Laughter is Contagious

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techsan said:
Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
LMAO!!!!!!!!! I think I'm scared to answer some of these! :D :D
 
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
 
techsan said:
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
Oh helllllllllllll.............I should have known better!!!!!!!!!! :D
 
Letter to soon to be Husband

Dear soon-to-be husband,
I thank you whole-heartedly for considering me to be
your future wife.
We have a very bright future ahead of us, and it can
be even brighter if you take note to a few things that
are a part of what makes a marriage between a man and
a woman work and become successful. Please take the
time to read over the conditions below that I have
set-forth for you.

1. I will not do any dishes by hand, if you expect me
to do dishes, either hire a maid or buy a ishwasher.
You can locate one at any appliance store between $200
and $400.

2. I will not wash your laundry in the bathtub while
you work over-time to save up for a washer. I will not
pack wet clothes into a laundry basket and tote it to
any clothes line. I must have a working washer
and dryer to do laundry. If you expect me to pack our
dirty laundry into my vehicle and take it to a public
Laundromat, you can do it yourself....3 towns away
where no one knows us.

3. I will not get on my hands and knees to scrub any
floors. I must have a Swiffer mop and Swiffer broom
if you expect to have clean floors.
That manual stuff is for the birds...or you can again,
hire a maid.

4. I will not clean up after your friends at anytime
during our marriage. If they make a mess be it puke,
piss or simply leaving their glass on the coffee
table....it's your responsibility and not mine!

5. I will not entertain your folks while you skip out
on me. If your folks come over for the day or the
weekend, I expect you to give me the Neiman Marcus
card and JC Penny card so that I may go on an all day
shopping venture or at least the Master Card so that I
can rent a room in the town's finest hotel. There is
no way I am doing your job for you!

6. I will not take out the trash. If you won't do it,
look forward to repairing the garbage disposal in the
sink because that is where the tv remote, your cell
phone, your car keys, and your baseball cards will go
if I EVER have to ask you to take out the trash
more than once!

7. I am not about to stoop over and pick up your
clothing from the floor. If you leave your clothes on
the floor and they are not placed in the laundry
hamper, I will politely donate them to the Good Will
or to some other agency...I don't care if you did
driveto one hundred different stores to find your
favorite shirt.

8. I will not tolerate your neglect to flush after you
use the bathroom. I don't like sitting on a pissy
toilet seat or having dirty water splashing up on my
ass so if you want to avoid me taking a piss on
you...you'll flush! Plain and simple!

9. You are responsible for paying 70% of the bills. I
pay less because society, after all these years, is
still critical of a woman in the workplace, therefore
you make more then me. Every time you get a raise,
you get another bill.

10. Sex is something that we should both enjoy.
Therefore when I say I don't feel like it, don't ask
me again later.
For every time you ask me for sex, after I have told
you once that I don't feel like it, is another day you
don't get any. If I ask you for sex and you put me
off, your friend gets it and you still don't get any.

Sincerely.
Your soon-to-be Wife :rose:
 
DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Hebrews.gif

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'".
 
PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
______________________________________________________
AND THEY ARE BEING TRUSTED TO PREPARE OUR FOOD?????

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.

He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
DO THEY EVER THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK???

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked. "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
DO THEY EVER THINK???

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
STRANGE PEOPLE SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

WHERE WAS SHE MENTALLY???

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
WHERE WAS HE LAST NIGHT???

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE
 
Last edited:
techsan said:
From limiwa ...


OCEAN VIEW ~ I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures but the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.

I tried for a while, I can't see any stupid ocean! Try it for yourself.








http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/OpticalI1.jpg


What ocean??? i see drool and a mess on my fingers ;)
 
Life as a Hen...

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....You've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Kenny. "Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"
 
Murphy missed a few LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know ncreases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Uh-Huh

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. BINGO!
 
techsan said:
DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Hebrews.gif

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'".
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D
 
techsan said:
PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
techsan said:
From limiwa ...


OCEAN VIEW ~ I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures but the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.

I tried for a while, I can't see any stupid ocean! Try it for yourself.








http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/OpticalI1.jpg
*fans self* I see something rippling :devil: :catroar:
 
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch
 
Smoking Dope'll Do That To Ya

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says..... "Fuuuuuuuuck..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!"
 
An attractive young woman tries to enter her local church, topless ....

The priest stops her at the door. "You can't come in here dressed like that, Miss" he says.

She says "But I have a divine right!"

The priest, looking down at her ample breasts, says "And you've got an equally divine left, my dear, but you still can't come in here like that!"

:D
 
higherlevel4u said:
An attractive young woman tries to enter her local church, topless ....

The priest stops her at the door. "You can't come in here dressed like that, Miss" he says.

She says "But I have a divine right!"

The priest, looking down at her ample breasts, says "And you've got an equally divine left, my dear, but you still can't come in here like that!"

:D
ROFLMAO!
 
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