Laughter is Contagious

[limiwa]

meow

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



ate the cookies...............



drank the milk..............



sh*t on the paper....................



screwed the other three cats.....................



claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

 

[done_got_old]

To the best of my knowledge, we never had twice a day deliver in Texas (where I was born and raised). If we did, it escapes me.

I remember 19 cent gasoline, $1500 new Chevies, 10 cent hamburgers (and even nickle hamburgers when they had a special), 2 cent first class stamps. I remember Grandpa buying ice in 50 pound blocks delivered every other day (when a refrigerator really was an "ice box"). I remember nickle Cokes in 6 ounce bottles and you had to pull them out of the ice water with your hand - oh, that was cold! I remember milk and other dairy products being delivered right to your door. I remember when anybody would bend over to pick up a penny instead of just kicking it away like now.

Good memories aren't they! I grew up here in St. Louis. In high school I'd leave home at seven in the morning going to band practice before football games. I wouldn't get home until late evening. No one worried. We didn't have cell phones to call home. The freedom that we enjoyed was wonderful. Even in elementary school we walked to the library and back. We went to the movie theater almost every Saturday. No one worried until it got dark, but we had been conditioned to by then.

 

[limiwa]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[limiwa]

A little girl goes up to her mother and asks if she may take the dog for a walk around the block on the leash. Her mother replies: "No, you may not. The dog is in heat". The little girl asks what that means and her mother says: "Go out to the garage and ask your father". Entering the garage, the girl tells her father what her mother said. The father says he has a solution to the problem. He opens the container of gasoline and rubs some on the dog's rear end. When he is finished, he tells his daughter to take the dog for a walk on the leash but only once around the block. A short while later, the daughter returns carrying the leash but there is no dog. Her father asked where the dog was. She replied: "Oh, she ran out of gas halfway around but that's okay because another dog is pushing her home".

 

[limiwa]

How to Call the POLice

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and
he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when
available.

George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
The police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT...

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Thought provoking! Some of us are really ancient old fossils!!!
This is great and check out the old cars.

How old is Grandma???
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/FromNell1.jpg

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/FromNell2.jpg

There was no:

' radar
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/FromNell3.jpg

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until a man was 25, he called every man older than himself, "Sir". And after he turned 25, he still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and !
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/FromNell4.jpg

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

This Woman would be only 58 years old

 

[techsan]

A little girl goes up to her mother and asks if she may take the dog for a walk around the block on the leash. Her mother replies: "No, you may not. The dog is in heat". The little girl asks what that means and her mother says: "Go out to the garage and ask your father". Entering the garage, the girl tells her father what her mother said. The father says he has a solution to the problem. He opens the container of gasoline and rubs some on the dog's rear end. When he is finished, he tells his daughter to take the dog for a walk on the leash but only once around the block. A short while later, the daughter returns carrying the leash but there is no dog. Her father asked where the dog was. She replied: "Oh, she ran out of gas halfway around but that's okay because another dog is pushing her home".

ROTFLMFAO!

 

[Gypsybyrd]

as heard on 'Car Talk'

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS
From: Burr Vail


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
Looks like a rat... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown — 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE EVER:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

 

[wally2450]

Poor Burglar

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

LMFAO!

 

[techsan]

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS
From: Burr Vail


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
Looks like a rat... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown — 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE EVER:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

ROTFLMAO...I thought sure it would be hubby that knew everything...LMAO!!!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely... See If You Can Spot which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.







http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/BirdSex.gif

 

[wally2450]

Execution

 

[Gypsybyrd]

From limiwa ...

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely... See If You Can Spot which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.







http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/BirdSex.gif

I can't resist ... the female is the one standing there quietly while the male one is insisting that they are not lost ... or explaining why he deserves to go out with his friends for the night.

 

[techsan]

I can't resist ... the female is the one standing there quietly while the male one is insisting that they are not lost ... or explaining why he deserves to go out with his friends for the night.

LMFAO!!! I am SURE you have that right.

 

[techsan]

The Dentist

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull your tooth out...

 

[Highsided]

The Dentist

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull your tooth out...

LMAO, bloody hilarious, thankyou

 

[kayte]

Follow The Directions


A man's wife became more and more cold to him. He loved her dearly and didn't want to do anything to hurt her feelings, so he asked his doctor what to do.


The doctor said, "Well, I could let you try this experimental pill I have."


"Great, Doc! I'll try anything!"


"Okay," said the doctor. "Slip one of these pills into her coffee tonight at dinner. By bedtime, you should see a reaction. But remember: they're strong, so only give her one!"


That night, at dinner, when she wasn't looking, he slipped one of the tiny pills into her coffee. But then he thought, "She's been so cold lately and these things are so small, maybe one's not enough?" So he slipped in another. Then he remembered the doctor said they were strong. "Hmm," he thought. "Maybe two is too many? I'd better put one in my coffee, just in case."


That night, in bed, wife rolled over, cuddled him and said, "Honey, tonight I need a man."


"Me, too!" he replied.

 

[wally2450]

Bush at the pearly gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

 

[Highsided]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

LMAO, perfect.

 

[techsan]

Follow The Directions


A man's wife became more and more cold to him. He loved her dearly and didn't want to do anything to hurt her feelings, so he asked his doctor what to do.


The doctor said, "Well, I could let you try this experimental pill I have."


"Great, Doc! I'll try anything!"


"Okay," said the doctor. "Slip one of these pills into her coffee tonight at dinner. By bedtime, you should see a reaction. But remember: they're strong, so only give her one!"


That night, at dinner, when she wasn't looking, he slipped one of the tiny pills into her coffee. But then he thought, "She's been so cold lately and these things are so small, maybe one's not enough?" So he slipped in another. Then he remembered the doctor said they were strong. "Hmm," he thought. "Maybe two is too many? I'd better put one in my coffee, just in case."


That night, in bed, wife rolled over, cuddled him and said, "Honey, tonight I need a man."


"Me, too!" he replied.

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[done_got_old]

Follow The Directions


A man's wife became more and more cold to him. He loved her dearly and didn't want to do anything to hurt her feelings, so he asked his doctor what to do.


The doctor said, "Well, I could let you try this experimental pill I have."


"Great, Doc! I'll try anything!"


"Okay," said the doctor. "Slip one of these pills into her coffee tonight at dinner. By bedtime, you should see a reaction. But remember: they're strong, so only give her one!"


That night, at dinner, when she wasn't looking, he slipped one of the tiny pills into her coffee. But then he thought, "She's been so cold lately and these things are so small, maybe one's not enough?" So he slipped in another. Then he remembered the doctor said they were strong. "Hmm," he thought. "Maybe two is too many? I'd better put one in my coffee, just in case."


That night, in bed, wife rolled over, cuddled him and said, "Honey, tonight I need a man."


"Me, too!" he replied.

http://forums.site5.com/images/smilies/roflmao.gif

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

 

[wally2450]

Gwb

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member.
His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell the whole of the "Right" was there everyone laughing happy casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, whom he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great; it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

 

[limiwa]

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member.
His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell the whole of the "Right" was there everyone laughing happy casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, whom he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great; it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

HA! roflmfao

 

[limiwa]

30 reasons to smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. <-- I like this one!!

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. <-- Good one for work eh?

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.