Laughter is Contagious

[copperbutterfly]

LMAO REDNECK JOKES

Something different!



Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said,

"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two
words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.

 

[techsan]

LMAO REDNECK JOKES

Something different!



Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said,

...

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.

ROTFLMAO

I could almost see that one cumming.

 

[copperbutterfly]

Another?

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's
that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home,
feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being
too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your time away, and chase anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
Hear, Hear!

 

[techsan]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's
that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home,
feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being
too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your time away, and chase anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
Hear, Hear!

Copper, I LOVE IT!! Especially finishing off as an orgasm. What a way to go!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Copper, I LOVE IT!! Especially finishing off as an orgasm. What a way to go!

Oh indeed the best way to go!

How are you doing? Looking forward to a good weekend?

 

[pleaz_me]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's
that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
............
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
Hear, Hear!

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!​

I second that motion!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

Oh indeed the best way to go!

How are you doing? Looking forward to a good weekend?

I'm doing fine, thanks...just the usual weekend things, nothing special. Now if you'd like to come over, you could make it SPECIAL!

 

[techsan]

Redneck house alarm

 

[techsan]

Redneck Jet Ski

 

[techsan]

Redneck Limousine

 

[copperbutterfly]

I'm doing fine, thanks...just the usual weekend things, nothing special. Now if you'd like to come over, you could make it SPECIAL!

hmmmmm....

 

[omahaman2]

A wandering monk walked barefoot everywhere he went, to the point that the soles of his feet eventually became quite thick and leathery. And because he ate very little, he gradually became very frail. Several days often passed between opportunities to brush his teeth, so he usually had bad breath. Therefore, throughout the region, he came to be known as the super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

 

[pleaz_me]

A wandering monk walked barefoot everywhere he went, to the point that the soles of his feet eventually became quite thick and leathery. And because he ate very little, he gradually became very frail. Several days often passed between opportunities to brush his teeth, so he usually had bad breath. Therefore, throughout the region, he came to be known as the super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

ROFL!!!!! I think I will have this image embedded now whenever I hear this song

 

[omahaman2]

This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?" The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ." "Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted. "But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted. "Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes." "Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked. "Yes." "Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the bottle.

About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song. The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"

The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna crap!"

 

[techsan]

This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?" The man
...
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna crap!"

LMAO!

 

[fathom7]

Just came across this -- gota chuckle -- let's see whose mind is dirtiest.


http://avatars.asianfanatics.net/albums/userpics/10001/blonde.gif

 

[sassy_girl1963]

Just came across this -- gota chuckle -- let's see whose mind is dirtiest.


http://avatars.asianfanatics.net/albums/userpics/10001/blonde.gif

Now I do have a very, very dirty mind.......that is so funny - loved it! Thank you for the laugh....and the visual ideal.....do wish I was a riding something - and not a Walmart kiddy toy!

 

[techsan]

Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses > to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will > want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy.)

 

[techsan]

The following was contributed by the delightful dee957:

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" Name and address withheld by request.

 

[copperbutterfly]

The following was contributed by the delightful dee957:

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" Name and address withheld by request.

TOO FUNNY....... and TOO TRUE.....

 

[kayte]

The following was contributed by the delightful dee957:

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" Name and address withheld by request.

Good evening {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}} Those are great sweetie. Thank you for sharing them.

 

[kayte]

Here's some funny signs for you!

Sign on a Plumbing Truck:
" A straight Flush always beats a full house.

********************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

******************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Good evening talikat ~ Those are all fantastic. I can't pick out one or even two that I think are the best.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

 

[techsan]

Redneck measuring tape....

 

[kayte]

Women Love Sensitive Men

LMAO!!!

Or as is said on another thread! That one needs a SPEW Alert!!

 

[kayte]

Oops.......

Thank you PM ~ I am ROTFLMAO!!!