Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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*rubs his funny boner erm.......I mean funny bone* 
omahaman2
Here's your sign
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- 18,171
THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL...
The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.
McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The phone book has only one page.
The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.
The New Year's baby was born in October.
The ZIP code is a fraction.
The city limits signs are both on the same post.
Second Street is in the next town over.
There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.
McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The phone book has only one page.
The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.
The New Year's baby was born in October.
The ZIP code is a fraction.
The city limits signs are both on the same post.
Second Street is in the next town over.
There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
*************************************************************
NEWS FLASH! - Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Indiana students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
****************************************************************
I thought that was the best of that hysterical post you put up {{{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}}
NEWS FLASH! - Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Indiana students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
****************************************************************
I thought that was the best of that hysterical post you put up {{{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}}
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
Some funny newspaper headlines, truth unknown:
1. Some are just slips of the tongue...
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
2. Some become unintentionally suggestive...
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
3. Grammar often botches other headlines...
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Officer's Fatal Accident Is His Second
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
4. Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended...
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
5. Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious...
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
1. Some are just slips of the tongue...
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
2. Some become unintentionally suggestive...
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
3. Grammar often botches other headlines...
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Officer's Fatal Accident Is His Second
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
4. Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended...
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
5. Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious...
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Idiots in Retail
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compare that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Idiots at Work
Sign in a gas station: Coke – 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Helth & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. Why? Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks that had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
Idiots Are Easy to Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots in Food Service
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
An Idiot’s Idiot
Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, “He’s lying.” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compare that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Idiots at Work
Sign in a gas station: Coke – 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Helth & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. Why? Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks that had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
Idiots Are Easy to Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots in Food Service
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
An Idiot’s Idiot
Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, “He’s lying.” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
RODEO EXHIBIT
A MAN TOOK HIS WIFE TO THE RODEO AND ONE OF THE FIRST EXHIBITS THEY
STOPPED AT WAS THE BREEDING BULLS.
THEY WENT UP TO THE FIRST PEN AND THERE WAS A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THE WIFE PLAYFULLY NUDGED HER HUSBAND IN THE RIBS AND SAID, "HE MATED
50 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THEY WALKED TO THE SECOND PEN WHICH HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID,
"THIS BULL MATED 120 TIMES LAST YEAR. "
THE WIFE GAVE HER HUSBAND A HEALTHY JAB AND SAID, "THAT'S MORE THAN
TWICE A WEEK! YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM HIM."
THEY WALKED TO THE THIRD PEN AND IT HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID, IN
CAPITAL LETTERS, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THE WIFE, SO EXCITED THAT HER ELBOW NEARLY BROKE HER HUSBAND'S RIBS,
SAID, "THAT'S ONCE A DAY. YOU COULD REALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS
ONE."
THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "GO OVER AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH
THE SAME COW."
NOTE: THE HUSBAND'S CONDITION HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM CRITICAL TO STABLE
AND HE SHOULD EVENTUALLY MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.
A MAN TOOK HIS WIFE TO THE RODEO AND ONE OF THE FIRST EXHIBITS THEY
STOPPED AT WAS THE BREEDING BULLS.
THEY WENT UP TO THE FIRST PEN AND THERE WAS A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THE WIFE PLAYFULLY NUDGED HER HUSBAND IN THE RIBS AND SAID, "HE MATED
50 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THEY WALKED TO THE SECOND PEN WHICH HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID,
"THIS BULL MATED 120 TIMES LAST YEAR. "
THE WIFE GAVE HER HUSBAND A HEALTHY JAB AND SAID, "THAT'S MORE THAN
TWICE A WEEK! YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM HIM."
THEY WALKED TO THE THIRD PEN AND IT HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID, IN
CAPITAL LETTERS, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
THE WIFE, SO EXCITED THAT HER ELBOW NEARLY BROKE HER HUSBAND'S RIBS,
SAID, "THAT'S ONCE A DAY. YOU COULD REALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS
ONE."
THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "GO OVER AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH
THE SAME COW."
NOTE: THE HUSBAND'S CONDITION HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM CRITICAL TO STABLE
AND HE SHOULD EVENTUALLY MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Modern Version of the Birds & Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at
a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at
a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
LMAO ... funny, Jaily!Jail said:RODEO EXHIBIT
A MAN TOOK HIS WIFE TO THE RODEO AND ONE OF THE FIRST EXHIBITS THEY
STOPPED AT WAS THE BREEDING BULLS.
...
THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "GO OVER AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH
THE SAME COW."
NOTE: THE HUSBAND'S CONDITION HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM CRITICAL TO STABLE
AND HE SHOULD EVENTUALLY MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
ROTFLMAO!Jail said:Modern Version of the Birds & Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at
a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Dumb Criminals
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman reporting her car stolen mentioned to the officer that there was a cell phone in her car. The officer called the phone and told the guy who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Oklahoma City a man was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. The assistant district attorney said the man was doing a fair job of defending himself
until the store manager testified against him. The man jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive} head off!" The defendant paused, then quickly added, "....If I'd been the one that was there." The jury convicted him in 20 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. He gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested him because the information they got back showed that he was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman reporting her car stolen mentioned to the officer that there was a cell phone in her car. The officer called the phone and told the guy who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Oklahoma City a man was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. The assistant district attorney said the man was doing a fair job of defending himself
until the store manager testified against him. The man jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive} head off!" The defendant paused, then quickly added, "....If I'd been the one that was there." The jury convicted him in 20 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. He gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested him because the information they got back showed that he was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.' "
"Granted. Next!"
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.' "
"Granted. Next!"
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
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- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
LMAO ... that's cruel but funny!!!Jail said:A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Saga of the Lions
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Detroit Lions football team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away - - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away - - ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph - - bulls-eye!
“I’ve got to get this guy!”, Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on the win the Super bowl for the first time in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says
“. . .I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Detroit Lions football team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away - - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away - - ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph - - bulls-eye!
“I’ve got to get this guy!”, Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on the win the Super bowl for the first time in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says
“. . .I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The Rules of Chocolate
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If callories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q.Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A.Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put «eat chocolate» at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If callories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q.Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A.Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put «eat chocolate» at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Jail
Mrs. Flameman
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 30,188
- Status
