Let me know what you think:

[E-Nymph]

I just submitted this, i'm curious what you think of it.
thanks for your time. ~E-nymph

- Tattooed on my skin -
in my mind

your fingertips caress my skin

leaving words of desire

tattooed in their wake.


the lusty flush of my skin

a perfect compliment

to the crimson lettering.


damp trails left by my own hands

as I examine

your fantasy derived handiwork.


hips contort as pleasure surges...

with frustrated cries I ache

to be your canvass.

-6/27/02-

 

[WickedEve]

one suggestion:

I think "fantasy derived handiwork" is too much of a mouthful in this poem. I would just use "handiwork." You've already said that it's in your mind, so the reader knows that the "handiwork" is fantasy and not reality. So I don't think it'll hurt to remove "fantasy derived."

"damp trails left by my own hands
as I examine your handiwork."

 

[E-Nymph]

you are right, WickedEve, that does sound better.
thank you for your comments.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Not too bad keep at it. Lines and words to reconsider by that I mean say a different way.

fingertips caress my skin

words of desire

lusty flush

a perfect compliment

crimson

U.P.

 

[E-Nymph]

Thank you U.P.
it's a compliment that you took the time to reply; i've noticed your posts on poetry. you always give great ideas constructively.

i always worry by cutting the lines short that it will lose something in the translation- thanks for showing me that's truly not the case.

 

[christcat69]

Very nice

oooh...tattooed in their wake! great imagery. this I think Judo will like. I loved it.


Silent Predator Infinite Connection

 

[E-Nymph]

wow!

Chriscat69,
i checked out your poetry.
wow! very beautiful. i love the imagery.
esp. silent predator.

thanks for your comments.

i wrote this last night with my mind on someone; so far it's unnamed:

"we dance
between the lines
words caress
desire
tangible
lust
deepens
every breath
music
surges
we touch
between the lines
we dance."
~6/28/02

 

[christcat69]

great poem

Might I suggest a name? I was thinking Symphonic Bliss or Rhythmical Ectasy. What do you think?

 

[E-Nymph]

i like this 'Rhythmical Ectasy'
that makes a great name.
thank you Chriscat.

and thanks for the compliment, i was trying a new form for me- i'm glad it worked.

 

[JUDO]

Re: Very nice

oooh...tattooed in their wake! great imagery. this I think Judo will like. I loved it.


Silent Predator Infinite Connection

I did like it. I think UP has given you some very good suggestions to improve the poem and keep it from being trite or ignored.

Or, were you thinking of my own tattoo poem, CC?

Tattoo You

Render it frightful.
Ever delightful.
Dragons and Ships abound.

Down on my knees.
I'm beggin' you please.
Inked little pin pricks pound.

Drawn 'neath my skin.
It's not a sin.
Pictures of my life crowned.

My lover's new name
Enshrined with some pain
Over my heart, it flies.

Crossed off that lass
Who cast off my ass.
Blot out her name for lies.

Be true to my art
It's part of my heart
Ink's in my blood. It cries.

Devil's on the back of me,
Looking for the good I see.
Angels fight the fears of my mind.

Banners tell the fateful tale
Of my life's ungrateful wail.
Sorrows and my glories enshrined.

Needle's so friendly.
It's visit mends me.
Show off for all to see.

Friends think I'm crazy,
But it's not lazy
To make art of one's body.

Deliver me happy
To those around me.
Tattoo you, then you'll see.

Maybe we should start a tattoo thread. I'll show you mine if you show me yours?


- Judo

 

[E-Nymph]

heh

actual images or the ones others leave on our soul?

i'm up to showing mine.

Lit seems the perfect place of the inner exhibitionist.

thank you Judo.

 

[FriskyVagina]

I just submitted this, i'm curious what you think of it.
thanks for your time. ~E-nymph

- Tattooed on my skin -
in my mind

your fingertips caress my skin

leaving words of desire

tattooed in their wake.


the lusty flush of my skin

a perfect compliment

to the crimson lettering.


damp trails left by my own hands

as I examine

your fantasy derived handiwork.


hips contort as pleasure surges...

with frustrated cries I ache

to be your canvass.

-6/27/02-

Despite the fact that the images aren't very fresh, it still has some potential. I'd stick with the tattoo imagery. Elaborate more on that.

 

[E-Nymph]

Thanks, I'll work more on that.

the feeling is fresh in my head ,if not on my skin.

 

[FriskyVagina]

I've never had a tattoo, but if you know anything about tattooing, and you worked more of those kind of images into the poem, it could turn out quite interesting!

 

[E-Nymph]

i actually have two. slightly painful but worth it.
kinda like love.