Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Took awhile to catch up! Those were all hilarious!
http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f258/bunyaspliff/rofl.gif
http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f258/bunyaspliff/rofl.gif
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
New Porsche
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss,
"Where did you get that car???!!!"...........
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for
fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just
moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother to the boy's father, "John, you go right up
there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and
found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the
father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he
was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with
his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what!) (ouch)
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss,
"Where did you get that car???!!!"...........
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for
fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just
moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother to the boy's father, "John, you go right up
there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and
found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the
father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he
was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with
his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what!) (ouch)
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
These may pun-nish you
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
7. Patient: "Doc, I simply can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor: "That sounds like it might be 'Tom Jones' syndrome!"
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual!"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman...The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage pants at Wal-Mart the other day but damn!
I just couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "Of course you can't, you idiot! I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
7. Patient: "Doc, I simply can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor: "That sounds like it might be 'Tom Jones' syndrome!"
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual!"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman...The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage pants at Wal-Mart the other day but damn!
I just couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "Of course you can't, you idiot! I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Last edited:
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." [She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.]
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" [Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" [This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." [She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.]
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" [Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" [This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Rebel Rose
Edge of a Broken Heart
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2005
- Posts
- 4,820
Just wanted to say ... I LOVE THIS THREAD!
I come and read a few pages every now and then when I have a bad day. It always cheers me up! Thank you techsan for starting this thread!
I come and read a few pages every now and then when I have a bad day. It always cheers me up! Thank you techsan for starting this thread!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Coyote problem
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming
ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It
seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried
and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane"
solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured
alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY
proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the
back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I
don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes
ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming
ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It
seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried
and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane"
solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured
alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY
proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the
back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I
don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes
ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Thanks for the note, Rose. It cheers me up to know that we made somebody laugh. Please let us know when you drop by...that makes us all feel better.Rebel Rose said:Just wanted to say ... I LOVE THIS THREAD!
I come and read a few pages every now and then when I have a bad day. It always cheers me up! Thank you techsan for starting this thread!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From dee957 ...
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Following is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Printer.jpg
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Following is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Printer.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From dee957 ....
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From dee957 ...
PHYSICAL EXAM
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination.
Whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: "Bob do we still have intercourse?"
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times... we have Blue Cross!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Oldsters.jpg
PHYSICAL EXAM
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination.
Whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: "Bob do we still have intercourse?"
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times... we have Blue Cross!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Oldsters.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From dee957 ...
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches
a woman sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine13.jpg
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches
a woman sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Maxine13.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
- Status
