Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

1. The Artist

Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object and that she was willing to pay $50,000 for the painting.
Not wanting to get into trouble with Bobbie Sue, his wife and cousin, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Bobbie Sue.
In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it ... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

2. Military Advice

1. "Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher.
2. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army training notice.
3. "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.
4. "If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual.
5. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force flight training manual.

3. Conscience

Bob had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, though, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Bob, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. So just let it go."
Invariably though, the other voice would bring him back to reality ... "But Bob, you're a Veterinarian..."

 

[done_got_old]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere . Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt . Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.



Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."



"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

[Mrtenant]

Let's offend Everyone

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today..

Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!


I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,

this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

 

[kayte]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere . Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt . Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.



Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."



"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Good afternoon {{{{{{DGO}}}}}} TGIF!

That is hysterical! Thank you so much for the funny. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today..

Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!


I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,

this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

TGIF Mrtenant ~ Guess you are just very literal! Got a giggle out of me for most of them.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

There's a bar at the top of a multi-story hotel in the middel of the city.
A man walks in, sits at the bar and orders a beer, he looks around, a smile on his lips as he thinks about his day, looking over he sees the man, completely drunk next to him down a tequila get up, walk over to the balcony and jump off; he stares in amazement as no-one bats an eye lid or even seemed distressed at what has just happened.

Just then the doors open and in walks the drunk man that had apparently jumped out the window to his death, but there wasn't a scratch on him. The drunk man sits down and orders another tequila, downs the shot, walks over to the balcony and jumps off, only to walk back through the doors a minute later. The other man just sits and gapes at this amazing turn of events.

"Excuse me, but what is going on, how are you still alive?"

"Helium bubbles. In the Tequila, when you drink it it fills you up and then you can just fall to earth, light as a feather. The man is flabbergasted, but excited and orders himself a tequila, drinking it and goes to step off the balcony, but instead falls to his death. The bartender turns to the drunk man, a frown on his face.

"You know Superman. You can be a real dick when you've been drinking."

 

[kayte]

There's a bar at the top of a multi-story hotel in the middel of the city.
A man walks in, sits at the bar and orders a beer, he looks around, a smile on his lips as he thinks about his day, looking over he sees the man, completely drunk next to him down a tequila get up, walk over to the balcony and jump off; he stares in amazement as no-one bats an eye lid or even seemed distressed at what has just happened.

Just then the doors open and in walks the drunk man that had apparently jumped out the window to his death, but there wasn't a scratch on him. The drunk man sits down and orders another tequila, downs the shot, walks over to the balcony and jumps off, only to walk back through the doors a minute later. The other man just sits and gapes at this amazing turn of events.

"Excuse me, but what is going on, how are you still alive?"

"Helium bubbles. In the Tequila, when you drink it it fills you up and then you can just fall to earth, light as a feather. The man is flabbergasted, but excited and orders himself a tequila, drinking it and goes to step off the balcony, but instead falls to his death. The bartender turns to the drunk man, a frown on his face.

"You know Superman. You can be a real dick when you've been drinking."

Good afternoon Pen ~ That is great! Quite a visual too. Hope you are having a fantastic Friday!

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Good afternoon Pen ~ That is great! Quite a visual too. Hope you are having a fantastic Friday!

Thanks, the weather is miserable so I wanted to do something to make me laugh And I hope you are have a fantastic friday too

 

[kikmosa]

A man owning a bar decided to hold a contest. He put a sigh in his window announcing "A years free beer to the person that can make my donkey laugh."
He tied his donkey in the alley and many a person tried to make him laugh. They tickled him, told jokes and acted the fool. But it seemed the donkey would never laugh.
Then up walked a dirty man in a ragged coat. Leaning over, he whispered in the donkey's ear. The donkey began braying and rolling on the alley floor.
Everyone congratulated the man and carried him in to begin his free beer. Although many people asked he refused to tell what he had whispered.
A year passes and the bar owner decided to hold another contest. This time you had to make the donkey cry.
Again the donkey was tied in the alley and again people came from everywhere. They pinched and poked and beat the poor donkey but all they got in return was kicked and bitten.
And then up walked the same man that had won the year before. He told everyone that he could make the donkey cry but everyone would have to go inside first.
Everyone went inside and many pressed their ear against the wall to try to hear what was happening. Wails began to drift through the windows and everyone rushed outside to find the donkey laying on the ground crying and whimpering.
Again the man was carried in and offered his first free beer. Before he could take the first sip, the owner of the bar insisted he tell them how he did it.
The man blushed and said, "Last year I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger then his."
"Yes?" said the owner.

"This year I proved it."

 

[kikmosa]

A man went to a bar looking for a good time. He drank and flirted with all of the women in the bar, hoping to get one to go back to the hotel with him. Hour after hour nothing but getting shot down.

In walks this man, dressed kinda shabby and rather plain looking. He sat down and ordered a drink. Within minutes the prettiest girl in the bar was sidling up to him. With just a few words they left the bar in a rush.

The first man turned to the barkeeper and said, "I've been here for hours, using my best lines and trying hard to get a girl for the night. He walks in, says nothing and walks out with the prettiest. What the hell?"

The barkeeper says, "I know. Night after night it happens. He comes in, orders a drink and never says a word. Just sits there and slowly licks his eyebrows"

 

[done_got_old]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"



And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...































"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

 

[lakesailer_mi]

"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

Yes, it's old...but still, even knowing the punch line...I laughed!
Thanks! You're the best!

 

[kayte]

Thanks, the weather is miserable so I wanted to do something to make me laugh And I hope you are have a fantastic friday too

Good afternoon {{{Pen}}}} Hope the weather improved so that you had a wonderful weekend! Happy Monday!

 

[kayte]

A man owning a bar decided to hold a contest. He put a sigh in his window announcing "A years free beer to the person that can make my donkey laugh."
He tied his donkey in the alley and many a person tried to make him laugh. They tickled him, told jokes and acted the fool. But it seemed the donkey would never laugh.
Then up walked a dirty man in a ragged coat. Leaning over, he whispered in the donkey's ear. The donkey began braying and rolling on the alley floor.
Everyone congratulated the man and carried him in to begin his free beer. Although many people asked he refused to tell what he had whispered.
A year passes and the bar owner decided to hold another contest. This time you had to make the donkey cry.
Again the donkey was tied in the alley and again people came from everywhere. They pinched and poked and beat the poor donkey but all they got in return was kicked and bitten.
And then up walked the same man that had won the year before. He told everyone that he could make the donkey cry but everyone would have to go inside first.
Everyone went inside and many pressed their ear against the wall to try to hear what was happening. Wails began to drift through the windows and everyone rushed outside to find the donkey laying on the ground crying and whimpering.
Again the man was carried in and offered his first free beer. Before he could take the first sip, the owner of the bar insisted he tell them how he did it.
The man blushed and said, "Last year I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger then his."
"Yes?" said the owner.

"This year I proved it."

Mosa ~ That is great! Thank you so much! Hope you are having a wonderful afternoon.

 

[kayte]

A man went to a bar looking for a good time. He drank and flirted with all of the women in the bar, hoping to get one to go back to the hotel with him. Hour after hour nothing but getting shot down.

In walks this man, dressed kinda shabby and rather plain looking. He sat down and ordered a drink. Within minutes the prettiest girl in the bar was sidling up to him. With just a few words they left the bar in a rush.

The first man turned to the barkeeper and said, "I've been here for hours, using my best lines and trying hard to get a girl for the night. He walks in, says nothing and walks out with the prettiest. What the hell?"

The barkeeper says, "I know. Night after night it happens. He comes in, orders a drink and never says a word. Just sits there and slowly licks his eyebrows"

That is marvelous!

 

[kayte]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"



And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...




























"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

Yes, it's old...but still, even knowing the punch line...I laughed!
Thanks! You're the best!

{{{{{{DGO}}}}}} and {{{{{{{Sailer}}}}}}}}

That is a marvelous one, and I do agree!

 

[kayte]

Happy Hump Day!

1. Olympic Condoms

He said: "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I believe I'll wear gold tonight."
She said: "Why not wear silver and come second for a change."



2. The Taxi Driver

A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the car.
"What's wrong with you, sunshine, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from.
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

 

[AbsintheFather]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

 

[AbsintheFather]

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer... "

 

[kayte]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

HI Abs ~ That is great thank you. Hope you are having a fantastic Friday.

 

[done_got_old]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

very good

 

[kayte]

1. Tattoos

"I always tried to pick up women with tattoos.
"My logic is: Here's a woman capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future!"

2. Politics

"In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told his audience, 'don't believe the platitudes of a politician.' Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Don't believe the platypus of a bad optician'." -- Conan O'Brien.

3. The Late Mr. Bialystock

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Bialystock, he made an amazing discovery -- Bialystock had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Bialystock," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Bialystock is dead!"

 

[rcthumper]

What do the NFL and brokeback mountian have in common?


Cowboys that suck!

 

[kayte]

What do the NFL and brokeback mountian have in common?


Cowboys that suck!

Good morning {{{{{rc}}}}} Now that is priceless! Hope you are having a good week. Have a Happy Thanksgiving too.

 

[kayte]

Grandpa's Advice

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-since passed away grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and true, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly
advice, came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger," he explained.
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?