leaping before i lose my nerve...

[sweetestmelissa]

greetings. i am new to the boards, but love the idea of honest, blind feedback.

...

she comes to the door naked,
perfectly stunning.
i step inside and
take her in my arms,
feeling her warm flesh
under my touch.

exploring every inch
of her delicious body...
softest lips
moist tongue
curve of her neck
full breasts
contours of her hips
strong thighs.

i run my tongue gently
over her hot cunt
her breathing quick and shallow
i probe deeper
wanting to taste
every part of her sex
her legs wrapped around me
i feel her
coming against me
her hands tangled in my hair

rising up,
i kiss her lips
and whisper
"sleep well".

 

[WickedEve]

Hi

Well, you've gotten past the first hurdles. You know what you want to write about, and you've put together some words. Sometimes, just getting started can be the hardest part. Of course, sharing with others can be more difficult. Now that you have your poem written, you can begin revising.

Let's look at the first stanza:
she comes to the door naked,
perfectly stunning.
i step inside and
take her in my arms,
feeling her warm flesh
under my touch.

Here's a quick revision:
she comes to the door,
perfectly stunning.
In my arms,
she's a touch
of naked warmth.

My version gets rid of a few unnecessary words. Never use more words than necessary. Watch for clichés. Throw in some metaphors. Show, don't tell. Those are a few basics.

I'll stop here and let some other poets offer some suggestions.

 

[WickedEve]

Okay, having nothing else to do, I'm going for stanza two. There's just no stopping me.

exploring every inch
of her delicious body...
softest lips
moist tongue
curve of her neck
full breasts
contours of her hips
strong thighs.

exploration lies
in the curve of her neck,
hip contours, lip and thigh.

In my version, I try to use your words, just rearranged. And I even slipped in on line with internal rhyme, which can be neat-o to throw in sometimes.

So now you have:

she comes to the door,
perfectly stunning.
In my arms,
she's a touch
of naked warmth.

exploration lies
in the curve of her neck,
hip contours, lip and thigh.

 

[twelveoone]

In my version, I try to use your words, just rearranged. And I even slipped in on line with eternal rhyme, which can be neat to throw in sometimes.

OK, I give up, eternal rhyme?

BTW I wish I had written it

 

[WickedEve]

OK, I give up, eternal rhyme?

BTW I wish I had written it

Oh, it's just damn typo so don't give up. lol Internal! I'll go edit my boo boo now.

 

[WickedEve]

OK, I give up, eternal rhyme?

BTW I wish I had written it

Wish you had written what, dozen boy?

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

i run my tongue gently
over her hot cunt
her breathing quick and shallow
i probe deeper
wanting to taste
every part of her sex
her legs wrapped around me
i feel her
coming against me
her hands tangled in my hair

Perhaps?

I run my tongue gently
Over her hot cunt- another word for cunt. Passionate poem here.
Her breath becomes
Quick and shallow,
As I probe deeper,
Wanting to taste
Every inch.
Her legs wrap around me;
An intense feeling
Of her
Coming against me
With hands tangled in my hair.

I like what you have already. I just love to play around with words. Mind my caps. I was once told it was proper in poetry, but it's all up to you. Have fun and welcome

 

[twelveoone]

Wish you had written what, dozen boy?

Oh, internal rhyme. I didn't see it. I've seen some infernal rhymes in my time. I still don't see it.
dozen boy?
Are we back to shorting my number, my age?
I wish I had written the poem. I liked your modification also.
I was a breathin' a little shallow myself'

dozen boy, tsk, tsk, after I called you
Thermo-numinious

since I'm here, what is "blind feedback"?

 

[sweetestmelissa]

thank you wickedeve, twelveoone, and christina for taking the time to read and comment.

twelveoone - what i meant by 'blind feedback'... no one here knows me, and no one here feels obligated to be nice just because they are my friend and such. does that make sense?

 

[Liar]

thank you wickedeve, twelveoone, and christina for taking the time to read and comment.

twelveoone - what i meant by 'blind feedback'... no one here knows me, and no one here feels obligated to be nice just because they are my friend and such. does that make sense?

In a way, yes. And in another way, no. I know that with the people I know well here, I can be as blunt and as "mean" (or rather, straightforward) as I wish with critique and suggestions, and I know they don't take offense. With someone new, I always try to be more... well... diplomatic, to not scare them off.

You don't seem like one who scare easily though. I have been a little preoccupied lately, so harly anyone have gotten my 2c's worth about their poems. I'll take a peek at yours later, when I have a minute or three.

#L

 

[twelveoone]

thank you wickedeve, twelveoone, and christina for taking the time to read and comment.

twelveoone - what i meant by 'blind feedback'... no one here knows me, and no one here feels obligated to be nice just because they are my friend and such. does that make sense?

I like you, for the record, I like WickedEve alot, she likes to bash me, but she is one of the best around.

 

[WickedEve]

I like you, for the record, I like WickedEve alot, she likes to bash me, but she is one of the best around.

Bash? I don't bash. I may torment just a smidgeon. Perhaps, vex a wee bit. And there's the occasional nettling. But bash? Never. Can't you sense the deep infection, uh, affection that I have for you, twelvetwothree?

 

[twelveoone]

Bash? I don't bash. I may torment just a smidgeon. Perhaps, vex a wee bit. And there's the occasional nettling. But bash? Never. Can't you sense the deep infection, uh, affection that I have for you, twelvetwothree?

Oh God, not the net, the lash was bad enough. I like that wee sex bit, I think I saw.

 

[WickedEve]

Oh God, not the net, the lash was bad enough. I like that wee sex bit, I think I saw.

That was a V, Mr. XII
No S for you.

 

[Du Lac]

exploring every inch
of her delicious body...
softest lips
moist tongue
curve of her neck
full breasts
contours of her hips
strong thighs.

just a thought as I read this... passionate exploration of desire:


mysterious explorations
lying in hidden delights,
the call of..
soft lips,
moist tongue,
ache of...
full breasts,
a curve of her neck,
lost forever in...
strong thighs
joyful contours of hips
all a mystery...

I am wordy lol... but the passion of the poem caught me..revision I wrote.. is how it made me feel...
Du Lac

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Du Lac,

You got it going on!!!

 

[Du Lac]

lol..

thank you Christina...I am a very visual person..
Du Lac

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Sure thing