Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

Thank you dear and it was soooooooooooo good and i bet it will be better tomorrow

chili's always better the next day ... that is, if there are left overs...my sister has taught me to fix larger pots and have "planned overs" ... LOL

Spent a night in Albuquerque once; got into town late, few places open to eat. Stopped at a Dairy Queen and lo and behold, they had enchilidas on the menu. I love enchiladas so I ordered some, covered in chili, of course. Took a bite ... and my next breath set the place on fire. Took three weeks for my system to recover. Damn, was that good!

 

[techsan]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
"Shit!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed, scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

So the woman answers: "Oh, yeah!! And why were you fucking running? You son of a bitch!"

 

[techsan]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

 

[techsan]

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

 

[Jail]

10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

 

[Jail]

Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[Jail]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[wally2450]

Cat

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a
sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard
a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It
was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of
the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming,
"You killed my cat!!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail,
and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll
of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately
blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a
ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All for retailing pussy in a residential
area....

 

[wally2450]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Hahaha!

 

[rozezwild]

chili's always better the next day ... that is, if there are left overs...my sister has taught me to fix larger pots and have "planned overs" ... LOL

Spent a night in Albuquerque once; got into town late, few places open to eat. Stopped at a Dairy Queen and lo and behold, they had enchilidas on the menu. I love enchiladas so I ordered some, covered in chili, of course. Took a bite ... and my next breath set the place on fire. Took three weeks for my system to recover. Damn, was that good!

Those are the bestest in the world

Oh left overs -- i used to cook for 15 people -- theres leftovers lots of it in the freezer -- i make it into serving sized portions for the kiddo and me

 

[techsan]

10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

ROTFLMAO...I've experienced 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 but never checked the Richter Scale readings nor hit the trampoline effect ... well, maybe it was because I didn't have a service contract on my mattress...LOL Sure would like to experience a few of these a little more often..!!!

 

[techsan]

Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

ROTFLMAO

now that's impressive!

 

[techsan]

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a
sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard
a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It
was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of
the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming,
"You killed my cat!!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail,
and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll
of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately
blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a
ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All for retailing pussy in a residential
area....

ROTFL

 

[wally2450]

You know you are a drunkass...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

 

[wally2450]

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine
"Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!"

I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you don't
understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me
a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too." Then I told him after I was married, Sex
left me. He said "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him around
the town. A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the
alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!

 

[techsan]

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
...
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

That is too, too funny!

 

[techsan]

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine
...

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!

That's rich! LMAO

 

[techsan]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

 

[techsan]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

[techsan]

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

[BlackWolf65]

ROTFLMFAOOOOOOOO...

And I've hooked up with someone who talks about how she goes "all redneck" sometimes...

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

[techsan]

More redneck stuff ...

'Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!
adenoids..... Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia... Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid...... aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel........ A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis... dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........ Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema........ sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester....... yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital...... head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic... huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram..... short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery..... place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure...... Emperore of Rome.
series....... tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles.... books of the Bible
tumor........ how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

 

[rozezwild]

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [x_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _36___ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [x_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ___?_ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Hell screw filling it out -- I resemble some of those remarks Techie

 

[rozezwild]

More redneck stuff ...

'Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!
adenoids..... Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia... Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid...... aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel........ A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis... dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........ Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema........ sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester....... yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital...... head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic... huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram..... short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery..... place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure...... Emperore of Rome.
series....... tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles.... books of the Bible
tumor........ how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

OMG i am so stealin this ans sending to my stupid ass brother

 

[pleaz_me]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
"Shit!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed, scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

So the woman answers: "Oh, yeah!! And why were you fucking running? You son of a bitch!"

OMG! I need that laugh!!!!! Thanks (((((((((Tech)))))))