Laughter is Contagious

[newbiebabe]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for over 10 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a black bra, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing a black corset, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Raindear816]

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for over 10 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a black bra, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing a black corset, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

bwahahaahahahaha!! Oh Newbs, that was great!

 

[newbiebabe]

bwahahaahahahaha!! Oh Newbs, that was great!

thanks honey! I about laughed my head off when I heard it too.

 

[kayte]

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for over 10 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a black bra, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing a black corset, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Thank you newbie ~ That one has me LMAO! Hope you are having a marvelous Monday.

 

[kayte]

Double Humor

1. Giving Up Wine

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her purse, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," the woman said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
"That's okay," said the woman. "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

2. Women Are Giving

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So -- if you give her crap, you will get a bucket full of shit.

 

[DaemonOfSin]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Oh No; Not More Ponderisms

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why does cargo go by ship and shipments go by truck?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we call them hot water heaters, you don't need to heat hot water?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do 'tugboats push their barges?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

What should one call a male ladybird?

What would you use to dilute water?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

How can something be new and improved? If it's new, what was it improving on?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

How can you hear yourself think?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of ice skating rings?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for over 10 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a black bra, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing a black corset, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

A little different version of this one;

How to tell that you're married...

Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 

[ga400us]

Oldies but goodies. Thanks for reminding me of some brilliance!

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why does cargo go by ship and shipments go by truck?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we call them hot water heaters, you don't need to heat hot water?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do 'tugboats push their barges?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

What should one call a male ladybird?

What would you use to dilute water?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

How can something be new and improved? If it's new, what was it improving on?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

How can you hear yourself think?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of ice skating rings?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

 

[ga400us]

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Shit

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.


1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6.. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7.. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

 

[ga400us]

New Drugs For Women...

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases re sistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

 

[DaemonOfSin]

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

 

[ga400us]

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

LOL!! You forgot...
menace
mendacious
and...
menstrate.

 

[kayte]

1. How Many Feminists ... ?

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three:
-- One to screw it in,
-- One to complain about how the socket is being exploited, and
-- One to secretly wish she was the socket!

2. Showing Respect

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of them is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." His friend then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

3. Sex Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set time for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting - Turn the ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. This is important.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up where you can find them after muff-diving.
7. Have aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news (except 911).
10. Don't even think about "double dipping" (i.e. trying it twice)!

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

1. How Many Feminists ... ?

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three:
-- One to screw it in,
-- One to complain about how the socket is being exploited, and
-- One to secretly wish she was the socket!

2. Showing Respect

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of them is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." His friend then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

3. Sex Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set time for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting - Turn the ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. This is important.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up where you can find them after muff-diving.
7. Have aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news (except 911).
10. Don't even think about "double dipping" (i.e. trying it twice)!

Good Morning Kayte; Those are GREAT.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Hunger Vs. Viagra

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[kayte]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

TGIF {{{{{HBF}}}} That is marvelous. ROTFLMAO! Hope you have a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend.

 

[smoothdevil]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English: I Love You

Spanish: Te Amo

French: Je T'aime

German: Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

Italian: Ti Amo

Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia

Nice Tits, Get in the Truck

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

G R E A T ....... lol lol lol

 

[kayte]

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English: I Love You

Spanish: Te Amo

French: Je T'aime

German: Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

Italian: Ti Amo

Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia

Nice Tits, Get in the Truck

{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} Nice to see you! That is great, thank you!

 

[kayte]

1. Coming

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway!
He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he stood on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them.
Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? Didn't you hear my horn? I damned near ran over you!"
The man, with a satisfied look on his face, replied, "Look, pal, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. And you were the only one who had brakes!"

2. Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a medical t.v. show, I have found inner peace. It's true. A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Punglies, that mainder of bot Prozic and Alum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of choclits. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel! Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

 

[kayte]

1. Smart Arses!

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One of the men said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well ... Only two left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!

2. The Winner

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
"Oh my God!", said her husband. "What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

 

[smoothdevil]

These are actual quotes from the writings of high school students that they turned into their english teacher. Some are a real hoot.

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

7. Bright as Alaska in December.

8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.

9. Fell out of the family tree.

10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.

13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".

18. One burger short of a happy meal.

 

[ga400us]

Be advised. The AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the Rules
of Golf for Seniors:


Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into
the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall
grass, which groundskeepers failed to mow.


Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is
simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior
player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.


Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or
near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone
else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony
by charging himself or herself with a penalty.


Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.


Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in,
may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches
from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.


Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching
golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The
senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.


Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls
should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for
manufacturers' shortcomings.


Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new
golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior
golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old
equipment.


Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

 

[ga400us]

Beer - The Male Date-Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.