Laughter is Contagious

[AbsintheFather]

The Brunette

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[kayte]

The Godfather On His Deathbed

The Godfather was dying.
He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, "Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor."
"Yes, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "I worship you."
The old man's eyes narrowed. "I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate."
The lad looked around uneasily. "I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing."
"Who raised you as if you were my own?" demanded the Godfather. "This one thing you can't do for me?"
The young man realized his error and agreed to the request.
When he returned, the old man said, "One more request?"
"Sure, godfather. Anything," said Mikey.
"Do it again!"
"What? I just did it," protested Mikey.
"Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can't do this one little thing for me?" asked the Godfather.
Again Mikey agreed and was soon back.
"Okay, I'm done," he told the Godfather.
"One last request," said the Godfather. "Do it once more."
"I don't understand, Godfather," said Mikey. "Why?"
"What? You can't grant a dying man his last wish?" said the Godfather.
Mikey was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside.
"I did it, Godfather, but, please, no more. I got nothing left."
"Good!" said the old man, handing him his car keys. "Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!"

 

[AbsintheFather]

Touche

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

 

[kayte]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

LMAO! Thank you AbsintheFather that is great!

 

[AbsintheFather]

Veterinary Humor

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

[kayte]

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

ROTFLMAO! That is great!

 

[kayte]

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"
"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.
"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room on Voyeurweb. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: 'You've got male'."

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lah8q4iFDW1qz7ltxo1_500.jpg

 

[kayte]

Hi Abs ~ Thank you for the cartoon. Hope you are having a wonderful day.

 

[kayte]

1. The Subject Was Roses

The young man was taking a long time to place his order at the flower shop.
He explained to the clerk that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses, one for each year of her life.
The clerk smiled and advised,
"Remember: she may be a 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."
He went with the dozen roses.

2. The Village Blacksmith

The village blacksmith finally found a new apprentice who was willing to work hard for long hours for no pay.
The blacksmith instructed the lad, "I'll take a horseshoe from the fire, lay it on the anvil and, when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told.
Now he's the village blacksmith!

3. DNA Q & A

Q. What do you get if you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
A. Banned from the petting zoo!

 

[done_got_old]

1. The Subject Was Roses

The young man was taking a long time to place his order at the flower shop.
He explained to the clerk that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses, one for each year of her life.
The clerk smiled and advised,
"Remember: she may be a 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."
He went with the dozen roses.

2. The Village Blacksmith

The village blacksmith finally found a new apprentice who was willing to work hard for long hours for no pay.
The blacksmith instructed the lad, "I'll take a horseshoe from the fire, lay it on the anvil and, when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told.
Now he's the village blacksmith!

3. DNA Q & A

Q. What do you get if you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
A. Banned from the petting zoo!

smart youngster

 

[smoothdevil]

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... ..

That, my friends, is Globalization !

 

[smoothdevil]

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and One says
to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your
dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously…. "What part did you get?"

 

[done_got_old]

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and One says
to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your
dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously…. "What part did you get?"

roflmbo

 

[smoothdevil]

PICK UP LINES


A Canadian walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'

The Canadian explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Canadian smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

[smoothdevil]

Truths of Life


1. I think a best friend's most important job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that light bulb moment during an argument, when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never, ever wash this - Ever!

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond when you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud as they go by."

 

[kayte]

Truths of Life


1. I think a best friend's most important job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that light bulb moment during an argument, when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never, ever wash this - Ever!

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond when you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud as they go by."

{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}}}}}}

These are great! Thank you!

 

[PolyLvr]

lmao
This whole page is great

 

[ga400us]

Hi {{{{{GA}}}}}

Thank you for both funnies. This one has me ROTFLMAO. In some ways it seems just like something 'some' guys might do.

You are welcome kayte! {{{{kayte}}}}

 

[ga400us]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!

 

[ga400us]

Top 10 Best Ever Caddie Quips

#10. Golfer: “That can't be my ball, it's too old.”
Caddie: “It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

#9. Golfer: “How should I have played that last shot?
Caddie: Under an assumed name.

#8. Golfer: This is the worst golf course I ever played.
Caddie: This isn't the golf course, we left that over an hour ago, sir!

#7. Golfer: I've never played this badly before.
Caddie: I didn't realize that you had played before, sir.

#6. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch, it is annoying.
Caddie: This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass.

#5. Golfer: I've played so poorly, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.
Caddie: I don't think you could keep your head down that long.
#4. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100.
Caddie: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

#3. Golfer: Do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddie: The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!

#2. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?
Caddie: Eventually.

#1. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world, he screamed.
Caddie: I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence.

 

[newbiebabe]

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?







She wanted to lay it on the line.



sorry, cheesy I know but sometimes you just gotta smile at the cheese....

 

[2wild2care]

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents.....


....apparently it's all over the papers !

 

[Cikali]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=733500

Please post in techsans birthday thread to cheer him up.
Thank you.

 

[kayte]

It's All In The Name

A woman arrived at a party and, while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled, and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the two thing that I enjoy the most -- cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What your name?" she asked.
"B.J.," he answered. "B.J. Titsengolf."

Another Irish Joke

Paddy was waiting waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck rolled by loaded with of turf.
Paddy said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's dat," asked his friend.
"Send me lawn away to be cut."