Laughter is Contagious

[HoneyBearFarms]

Poor Ole

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that darn light in her face"

 

[justaguymass]

Mickey Mouse's divorce attorney says "You cant divorce Minnie because you say she is crazy!"

Mickey says "crazy, who said crazy, I said she was fuck'n Goofy!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The perfect man

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."

greeeeeeeeeeeeeat

 

[kayte]

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that darn light in her face"

Good afternoon HBF ~ That is great. Thank you for the

 

[kayte]

Mickey Mouse's divorce attorney says "You cant divorce Minnie because you say she is crazy!"

Mickey says "crazy, who said crazy, I said she was fuck'n Goofy!"

Good afternoon just ~ Now that is hysterical. Thank you so much. Hope to see you again.

 

[kayte]

Q & A About Men -- From The Woman's Perspective
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

 

[smoothdevil]

Q & A About Men -- From The Woman's Perspective
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

ha ha ha .... great ...

 

[kayte]

greeeeeeeeeeeeeat

ha ha ha .... great ...

Good evening {{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

Nice to know you are enjoying them.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Union Rules

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomp ed off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Lars Confession

One day, while fishing under the I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Lars made a confession.

"Ve all been friends for tirty years and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't vonna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you".

Lars thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts ta liv.

You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets.

I vanna be cremated. Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere ve've spent so much time together."

Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.

By Golly, six munts later, Lars up and died. They were standin'on the bridge with the ashes. Ole was about to trow them out when Sven stop him:

"Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says. "I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted.

Sven, he scratch his head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."

Ole, he tought about it a while and started trowing the ashes out over the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked vomen, You'd be here wit us.

 

[smoothdevil]

diagnostic computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."*


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies*


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.*


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.*


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:*


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."*


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.*

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.*


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results*.*


The computer prints the following:*


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)*

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)*

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.*

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.*

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

[kayte]

On The Balcony
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mom and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too."

 

[AbsintheFather]

Why we split up

Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back

 

[kayte]

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Bill decided to solve both of his problems. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife, making himself the beneficiary, and then hired an underworld figure to kill her.
The hit man, named Artie, explained that his price was $5,000.
Bill said he was more than happy to pay that much but he would have to use the money from his wife's insurance policy.
Artie insisted on a down payment in cash, so Bill opened his wallet and showed Artie the single, lonely dollar bill inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the down payment.
Artie followed Bill's wife to the local grocery, surprised her in the produce department and strangled her. As she slumped to the floor, the produce manager happened upon the scene.
Not wanting to leave a witness, Artie had no choice but to strangle him, too.
However, the entire proceeding was captured on video by the store's security system, the police were summoned, and Artie was arrested leaving the building.
Questioned by the police, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless Bill.
Which is why the next day's newspaper headline declared: "Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Safeway!"

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9f2yxleQI1qd0l6ao1_500.jpg

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9f6jgtHB01qd0l6ao1_500.jpg

 

[kayte]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomp ed off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Hi {{{{{HBD}}}}}}

That is great! Thank you. Hope you had a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

One day, while fishing under the I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Lars made a confession.

"Ve all been friends for tirty years and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't vonna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you".

Lars thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts ta liv.

You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets.

I vanna be cremated. Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere ve've spent so much time together."

Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.

By Golly, six munts later, Lars up and died. They were standin'on the bridge with the ashes. Ole was about to trow them out when Sven stop him:

"Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says. "I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted.

Sven, he scratch his head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."

Ole, he tought about it a while and started trowing the ashes out over the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked vomen, You'd be here wit us.

LOL Now that's a groaner too.

 

[kayte]

diagnostic computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."*


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies*


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.*


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.*


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:*


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."*


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.*

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.*


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results*.*


The computer prints the following:*


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)*

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)*

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.*

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.*

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Good afternoon {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}

Now that has me ROTFLMAO!

Hope you are having a marvelous Monday.

 

[kayte]

Mickey Mouse's divorce attorney says "You cant divorce Minnie because you say she is crazy!"

Mickey says "crazy, who said crazy, I said she was fuck'n Goofy!"

Good afternoon Just ~ I find this one quite funny. I giggle every time I read it.
Hope you had a fantastic weekend and are having a great week.

 

[kayte]

Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back

Hi AbsintheFather ~ Welcome to the thread and thank you for your funny.

It has me grinning! Hope you are having a wonderful afternoon.

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

Jogging in the 1970's

..........

 

[kayte]

http://www.eatliver.com/img/2010/6207.jpg

Hi {{{{{{DB}}}}}} That does put a grin on my face! And it takes me back.

 

[kayte]

Things Men Should Not Say During Childbirth

1. "Gosh, you're lucky; I wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth."

2. "Do you think the baby will come before the game starts?"

3. "I hope you're ready; the photographer I hired will be here in ten minutes."

4. "If you think this hurts, let me tell you about when I twisted my ankle."

5. "The kids called; do you have anything planned for dinner?"

6. "When you're on your back, you look like a python that just swallowed a wild pig."

7. "You don't want an epidural; just relax and enjoy the moment."

8. "This experience reminds me of that episode from I Love Lucy...."

9. "Stop your swearing and just breathe."

10. "Remember what we learned in Lamaze class? Hee, hee, hoo, hoo. You're not saying the right words."

11. "From the looks of your stomach, there's another one in there!"

 

[AbsintheFather]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9f2uvmNuG1qd0l6ao1_500.jpg