Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

Why housebound??? I think I'd go stir-crazy Especially after the nice long trip you just took!

A combination of arthritis and gout have my knees and ankles virtually useless and my left hand is nearly as bad ... makes keyboarding a pain ... and yeah, I'm about to go crazy. Fortunately I don't have that far to go...LMAO

 

[pleaz_me]

A combination of arthritis and gout have my knees and ankles virtually useless and my left hand is nearly as bad ... makes keyboarding a pain ... and yeah, I'm about to go crazy. Fortunately I don't have that far to go...LMAO

((((((hugz)))))) I'm sorry to hear, sounds like a pretty bad deal all around... as for your crazy habits... you wouldn't be you if you didn't have that little bit of it in you

 

[techsan]

I have to admit this one made me feel better. I remember some of this chili ... mm, good stuff. Cleans out your sinuses ... come to think of it, cleans out everything!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park.

Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Hartford, Connecticut .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest I'm getting sh** faced from all
of the beer.



CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?



CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge .! . 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Scr*w them.



CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb

Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.



CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing. It's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach



CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report

 

[done_got_old]

Roflmao

 

[wally2450]

Parrot-hope no repost

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[rozezwild]

I have to admit this one made me feel better. I remember some of this chili ... mm, good stuff. Cleans out your sinuses ... come to think of it, cleans out everything!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park.

Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Hartford, Connecticut .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.




CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report

Pass the beer and the chili

 

[techsan]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
...
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

ROTFLMAO

 

[techsan]

Pass the beer and the chili

Here you go ... uh, breathe the fire the other way, will ya, till I get the beer pulled...you're heatin' up the whole keg!

 

[wally2450]

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float!

 

[wally2450]

Beverley Computer-billies

Sing this to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beverly Computer-billies

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
(Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...)

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
(Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...)

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
(OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...)

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers were getting’ mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
(Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...)

Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
(Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...)

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)
Y'all come back now... ya hear'

 

[wally2450]

Smart Kid

Smart Kid...



A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"


The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.



The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.



Harry was brought in and the
cond! itions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"


And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grader should know.



The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."


The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"


The principal and Harry both agree.


Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"


Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"


Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open! really wide and before he could stop the
answer...) Harry: "Coconut"


Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"


Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"


Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"


Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up.
I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"


Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first."
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"


Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver." Harry: "Arrow"


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!

 

[techsan]

Sing this to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beverly Computer-billies
...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
(Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...)
Y'all come back now... ya hear'

OOoooooooooooooooooooo! I would laugh at this if it wasn't more true-to-life than fiction.

 

[techsan]

Smart Kid...


...
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!

ROTFLMAO

 

[wally2450]

Condoms req'd

 

[pleaz_me]

I have to admit this one made me feel better. I remember some of this chili ... mm, good stuff. Cleans out your sinuses ... come to think of it, cleans out everything!
........
Judge .. 3 - No Report[/B][/COLOR]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

I love it! well, everything except the padding...LOL

 

[pleaz_me]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help.
.......
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[pleaz_me]

Smart Kid...

.............

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!

*hits head* I don't think I got ANY right!

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

Now that gas cost so much and you have to fix your horse.

 

[pleaz_me]

Now that gas cost so much and you have to fix your horse.

*catching breath*

LMAO!!!!!!!!

 

[omahaman2]

Oman and his jenny were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Jenny got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 

[pleaz_me]

Oman and his jenny were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Jenny got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d36/robertota/111.gifWay to go girl!

 

[rozezwild]

Here you go ... uh, breathe the fire the other way, will ya, till I get the beer pulled...you're heatin' up the whole keg!

Thank you dear and it was soooooooooooo good and i bet it will be better tomorrow

 

[Highsided]

Oman and his jenny were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

Jenny got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

LMAO
Laughed so hard coffee stains all over keyboard & monitor

 

[rozezwild]

LMAO
Laughed so hard coffee stains all over keyboard & monitor

Wait till it is Pepsi spewed all over the screen -- they get me all the time


Night