Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

"Class," said the teacher, "from now on, I'll ask you a question every Friday. Whoever answers it correctly can skip school the following Monday.
"Now, here's your first question: How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
Of course, no one could answer.
The next Friday's question was just as bad: "How many stars are in the sky?"
Again, no answer.
A frustrated Little Johnny had an idea. Thursday evening he painted two ping-pong balls black. On Friday, he took them to school.
When the teacher said, "Here's this week's question…", Little Johnny tossed his ping-pong balls to the front of the room.
As the class erupted in laughter, the teacher yelled, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Little Johnny stood up and yelled, "Richard Pryor! See ya Tuesday, Teach!"

 

[kayte]

1. Lawyer Joke No. 167

For years, the young attorney took his brief vacations at a country inn.
Last year, he'd finally managed to have sex with the innkeeper's daughter.
This year he was looking forward to another exciting few days.
But when he opened the door to his room, there she sat ... holding an infant!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?
I'd have rushed up here and married you so the baby would have my name!"
"Well," said Helen, "when my folks found out, we talked about it, but decided we'd rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"

2. Like A Deck of Cards...

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
At first, you only need two hearts and a diamond.
But by the end, you sometimes wish you had a club and a spade!

 

[kayte]

The Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and replied, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh.....I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."

"Exactly,:" I replied with a big smile on my face

 

[kayte]

1. Dead Man Talking

"...And then she asked, 'What's the best form of birth control over 50?' And I said, 'Nudity'."

2. Smart

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

3. New Bra Design

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

[kayte]

Bloke's Rules - Aussie Style


Rule 1: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

Rule 2: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 3: It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
A. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
B. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
C. After wrecking your boss' car.
D. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" movie.
E. When she is using her teeth.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bale a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever -- unless you actually marry her.

 

[kayte]

Q1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A1. None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Q2. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A2. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A3. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A4. When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."

Q5. Why do men die before their wives?
A5. Because they want to.

 

[cowslinger64]

http://nuffy.net/pics/funny/children-drawings/children_drawings_03.jpg


http://nuffy.net/pics/funny/children-drawings/children_drawings_05.jpg

 

[cowslinger64]

http://www.viduu.com/video/best-car...a.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=wahoha


awesome card trick

 

[starrynightin64]

Bloke's Rules - Aussie Style

Rule 1: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

Rule 2: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 3: It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
A. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
B. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
C. After wrecking your boss' car.
D. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" movie.
E. When she is using her teeth.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bale a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever -- unless you actually marry her.

 

[kayte]

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-square-foot house 4-inches deep.

2. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - and lots of it!

5. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

6. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.


7. 60% of the males reading this list will try mixing brake fluid and bleach.

 

[2wild2care]

See-through coffins..... will they be a success ??

remains to be seen

 

[2wild2care]

i'm hoping most of what i say isn't taken as a sexual euphemism.....

touch wood!

 

[done_got_old]

The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?



This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"



Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

 

[2wild2care]

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today,
well i assume she was poor, she only had 87p in her purse......

lol sick i know

 

[2wild2care]

I've recently been reading a book on reverse psychology,

or have i?

 

[starrynightin64]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.....

 

[starrynightin64]

The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?



This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"



Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

I am so glad I swallowed that coffee before reading that punch line!!!!

 

[nights1717]

Condiments

Whats the difference between marmalade and jam?

Well you can't marmalade your cock up someone's arse

 

[kayte]

See-through coffins..... will they be a success ??

remains to be seen

i'm hoping most of what i say isn't taken as a sexual euphemism.....

touch wood!

Hi 2wild ~ Thank you for the funnies. They put quite a grin on my face. Hope you are having a fantastic weekend.

 

[kayte]

The Pope and Sarah Palin are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Palin and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?



This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"



Palin replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

That is wonderful! I love it. Hope you are keeping safe and warm. We are under a blizzard warning where I am, until 6 pm tomorrow!

 

[kayte]

Whats the difference between marmalade and jam?

Well you can't marmalade your cock up someone's arse

Hi nights ~ Welcome. That says it all!

 

[kayte]

The Sportsman's Double
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snoggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

 

[kayte]

I am so glad I swallowed that coffee before reading that punch line!!!!

Good morning {{{{{{Starry}}}}}}

You know the ONLY safe time to be drinking coffee, or anything, while on Lit is when writing and making your own post!

Hope it is warming up for you. Might make it to the double digits in my neck of the woods today....

 

[cowslinger64]

Bad Santas..


http://thechive.com/2010/12/14/bad-santas-16-photos/

 

[kayte]

Bad Santas..


http://thechive.com/2010/12/14/bad-santas-16-photos/

That they are!

Hope you are having a great day.