Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. She sits next to Harold and they strike up a conversation and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it for him.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

This had been going on for several weeks, when one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing swine! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's!

{{{{{ga}}}}} Your sure find some wonderful ones.

 

[2wild2care]

Is my wife turned off by the sight of my naked body ?


A small part of me thinks yes.

 

[kayte]

These jokes are politically incorrect. If you are easily offended, don't read them.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

Hi PolyLvr ~ Those are absolutely marvelous. Thank you so much!

 

[starrynightin64]

Fireman sex....

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1 - I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 - I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 - We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, ' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[ga400us]

LOL. Too funny

Fireman sex....

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1 - I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 - I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 - We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, ' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[ga400us]

{{{{{ga}}}}} Your sure find some wonderful ones.

Thank you {{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[kayte]

Fireman sex....

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1 - I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 - I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 - We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, ' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Hi {{{{{{Starry}}}}}}

Now that is perfect! ROTFLMAO

 

[kayte]

She was sooooo Blonde

1. She tripped over a cordless phone.

2. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate".

3. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

4. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

5. She studied for a blood test.

6. She sold the car for gas money.

7. When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

8. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

9. She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

10. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 

[kayte]

Thank you {{{{{kayte}}}}}

No, Thank You! Hope you are having a magnificent Monday.

 

[starrynightin64]

LOL. Too funny

Thank ga...
I spend some time with first responders.

I hope you are staying warm up there!

 

[starrynightin64]

Hi {{{{{{Starry}}}}}}

Now that is perfect! ROTFLMAO

She was sooooo Blonde

1. She tripped over a cordless phone.

2. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate".

3. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

4. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

5. She studied for a blood test.

6. She sold the car for gas money.

7. When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

8. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

9. She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

10. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

<groans> now those were bad...
especially since I know a few who this might apply to.

 

[PolyLvr]

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[2wild2care]

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up nor let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him when things get tough. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She will meet his intimate desires, make him feel desirable, confident, even invincible.....











No, wait - I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does that. Sorry.

 

[ga400us]

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up nor let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him when things get tough. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She will meet his intimate desires, make him feel desirable, confident, even invincible.....











No, wait - I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does that. Sorry.

Too funny!

 

[ga400us]

The Blind Bunny

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."

 

[kayte]

Alrighty, you know you're living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You hav'nt played solitiare with real cards in years (shuffel ... whats that?).

3. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

4. You've sat at the same desk for seven years and worked for four different companies.

5. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

 

[kayte]

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."

Good evening {{{{Ga}}}}} That is so funny and so true.

 

[kayte]

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Hi {{{{Poly}}}} Thank you so much for clearing that all up.

 

[kayte]

Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with his suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs int he bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Get A Hot Mamma

Morris, 82, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc," replied Morris. "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful'."

 

[ga400us]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE



Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

 

[kayte]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE



Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

Good morning {{{{{ga}}}}}

Thank you so much. That one had me laughing out loud! I'm still grinning.

 

[ga400us]

Good morning {{{{{ga}}}}}

Thank you so much. That one had me laughing out loud! I'm still grinning.

You are welcome! {{{{{kayte}}}}}

Go Packers!

 

[ga400us]

"Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

LOL, I love it! Now I wonder where I can find me a hot mama?

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[kayte]

You are welcome! {{{{{kayte}}}}}

Go Packers!

LOL, I love it! Now I wonder where I can find me a hot mama?

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

Good morning {{{{ga}}}} ~ I'm not sure. Hope you find one. And thank you for rooting for my team.

 

[AbsintheFather]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"