Know thyself

[tealsphynx]

And "pleaser" and "dom" can easily go hand-in-hand. "Dom" doesn't exactly mean "selfish". You're pleasing their need to submit, is what that boils down to. It seems counterintuitive, but trust me, it works out logically. (Mind you, it'd take a Switch like me to come up with that logic, I think, but that doesn't make it any less valid.)

This bit here, that ""Dom" doesn't exactly mean "selfish"" That's a great way of putting it. There are times that it does feel more like I'm playing to his wants, but hey, who can resist a sub on their knees looking sweetly up at you saying "Please use the cane tonight"? I think it's an added bonus when I know that he's really wanting what I'm giving to him. Not just the "he likes it because it's what I want and as my sub he'll do anything I want" thing, more like a mutual like. Like good sex. When both people are in tune together about it it's an amazing zone.

 

[SirFace]

Apologies for the confusion over the self-image thing... it was that "now you can all hate me" kind of vibe in the last couple of sentences.

Ahh, Ok, I forgot about that. I was laying the groundwork for the expected assault I figured I might get (but didnt).

 

[SirFace]

SpectreT and tealsphynx. Thank you for posting that. That helps me understand better.

Another question. Maybe from all the great subs who post here.

As a sub, does it detract from or otherwise lessen the experience if you know the Dom is "pleasing" you and doing what you like and need?

I suppose this is different from sub to sub. Probably depends on what aspects you are more into. If its just pain lets say, then how you get there might not matter as much as if you needed the fear and submission. Am I thinking in the right direction?

 

[catalina_francisco]

My personality doesnt change, I dont miss work, I dont get into wrecks, I dont turn into any more of an asshole than I am already, I actually get more open and more fun and less inhibited. I am a drinking lover. I like myself more and as such, others like me more too. I can do many things better.

Given what you say here, not to mention a gazzillion research studies, it does actually change your personality and your reaction abilities, you just can't see it from your position...if it didn't, why would you like yourself more this way, why would you find things easier than when without alcohol? I was married to an alcoholic for many years, and it was amazig how well he learned to hide his drinking, often to the point others did not pickup on the signs until it had gone way beyond the point when I noticed the subtle changes...he also could go to work etc., but now is diabetic, has serious liver disease, and a multitude of other health issues. I don't want to come off as preaching, nor am I saying you are an alcoholic, just for your own well being want you to perhaps recognise the reality of what is happening as opposed to what you believe now.

Now, I must add that there have been some serious changes in the last month as some of you know. I have found some inner feelings and desires I didnt know I had, hell, no one knew, not even the one who loves me.

I think most here will tell you this is part of the journey we all experience..and the good thing is it happens over and over at various points in the discovery process of growth. It is an eye opening experience that serves to deepen all we hoped was going to happen...enjoy your journey to the fullest.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

As a sub, does it detract from or otherwise lessen the experience if you know the Dom is "pleasing" you and doing what you like and need?

I suppose this is different from sub to sub. Probably depends on what aspects you are more into. If its just pain lets say, then how you get there might not matter as much as if you needed the fear and submission. Am I thinking in the right direction?

For me it does, if that is the whole purpose and the only method he chooses. For us it works better if he does mostly what he wants, and at times adds a bit on that he knowsI will personally enjoy and want. Even so, he will never do something, no matter how much I might want it, if it does not appeal to him and fulfil his own desires.

You are right in that it will vary from sub to sub though. As far as masochists not caring, I have to say for myself it still matter a great deal how we arrive at that point. Perhaps if I were purely a physically motivated masochist it mightn't, but part of my masochistic desire is tied to the psychological and emotional levels as well as physical so all levels have to be addressed to make it a complete experience if that makes any sense. To complicate it further it all has to happen under the umbrella of D/s or there is no point once again.

Catalina

 

[SirFace]

. To complicate it further it all has to happen under the umbrella of D/s or there is no point once again.

Catalina

I appreciate your replys. I was doing well with everything posted until this line.

In the quoted statement are you refering to yourself?

I was under the impression that SM can exist on its own without the Ds. and as well that Ds can exist on its own without SM. I know that most have both but I didnt think one had to necessarily include the other.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I appreciate your replys. I was doing well with everything posted until this line.

In the quoted statement are you refering to yourself?

I was under the impression that SM can exist on its own without the Ds. and as well that Ds can exist on its own without SM. I know that most have both but I didnt think one had to necessarily include the other.

They can be separate entities for some, just not us.

Catalina

 

[SirFace]

They can be separate entities for some, just not us.

Catalina

Thank you for clearing that up.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Even so, he will never do something, no matter how much I might want it, if it does not appeal to him and fulfil his own desires.
Catalina

That kinda sums the whole thing up in a nutshell for me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Im sure I'll get attacked for this but the only time I really feel like "myself" is when I have an alcohol buzz on. Granted Ive been drinking since 14 and I am somewhat a pro. My personality doesnt change, I dont miss work, I dont get into wrecks, I dont turn into any more of an asshole than I am already, I actually get more open and more fun and less inhibited. I am a drinking lover. I like myself more and as such, others like me more too. I can do many things better. I usually know my limits and go to bed when I reach them. Am I an alcoholic? By some judgements, yes, by others, no. Do I need to drink, no. Do I always drink to excess, no. But I do feel better and more open and more in tune to who I am. So, chemical dependence? Sure. So what. Others have their own forms of "medication". Mine just happens to be old school. Doesnt automatically make it bad. I know it is for some people, I see them everyday.

I am sad that our society has branded drinking alcohol as "politically incorrect" while looking the other way at pot, crack, or any other forms of chemical dependance including coffee (yes coffee is not far off from nicotine) although they are really going Nazi on smoking (another old school vice). By the way, I was able to break a severe smoking habit many years ago (as my bulbous stomach will attest). Not that I have anything against the other forms of self medication, I just dont like mine being singled out.

Now, on to the subject at hand. Who am I? And how do I find this person?
I have always been a "pleaser". A camelion so to speak. I can adapt to most any situation or person quickly and effectively. Even to the point of picking up accents or languages quickly. This is very useful in my professional life but who exactly am I? I feel sometimes like I am only the reflection of who I am with at any given time. Does that bother me? Not really. Does it alter the reality of who I love and why? No, not at all. Does it prevent me from being Dominant? Hell no. And this is a new thing I didnt know about. My little buddy has already proven to me that Dominance is in my soul or he wouldnt be so happy (hard) to play the part. There is no conscious control of him. He gets happy on a level I cant control.

Now, I must add that there have been some serious changes in the last month as some of you know. I have found some inner feelings and desires I didnt know I had, hell, no one knew, not even the one who loves me.

So whats wrong with this. What if this is really who I am? If Im happy with it and the person who means everything to me is happy with it, why would I want or need to find out anything else. Who can honestly say they wouldnt want a person who wants to please them, in any form, even to dominance and sadism. Its not faking, even if the inner drive isnt the same. Like i said before, theres no fooling a cock. At my age, if it doesnt turn you on, hes not going to be either, no matter what.

Ok, now that Ive spilled my guts and I hope she isnt completely turned off by this, let me have it.

You have all been very nice to me as a nuby and let me have my fun. Heres your chance to see the real me as I see me.

Well I ain't gonna flame ya. We all have our issues, and isn't it great that we can still function, still love, still hate (some of us), still be hopeful? Still be YOUNG?

Women are taught from an early age to think of others before themselves. If you do not believe me, think about your own Mother and tell me if I am not right. I am a mother and I put my wants and needs on hold to raise my daughter and young sister in a safe environment. I was successful with my daughter and failed dismally with my young sister. You do the best you can and then you walk away.

I learned transcendental meditation over 30 years ago, and I still use it today. Not as often as I should, I admit. However, I have learned one thing. You must take a good long look at yourself, and know who you are and what you are. Cause if you do not, others will go out of their way to give you that information.

As for your use of alcohol, the fact that you mentioned it makes me wonder if you are thinking about it. I always find time to discuss the things that I am "examining" in one way or another. I love to drink, but now I know the place alcohol has in my life, and it keep it there for "fun".

This is a good place to put yourself out there. It is a nicer place than when I was here before. I left because I had more positive reasons to stop posting than I had to keep posting.

I have always wrestled with my weight. I starting losing weight when I just started living my life from the inside out, not the outside in. I do not diet, I eat what I want, but moderately. I exercise when I can, but do not beat myself up if I do not. It is amazing, but the weight just falls off.

Being a dominant has been a positive experience for me in all areas of my life. I use the power exchange in all areas of my life. I love being a lifestyle dominant. I feel I am successful as a dominant because I know myself so well and it allows me to seek submissives who have also done their homework.

I think knowing what drives you and being able to use it to your advantage is more important that what your inner drive is. To recognize the things you need to make you happy is a gift.

Eb

 

[SpectreT]

This bit here, that ""Dom" doesn't exactly mean "selfish"" That's a great way of putting it. There are times that it does feel more like I'm playing to his wants, but hey, who can resist a sub on their knees looking sweetly up at you saying "Please use the cane tonight"? I think it's an added bonus when I know that he's really wanting what I'm giving to him. Not just the "he likes it because it's what I want and as my sub he'll do anything I want" thing, more like a mutual like. Like good sex. When both people are in tune together about it it's an amazing zone.

Exactly. Again, maybe it's because I'm a Switch, but sometimes, it (domination) felt like a service I was performing, and enjoying. And will again, once I get back into a relationship. And sometimes, it's fun to spring something on them you know they like, and you like. Just plain having fun with it.

 

[SpectreT]

For me it does, if that is the whole purpose and the only method he chooses. For us it works better if he does mostly what he wants, and at times adds a bit on that he knowsI will personally enjoy and want. Even so, he will never do something, no matter how much I might want it, if it does not appeal to him and fulfil his own desires.

You are right in that it will vary from sub to sub though. As far as masochists not caring, I have to say for myself it still matter a great deal how we arrive at that point. Perhaps if I were purely a physically motivated masochist it mightn't, but part of my masochistic desire is tied to the psychological and emotional levels as well as physical so all levels have to be addressed to make it a complete experience if that makes any sense. To complicate it further it all has to happen under the umbrella of D/s or there is no point once again.

Catalina

Thanks for this - B/D was always my primary focus, D/S a close second, and S/M a distant third, so that was one I couldn't easily address. But this gave my brain the fuel to answer, from my submissive side.

The only time it could damage a scene, or playtime, is if I knew there wasn't anything in it for the Dominant. Mind you, if they get a kick out of seeing me happy as a clam in deep sand, so much the better, for both of us, but if an activity isn't their cup of tea, I wouldn't expect them to engage in it just to make me happy; that wouldn't be terribly submissive of me, now, would it?

 

[SpectreT]

Well I ain't gonna flame ya. We all have our issues, and isn't it great that we can still function, still love, still hate (some of us), still be hopeful? Still be YOUNG?

Women are taught from an early age to think of others before themselves. If you do not believe me, think about your own Mother and tell me if I am not right. I am a mother and I put my wants and needs on hold to raise my daughter and young sister in a safe environment. I was successful with my daughter and failed dismally with my young sister. You do the best you can and then you walk away.

I learned transcendental meditation over 30 years ago, and I still use it today. Not as often as I should, I admit. However, I have learned one thing. You must take a good long look at yourself, and know who you are and what you are. Cause if you do not, others will go out of their way to give you that information.

As for your use of alcohol, the fact that you mentioned it makes me wonder if you are thinking about it. I always find time to discuss the things that I am "examining" in one way or another. I love to drink, but now I know the place alcohol has in my life, and it keep it there for "fun".

This is a good place to put yourself out there. It is a nicer place than when I was here before. I left because I had more positive reasons to stop posting than I had to keep posting.

I have always wrestled with my weight. I starting losing weight when I just started living my life from the inside out, not the outside in. I do not diet, I eat what I want, but moderately. I exercise when I can, but do not beat myself up if I do not. It is amazing, but the weight just falls off.

Being a dominant has been a positive experience for me in all areas of my life. I use the power exchange in all areas of my life. I love being a lifestyle dominant. I feel I am successful as a dominant because I know myself so well and it allows me to seek submissives who have also done their homework.

I think knowing what drives you and being able to use it to your advantage is more important that what your inner drive is. To recognize the things you need to make you happy is a gift.

Eb

... And, to nobody's great surprise, Eb nailed it.

 

[SirFace]

I think knowing what drives you and being able to use it to your advantage is more important that what your inner drive is. To recognize the things you need to make you happy is a gift.

Eb

Yea, especially this part. It made me feel much better and much more comfortable with where I am.

I had many more questions and concerns answered yesterday and last night. We are opening up more. I even think I got her close to subspace. I know after the festivities I was out of it too, and in a very good way. I am also finding that orchestrating the whole event is much more exciting and fulfilling than I would have ever thought.

Oh, and those listerine cool mint strips are just about the greatest thing ever, for both of us, everywhere. Im buying stock, shes going to buy out walmarts stock. WooHoo.

 

[Ebonyfire]

WooHoo.

WooHoo indeed!

Eb

 

[FurryFury]

I know and accept myself better today than I ever had but hopefully not as well as I will tomorrow.

I believe you can never know yourself well enough. There are always more surprises to discover. Therefore you can never know another as well as you think and that keeps life pretty interesting, IMO.

Fury