Laughter is Contagious

[Raindear816]

These are too funny not to share:

Mousetrap


Talking Dogs & Cats

 

[kayte]

It Begins Earlier Than We Thought

A little girl went up to a little boy at day care.
"Billy? Do you want to play house?"
Billy said, "Sure! What do I do?"
Sally said, "Communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said the bewildered boy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You be the husband!"

 

[kayte]

These are too funny not to share:

Mousetrap


Talking Dogs & Cats

Hi Rain ~ Thank you! Those are great. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

 

[smoothdevil]

The Rabbi is leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation, that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,

"Fuck him."

 

[kayte]

The Rabbi is leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation, that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,

"Fuck him."

Thank you {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

I'm LMAO!

 

[kayte]

1. Dreams (or Dead Man Walking)

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

2. What Does A Kiss Taste Like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out, Bobby! It's a piece of ass!"

3. Wendy

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Holy Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========


"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job." "Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in the exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas. There were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready or a long trip.." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

 

[ga400us]

3. Wendy

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

ONe of my all time favorites! Thanks for bringing this one back!!! {{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[kayte]

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========


"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job." "Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in the exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas. There were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready or a long trip.." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

Thank you so much {{{{{{HBF}}}}}} That is wonderful! Have a grand and glorious day.

 

[kayte]

ONe of my all time favorites! Thanks for bringing this one back!!! {{{{{kayte}}}}}

Hi {{{{{{ga}}}}}}

Have a fabulous day! Yes there are some that are always very good. Glad you enjoyed it.

 

[kayte]

Truth Will Out

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since high school. They discovered each other on Facebook and arranged to meet for lunch.
Rachel arrived first, wearing beige Versace, and ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis.
Clare arrived soon thereafter, wearing gray Chanel.
Samantha arrived last, wearing a faded Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. They all shared the Chablis.
Rachel explained that, after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton with a major in Classical Literature, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms, they live in a 4,000 square foot co-op on Fifth Avenue, with a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo. Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school.
Clare related that she graduated from Harvard Med and is now a Consulting Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker, they live in Southampton on Long Island, with a second home in Naples, Florida.
Samantha explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben, to grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park in California. Ben can stand five parrots side-by-side, on his willy.
Halfway through their third bottle, Rachel finally blurted out her husband wasn't really Tim, his name is Tom and he's a cashier at Wal-Mart, and they live in a small Brooklyn condo.
Clare, encouraged by Rachel's honesty, explained that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue, they live in Jersey City and their last vacation was at a motel in Orlando.
Samantha confessed that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Group Therapy

Moms in Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willie from school and go get dinner.

 

[kayte]

Aliens Invade Earth

Female aliens are invading the Earth, and kidnapping men who are well endowed.
Relax, you're not in any danger ...
I just emailed you to say GOODBYE!

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

...........

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

............

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

.............

 

[kayte]

Moms in Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willie from school and go get dinner.

Happy Hump Day {{{{{HBF}}}}}

Now those are great! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

Just in case..............Just a friendly warning for all the ladies out there. You may see this man in the parking lot of your local mall offering free mammograms. Don’t fall for it, it’s nothing but a scam. You can’t blame a guy for tryin’ though, can you? I'm sure we all figured that out right?



http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:vaR6I1x0raU3VM:http://www.free-dirty-jokes.com/images/mammogram-scam.jpg&t=1

Good afternoon {{{{{DB}}}}}

Thank you for all of the giggles and gafaws!

Have a Happy Hump Day!

 

[kayte]

A senior moment....

The Sunday Paper


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!", the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fuck ... I guess that's why no one was at church today."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

"To My Dear Wife"

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining

room table:


"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs

that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with

you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I

hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending

the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:


"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to

remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math

teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you

read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my

students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you

will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same

situation, there is one mathematical difference:


18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.


Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

























|

 

[kayte]

TGIF All!

Questions That Must Be Answered

1. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

2. What disease did cured ham actually have?

3. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

4. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

5. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

6. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

[kayte]

Happy Labor Day!

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.),the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

[kayte]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first health examination.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and, being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed.
"Breast-fed," the woman responded.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning for the woman to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[fukngroovn]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vppxu70Wojo

 

[done_got_old]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"