Learn to be dominant?

[jenamapat]

I'm interested in fulfilling this guys fantasy. He's wanting to be with a dominant woman which i am not. Can anyone give me any tips? or examples of what can make me a more dominant lady for him?

 

[SweetErika]

Figure out what appeals to you, then have him do those things. Apart from respecting limits and basic needs (which you should absolutely discuss beforehand), don't concern yourself with doing what he wants or fulfilling his fantasies; focus on what you want and fulfilling your own fantasies.

Also, get used to telling instead of asking. This is more of a mindset than a hard and fast rule, since you can certainly be dominant and ask questions, make requests, etc., but it might help guide you into finding your dominant groove.

Is this a RL or online-only thing?

 

[jenamapat]

its RL that's why i want to do it just right. i want to be believable.

 

[SweetErika]

its RL that's why i want to do it just right. i want to be believable.

Have you checked out the BDSM Talk forum and Library yet?

What are you interested in trying and what do you really enjoy doing?

All I can say is if you're going to try to pretend, worry about your acting skills/believability, "doing it right," or cater to *someone's* notions of what a dominant is/should be, you're both likely to be disappointed. If, OTOH, you put your effort into enjoying yourself, doing what feels right to you and exploring your actual dominance, you'll both likely have a great time.

When I was first exploring my dominance, I wasted a bunch of time and energy worrying about what I should do to be that perfect/fantasy domme, when I would have been much better served by focusing on what I wanted and asserting myself in whatever way(s) felt comfortable at the time. When I finally did realize it was all about pleasing me, the pieces fell into place. I also worked on doing things that felt completely selfish, demanding and mean because I'd become so conditioned to not appear to be any of those things that I needed to do what felt like going overboard in the beginning to find the right balance for me. So, don't worry about being too X, Y, or Z - embrace feeling like you're going overboard, and you'll probably end up exactly where you should be for the maximum enjoyment of yourself and your partner.

 

[evenyc]

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[emap]

Just be selfish. No really, if you sit down and think I could really use a foot massage, tell him to give you one. When it comes to sex tell him to do what you enjoy and keep telling him. There are no hard and fast rules on this, unless you are doing a porn.

Set limits and a safe word before you do anything, his limits are just as important. The most important thing is to have fun, no regulated time for anything except getting up in the morning to go to work. When you can set your watch to giving a blowjob, getting on your back being licked then he gets on top and pumps so many times before finishing you are not having fun anymore.

 

[infinity706]

There's really no rules for porn, either. As long as you're doing something sex related, you don't really have to stick to the script perfectly, even if there is one.

 

[flasubm]

I'm going to give my opinion and I know I will be eaten alive but here goes.

bdsm is for everyone, not just 24/7 lit players

You sound like a novice which I am as well. I and my wife both enjoy both ends of the spectrum so my opinion comes from there. You and your husband don't sound like full time players (as we aren't as well). If you are truly wanting to fulfill his fantasies, ask him his overall desires, not specifics. If you ask him specifics and then give him a choice, you aren't really dominant over him, you are submitting to him. Do this prior to the appointed time and take his suggestions and your own desires and join them into an evening of fun and exploration

 

[jenamapat]

I'm going to give my opinion and I know I will be eaten alive but here goes.

bdsm is for everyone, not just 24/7 lit players

You sound like a novice which I am as well. I and my wife both enjoy both ends of the spectrum so my opinion comes from there. You and your husband don't sound like full time players (as we aren't as well). If you are truly wanting to fulfill his fantasies, ask him his overall desires, not specifics. If you ask him specifics and then give him a choice, you aren't really dominant over him, you are submitting to him. Do this prior to the appointed time and take his suggestions and your own desires and join them into an evening of fun and exploration

Flasubm,

The thing for one thing it isn't a husband so you're right it wouldn't be an all the time thing. BUT i have asked him to kinda tell me a little about what his fantasy was and he told me that it wouldn't work if he told me what to do. That I needed to figure out what I wanted and to take it. Make him do anything I wanted no matter what it was. So i'm hoping that i'm gonna do well. I'm giving him a collar that I bought for him sometime today and I hope its a step in the right direction. Thank you for your insight on the matter.

 

[satindesire]

Flasubm,

The thing for one thing it isn't a husband so you're right it wouldn't be an all the time thing. BUT i have asked him to kinda tell me a little about what his fantasy was and he told me that it wouldn't work if he told me what to do. That I needed to figure out what I wanted and to take it. Make him do anything I wanted no matter what it was. So i'm hoping that i'm gonna do well. I'm giving him a collar that I bought for him sometime today and I hope its a step in the right direction. Thank you for your insight on the matter.

This is where he's wrong.

Good and healthy Dominance follows boundaries that the sub has. If he doesn't want you to do knifeplay, how are you going to know that unless he tells you? You can't read his mind. And everyone has limits, so you've GOT to find out what they are.

Part of being a Dominant is sometimes making the sub do what they don't WANT to do, just because it makes you happy.

So, tell him "You're GOING to tell me what you want, whether you like it or not." and that's part of being a Domme, too.

 

[jenamapat]

This is where he's wrong.

Good and healthy Dominance follows boundaries that the sub has. If he doesn't want you to do knifeplay, how are you going to know that unless he tells you? You can't read his mind. And everyone has limits, so you've GOT to find out what they are.

Part of being a Dominant is sometimes making the sub do what they don't WANT to do, just because it makes you happy.

So, tell him "You're GOING to tell me what you want, whether you like it or not." and that's part of being a Domme, too.

oh wow...i like the sound of that. thanks for the advice!

 

[satindesire]

oh wow...i like the sound of that. thanks for the advice!

Sure, no problem!

 

[coastal-boy]

Once boundaries are known, it is about what you want to do. So let's turn this around a bit...you say you are not dominant...what do YOU like to have done to you?

 

[niv78]

Do some research and reading: Leather and Roses is a good website and check out Fetlife and try and find a local even that you can attend to ask questions.

 

[jenamapat]

Once boundaries are known, it is about what you want to do. So let's turn this around a bit...you say you are not dominant...what do YOU like to have done to you?

I'm not entirely sure what all i'd like to be done to me. I just know that I'm very interested in having a "daddy dom" experience. Someone that's caring but forceful. I'm not into anything severe.

 

[Netzach]

Flasubm,

The thing for one thing it isn't a husband so you're right it wouldn't be an all the time thing. BUT i have asked him to kinda tell me a little about what his fantasy was and he told me that it wouldn't work if he told me what to do. That I needed to figure out what I wanted and to take it. Make him do anything I wanted no matter what it was. So i'm hoping that i'm gonna do well. I'm giving him a collar that I bought for him sometime today and I hope its a step in the right direction. Thank you for your insight on the matter.

Not good enough on his part.

Not because I'm going with the real-ass 24/7 Mistress happy horseshit, ha, but because neither I, you, nor anyone is psychic.

I always do interrogation play on these cases.

Shine a light on 'em - probe the sensitive areas of their bodies and you stop doing the good-feeling things when they aren't talking.

"I know what I want to do to you, now you HAVE to tell me what you want me to do to you."

It doesn't have to be boring, the communication part.

 

[subwannabe]

A lot of guys have a strong desire to eat their own cum but then that fades after orgasm, only to return when they are horny again. It is such a turn on for me but I tell my wife that she has to make me go through with it after orgasm because if she doesn't it would no longer me a turn on for me while horny because I would know ahead of time that I was going to get out of it. Tie him up and play with him mercilessly until he wants to cum so bad he will reveal his big turn ons. I'm willing to bet that eating his own cum is one and you can continue keeping him on the edge until he begs you to make him go through with it. If that is the case, keep him tied up, make him cum, and then give it back to him. Make sure you get what you want first though.

 

[270buck]

This is my biggest fantasy having my wife dominate me in any way she wants. I have told some things I would to, but she keeps saying she is not ready just yet.

 

[mentionME]

I sure hope he meant dominant and not assertive. Big. Difference. I know sometimes I used to say dominant when really I wanted a girl to just b proactive and maybe ride face not full body bdsm. Let me know how the collar goes

 

[ReverendAnimal]

There is a really good book entitled "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns". It's got info for the novice, as well as the experienced. It might be helpful.

http://www.amazon.ca/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

 

[CoralineDoll]

I'm going to bump this thread up, instead of just making a new one, and hope that more people can help out with replies...

I have been submissive, naturally, during my entire sexual life. I've dabbled in switching to domme, but i've never actually been able to learn.

I've been seeing my bf for 6 or 7 months now, and he's told me he likes to be spanked, and he made a comment of possibly role playing. I put on an old pair of stripper shoes i used to dance in, and he seemed to like those. So it's becoming apparent to me that he is naturally submissive. He tells me constantly his only desire is to please me.
I think he is more submissive than he knows.

So here is my question about learning to be dominant. I know it's baby steps, and I know its both of us communicating and feeling each other out... Kitchen tools work great in a pinch when you don't have a paddle handy.....

But how do I break out of my submissive shell in order to make sure i please him correctly for pleasing me. We have great sex, it's not lacking... I'm just not confident enough in myself I suppose. How do I gain some confidence, dangit?
xo

 

[niv78]

It's a bit harder for me to answer since I am not submissive in nature. I believe your best route is to keep working at it, it takes a long time to learn D/s and you'll never fully learn it all, just take your time, have fun and be safe.

Tasks are a good way to show and maintain the Dom/me aura outside of the bedroom. Give him a daily task or two and make sure he does them, if he doesn't then discipline him, which doesn't have to be pain or spankings, you'll find a lot of submissives will try to get into trouble if all you ever do is some sort of pain or spanking, and this is a bad habit. I have done lots of different things like assign lines or to write a report on a current event or orgasm denial.