Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

OMG lol - too funny!!!!

Herbal essence orgasm for men

Good morning SD ~ That is absolutely marvelous. I am grinning big time. Thank you so much for sharing it. Hope you are having a wonderful day.

 

[smoothdevil]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender.
'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English --- they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

 

[smoothdevil]

More put downs....


1. "This officer doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier'."


13. "This officer would have to study for a month to pass a urine test."

greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[smoothdevil]

> Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason

Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

 

[kayte]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender.
'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English --- they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}}

ROTFLMAO! That is great! Thank you.

 

[done_got_old]

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister
Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' '

And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'

And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.''

Sister Catherine fainted.

 

[Raindear816]

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister
Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' '

And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'

And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.''

Sister Catherine fainted.

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excellent DGO!

 

[kayte]

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister
Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' '

And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'

And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.''

Sister Catherine fainted.

Good evening {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}
Thank you so much for that. It is absolutely hysterical!

 

[BeFun4me]

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.
Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

D'OH!

 

[kayte]

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.
Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time."

D'OH!

Hi BeFun ~ Welcome to the thread and thank you for your funny. That is great. Hope you are having a good time on Lit!

 

[BeFun4me]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

 

[kayte]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Good morning BeFun ~ That is priceless! Thank you.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Ole And Sven

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

 

[kayte]

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Happy Hump Day HBF ~ That is great! Hope you are having a wonderful one.

 

[kayte]

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Ole and Lena

Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

Lena said," That was incredible!"

Ole replied, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

Ole said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Thief River Falls, Minnesota and worked both sides of the river."

 

[darlinggirl1263]

Don't Mess with ...


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub."



Let's go for stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."



Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was
stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as
I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."


Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely
left his car parked and walked home. As he was
walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at
2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture."
The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture
at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the
man.

 

[jammin177]

Don't Mess with ...


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub."



Let's go for stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."



Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was
stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as
I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."


Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely
left his car parked and walked home. As he was
walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at
2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture."
The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture
at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the
man.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

 

[darlinggirl1263]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she screamed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all Men are Men.

 

[smoothdevil]

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

S U P E R .................

 

[smoothdevil]

COUNSELING SOUTHERN STYLE


Earl and Jim Bob are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and drinking beer when
suddenly Jim Bob says,

"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over Jim Bob.....women like that are hard to find.

 

[smoothdevil]

LADIES ENJOY:


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded,
$5,000 for a male brain;
$ 200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.


Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

 

[ga400us]

Paraprosdokian Sentences

Paraprosdokian Sentences ~ A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to your house of worship doesn't make you a religious person, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

[done_got_old]

You Gotta Be Shittin Me

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

[smoothdevil]

5 Pearls of Wisdom
==================

Money can't buy hapiness, but somehow it's much more
comfortable crying in a Porsche than a bicycle.

Forgive your enemny, but remember the fuckers name.

Help a person when they are in trouble, and they will
remember you when they are in trouble again.

Many people are alive only because it's illegal to
shoot them.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does
milk.