Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

I love it!!!!!!

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 

[ga400us]

Priceless!!!

The Lie-Detecting Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[ga400us]

Brilliant!

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).


He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.


So I did.'

 

[ga400us]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
______________________________

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________

One weekend morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started.
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.

 

[kayte]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
______________________________

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________

One weekend morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started.
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.

Good evening {{{{ga}}}}}} Thank you. Those are great. Hope you had a good week and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

In a small Texas town, the police arrested the local madam and seized her little black book, which listed all her girls.
Each officer on the small police force was assigned a group of names and ordered to check them out.
After a week, the chief held a meeting.
When he called on Detective Summers, Summers replied, "Chief, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to disqualify myself. One of the ladies I questioned is an eighty-four-year-old so charming that I've fallen in love with her."
"Tarnation, boy!" exclaimed the chief. "I'm surprised at you, Summers. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

 

[kayte]

1. Geologists

Geologists are the only men who can speak to their female colleagues using the words "dike," "thrust," "bed," "orogeny," "cleavage," and "subduction" in the same sentence without a civil lawsuit!

2. In Court

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."

3. Ordering A Meal For Delivery

A woman phoned an Indian restaurant and asked, "Do you deliver?"
The man on the phone replied, "No. We do chicken, lamb, beef, curry, tofu..."

4. Ouch!

A man and his wife watched a televised boxing match that quickly ended in a knockout.
The husband groaned. "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"
His wife replied, "Now you know how I feel!"

5. Golf Humor

A husband and wife were on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Help," she groaned to her husband.
He dialed 911 on his cellphone, talked a little, and then picked up his putter and started lining up his putt.
She raised her head off the grass and moaned, "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
He replied, "Don't worry, dear. The club located a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Did they say how long it will take him?" she asked.
"Not too long," said her husband, practicing his putting stroke. "Everybody's agreed he can play through!"

 

[ga400us]

In a small Texas town, the police arrested the local madam and seized her little black book, which listed all her girls.
Each officer on the small police force was assigned a group of names and ordered to check them out.
After a week, the chief held a meeting.
When he called on Detective Summers, Summers replied, "Chief, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to disqualify myself. One of the ladies I questioned is an eighty-four-year-old so charming that I've fallen in love with her."
"Tarnation, boy!" exclaimed the chief. "I'm surprised at you, Summers. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

Very cute! {{{{kayte}}}}

 

[ga400us]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price.'

 

[ga400us]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps*up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.* "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.* I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.* "I'm a complete failure.* I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.* When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.* I left my wallet in the cab I took home.* I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.* I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.* Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!* But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[kayte]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps*up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.* "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.* I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.* "I'm a complete failure.* I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.* When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.* I left my wallet in the cab I took home.* I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.* I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.* Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!* But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Good morning {{{{{GA}}}}} I love it, that is hysterical.

 

[ga400us]

Faigheann an Bhean Chéile bás - The wife dies

There was a man one time and he had a very bad-tempered wife who was always nagging at him. What happened but they went on holiday to Jerusalem. They weren't in that land too long when the wife died.

An undertaker told him, "You have two choices sir. You can send your wife back home to County Kerry for 5,000 Euros or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for 800 Euros. What is your choice ?"

The man thought for a little while and then he said that he would prefer to send the corpse back home and that the price didn't matter to him. The undertaker asked him, "In the name of God, boy, why - and the price for sending her home so much higher - don't you put her into the ground here ?"

The man answered, "Long ago a man was buried in this land and at the end of three days he rose again! I just can't take that chance"

 

[ga400us]

Good morning {{{{{GA}}}}} I love it, that is hysterical.

Good afternoon and you are very welcome. {{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[kayte]

There was a man one time and he had a very bad-tempered wife who was always nagging at him. What happened but they went on holiday to Jerusalem. They weren't in that land too long when the wife died.

An undertaker told him, "You have two choices sir. You can send your wife back home to County Kerry for 5,000 Euros or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for 800 Euros. What is your choice ?"

The man thought for a little while and then he said that he would prefer to send the corpse back home and that the price didn't matter to him. The undertaker asked him, "In the name of God, boy, why - and the price for sending her home so much higher - don't you put her into the ground here ?"

The man answered, "Long ago a man was buried in this land and at the end of three days he rose again! I just can't take that chance"

Hi {{{{{Ga}}}}}}

That one has me LMAO!

 

[whalee]

Thanks for all the grins.

 

[kayte]

Two Brothers

There once were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't!"

 

[kayte]

When did this happen?

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Ponderisms

Can you slam a revolving door?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?

Can you read a picture book?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of children's Tylenol? I mean, really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!

If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

What shape is the sky?

If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

What is it a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?

Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??

Why do blacklights look purple?

Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?

Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?

How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten commandments is "thou shall not steal"?

Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?

Isn't it weird that if you rearrange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?

If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?

You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?

Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?

If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?

Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?

If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?

Can bald people get a hair line fracture?

Why do they put holes in crackers?

Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?

If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?

 

[kayte]

Can you slam a revolving door?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?

Can you read a picture book?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of children's Tylenol? I mean, really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!

If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

What shape is the sky?

If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

What is it a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?

Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??

Why do blacklights look purple?

Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?

Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?

How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten commandments is "thou shall not steal"?

Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?

Isn't it weird that if you rearrange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?

If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?

You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?

Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?

If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?

Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?

If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?

Can bald people get a hair line fracture?

Why do they put holes in crackers?

Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?

If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?

Good morning {{{{{Honey}}}}}

Thank you. Those are great! Happy Hump Day!

 

[ga400us]

Two Brothers

There once were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't!"

ROFLMAO!!! {{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

More Ponderisms

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

Why is it that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

Why was the show called unsolved mysteries? If they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

Do penguins have knees?

Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?

If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?

If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?

Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?

You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?

Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state "Caution: May Cause Drowsiness"?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?

When the French swear do they say pardon my English?

Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?

How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?

Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

Why are the red buttons always the most important?

Why is it when your sleeping it's called drool but when your awake its called spit?

If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?

If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?

If ketchup is good on French fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?

 

[kayte]

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

Why is it that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

Why was the show called unsolved mysteries? If they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

Do penguins have knees?

Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?

If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?

If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?

Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?

You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?

Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state "Caution: May Cause Drowsiness"?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?

When the French swear do they say pardon my English?

Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?

How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?

Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

Why are the red buttons always the most important?

Why is it when your sleeping it's called drool but when your awake its called spit?

If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?

If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?

If ketchup is good on French fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?

{{{{{Honey}}}}}} Thank you! Those are wonderful!

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Even More Ponderisms

Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?

Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?

Who was in the kitchen with Dina?

Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?

Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?

Do babies produce more spit than adults?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?

Do cows have calf muscles?

Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?

If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?

If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

Why is most lunchmeat bigger than or a different shape than the bread?

Have ex-punsters been expunged?

Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

And Most Important of All; Why is May 9th a Special Day?

Because it's my Birthday and that's the TRUTH!!!!

 

[kayte]

English is a tough language....

1. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." (Harrumph!)

2. In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." (What the f...?)

3. In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." (I always do that.)

4. In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." (I always do that, too! Hehehe!)

5. In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." (I take it she removes the "bulges".)

6. On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a frim's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." (Huh?)

7. On a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." (I guess this means you can't throw a fit in the basement.)

8. In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." (I bet the security cam monitors show up early and leave late.)

9. In Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." (And do you, Sherry, take this man and his tent...")

10. In Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Did I mention that I own a laundry in Rome? Hehehe!)

 

[kayte]

Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?

Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?

Who was in the kitchen with Dina?

Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?

Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?

Do babies produce more spit than adults?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?

Do cows have calf muscles?

Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?

If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?

If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

Why is most lunchmeat bigger than or a different shape than the bread?

Have ex-punsters been expunged?

Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

And Most Important of All; Why is May 9th a Special Day?

Because it's my Birthday and that's the TRUTH!!!!

Hi {{{{{{HBF}}}}}} Thank you for the funnies!

Sorry we missed your birthday this year. Hope it was a happy one.