The "radiant beauty" highlights the contrast between his grubbiness and her "radiance" (as in clean, shining) and helps to build her image as almost a vision (of beauty) compared to what he has been exposed to coming from the war.

Hope this helps a bit

 

[driphoney]

Without re-writing the whole thing, which I think is a pretty good effort I'd try the following words in place of where you have the * marked

lol. So, you think it would take a pretty good effort to re-write it? Yup.

Thanks so much. I asked where to post this question and was told here would be good, but I feared the thread was going to sink to the basement soon without a response! I think my silly title has harmed my efforts.

You're choices were excellent! It's exactly where I was trying to go and my ol' thesaurus wasn't helping as I guess I was having a hard time picking the right starter word. I would normallly back off of the word 'radiant' in this story, but in this scene, it's perfect. The more I look it it, the less I like 'grubby' too, maybe I'll stick with tried and true 'dirty'.

dh

 

[fieryjen]

lol. So, you think it would take a pretty good effort to re-write it? Yup.

Thanks so much. I asked where to post this question and was told here would be good, but I feared the thread was going to sink to the basement soon without a response! I think my silly title has harmed my efforts.

You're choices were excellent! It's exactly where I was trying to go and my ol' thesaurus wasn't helping as I guess I was having a hard time picking the right starter word. I would normallly back off of the word 'radiant' in this story, but in this scene, it's perfect. The more I look it it, the less I like 'grubby' too, maybe I'll stick with tried and true 'dirty'.

dh

I tried to come up with something, I swear.

But I'm so blocked right now my mind was absolutely empty.

Very sorry about that.

 

[wildehafer]

lol. So, you think it would take a pretty good effort to re-write it? Yup.
dh

Oops!, my bad.

What I meant to say was that your effort is pretty good (ok, I really do like it ), and since I think that, I chose the easier path to supply replacement phrases rather than resort to a re-write, which it doesn't need because I think the original paragraph is good. Confused yet?

Glad you liked the suggestions!

 

[driphoney]

Completely Clear

And thanks again. You will be seeing me plagarize your words blatantly ... eventually.

This paragraph is attached to a syrupy (I hope!) IR romance, so depending on your tastes, you might or might not ever see them. lol

 

[wildehafer]

With a name like driphoney I should hope the story is syrupy!

I can't get the sexual connotation out of my mind of "driphoney". Evokes some hot images I tell you!

I'll keep an eye on your stuff and have a read of it when it's published.

 

[driphoney]

Awww... shucks

[blushing] Believe me, it might have been more effective than I intended. But maybe this will help. As soon as I saw it as a posting, and too late to do anything about it, I noticed this:

"Dri Phoney"
or, even better
"Dr. I Phoney"

I meant to add to my earlier post that once I saw it with your word choices the whole paragraph worked well. I'm content.

As for how 'hot' the story is ... well, hopefully my moniker doesn't accidentally over-promise!

Here's a tease:

"[He] felt her pelvis move slightly against his hand, as if she needed more and he ran his long middle finger against her slit then pushed it between the folds. He groaned when he felt the wetness burst over his fingers, the inexperienced lips had been holding in the moisture, as if keeping her desire secret, saving her from herself."

[shrug] Dunno.

dh