Leave BDSM?

[Croctden]

I had a horrifying thought. What if I met a girl and really fell for her, but she had no interest in subbing? I don't know what I would do.

Has anyone else left the business for love, or the non-union equivalent?

 

[bunny bondage]

*holds arms up crossed in an "X" and makes a buzzer noise*

no way. i won't stay with a man because i fell in love with who he might have been. if we're not compatible, that's just the sad end of that.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I realised the common element which was missing in all my previous relationships was the lack of BDSM interest and their disposition for vanilla. Realising this showed me it was why I had gone through one heartache after another, one relationship after another which no matter how loving and pleasing in the vanilla sense, was leaving me feel a need for more because of the lack of what I needed to be fulfilled and happy.

From that point I made a conscious choice to only date/meet men who were of a similar ilk to me....and it worked. No more anguish, no more intimidation from men who thrive on their own ego, no more lectures on how I feel and how I need to realise how grateful I should be to have someone's interest....just complete honesty, love, and trust with a lot of D/s and pain play thrown in which is all I ever wanted...surely not too much to ask?!!

Catalina

 

[Zaudika]

While it would be something I wouldn't want. I can't say that it wouldn't be a possibility. If the time came in my future that I came across a man that madly adored me, and visa versa, then I'd probably still settle.
Then, I of course also have the idea that I'd be able to convince him to play the Dom role at least sometimes.
In completely truth though,... having a relationship without some constant sustaining of D/s would truely make me feel that something was missing... possibly eventually making me move away.

 

[MissTaken]

Who knows where the heart will lead?

But, will it say there?

I don't know.

I follow my heart and if it took me to a nice vanilla guy, I would give it a try. I can't say I see great chance for success in a nilla relationship, but would not deny myself the opportunity to find love.

 

[s'lara]

Sometimes leaving the business is the right thing to do for someone at that time. huh? That didn't make sense.

Simply, withdrawing from BDSM may suit an individual for a myriad of reasons. If it is right for you to leave and it doesn't hurt anyone else ... i say go for it. Leave on your terms ... not anyone else's.

Alternatively, hold on to your desire and hold out for someone who is willing to accept all aspects of you ... BDSM related or not.

lara

 

[WriterDom]

It would work during the "fuck like a rabbit honeymoon" stage. But what happens when you get past that, and old desires surface that she won't compromise on?

Then we'd get another "I'm married, but my wife/husband" thread.

I think before it progressed to far, I'd have a simple conversation about the kind of things I like without getting too descriptive. Her reaction may surprise you. Or she might just call you a sick pervert.

Thankfully the world is full of sick perverts.

 

[MissTaken]

Oddly enough...

I went on a date with a vanilla gentlman today.

We had a wonderful time and yes, WD, we had a bit of "that" talk.


He actually brought it up by way of making flirtatious comments about spanking and bondage. So, finally, I sat him down and we talked about interests and limits.

I wonder, while I went to this date thinking he was very non BDSM and I left the date knowing he is into kink and perhaps, BDSM, is it likely that I am naturally and perhaps, unconciously drawn to fellow freaksters?

In any event, why think too much about it. We had a wonderful day and will be seeing one another again.

 

[s'lara]

That's great Miss T.

It's refreshing to know that there are pleasant and unexpected surprises behind any appearance.



lara

 

[Croctden]

I dunno

I don't believe you choose who you like. I've never thought, "gee I ought to like that woman." I've been attracted to vanilla women in the past, but nothing incredibly serious. I struggle to think it wise just turn my back on a great woman over one issue. I think I'd just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

[Netzach]

She'd have to be really really cute.

And poly, so I could beat other people.

One out of two isn't bad.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Actually, i DID turn my back on BDSM for close to 3 years ...after having subbie males off and on for 5 years. My children's father was one of the few Dominant people i had ever been involved with who had NO interest in BDSM...either in the bedroom or out of it. He tolerated my needs for close to 5 years before telling me to stop...or leave...so i stopped. We have been broke up for close to 3 years now...and i have made my way back to the scene...a masochistic freak with awful luck when it comes to finding some one to accept me. (male or female)

Would i do it again...it depends..i would definately walk away from it if i found a strong, loving woman, not so sure if i would do it for a guy, though.

lil girl

 

[Pure]

While exclusions of major leanings probably are hard to make work-- e.g. a gay married to straight, I think the general question remains. There may be someone with a 'kink' overlap of only say, 30%. I think it could work, maybe as N said, if the bonds aren't too confining; and a lot depending on tolerance.

There's another wrinkle, not mentioned by Croct or catalina, but hinted at by some others, including Miss T. "Straight' of 'vanilla' are not 'out there'. Even Baptist missionaries have kinks, it's a matter of finding them.

Lastly, a 'domly' relationship might have little to do with sex. The guy simply wants to call the shots, have dinner ready when he gets home, and --maybe--be able to order up a blow job during dessert. In that case the two had better agree, and the 'domly' one needs a traditional or 'subbie' female(male) to say, "yes sir, no sir, three bags full"; and who answers 'how high?" when he)she) says "jump."

J.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Oddly enough...

I went on a date with a vanilla gentlman today.

We had a wonderful time and yes, WD, we had a bit of "that" talk.


He actually brought it up by way of making flirtatious comments about spanking and bondage. So, finally, I sat him down and we talked about interests and limits.

I wonder, while I went to this date thinking he was very non BDSM and I left the date knowing he is into kink and perhaps, BDSM, is it likely that I am naturally and perhaps, unconciously drawn to fellow freaksters?

In any event, why think too much about it. We had a wonderful day and will be seeing one another again.

Quietly applauds from the peanut gallery.

Well done.

Serendipity at it's best.

 

[Arden]

Alternatively, hold on to your desire and hold out for someone who is willing to accept all aspects of you ... BDSM related or not.

lara

This mirrors my thoughts completely. Regardless of the 'type' of relationship, it wouldn't make sense to committ to each other unless the two of you had already explored each others desires and needs, and could accept each other for the persons that you are. (I'm assuming that an intense love, and desire to spend an indefinite period of time with that person already exists)

There are many everyday niceities that can fufill submissive needs, even if not being able to call a vanilla man 'Master'. I think the same level of devotion can still exist, it is only refined -- or redefined to suit that particular relationship. Don't we recreate ourselves, to a small extent, with any new relationship?

Edited for spelling... sheesh.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: I dunno

I don't believe you choose who you like. I've never thought, "gee I ought to like that woman." I've been attracted to vanilla women in the past, but nothing incredibly serious. I struggle to think it wise just turn my back on a great woman over one issue. I think I'd just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

While I agree you don't choose who you like, you do need a clear sense of what you need in any relationship, a knowing yourself well inside and out if you like, to begin the process of eliminating what you don't like or need. In my previous vanilla relationship I had a guy who worshipped the ground I walked on, would do anything for me, loved me in his way, was a lot of fun in many vital ways we both shared, and would have been there 20 years from now trying to fulfil my every need....only problem was he couldn't do that because I had come to the realisation a BDSM relationship was where I needed to be to fulfil my needs and though in most ways he was very dominant, he had no desire to be a Dominant, especially in the area of anything physical, and felt it was sick. To me that was a big area to consider and was a judgement on me and my needs and an expectation I learn to deny to myself and who I was intrinsically.

My solution, especially as I have never been the social butterfly, nor had the time and energy to go on the prowl, was to advertise in the places I knew had a reasonable percentage of the type person I needed to fulfil that need which is the dominant need in my life, equal to love. I thought it fruitless to advertise in a mainstream personals site so to speak hoping I got lucky.....why go to the butcher hoping you might find the vegetables you need to cook dinner? I was not interested in hoping I struck gold in the silver mine so to speak as I have had enough relationships and heartache and emotional/financial pain to last me a lifetime and now just want to use what time I have on this planet wisely and expediently where possible, not playing guessing games.

I met many wonderful men, but as wonderful as they were, and as much as I could likely have had a happy lifetime relationship with some of them, I wanted more than just mediocre and pleasant love match, I wanted the ultimate. To me the realisation BDSM activities and lifestye aspects were one of the necessary mainstays to my life, meant there was no longer any doubt as in 'maybe a vanilla guy can find a way to make me forget my inner yearnings'....been there and well and truly done that with some wonderful partners and was always left feeling there was something I was missing.

Why try and repeat the same mistakes and believe it may work out?...who are you trying to fit in with? yourself, society, a partner even though they are not fulfiling needs for you?...***** is too short to live in denial and come to the unhappy realisation all over again that you are yearning for something the person you are with can't give you...and who am I to equally expect them to become someone they are not to try and please me because apart from that being a dead end mistake many make in trying to change a partner to fit the image they have in their mind they want them to be, it also has a fairly high chance of failing at some point or requiring me to ignore those intuitive aches telling me the person is only doing what they are to please me, not themselves, or leave and begin al over again. I am not into changing people oir giving them more grief in their lives.

So in this way I think it is possible to choose the one you want, or at least narrow the choices down to make deciding that much easier. It may take time as it did for me, and require thinking outside a 20 mile radius of your home, (as mine became a 16000km journey), but if it is love deep and true you want, combined with your other interests, and most importantly you need for BDSM in your life, why convince yourself you can or should settle for less when you have already tried and learned the hard way it was not where you are? To me that denotes someone who still is unsure of what it is they want, or afraid to accept the reality. If it is only a minor need in your life like whether you like chocolte or strawberry icecream, I guess it is possible, but if it is your life, I don't believe in the long term it is.

Guess I am greedy, or maybe interested in conserving energy, but I want one person who has the same or similar goals to me, to whom I can tell anything and not be judged, and with whom I will spend the rest of my life, not just an illicit moment here and there to fulfil a need my SO can't. I have found it is a beautiful place to be which has given me more love, acceptance, and security than I ever imagined one person had a right to expect from another. I had my dream and I made it happen by not settling for substitutes for happiness and fulfilment while denying who I am.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

There's another wrinkle, not mentioned by Croct or catalina, but hinted at by some others, including Miss T. "Straight' of 'vanilla' are not 'out there'. Even Baptist missionaries have kinks, it's a matter of finding them.

Lastly, a 'domly' relationship might have little to do with sex. The guy simply wants to call the shots, have dinner ready when he gets home, and --maybe--be able to order up a blow job during dessert. In that case the two had better agree, and the 'domly' one needs a traditional or 'subbie' female(male) to say, "yes sir, no sir, three bags full"; and who answers 'how high?" when he)she) says "jump."

J.

I agree with your first point, Pure and have previously posted that I dont' believe there is really any such thing as "vanilla" sex as it equates to "boring", or "lacking kink." Everyone has there kinks, even there sexual kink is that they are asexual. (Tossing that in for discussion's sake.)

I also agree on your second point, Pure. However, if someone feels they really need Dominant behavior in the bedroom and are attracted to someone who has no interest in Dominance in the bedroom, the question remains.....do you walk away? Do you discuss it? What to do?

As for the issue of Domliness outside of the bedroom only, I would forewarn anyone who thinks that describes there new friend, be aware that control is one issue, exchanging power and control is another. Pure's description could almost describe an abusive control freak. So, make sure you get something back from said Dom.

Exchange, baby!

 

[Guest]

Then again --- There is always that wonderful circumstance - where you are in a Vanilla relationship for a couple of years.

Married and all that wonderful stuff.

And you are living with that nagging discontent.

And then you discover through a little mild kinkiness, that you are SERIOUSLY inclined to BDsM.

Things tend to go rather rapidly downhill unless you are fortunate enough to accidentally be on the same page with your partner.

That can cause a withdrawal - or can cause you to seek outside - but unless you can reach some agreement - well...........
Your just generally fooked.

EKVITKAR

"Yes, and in twenty minutes it will still be an illusion..........And it won't matter."

 

[catalina_francisco]

As for the issue of Domliness outside of the bedroom only, I would forewarn anyone who thinks that describes there new friend, be aware that control is one issue, exchanging power and control is another. Pure's description could almost describe an abusive control freak. So, make sure you get something back from said Dom.

Exchange, baby!

Have to agree with you on this Miss T. First thing it said to me was abusive relationship.

Catalina

 

[NemoAlia]

Would, did, and am.

I've had no D/s for a good long while now. It's easier for me than it is for him, I think, 'cause he's always afraid he's not satisfying me and I'm just being nice. I think he expects me to break down one of these days and say he just doesn't do it for me. I don't expect to, though.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I'm weighing in with Catalina on this one. Having spent most of my life not getting my needs met (partially because I hadn't yet fully figured out what they were) and now finally having gotten to a space in which after years of learning and discovering and searching I managed (by complete accident) to find someone who suits me so wholly and completely....

I wouldn't leave BDSM if I had it to do over again, no. There are things I need from a D/s relationship that a nilla relationship cannot, and never will be able to provide, the things we seldom talk about, such as humiliation. Frankly, I don't see the nilla boyfriends providing much in that arena and enjoying it to boot. The depth of the power exchange is something that that a nilla relationship only scratches, IMHO. I never felt the level of trust with my nilla relationships that I feel in this relationship. But, then again, I never let them in my head like I do my Dominant. It's all a matter of degree.

So, no. I would never go back, for anyone vanilla. Not worth it.

~anelize

 

[Guest]

As a friend of mine (Ok a sub-Jeeze) once said, "Vanilla is such a pale flavor -It lacks ....everything interesting."

The problem is, you don't discover how pale it is until you've tried Rocky Road.
Then there is a good chance Vanilla just won't cut it anymore.

As for leaving BDsM - For love or whatever -Who knows - it will depend on the 'you' and the circumstances. But if you find yourself browsing "Leather Are Us" when your siggy isn't around. Well then you are just kidding yourself.


EKVITKAR

 

[MissTaken]

Another word of warning for those who are seeking, don't become entrapped in the alphabet soup that we use to describe our sexual proclivities.

Many Dominant men do not want or need the template of BDSM, "The Loving Dominant", etc in order to engage in a successful BDSM relationship.

I expect the same occurs with submissives, but my own experience has been that the most Dominant man I have ever been involved with never once, considered himself involved in any lifestyle, never referred to himself as a Dom etc. I think you get the picture.

So, it may not look like BDSM, but give it a try and see!

Teh same may be said for some SO's who simply haven't had teh opportunity to express their interest for fear that YOU will think they are freakish.

Communicate, always.

 

[s'lara]

Would, did, and am.

I've had no D/s for a good long while now. It's easier for me than it is for him, I think, 'cause he's always afraid he's not satisfying me and I'm just being nice. I think he expects me to break down one of these days and say he just doesn't do it for me. I don't expect to, though.

Nemo - if i may ask, how did you give it up? Was it a gradual distancing or was it cold turkey?

i'm sorry. These are personal questions and i don't know you at all. i fully understand if don't want to respond. Well, i was just wondering how.

lara

 

[James G 5]

Tried it. Can't. Was miserable.
If it's really a PART of you, there will be a lingering unhappiness.
I would say let them know WAY early on what you're in to & if they can't or won't share it, forget it.