Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?

[Comshaw]

Well, that escalated quicklyhttps://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f61e.png

I don't think I'm very good at talking about this, so I can only ask that you assume positive intentions when possible, and I'll tell you clearly if my intentions are negative https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f923.png

When you say "it ain't me," that's totally fine! You've always been a perfect gentleman to me any time we've interacted. When someone says "not all men," absolutely true. Not even most men! Not even 90% of men!

But if I interact with, like, thirty or forty men in a week, in my experience one or two of them are likely to be creeps. One or two creeps a week, every week, forever. Sometimes I know which ones, because I have to work with them on a regular basis. Sometimes I don't until it happens, because they're strangers.

So that's just like a low-level background radiation to daily life.

If your reaction to that information is to say "I'll never talk to a woman again," I think that's sad. Thank me for helping you with something! Say hello and make small talk! Acknowledge my knowledge or abilities! Ask an honest question! Treat me like an adult human and I'll love you forever, I might even smile at you https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f970.png

I understand the bolded portion of your comment is absolutely true. What I think you're ignoring or are unaware of is that anyone who deals with thirty or forty people a week is going to run into 1 or 2 assholes, of either gender. And while it's a different interaction for a woman than a man, is it any less toxic for a man to deal with assholes than a woman? Are men less sensitive to toxic interactions, or have they been trained to hide it better?

As far as "I'll never speak to a woman again", that wasn't specifically targeted to your comment. However, it has been alluded to through some of the comments here that no matter how a man approaches a woman they don't know, it is unwarranted and unwanted any time. Under such circumstances, staying mute and going on their way is the only alternative.

Your last paragraph is fabulous advice. Everyone should take it to heart. But I should ask, is it only for men, or should women do the same?
If a compliment is an opening for ulterior motives, an offer to help with something the same, I would assume any opening conversation would be view with distrust. So how should a guy do it and not get brushed off like a spec of dirt?

This reality is what I think many men deny. I don’t hate men, I love one more than life itself. I have male buddies who are good friends. But, a not insignificant subset - I’m not even going to hazard a guess like @PennyThompson did - a subset are real douches. And they don’t have a glowing red ‘D’ on their foreheads, so you have to be careful. That sucks for the majority of perfectly OK and even sweet guys, but it’s not the fault of women, it’s the fault of the minority of guys who are bad.

"A not insignificant subset" and that means what exactly? It's better to at least make a guess at the size rather then leave it in such subjective terms.

"And they don’t have a glowing red ‘D’ on their foreheads, so you have to be careful. That sucks for the majority of perfectly OK and even sweet guys, but it’s not the fault of women, it’s the fault of the minority of guys who are bad."

So essentially, you are saying you should treat a man as one of the bad guys until they prove they aren't? Yep, that is a great way to do it. "Let's be afraid of everything and everyone until they prove differently."

I don't think you hate men. I do think you're too afraid of shadows, too afraid of what might be to discover what could be.


Comshaw

 

[Kelliezgirl]

No. Not really. My formulation would be ‘don’t pretend you’re sincerely giving a compliment when actually you’re just using the compliment to manipulate someone you find attractive into giving you their attention’.

Ultimately, it’s the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

And I suspect most people feel it’s not a real compliment unless it’s sincere.

It’s a given that the person paying the compliment will probably feel good about themselves for giving it. That’s not the issue.

But as the recipient of the compliment, I don't care. Lest we forget, that was the original question posed in this discussion.
I suppose you could waste your life worrying I'd every compliment, every social interaction was the result of the other person having some ulterior motive, but that would probably just make you a miserable person.
Probably the same type of miserable person who would want to shut down harmless social interaction on the basis that it "makes them uncomfortable" or "because some men are creeps" or some other asinine reason.

If the "ulterior motive" is trying to strike up a conversation with someone you are physically attracted to, what's the harm?

 

[Erozetta]

So... don't say nice things to people if it makes you feel good too?

No, don't say nice things to people if you're only doing it to get a pat on the back. Particularly if you get offended if they aren't fawning over you after for giving the compliment.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

No, don't say nice things to people if you're only doing it to get a pat on the back. Particularly if you get offended if they aren't fawning over you after for giving the compliment.

I don't think anyone is expecting that.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

So essentially, you are saying you should treat a man as one of the bad guys until they prove they aren't? Yep, that is a great way to do it. "Let's be afraid of everything and everyone until they prove differently."

I'm sympathetic to that actually. It's like driving up to an intersection. Even if you've got a green light it's worth a glance to make sure that no one in the perpendicular street is running their red light. Probably no one is but the danger is so huge that it's better safe than sorry.

So in a binary cis-hetero situation, the woman is ordinarily at much greater risk, and therefore I think it's the man's responsibility to demonstrate that he's trustworthy rather than the woman's responsibility to take a risk.

Most women are in fact much braver and riskier than I would imagine I would be in their situation.

 

[Beth_Anne90]

Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?​

Hell Yes!! Makes my day!

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I compliment females I don't know all the time. Usually they're cats, but still.

Well, claws come and there's hissing and yowling, so ....

 

[Erozetta]

Ultimately what my stance comes down to is:

Give the compliment you would want to receive.

Give the compliment freely no matter what it is.

But do not bitch at the person you just complimented because they didn't immediately react in the way you wanted them to react. Do not bitch at the person you just complimented about how other women don't accept your compliments. Do not turn the compliment into a come on unless you're in a setting where such a line would be expected. (Think, a bar, compliment and flirt away. At the grocery store the very first time you see someone? Not so much.)

Don't bitch at them if they don't appreciate the compliment, you offered it, their reaction is theirs your actions are yours. Even good intentions can cause poor reactions and sometimes those poor reactions are a result of something outside of the complimentee's control.

Basically: If you compliment someone, you are risking rejection, accept that and then compliment all you want.

I've given compliments that have gonna completely ignored, which is fine because my compliment was genuine and not based on expected reciprocation

When I'm given a compliment I say thank you and carry on. It has taken me many many years to be able to say thank you instead of downplaying or negating the compliment with facts. (Such as, "That's a cute dress!' being followed up with, "Oh, thanks, I got it on clearance like ten years ago for two bucks.")

Give the compliment, but don't get pissy if you get nothing back in return, not even a smile or a thank you.

One thing to keep in mind is a lot of people wear earbuds when out in public and there's a good chance the person simply didn't hear you because they are trying to do their own thing and aren't open to social interactions at the time. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Erozetta]

I don't think anyone is expecting that.

We've clearly had very different life experiences involving men.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Ultimately what my stance comes down to is:

Give the compliment you would want to receive.

Give the compliment freely no matter what it is.

But do not bitch at the person you just complimented because they didn't immediately react in the way you wanted them to react. Do not bitch at the person you just complimented about how other women don't accept your compliments. Do not turn the compliment into a come on unless you're in a setting where such a line would be expected. (Think, a bar, compliment and flirt away. At the grocery store the very first time you see someone? Not so much.)

Don't bitch at them if they don't appreciate the compliment, you offered it, their reaction is theirs your actions are yours. Even good intentions can cause poor reactions and sometimes those poor reactions are a result of something outside of the complimentee's control.

Basically: If you compliment someone, you are risking rejection, accept that and then compliment all you want.

I've given compliments that have gonna completely ignored, which is fine because my compliment was genuine and not based on expected reciprocation

When I'm given a compliment I say thank you and carry on. It has taken me many many years to be able to say thank you instead of downplaying or negating the compliment with facts. (Such as, "That's a cute dress!' being followed up with, "Oh, thanks, I got it on clearance like ten years ago for two bucks.")

Give the compliment, but don't get pissy if you get nothing back in return, not even a smile or a thank you.

One thing to keep in mind is a lot of people wear earbuds when out in public and there's a good chance the person simply didn't hear you because they are trying to do their own thing and aren't open to social interactions at the time. There's nothing wrong with that.

100%

The person being complimented has no obligation to feel or express gratitude.

I'm not on board with "people getting compliments need to be nicer" but very much on board with "people giving compliments need thicker skins."

And also with "people should give more compliments."

 

[Beth_Anne90]

At the very least return the compliment with a smile!

 

[Comshaw]

I'm sympathetic to that actually. It's like driving up to an intersection. Even if you've got a green light it's worth a glance to make sure that no one in the perpendicular street is running their red light. Probably no one is but the danger is so huge that it's better safe than sorry.

So in a binary cis-hetero situation, the woman is ordinarily at much greater risk, and therefore I think it's the man's responsibility to demonstrate that he's trustworthy rather than the woman's responsibility to take a risk.

Most women are in fact much braver and riskier than I would imagine I would be in their situation.

In an opening conversation between two people who have just met, how would you suggest one does that? It can't be done in a sentence or two. It can't be done in a brief conversation. What you suggest needs time, time for a man to prove himself. And that never will happen if you never get past the first brief interaction.

As to your last sentence if they were out at a dive bar down by the docks for the evening I would agree. A conversation in a supermarket in the afternoon surrounded by people not so much. One is rife with possible dangers, the other none at all. Why be frightened and cautious in a safe place?


Comshaw

 

[big_cane_sugar]

In an opening conversation between two people who have just met, how would you suggest one does that? It can't be done in a sentence or two. It can't be done in a brief conversation. What you suggest needs time, time for a man to prove himself. And that never will happen if you never get past the first brief interaction.

As to your last sentence if they were out at a dive bar down by the docks for the evening I would agree. A conversation in a supermarket in the afternoon surrounded by people not so much. One is rife with possible dangers, the other none at all. Why be frightened and cautious in a safe place?


Comshaw

How do they know that the person saying hello isn't a stalker? Or isn't going to become one?

And it's not like no man has ever assaulted a woman in a public place. Or followed her out of one.

The only way to do it is to be confident and kind. If she doesn't like you anyway, move on without self-pity; she didn't owe you anything. If she likes you enough to give you a chance, just keep being confident and kind until either one of you decides you don't like the other one or things work out.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

100%

The person being complimented has no obligation to feel or express gratitude.

I'm not on board with "people getting compliments need to be nicer" but very much on board with "people giving compliments need thicker skins."

And also with "people should give more compliments."

I think it's just common courtesy to say,"thank you". Assuming it was a polite compliment as I've advocated for. I've never had a man react negatively to that.
Someone being sleezy or rude I'd just ignore them.

That's as far as any of it needs to go.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I think it's just common courtesy to say,"thank you". Assuming it was a polite compliment as I've advocated for. I've never had a man react negatively to that.
Someone being sleezy or rude I'd just ignore them.

That's as far as any of it needs to go.

I don't recall a time when I've given a woman a compliment and she didn't seem happy to hear it. "Thank you" is by far the most common response, but usually it's more like, "Oh my gosh, thank you, that's so nice." And to me at least it looks like they really mean it. Big happy smiles.

Which makes me wonder where all the horror stories are coming from. I can't help suspecting that men who get really bad reactions have done something really wrong. If they're consistently getting bad reactions, I can't really imagine any other explanation.

 

[Medicalman13152]

Ladies - do you like it when a stranger tells you that you are beautiful?​

Hell Yes!! Makes my day!

Beth Anne, You look Marvelous today!

 

[Comshaw]

How do they know that the person saying hello isn't a stalker? Or isn't going to become one?

And it's not like no man has ever assaulted a woman in a public place. Or followed her out of one.

The only way to do it is to be confident and kind. If she doesn't like you anyway, move on without self-pity; she didn't owe you anything. If she likes you enough to give you a chance, just keep being confident and kind until either one of you decides you don't like the other one or things work out.

"How do they know that the person saying hello isn't a stalker? Or isn't going to become one?"
You don't. There are no guarantees in life. It's an odds thing. What are the odds of a random guy complimenting you being one of those? pretty damned low. Should a woman be afraid of everyone because of something that happens a fraction of the time?

The same goes for "...it's not like no man has ever assaulted a woman in a public place." How often does that happen to people not acquainted? Rarely. Most assaults like that happen to people who are intimately acquainted. And that is a whole other subject.

As far as your assertion that we need to be "confident and kind" I agree that needs to happen with any interaction.

I don't recall a time when I've given a woman a compliment and she didn't seem happy to hear it. "Thank you" is by far the most common response, but usually it's more like, "Oh my gosh, thank you, that's so nice." And to me at least it looks like they really mean it. Big happy smiles.

Which makes me wonder where all the horror stories are coming from. I can't help suspecting that men who get really bad reactions have done something really wrong. If they're consistently getting bad reactions, I can't really imagine any other explanation.

So the women you complimented didn't think you were a stalker? Didn't think you had nefarious intentions? Why is that? And you were arguing up there ↑ that they would. So which is it?

Comshaw

 

[AlexBailey]

I don't recall a time when I've given a woman a compliment and she didn't seem happy to hear it. "Thank you" is by far the most common response, but usually it's more like, "Oh my gosh, thank you, that's so nice." And to me at least it looks like they really mean it. Big happy smiles.

Which makes me wonder where all the horror stories are coming from. I can't help suspecting that men who get really bad reactions have done something really wrong. If they're consistently getting bad reactions, I can't really imagine any other explanation.

I hope this is just a sign that you don’t often deal with bad-apple men. I live in a place known for social awareness but I still see a lot and overhear a lot of “locker room talk” at job sites and see guys put on their game face whenever they’re around a woman they think is attractive.

You seriously don’t know guys like that?

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I hope this is just a sign that you don’t often deal with bad-apple men. I live in a place known for social awareness but I still see a lot and overhear a lot of “locker room talk” at job sites and see guys put on their game face whenever they’re around a woman they think is attractive.

You seriously don’t know guys like that?

I suspect you didn't intend to reply to my post. If you did, I don't understand the connection. I didn't mean to suggest that men aren't often rude.

 

[EmmAgain]

There’s a lot I don’t miss about Latino culture. But being told sincerely and non-threateningly by random strangers “Cuan bella luce, señorita” - a compliment, with no expectation of anything more - always made my day. I put in an effort. Thank you for noticing!

 

[big_cane_sugar]

"How do they know that the person saying hello isn't a stalker? Or isn't going to become one?"
You don't. There are no guarantees in life. It's an odds thing. What are the odds of a random guy complimenting you being one of those? pretty damned high. Should a woman be afraid of everyone because of something that happens a fraction of the time?

They should definitely be somewhat cautious. And if you give off bad vibes, they should be super-cautious. It's up to you not to give off those bad vibes.

The same goes for "...it's not like no man has ever assaulted a woman in a public place." How often does that happen to people not acquainted? Rarely. Most assaults like that happen to people who are intimately acquainted. And that is a whole other subject.

As far as your assertion that we need to be "confident and kind" I agree that needs to happen with any interaction.

So the women you complimented didn't think you were a stalker? Didn't think you had nefarious intentions? Why is that? And you were arguing up there ↑ that they would. So which is it?

Comshaw

I wasn't saying that they would or would not (or should or should not) assume anything. I'm saying they couldn't know in advance so it was up to me to prove over time that I was a decent guy.

This started with you admitting that it has to be proven over time. We agree about that. Then you say it can't happen if you don't get through that first brief interaction. We agree about that. I'm saying if you can't consistently get through that first brief interaction (such as saying "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you") without making a woman uncomfortable, you're doing something wrong. She has every right to be feel uncomfortable. If you're a decent guy, it's on you to help her know that.

 

[AlexBailey]

I suspect you didn't intend to reply to my post. If you did, I don't understand the connection. I didn't mean to suggest that men aren't often rude.

Oh, sorry for not being clear. I was referring to your second paragraph where you said you “…wonder where all the horror stories are coming from.”

Was I wrong to read it the way I did? It seemed like you were saying that guys only consistently get bad reactions because “they” have done something wrong. I think many good people get bad reactions as a response of the bad actions of others, not just for what they do.

I definitely think someone with a toxic approach is more likely to get a negative reaction, but I think those bad apples ruin a lot for everyone else, not just themselves, and unfortunately there are a lot of them.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

Oh, sorry for not being clear. I was referring to your second paragraph where you said you “…wonder where all the horror stories are coming from.”

Was I wrong to read it the way I did? It seemed like you were saying that guys only consistently get bad reactions because “they” have done something wrong. I think many good people get bad reactions as a response of the bad actions of others, not just for what they do.

I definitely think someone with a toxic approach is more likely to get a negative reaction, but I think those bad apples ruin a lot for everyone else, not just themselves, and unfortunately there are a lot of them.

Oh, I see. I only meant I'm really not aware of men politely giving women compliments and getting reactions worse than, "Thank you."

I mean, I'm sure it must happen sometimes because we live in a huge world and a lot of things happen sometimes, but I can only conclude that men who consistently get reactions worse than that are doing something wrong, i.e. not actually giving polite compliments. Somehow giving off creepy vibes. Something like that.

 

[Comshaw]

They should definitely be somewhat cautious. And if you give off bad vibes, they should be super-cautious. It's up to you not to give off those bad vibes.



I wasn't saying that they would or would not (or should or should not) assume anything. I'm saying they couldn't know in advance so it was up to me to prove over time that I was a decent guy.

This started with you admitting that it has to be proven over time. We agree about that. Then you say it can't happen if you don't get through that first brief interaction. We agree about that. I'm saying if you can't consistently get through that first brief interaction (such as saying "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you") without making a woman uncomfortable, you're doing something wrong. She has every right to be feel uncomfortable. If you're a decent guy, it's on you to help her know that.

The bolded part: apparently you haven't read through the entire thread. The assertion from many in this thread is that the simple act of complimenting a woman who is a stranger will make them uncomfortable and is a sign that you have nefarious intentions.

Under those circumstances, it doesn't matter how you approach them, how much you try to make them comfortable, they are going to be uncomfortable with any interaction no matter what. To avoid that discomfort for them the best thing is to say nothing and move on.

"I'm saying they couldn't know in advance so it was up to me to prove over time that I was a decent guy."

Which is what I've said numerous times. However, you can't prove anything if you never get past the hello stage. And some here see even the hello stage (no matter how mannerly or kind you are) as the man having ulterior motives. Additionally, if I complimented a woman I didn't know and may never see again and made her uncomfortable by doing so, how am I going to prove myself to her? It ain't gonna happen.

As far as this: "I'm saying if you can't consistently get through that first brief interaction (such as saying "I noticed how pretty you are so I wanted to meet you") without making a woman uncomfortable, you're doing something wrong." Let me refer you to the beginning of the thread and a second invitation to read through the entirety of it.

Comshaw

 

[BillyWalrus]

Have you ever had the shoe on the other foot? I have. I was out running and a woman that I passed said "Nice ass." I don't think she intended to say it out loud but I heard it and I stopped and asked her, "What was that? Did you say something?" She was embarrassed and confessed and I continued my run. People should learn to keep their goddam mouths shut!!!