Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

1. Not Much

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers' café and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.
The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man's pie.
The second spat into the man's milk.
The third turned over the old man's plate.
As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.
When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, "Not much of a man, was he?"
"Not much of a truck driver either," replied the waitress. "He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

2. Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

 

[bluemoonbill]

Lawyers

A guy walks into a crowded bar and announces quite loudly "All lawyers are assholes".

From the far end of the bar a man stands up and says "Hey man, I resent that statement".

So the first guy asks "Why, are you a lawyer"?

And, the second man says "No, I'm an asshole".

 

[GiggLeGasm]

to continue in a similar light..

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt.Vernon, Texas , Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

 

[kayte]

A guy walks into a crowded bar and announces quite loudly "All lawyers are assholes".

From the far end of the bar a man stands up and says "Hey man, I resent that statement".

So the first guy asks "Why, are you a lawyer"?

And, the second man says "No, I'm an asshole".

Hi bill ~ Welcome to the thread. That is a great funny, thank you! Hope you are having a terrific Tuesday.

 

[kayte]

to continue in a similar light..

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt.Vernon, Texas , Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Good morning Giggle ~ Welcome. Thank you for the above. That is great. I will definitely have to share that at church! Hopw you are having a wonderful week.

 

[kayte]

1. Quickie

"Doc, I've just not been feeling myself lately."
"Yes, and you look better for it, too!"

2. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: You're wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you!

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them!

 

[kayte]

Happy Hump Day!

A Traffic Warning

An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

 

[Kitkat103]

This always Makes me Laugh

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg679sAk091qze24no1_400.jpg

 

[settledseas]

Hooker in Las Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



No," the hooker replies, "but I would.. if I had a pussy."

 

[Kristi81]

Hooker in Las Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



No," the hooker replies, "but I would.. if I had a pussy."

http://www.wetter-live.at/chat/smileys/Smiley-big_rofl.gif

 

[Jekyll87]

Long time reader to this amazing thread. Didn't have anything to contribute earlier :

6 Important Life Lessons

Lesson 1: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.



Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[ga400us]

JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW
AP Wire- Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's
scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a
recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set
of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing
crew could only do it in 13 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races
are won or lost in the pits.


However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4
wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered
the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and
some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

 

[ga400us]

A lady is sitting at home on the veranda with her
husband and she says, "I love you."
He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me.......... talking to the wine!"

 

[ga400us]

My Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Molson, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again...I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljt6vbyjMX1qc2s5go1_500.gif

 

[Kitkat103]

Snow white was banned from the Magical kingdom, when she sat on Pinocchio’s nose and shouted. “Lie Bastard lie!”

 

[AbsintheFather]

What a set of lungs . . .

http://www.jigglegifs.com/data/media/5/bubble_gum_breath.gif

 

[AbsintheFather]

Oldie, but goodie

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 hens... The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all the 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks & the geese. Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you horny little bastard!" The cock opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh. They're about to land.

 

[AbsintheFather]

Bruce comes home one day and says to Bob (his lover), "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" Bob lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So Bob lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk2a2wzP251qhxcwxo1_500.jpg

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk230ujeiY1qavruso1_500.jpg

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lju2k4DZmW1qfee72o1_500.jpg

 

[settledseas]

>> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
>> pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked
>> straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
>> to buy some Cyanide."
>>
>> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you
>> need cyanide?"
>>
>> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
>> husband."
>>
>>
>>
>> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
>> "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to
>> kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll
>> lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
>> jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
>>
>> Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
>>
>>
>>
>> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
>> picture of her husband in bed with the
>> pharmacist's wife.
>>
>>
>>
>> The pharmacist looked at the picture and
>> replied, "Well now, that's different, you didn't
>> tell me you had a prescription."
>>

 

[settledseas]

Women Are Evil By Nature


For example...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Kitkat103]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk230ujeiY1qavruso1_500.jpg

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lju2k4DZmW1qfee72o1_500.jpg

LMAO That is too cute!

 

[Kitkat103]

OMG Sooo Gross!

Women Are Evil By Nature


For example...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."