Let me know what you think. New stories.

[JohnOne]

As an excuse to get e-mail or feedback on my favorite subject (sex) I thought I would put myself on the line and ask for feedback on a couple of stories I posted. If anything turns you on and gets you hot as you read, let me know what it was and why it gets you hot. I would love to know. I'm thinking about a sequel to "Jenifer's Surprise" but before I tried writing it I thought I would ask for some feedback to see if anyone had suggestions that would make it better.

Jennifer's Surprise is based on one of my own personal fantasies.
Donna's Neighbor was actually written for a friend about herself, but again it incorporated my sexual fantasies.

Jennifer's Surprise (Loving Wives) Author name: JohnOne
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=44662

Donna's Neighbor (Lesbian Sex) Author name: JohnOne
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45222

If you care to e-mail me personally, my e-mail is Lwallac3@aol.com

 

[jon.hayworth]

OK John One, you got my votes and now for my critique.

On a plus side.
- The stories got quickly and seamlessly into their swing.
- They were grammatically good and the spelling great.
- The story line was good and brought to a nice conclusion.

The negative is linked to your intelect and probably the reading you do.

- At times the Sentences and the Paragraphs were far to long - not made for light reading and not easy on the eye when popped up on the screen. Take a look at some airport blockbusters, see how small the sentences are and how short the paragraphs. I have just discovered the work of James Patterson who write sentences much like those used by tabloid journalists. Not the greatest English - he even begins sentences with "And" but it works.

I still thought it was good.

jon

 

[JohnOne]

Thanks for the critique, Jon. I tend to agree with you on the length of the sentences and paragraphs. I know that when I read stories I am looking to get good and horny, not impressed by someone's vocabulary or turn-of-phrase. It's always a struggle to try to keep enough to the point to keep the action moving while at the same time trying not to appear monosyllabic. Long sentences and paragraphs-- in this type of story -- lose my interest quickly too; and I even wondered when I posted the story if that was going to be a distraction. I'll have to work on that for the sequel, if I ever get around to it.