Latest Literotica Story

[J.Q. Hack]

Hi Everybody,

I would like to get a sense of what people think of my latest story. It's called "Game, Set, Match" and is in the erotic couplings section of Literotica. What with the story needed improved, what is fine the way it is, and what should've been changed. Thanks in advance for the feedback and constructive criticism. I hope to use this to continue improving my stories.

Thanks,
J.Q. Hack


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157734

 

[BlackShanglan]

Tally ho. Thanks for an interesting story, Hack. I liked the images of the short skirts and panties. You convey the fascination of the semi-fetish nicely and make the audience happy to join in on it. I found the plot reasonably believable, motivations clear enough, and the characters appealing.

Some areas that struck me as less strong:

If you are interested in grammar - and I know that not everyone is - you might give some attention to comma usage. You frequently neglect them after introductory prepositional phrases or subordinated elements. In addition, you often miss the capital letter beginning a quotation when it is in text.

“I know, especially the blonde on the right. If you watch close enough every time she steps to the right you can catch a glimpse of her panties when her skirt flips up a little bit.”

“Damn, Mark. What’s with you and your underwear fetish? Anyhow, her friend is cute, too.”

“Come on Scott, it’s not a fetish. I just appreciate catching glimpses of a lady’s underwear any chance I get, but I don’t go out of my way to look at it.”

This dialog felt stilted to me. Could you trim it? Something more like a quick "damn, look at her panties" and a corresponding roll of the eyes from his friend would convey the same information more succinctly and, to my eye, more realistically.

For that matter, I would suggest not making everyone in the story aware of the skirt/panty issue. That is, Carol is aware of flashing her panties in the opening, then she lingers on the image of Barb's panties, then the men discuss hers, then both individually linger on the backsides of their partners. While I do understand that the image is an exciting one, it becomes (for my taste) a bit much when driven home quite this often. I would rather see one lengthy, enticing description that more thoroughly captures one character's fascination and arousal than a series of short shots from multiple points of view.

Even in the soapy water Carol’s pussy felt slick. Her fingers stroked her clit moving quickly in small circles. The feelings emanating from her pussy were intense, so intense they almost felt new to her. With one of her legs propped against the tub she slid one then two fingers into her snatch.

Soap. Mucous membrane. I am not at all convinced that this would feel pleasant. Actually, it rather made me wince.

Heading towards the door she wrapped her pink housecoat around her that reached down to her hips barely covering her bottom. Carol had meant to get rid of that robe for months because she thought it didn’t cover enough, but somehow it didn’t seem too short now.

I see that it's the focus of this story, but it's becoming hard to beleive that no woman in this story owns anything that covers her backside.

I got the sense of the sudden impulse of Carol's decision to invite the two men over and rather liked it , but would have found it stronger with just a little insight into her thought process - just a sentence or two to take me through the process of sudden decision. You did that later with her decision to follow Mark into the house, and I felt that that greatly improved the scene.

With one slight movement Mark plunged his cock into her.

Carol gasped as she felt him enter her completely.

This seems rather an unlikely result from "one slight movement." Why rush the pleasure of penetration?

I'm torn on the ending. I like the realism of it, and wanted to hear Mark's reaction. On the other hand, it seemed abrupt. It felt like it needed a little more there, but I laud you for introducing an element of realism and conscience to your characters.

Shanglan

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is very good, the situations well described and the characters believable. Carol's personality and moral dimension are particularly well conveyed.

You're at home with the language, and my criticism is of something so subtle that I don't know what to call it. It's a little stiff or stilted -- but no, those words are too strong. The actions move a little too smoothly? No, that's not it either. Let's look at a few particulars and see if I can put my finger on it.

One noticeable thing early on is that sentences often begin with participial phrases: 'Adjusting her dark designer sunglasses', 'Pulling her tennis racket and bag from the trunk', 'Leaning in as far as she could', 'Quickly smoothing the back of her skirt', 'Putting her stuff down', 'Grabbing one ankle then the other'. This mannerism is emphasized by the fact that, as BlackShanglan observed, they're not followed by commas. They don't have to be, but it makes an intonation difference. So constantly having to give them the faster reading makes it a bit of a gabble.

The comma makes a grammatical difference in one place: “We’d love to [...],” Scott finished moving in front of his friend. -- You really need the pause there to block the unwanted reading 'finished moving'.

Perhaps that's what I meant by 'too smoothly'. The actions flow together; there's no hesitation or breaking or vacillation.

By the way, looking at herself in a mirror and thinking 'Not bad for a...' is a real cliche, but this is the first time I've seen it well done and thoroughly believable. Most people put it up front as a way of giving the character's age and size. Your placement of it after all that has been established, and the additional details of ageing, make it part of her well-rounded character.

Okay, here's another quirk. It's a very slight overuse of the obvious adjective. Take this sentence: Round beads of water clung to her calf and ran down her leg towards her foot and thigh as she dragged a large soapy sponge over her toned leg. The first paragraph is like this too, but first paragraphs are excused for being over-full. Individually each adjective is fine, but doesn't add a great deal. Several of these weak modifiers in one sentence become noticeable. Call the sponge a large soapy sponge if you want to make that stand out, call the beads round if you want to draw a little attention to their beading individuality: but I suspect in this case you weren't really intending to focus on those details.

 

[impressive]

Hey, J.Q.

Overall, I liked the story. FWIW, I have a couple suggestions:

She knew from the feeling that the hem of her tiny tennis skirt rode up undoubtedly revealing a small portion of her round bottom and white panties.

Quickly smoothing the back of her skirt Carol looked around slightly embarrassed. “I hope nobody saw that,” she thought to herself.

This seems incongrous to me. I mean, why wear a "tiny tennis skirt" if there is a concern about someone getting a peek at your panties? Carol obviously appreciates being appreciated. (Don't we all?)

The female dialog seemed very natural, whereas the male dialog didn't flow for me. The M/F dialog was somewhere in between.

Might want to correct this little typo (her > here), too:

“Ooh, it’s starting to get chilly out her,”

Mark's reaction to Carol's revelation is, to me, a bit overblown. If he was hoping for a deeper relationship, perhaps it'd be more understandable. We just don't know much about what's going on in Mark's mind (whereas we know that Barb & Scott are just having fun). Perhaps Mark's perspective could be revealed via tidbits that Scott passes along to Barb, who subsequently shares them with Carol.

Anyway, take 'em or leave 'em.

(Oh, and per your bio -- it relaxes me, too.)

 

[GingerV]

Hey there,

Just read your story, and I liked that you were playing with the moral as well as the emotional dimentions. But I felt overaware of them, in places. As if you were spending so much time justifying Carol's affair it was if you were trying to erradicate any moral judgement we might make. Totally your choice, but I really did catch myself silently screaming "you don't have to wait for him to GIVE you a divorce, just leave the bastard." At one point...which means you definately got under my skin .

You've already hear about the commas, so I'm going to leave that out. You've got some repetitive word choice that's hurting your flow a little. I remember, specifically, that it seemed "pussy" made an appearance in every sentence in the tub scene, it started getting a bit distracting. I don't think the answer is to swallow a thesauras....but varying sentence structure or using pronouns could help.

I want to propose a writing exercise for you, if you're interested. It's draconian, but I learned a lot from it. Cut your word count by 1/3 to 1/2. Don't lose a single scene or gesture, just describe everything with fewer words. Drop me a line if you like, and I'll send you some examples of the sorts of things I'm thinking of. I'm not suggesting it for a rewrite, but it CAN be done, and it'll show you where you're maybe using more words than you need.

Also, I'll echo the previous comments on dialogue. Have you ever tried reading your dialogue aloud? I usually totally revamp my characters speaches when I hear them coming out of my own mouth. It's a sure way to spot when they're using what a friend of mine refers to as "porn speak."

G

 

[BlackShanglan]

I want to propose a writing exercise for you, if you're interested. It's draconian, but I learned a lot from it. Cut your word count by 1/3 to 1/2. Don't lose a single scene or gesture, just describe everything with fewer words.

Unless you're me, in which case it should be "Cut your word count by 3/4 to 5/6, and lose some of the freaking thought commentary."

Shanglan

 

[GingerV]

Mmm....but if I recommend someone cut it by 5/6, they usually go into shock. Gotta sucker them in with small steps .

 

[J.Q. Hack]

I'd like to thank everybody so far for their comments. I've found them to be very helpful and insightful. I'm sure the suggestions would improve not just this story but also my writing overall. If there are any more comments and suggestions I'd certainly like to hear them.