Latest Submission 1 Bombed

[R. Richard]

After a great deal of thought, I wrote a Lesbian category story. I wrote it from the point of view of a male, observing a lesbian encounter. Since I am male, I felt that it was a legitimate attempt to explore the category. I wrote what I feel was a well written story.

Someone 1 bombed my story. I do not feel that 'A Different World' is a 1 level vote story. I needed a Lesbian category story for my Survivor Contest entry and I thought I had produced a reasonable effort.

I would appreciate feedback from Literotica editors. I am not so much interested in if you like the story or not, but in a realistic appraisal of the story as a Lesbian category story. TIA. A link follows.


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=173425

 

[logophile]

Hello!

I'm fairly new here, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in to answer your post. I write mostly lesbian erotica, and it's mostly what I choose to read, as well. I am glad you decided to write it from the perspective of someone watching, that was a nice twist.

As for placing it in the lesbian category... well, that's a bit touchy, isn't it? I will say that I'm not sure where else it would go, and I understand that you wrote it as a lesbian story for a reason. Your first sex scene isn't a lesbian scene, and while it's brief, it does leave a bit of an impression. The lesbian sex you do have is seen from a distance, so there's a lot of "I'm not sure, but I think" stuff going on in there. I understand where you're coming from on that, but it just might not make hot enough for the average lit reader.

One other thing that might be dragging the lesbians down (how many lesbians are actually reading our erotica here at lit? I've often wondered if it's mostly married women wishing they'd lived a little more and men wishing they could watch...)... Before there's any sex, the main character (an 18 year old male) fights and saves the lesbian character. Women struggling for empowerment often don't like to be saved (and they seem to really hate when the help is actually NEEDED). Well, that's true for me and most of my friends anyway.

I don't think your story deserved a one! That's for sure! Good luck and I hope this helped a little! I feel like what I've said is terribly disjointed, but I'm in a hurry and wanted to reply...

 

[R. Richard]

Hello!

I'm fairly new here, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in to answer your post. I write mostly lesbian erotica, and it's mostly what I choose to read, as well. I am glad you decided to write it from the perspective of someone watching, that was a nice twist.

As for placing it in the lesbian category... well, that's a bit touchy, isn't it? I will say that I'm not sure where else it would go, and I understand that you wrote it as a lesbian story for a reason. Your first sex scene isn't a lesbian scene, and while it's brief, it does leave a bit of an impression. The lesbian sex you do have is seen from a distance, so there's a lot of "I'm not sure, but I think" stuff going on in there. I understand where you're coming from on that, but it just might not make hot enough for the average lit reader.

One other thing that might be dragging the lesbians down (how many lesbians are actually reading our erotica here at lit? I've often wondered if it's mostly married women wishing they'd lived a little more and men wishing they could watch...)... Before there's any sex, the main character (an 18 year old male) fights and saves the lesbian character. Women struggling for empowerment often don't like to be saved (and they seem to really hate when the help is actually NEEDED). Well, that's true for me and most of my friends anyway.

I don't think your story deserved a one! That's for sure! Good luck and I hope this helped a little! I feel like what I've said is terribly disjointed, but I'm in a hurry and wanted to reply...

I never mind listening to people who will at least try to give me useful feedback and I thank you for your input!

My intent was to show a physically much superior male who uses his physical superiority in a good way to gain an entry point with a lesbian girl in whom he is interested. Not only does he gain an entry/introduction to the girl, he actually has sex with her. However, she, while physically inferior, never intended any sort of long term relationship and just uses the boy and throws him away. If the boy tries to use his physical superiority against either/both girls, he places himself on the same level as Dean, the villain. Thus Aubrey and Melissa are able to use social superiority to gain a victory over the physically superior male.

I thought and still think that my story 'A Different World' was a well crafted way for a male to write a lesbian story (he said, modestly). As you point out, the point of view is an original one and maybe a way that a man can really write a lesbian story.

The reason I have gone to this length in my explanation, is to possibly show to the coward who 1 bombed me that such a vote is not fair and probably reflects a missing of the point(s) of the story.

JMNTHO.

 

[rydia57]

lesbians different world

Hi,

I read your story. I'm not an editor, or anything, but I do love to write. I've also done a story from a male point of view... so I can kinda understand what you're going thru. Your story appears to me to be more a voyeuristic tale than lesbians. Or something from your opinion. I know you're a good writer, you have alot of stories there. You can see that at some points it doesn't flow or has a stop and start thing to it. The male character Gary I think, got aroused, what happened with him while he watched the girls making out? What happened when he went home? To say I just went home... was kinda not an ending or maybe there's more to the story? I liked the way he protected the girl, even tho' he liked her himself, so it was like a secret lust. I don't think you should have gotten a bomb whatever that is. I've been writing for the longest, but I've only submitted five stories to Lit. If you decide to rewrite, make yourself one of the girls and we can see more closely what they do and all. Hey, I'm not gay but I LOVE watching guys ... well do stuff, so for you to become one of the lesbians would be....totally wow! Let your imagination run wild!
Later,
El

 

[Guest]

Perhaps the Exhibistionist/Voyeur catagory would have been a better palce for it. Just a thought.

 

[R. Richard]

Re: lesbians different world

Hi,

I read your story. I'm not an editor, or anything, but I do love to write. I've also done a story from a male point of view... so I can kinda understand what you're going thru. Your story appears to me to be more a voyeuristic tale than lesbians. Or something from your opinion. I know you're a good writer, you have alot of stories there. You can see that at some points it doesn't flow or has a stop and start thing to it. The male character Gary I think, got aroused, what happened with him while he watched the girls making out? What happened when he went home? To say I just went home... was kinda not an ending or maybe there's more to the story? I liked the way he protected the girl, even tho' he liked her himself, so it was like a secret lust. I don't think you should have gotten a bomb whatever that is. I've been writing for the longest, but I've only submitted five stories to Lit. If you decide to rewrite, make yourself one of the girls and we can see more closely what they do and all. Hey, I'm not gay but I LOVE watching guys ... well do stuff, so for you to become one of the lesbians would be....totally wow! Let your imagination run wild!
Later,
El

Again, thanks for the input. I do address what happens to Gary as he watches the girls. The ending was my attemopt to show Gary, despite his physical superiority, totally defeated and walking away from the arena and leaving it to the lesbian girls.

Of course, Gary does have a not so secret lust for Aubry, but is obviously not able to make a connection until the fight.

As to the idea of making myself one of the girls, you have come upon the problem for a male writer trying to write a conventional lesbian story. It is really very difficult for a man to put himself in a lesbian situation.

Some time back, I met an incredibly pretty lesbian girl. She and I were trying to pick up the same babe. Handsome and his sidekick Bluto tried to pick up lesbian girl and the babe. Handsome, with an assist from Bluto tried to beat me up to impress the girls. Big mistake.

In the aftermath, lesbian girl, myself, the babe and her babe companion managed to leave the scene before the police arrived. We wound up in a house above the Sunset strip. I watched in awe as lesbian girl basically destroyed both of the babes psychologically. (I was concentrating on scoring pussy. By the time I realized how bad things were, I was a bit late. Then I discovered that the house did not belong to lesbian girl and I had to fight our way out past the bodyguard of the owner.

Despite the problems, lesbian girl and I became sort of opportunistic friends. I did, perhaps gain some insight into her world. I used to get phone calls from an incredibly sexy female voice saying: "Hey man, let's go pick up some chicks!") The story of our escapades would probably make headline Literotica news. Unfortunately the police were (are?) looking for her in several cities and also on the federal level. I have not heard from her for a while and assume that she is in jail or dead.

 

[yui]

Re: Re: lesbians different world

Again, thanks for the input. I do address what happens to Gary as he watches the girls. The ending was my attemopt to show Gary, despite his physical superiority, totally defeated and walking away from the arena and leaving it to the lesbian girls.

Of course, Gary does have a not so secret lust for Aubry, but is obviously not able to make a connection until the fight.

As to the idea of making myself one of the girls, you have come upon the problem for a male writer trying to write a conventional lesbian story. It is really very difficult for a man to put himself in a lesbian situation.

Some time back, I met an incredibly pretty lesbian girl. She and I were trying to pick up the same babe. Handsome and his sidekick Bluto tried to pick up lesbian girl and the babe. Handsome, with an assist from Bluto tried to beat me up to impress the girls. Big mistake.

In the aftermath, lesbian girl, myself, the babe and her babe companion managed to leave the scene before the police arrived. We wound up in a house above the Sunset strip. I watched in awe as lesbian girl basically destroyed both of the babes psychologically. (I was concentrating on scoring pussy. By the time I realized how bad things were, I was a bit late. Then I discovered that the house did not belong to lesbian girl and I had to fight our way out past the bodyguard of the owner.

Despite the problems, lesbian girl and I became sort of opportunistic friends. I did, perhaps gain some insight into her world. I used to get phone calls from an incredibly sexy female voice saying: "Hey man, let's go pick up some chicks!") The story of our escapades would probably make headline Literotica news. Unfortunately the police were (are?) looking for her in several cities and also on the federal level. I have not heard from her for a while and assume that she is in jail or dead.

I think you should write that story! I want details, man, details! Well, all you can give and not have to kill me, anyway...

 

[R. Richard]

Re: Re: Re: lesbians different world

I think you should write that story! I want details, man, details! Well, all you can give and not have to kill me, anyway...

Sadly I pretty much already did. To give you an idea of how vague the entire relationship was, I never knew what the lesbian girl's NAME was. Each time we would meet, she would be using a different name. I would use that name for the evening and then she would be gone. Her normal mode of transportation was stolen cars. I would never ride in her cars. Instead we would always take my car. One night she was wearing a truly stunning set of Emerald earrings. I am talking here, large carat, investment grade Columbian emeralds. I made her switch to something else and just as well. The authorities were searching for a very similar set of earrings. (I used to be in a gem business and I know what I saw.) We used to go to dinner at the type of place where the waitress had to recite the menu because there was not enough light to read by and a good thing as most of the patrons were married, but not to each other.

The police in a few towns talked to me and frequently just after one of my dates with lesbian girl by some stange coincidence. The subject of the talk was some guy who was cruising for babes with an incredible babe. The guy was violent and effective. Of course, I can assure you that R. Richard does not behave in that manner.

The hottest looking babe you can imagine, though!

 

[sack]

I don't think I can add too much more, but...

I don't frankly get into Lesbian stories that much, so I can understand it when people don't respond to some of my stories that feature gay men. One thing that is true of Lit. IN GENERAL is that if you write from a distance rather from someone "in the trenches" your story tends to get voted down. People just know that they are reading "watered down root beer" (to THEM!) and vote accordingly. One time I thought it would be fun to write an incest story without any actual incest, to see if I would get more views, an experiment, if you will. Well, that story got five times as many views as normal, about 56,000 as I recall. But it was bombed in the rankings because although the brother had a crush on the sister, he never actually consummated the relationship. That story is called Sis doesn't know he's watching, and I consider it to be among my best work. Getting back to your wonderful story (ALL of your stories rock by the way, wish you would allow PC's!!), you can use the the "Report Problems With This Story" feature to let Laurel know about the one-bombs, which she generally removes. The imagery in your story is gentle and delightful, and I wish you would explore Erotic Poetry, I bet you would be successful there.

Keep up the good work!
Sack

 

[R. Richard]

Sack:
Thanks for the feedback and your kind words.

If there is one thing I have learned while writing Literotica stories it is that a story MUST be tailored to the category. People who are fans of a category expect certain things. As you pointed out, an incest story with no actual incest sex will get bombed, even if it is an outstanding story. Alas!

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I have some experience with the cat Richard. The most likely reason for the bomb is that a reader felt it was in the wrong category, belonging instead in Voyerism/exhibishionism.

Beyond that possiblity, there is a distinct disjunction from the lesbians in the story. That is to say, the main character is male and many leasibians don't want to read a story where they aren't privy to the juicy details of at least one of the women involved's inner thoughts and reactions.

In erotica for women there is, by and large, a need to have a strong emotional component, a way that the reader can tie her own life and situation to the protag's and thus build an emotional bond. The bond you are trying to forge is between reader and observer and thus, you are trying to make the lesbian reader bond with a man. Thats a tough roe to hoe, no matter how technically correct or creative you are.

I think that lack of emotional connection to the two women characters may be hurting you in the votes.

Just some observations.

-Colly

 

[R. Richard]

I have some experience with the cat Richard. The most likely reason for the bomb is that a reader felt it was in the wrong category, belonging instead in Voyerism/exhibishionism.

Beyond that possiblity, there is a distinct disjunction from the lesbians in the story. That is to say, the main character is male and many leasibians don't want to read a story where they aren't privy to the juicy details of at least one of the women involved's inner thoughts and reactions.

In erotica for women there is, by and large, a need to have a strong emotional component, a way that the reader can tie her own life and situation to the protag's and thus build an emotional bond. The bond you are trying to forge is between reader and observer and thus, you are trying to make the lesbian reader bond with a man. Thats a tough roe to hoe, no matter how technically correct or creative you are.

I think that lack of emotional connection to the two women characters may be hurting you in the votes.

Just some observations.

-Colly

Colly:
Thanks for the feedback.

I had to write a lesbian story pursuant to my 2004 Survivor Contest entry. Of course, I could not really detail the emotional reaction of a woman in a lesbian relationship. Thus, I sought to find a completely new approach to allow me to write something that I could at least submit in the lesbian category.

My intent was to picture a male on the outside of a lesbian relationship that he has no chance of ever breaking to obtain the girl of his desire. I thought that I did a reasonably good job of that, in short story format.

It does bother me that people are apparently so offended by my attempt that they 1 bomb me.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Colly:
Thanks for the feedback.

I had to write a lesbian story pursuant to my 2004 Survivor Contest entry. Of course, I could not really detail the emotional reaction of a woman in a lesbian relationship. Thus, I sought to find a completely new approach to allow me to write something that I could at least submit in the lesbian category.

My intent was to picture a male on the outside of a lesbian relationship that he has no chance of ever breaking to obtain the girl of his desire. I thought that I did a reasonably good job of that, in short story format.

It does bother me that people are apparently so offended by my attempt that they 1 bomb me.

Anything you try will draw some ones hun, it's the nature of the beast. Even the Sandman and lauren get ones occasionally. I think you should just be proud you got a story that you felt accomplished what you set out to do.

*HUGS*