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Laughter is Contagious

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Sloppykitten said:
*Can't remember if I posted this one yet or not :confused: *

...

"Will I get away with it?"
Click to expand...
LMFAO!!!

... something tells me she will...!
 
kayte said:
Biker Humor

...

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Click to expand...
Thank God ... that's true!
 
From rozezwild ...

This picture is not doctored. Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army sergeant!

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made the air way through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Priceless.jpg
 
techsan said:
From rozezwild ...

This picture is not doctored. Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.

So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army sergeant!

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made the air way through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Priceless.jpg
Click to expand...
Great find, hilarious!
 
Jon & Jenny

Jon and Jennie are getting ready for bed. Jennie is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Jon," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!"

She turns to face Jon and says, "Jon, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jon studies Jennie critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.
 
Old Lady Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it
was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location!

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left
breast, Why do you ask?"

Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
 
Fingers...

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2006. Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
 
techsan said:
Fingers...

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2006. Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Click to expand...


ROTFLMAO :D

That is priceless!

Thank you {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}} :kiss:
 
techsan said:
Old Lady Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it
was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location!

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left
breast, Why do you ask?"

Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
Click to expand...


Groans............ ;)
 
techsan said:
Jon & Jenny

Jon and Jennie are getting ready for bed. Jennie is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Jon," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!"

She turns to face Jon and says, "Jon, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jon studies Jennie critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.
Click to expand...

Oh my! You are really on a roll cutie!! :D
 
Got this from my Dad!

NEW LAW COMING FROM CONGRESS -- AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as major legislation by advocates for the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle manager" positions will be created, with important sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation also provides for substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, such as discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skill, talent or experience which relates to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
But I like it too!

This one is for the guys.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge
of men and women differ so much. And I never have
figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife
and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she
eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want
you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on
the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in
touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you
just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen
that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off
of work to spend time with her. We went out to a
nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry
department where she picked out pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I
started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the
cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch
with my financial means as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just
when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
 
kayte said:
NEW LAW COMING FROM CONGRESS -- AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (AWNAA)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is
...
new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Click to expand...
LMFAO! Good one, kayte! I've worked with a bunch of these people ... loved being bossed by one --- tho' he did have one ability. The ability to kill any suggestion of a better way to do something.
 
kayte said:
This one is for the guys.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge
of men and women differ so much. And I never have
figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife
and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she
eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want
you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on
the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in
touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you
just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen
that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off
of work to spend time with her. We went out to a
nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry
department where she picked out pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I
started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the
cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch
with my financial means as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just
when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Click to expand...
ROTFLMAO ... prolly he's not having sex for many nights ... at least not with his wife. He might have made a point but he FORGOT that women NEVER forget! He's got two choices: get a divorce -or- hang IT up to dry!
 
Too many people to quote! My eyes are tearing and my sides hurt from laughing! Thanks!
 
this sums it up ...


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 
techsan said:
this sums it up ...


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Click to expand...
OMFG...

Thank you for this post, I REALLY need all the laughter I can get right now...
 
techsan said:
this sums it up ...


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Click to expand...


It is now crystal clear!! :D
 
kayte said:
This one is for the guys.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge
of men and women differ so much. And I never have
figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife
and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she
eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want
you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on
the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in
touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you
just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen
that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off
of work to spend time with her. We went out to a
nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry
department where she picked out pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I
started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the
cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch
with my financial means as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just
when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Click to expand...

OHHHHH Kayte....I love this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO
 
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