Lack of Sex in the BDSM Scene

[Rubyfruit]

I don't know if things have changed since I was involved, (about 8 years ago in Los Angeles) but I was a bit dismayed by the lack of actual sex that went on in the parties I attended.

There were very specific rules about sex at the public parties. No oral/genital contact, no penetration of any kind, etc., and that theme seemed to carry over to the private parties as well.

I never really understood it, because bdsm play for me was always a form of foreplay. It turned me on. Obviously, it's highly sexual in nature.

When I got involved in swinging, I realized there was no real reason for the rules at the public parties, because they were "private" in nature, meaning open only to specific, paying members.

Has this been the experience of others here?

 

[Guest]

Ruby,

This is a bit tricky. The lifestyle, for so long, has been viewed as deviant sexuality. So in order to disuade that point of view, many folks find it necessary to separate sexual acts from BDSM interactions. You can have one without the other. But I don't think they must be mutually exclusive. I have attended play parties with a set of rules that included no sexual activity. There were displays of bondage, disciplinary scenes, and sadomasochistic rituals. While I find these to be quite intimate, I do see the lack of sex as a statement. Kinky sex is not the sole reason for participating in these circles. It's hard for me to view S&M without sensing such sexual energy. The pleasures and pain of the flesh go hand in hand with sex, in my book. But I've been involved in D/s, with a 27/7 TPE, and sex was no more part of the relationship than my non-BDSM partnerships.

I don't think I was able to type what was going through my head. I hope I made some kind of sense.

 

[WriterDom]

From a practical point of view, it would seem to me that at least in my neck of the woods, if PEPs and other groups allowed sex it would stir up the legal/police side of things and be suicidal.

 

[Richard49]

Sex and BDSM

Well this is another time I am the old fart ...that learned to play by different rules.......

Anyway......BDSM is not swinging
and swinging is not BDSM
Though I have been in situations where both were present

I have heard some Doms talking about making there Submissives sex sluts etc.

Poly is not swinging nor should it be a sex slut thing

I guess it goes to the meaning of words and what people disire

 

[James Blandings]

As WriterDom said, I think with most clubs it is a matter of legal protection, especially now when so many venues and groups have come under attack from religious fundamentalist groups.
But I do think there is a broader issue, in that there seems to be a growing segment within BDSM that denies any sexual basis to what they do. The thought is that it is all about the spiritual connetion between dom and sub, and that sexual connotations are peripheral or even non-existence.
Personally, I think that is an untenable argument, but it does seem to have had some influence, particularly with the influx of people who's main experience is online.
Overt sexual activity used to be much more common at parties, although the make up of a particular group will make a difference. Generally speaking, my experience has been that the more pan-sexual the group, the more likely sex will be allowed.

 

[cymbidia]

I, too, see a difference according to venue and time period.

A while back, BDSM involved sex and that was it. There were far fewer public events and unless you knew someone, you never got invited to private parties. We were all a lot more paranoid about allowing our sexuality out for public walks ten or more years ago but we were all more likely to have our play include real sex, too.

These days BDSM is more "acceptable" to Mr and Mrs Nilla - but at a cost. We can play with it but we have to be extremely sure that no one can possibly think what's being done is nonconsensual or prostitution.

Additionally, there are really terrible diseases these days, diseases that simply didn't exist 20 or 30 years ago. One could not pass killer diseases to another person back then because the killers simply didn't exist. (I remember when i first heard of herpes. I was astonished and fearful of this horrible new disease that one would have forever...)

Swingers have sex with others besides thier partners, sometimes literally beside thier partners. BDSM'ers use various means to produce intense sensation that is, in and of itself, erotic to the participants. They're different beasts, swinging and BDSM, and cannot be cpmpared in terms of methods used toward ultimatepleasure.

Quite frankly, swinging isn't for me. I've been in more than my share of group sex situations, and threesomes, and other permutations of more-than-two-bodies-to-fuck. I decided quite a while ago that it doesn't really thrill me, that having access to lots of bodies.

What i crave is the intensity and soaring pleasure i've only ever found at the hands of a competent, imaginative, and caring Dominant. I need the wildness, the rush, the satisfaction burned into my skin by the sting and burn of hands and floggers. Whether or not there's actual sex (as in penetration) involved, i need that heated rush of intense sensation to feel...whole. It makes me feel screamingly alive and i want it, with or without any fucking.

For me, BDSM play has never been foreplay. It's always been the main and most satisfying part of the whole lovely menu options that comprise the world of sexuality.

I don't think swinging is for everyone, K, just as BDSM isn't for everyone, and i don't think they're comparable at all.

Today, it seems as if laws and medical necessities are pushing BDSM play further from conventional sexual behavior, too, when intercourse of any kind is removed from the list of acceptable activities one may engage in while at many parties.

So be it.

For most of us, however, and certainly in private, BDSM continues to be highly sexual and THE premier avenue to getting our rocks off, so to speak.

Good question, K.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Sex, BDSM & Swinging: my experiences

Well, I belonged to a BDSM group in Central Washington, and we had rules banning intercourse in our play parties. I did not mind, cause I did not fancy anyone there on that level.

After the formal party, we woul dgo to somone's house, and sometimes sex would occur with various people involved. It was not done in public, but in one of the bedrooms.

Later, when I moved here, my SO and I became swingers. A totally different venue. We started a club with couples, a few selected single men, and aingle women. We rented a condo or hotel suite and went at it. No D/s activities were included. To my knowledge, I was the only D/s person and I was the only non bisexual woman in the group. They were more into Hetero sex, and watching the female bisexual women do each other. No bisexual men were allowed.

So, in my experience D/s and Swinging had no overlap.

Ebony

 

[petrel]

I don't know if things have changed since I was involved, (about 8 years ago in Los Angeles) but I was a bit dismayed by the lack of actual sex that went on in the parties I attended.

There were very specific rules about sex at the public parties. No oral/genital contact, no penetration of any kind, etc., and that theme seemed to carry over to the private parties as well.

I never really understood it, because bdsm play for me was always a form of foreplay. It turned me on. Obviously, it's highly sexual in nature.

When I got involved in swinging, I realized there was no real reason for the rules at the public parties, because they were "private" in nature, meaning open only to specific, paying members.

Has this been the experience of others here?

I agree with some of the other comments, legalities and a wider appreciation of the potential for STD's would be my reason for banning oral/genital/intercourse at play parties. I would have to know people VERY well before I indulged in any kind of play as described above, and I'm afraid that the fact that they were members or on the mailing list would not suffice.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Lack of Sex in the BDSM Scene

I agree with some of the other comments, legalities and a wider appreciation of the potential for STD's would be my reason for banning oral/genital/intercourse at play parties. I would have to know people VERY well before I indulged in any kind of play as described above, and I'm afraid that the fact that they were members or on the mailing list would not suffice.

Right. We always had strict rules about safe sex and the cleaning of toys. But I think we were always aware of the legalities.

Ebony

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Things are different in Germany, I guess. Yesterday I went to a non-commercial play party (Heaven and Hell). There was lots of sexual play: blow jobs and pussy eating, even intercourse. All that happened between couples, though.
The party took place in the red light area of Hamburg, and prostitution is legal in Germany, so the police had other things to do, than busting us.

Some funny incidents: I had never been to this particular party and when I walked along the Große Freiheit, the door man recognised me at once as someone attending to the party. <ponder> I guess my bag (with my PVC dress) gave me away and I was in full Domme mode. A sub told me once that this always shows. LOL
I took a taxi to the pub and the driver was funny, he asked if I went to a party, yep, I told him, and that it was a SM party. He asked what SM stood for and guessed something like Super/Mega. He was taken aback a bit when I told him the "harsh" truth.
Sheeesh taxi drivers in Hamburg...

I played too (very promising ), that involved a crop, lots of rope and CBT toys, but no orgasms. Things got quite steamy, though. I enjoyed myself, as you might guess.

Monika

 

[willfulbrat]

I don't know if things have changed since I was involved, (about 8 years ago in Los Angeles) but I was a bit dismayed by the lack of actual sex that went on in the parties I attended.

There were very specific rules about sex at the public parties. No oral/genital contact, no penetration of any kind, etc., and that theme seemed to carry over to the private parties as well.

I never really understood it, because bdsm play for me was always a form of foreplay. It turned me on. Obviously, it's highly sexual in nature.

When I got involved in swinging, I realized there was no real reason for the rules at the public parties, because they were "private" in nature, meaning open only to specific, paying members.

Has this been the experience of others here?

The parties I attend don't include actual intercourse, but penetration with toys and hands is allowed. Even then, I don't see a lot of penetration play. The lack of actual sex at BDSM paries doesn't dismay me at all. My scenes leave me completely satisfied without intercourse. Pain slut that I am, I don't need genital contact to climax anyway.

For me public play is about socializing with like-minded people and learning more about the lifestyle, but I also get plenty of private play so I'm not left feeling deprived.

There are swingers who attend the public play parties I attend, and I have no problem with that, but to me it's completely separate from BDSM or even poly. Poly intrigues me, swinging disgusts me (only my own involvement, it doesn't bother me that other people do it.)

 

[Rubyfruit]

Thanks for all of the great insight.

I didn't mean to suggest that bdsm play and swinging were related at all, I was just curious why there wasn't that much actual sex happening at the parties.

 

[willfulbrat]

RubyFruit, I don't know your location, but if you like sex with your bdsm you may be able to find a club with both. There is a swingers club in our area which has a dungeon inside.

 

[iamaddog]

Lack of Sex in the BDSM Scene
I don't know if things have changed since I was involved, (about 8 years ago in Los Angeles) but I was a bit dismayed by the lack of actual sex that went on in the parties I attended.

--------------
of course being so totally inexperienced I have no foggy idea what was the norm--or what is going on now...I've never been in-a-scene..

but then..
since my new chastity device is..on it's way in the mail..

and, She says there are to be 2 piercings in the male genitalia..
seems "my" days of any...sex..are clearly over..period..for the rest of my natural life.
wish i could add more here for you..

drive careful out there..sooner talk "to" you than talk about you in the paper.

mad dog in iowa
reg.#807385/owned/collared by Mistress Ann

 

[Lain]

Lack of sex imposed by Dom/mes?

Lack of Sex in the BDSM Scene
but then..
since my new chastity device is..on it's way in the mail..

and, She says there are to be 2 piercings in the male genitalia..
seems "my" days of any...sex..are clearly over..period..for the rest of my natural life.

It sounds as though you're unhappy or apprehensive about your Domme imposing chastity on you. So much so that I wonder why you're doing it. You're absolutely sure you'll be submitting to this woman for the rest of your life, so a more permanent "alteration" of your genitalia is acceptable to you? I'm trying to reconcile your tone with what it sounds like you're planning on doing -- I mean no offense.

Also, I'm confused -- what sort of piercings make sex (I'm assuming you mean coitus) impossible? I thought most genital piercings were intended to enhance sensation.

Forgive my ignorance,
Lain

 

[iamaddog]

It sounds as though you're unhappy or apprehensive about your Domme imposing chastity on you. So much so that I wonder why you're doing it. You're absolutely sure you'll be submitting to this woman for the rest of your life, so a more permanent "alteration" of your genitalia is acceptable to you? I'm trying to reconcile your tone with what it sounds like you're planning on doing -- I mean no offense.

Also, I'm confused -- what sort of piercings make sex (I'm assuming you mean coitus) impossible? I thought most genital piercings were intended to enhance sensation.

Forgive my ignorance,
Lain
-----
apprehensive..had to look up the damn word..yeah, worried about this, yes, for sure. I am ignorant of what to expect. ya know? I am human,,--I am doing it,..but it is She whom says it must be--and I am going along with it--for reasons to find out what this is all about--and to adhere to Her wishes..isn't like it's going to kill me..just alter my lifestyle to one completely unfamiliar to me. I'm scared---worried--hell,...I've had my genitalia all my life--unabused mind you..and now it is to be used like a pin cushion in my mind--it scares the hell out of me...of course. ain't no male I ever met wouldn't be for pete's sake. and yes coitus is what I meant. I try hard to avoid vulgarity when possible.
as to enhance..doubt it--it is She whom says normal vanilla sex is banned as long as I am in Her service...but as i understand it--even out of the chastity device--after the 2 piercings are done and---healed up--and were history--it is my understanding it will kill any ideas of male masturbation as well.---no --I ain't complaining---Iwish to ask informnation at times like these to see if anyone knows more than i do in these matters...I hope that is okay yet in this society??? I just like to know ahead of time to know what to expect...---

thanks for the answer.....didn't expect any replies...


mad dog in iowa

 

[cymbidia]

I'm scared---worried--hell,...I've had my genitalia all my life--unabused mind you..and now it is to be used like a pin cushion in my mind--it scares the hell out of me...of course. ain't no male I ever met wouldn't be for pete's sake. and yes coitus is what I meant.
<snip>
after the 2 piercings are done and---healed up--and were history--it is my understanding it will kill any ideas of male masturbation as well.---no --I ain't complaining---Iwish to ask informnation at times like these to see if anyone knows more than i do in these matters...

maddog, AGAIN, have you talked to her about your anxieties? Have you gone to her and HONESTLY expressed your fears and uneasiness?

You've told us here about it over and over: you owe HER the truth that you keep giving us.

1. She cannot be the Domme of your dreams if you aren't completely honest with her on this and ALL your fears.

2. You're cheating BOTH of you if you remain silent when you should speak.

3. The first and hightest obligation ALL submissives have is open honesty to our Dominants.

My last Master did his own genital piercings. Those in his ball sac, anywhere in his ball sac, never bothered him at all, solo or not solo sex. Those in the head of his cock, and he tried it three times, he found exceeding irritating when having any kinda sex. That was just him. Your experiences may be different.

Go talk to your Domme.
You owe her your honesty.

 

[iamaddog]

I have......

maddog, AGAIN, have you talked to her about your anxieties? Have you gone to her and HONESTLY expressed your fears and uneasiness?

You've told us here about it over and over: you owe HER the truth that you keep giving us.

1. She cannot be the Domme of your dreams if you aren't completely honest with her on this and ALL your fears.

2. You're cheating BOTH of you if you remain silent when you should speak.

3. The first and hightest obligation ALL submissives have is open honesty to our Dominants.

My last Master did his own genital piercings. Those in his ball sac, anywhere in his ball sac, never bothered him at all, solo or not solo sex. Those in the head of his cock, and he tried it three times, he found exceeding irritating when having any kinda sex. That was just him. Your experiences may be different.

Go talk to your Domme.
You owe her your honesty.


__________________
I have spoken about it to Her...but I get the impression it isn't a big deal in her eyes. she has seen so much of it..over the years I guess it is all commonplace to Her. maybe I guess it may not be a big deal to some folks.
but hell....all....I wanted....asked for....wished for...was...and is...
is an idea...of how bad it may be to have done.
ok..some guy had all his done to himself. dude has got guts or he is blind stark raving mad...don't know which. either way..was merely asking as politely as I can if someone--anyone--would fill me in.
I am really sorry I ever brought it up!! I do apologize.


thanks anyway....you tried I spose'.....

maybe I'm just too country boy thick-headed to get whatever it is you thought you were telling me...I ain't never was one to claim I was the brightest crayon in the box. but I try hard.

never mind...ya tried anyway...

thanks y'all..

mad dog

 

[CarolineOh]

Re: I have......

__________________
I have spoken about it to Her...but I get the impression it isn't a big deal in her eyes. she has seen so much of it..over the years I guess it is all commonplace to Her. maybe I guess it may not be a big deal to some folks.
but hell....all....I wanted....asked for....wished for...was...and is...
is an idea...of how bad it may be to have done.
ok..some guy had all his done to himself. dude has got guts or he is blind stark raving mad...don't know which. either way..was merely asking as politely as I can if someone--anyone--would fill me in.
I am really sorry I ever brought it up!! I do apologize.


thanks anyway....you tried I spose'.....

maybe I'm just too country boy thick-headed to get whatever it is you thought you were telling me...I ain't never was one to claim I was the brightest crayon in the box. but I try hard.

never mind...ya tried anyway...

thanks y'all..

mad dog

mad dog, I think that what pople hee are rying to tell you is that you are getting off on the wrong foot with your new Domme, because either you are not being clear with her about your worries, or else she is being irrsponsible about how she replies to them.
I don't know a thing about genital piercing, and not that much about bdsm, but I do know that if you agree to let her do something lasting to you that you really don't want, you will not only regret it later on, but feel resentment about it.

 

[P. B. Walker]

sex has it's place in BDSM. Sometimes it is needed and sometimes it is not.

PBW

 

[rosco rathbone]

I can't seperate the two. Each is a method of jacking the other up to a higher level. Any "bdsm" shit-tortures, beating, bondings, humiliations, control, etc-makes me want to fuck. And when I fuck I want to beat, control, etc.

 

[naaki]

sex has it's place in BDSM. Sometimes it is needed and sometimes it is not.

PBW

That's an interesting thing to say PBW- but what does it mean?
How is sex needed or not needed in BDSM. Like- needed for what?
Release? Punishment? Intimacy?
Or are these examples of things that don't need to involve sexual sexy sex? (heh, I just like saying it)
Can you e'splain some more please?

 

[naaki]

I can't imagine why I would let anyone "BDSM" me if it did not eventually lead to my getting laid. Chastity makes me grouchy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Some people get off on frustrating others and making them grouchy. Who is to say that the un-fulfillment of your needs might not be the fulfillment of someone else's?

 

[Marquis]

I can't seperate the two. Each is a method of jacking the other up to a higher level. Any "bdsm" shit-tortures, beating, bondings, humiliations, control, etc-makes me want to fuck. And when I fuck I want to beat, control, etc.

That describes me to a tee as well!