kissing/foreplay

[WhisperHaven]

How do you teach a man about kissing and foreplay without bruising his ego and without frustrating him and yourself when he's doing it wrong?

 

[Different Guy]

heh heh dunno how to reply to this. I'm sorta getting sick of the lack of foreplay myself... and I'm the guy! Last night was the last straw tho. Not that it's the first time but last night just pissed me right off. Y'know we started off, well I did as usual and finished getting her off and then she just lay next to me and tried to go to sleep. Urgh she does that so often now. She loves it from me, it's not that I suck she just really doesn't care or seem to think anywhere in her mind, "gee does that guy want the same...?"

Which is why it relates to your post cos I think I've got the same issue as you. I've tried teasing, I've tried placing her hand on my chest. When I place it on my crotch it's as though it's a chore. So I dunno, I guess they didn't work.

We've had loads of sexual fun but she just cares about it for herself and I can't help doing it because it's a turn on for me too so I enjoy it but I would like to feel the touch of herself on me once in a while.

So I guess I'm asking the same question but unfortunately doubtful there's an answer that wouldn't result in an argument or fall out. I sorta confronted her not too long ago in an email and she took a very childish approach to it.

I'm not being sexist or stereotypical here but it seems like the typical woman thing she does here, because when I don't do anything like that for her, such as foreplay she complains and says that she's horrible and stuff. Yet she does buttkiss all for me! Just makes me grr real bad!

 

[WhisperHaven]

I'm glad to know it's not a strictly female issue. I can only imagine how men who really love their wives, but feel sexually incompatible must feel.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

My honey has been lacking in the foreplay department in the past,and finally recently, we had kissed and cuddled and fingered, etc, and I just wasn't ready yet.. I knew if we had sex then, I would have been left wanting more... so he moved to enter me, and I said.. "no.. not yet... I'm not ready yet". And he grinned and said okay, and went back to taunting the hell out of my nipples.

Don't TELL him, necessarily, but SHOW him... don't let him move in to make love, until your body and mind is ready for it.. keep him at bay by licking and sucking various body parts, by scraping nails over him, etc. Most men won't just lay there and take it while you do such things.. and if they do, tell him that you want him to explore you as you're doing the same to him.

 

[Different Guy]

It is frustrating, and I love my girlfriend eternally so it's not as though I'd lay down rules to it or anything like that. It is annoying though when you do so many things for her and she enjoys it loads but doesn't seem to think about returning it. I have very sensitive nipples and love them being carressed and played with and often I would do things with hers that I want to mine and she just does not bother.

But of course if I say that to her it blows everything outta the water

 

[Ms_Lilith]

It is frustrating, and I love my girlfriend eternally so it's not as though I'd lay down rules to it or anything like that. It is annoying though when you do so many things for her and she enjoys it loads but doesn't seem to think about returning it. I have very sensitive nipples and love them being carressed and played with and often I would do things with hers that I want to mine and she just does not bother.

But of course if I say that to her it blows everything outta the water

I would address it out of the bedroom. Just mention in a sidelong way that hey, I really like it when you touch my nipples.. I wish you'd do it more often.

Something like that. IF she gets all bitchy about it, just say that you know she enjoys it and you're doing your best for her, a little reciprocation isn't out of the question.

 

[SkyyAngel]

Have you tried talking to him about it? I mean...I've discussed it with my ex's and they weren't hurt with a bruised ego or whatever. They accepted what I liked and learned from the experience. Just say something like, "Every woman is different and your last gf may have liked it this way but I like it this way..." Which is really the truth. Same with guys. They're all different and different things turn them on.

You could also try moaning and moving about a bit more during the little bit of foreplay you do seem to be getting and perhaps not as much if they skip right into the sex without you being ready. Know what I mean? Get more "into" the foreplay and not so much the actual penetration part. Body language is a great thing in the bedroom....hopefully your man is astute enough to notice it...some men I know are just clueless about anything beyond blowing their load.

As for the kissing...my advice (and I've done this before) is for you to initaite the kissing and be "in charge" of it. If you want more tongue be more forceful and stick your tongue on in there....unless he's braindead he'll probably reciprocate the action. Same with anything else...if you like to have you lower lip sucked on a bit then go and do that to him...perhaps a little nibble. Do to him what you want done to yourself.

 

[WhisperHaven]

Have you tried talking to him about it?
<snip>
As for the kissing...my advice (and I've done this before) is for you to initaite the kissing and be "in charge" of it. If you want more tongue be more forceful and stick your tongue on in there....unless he's braindead he'll probably reciprocate the action. Same with anything else...if you like to have you lower lip sucked on a bit then go and do that to him...perhaps a little nibble. Do to him what you want done to yourself.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face, and basically his attitude is that I was the one who initiated sex in the first place (which is the case 99% of the time) so I should already be ready for him.

As far as kissing him the way I want to be kissed. I just don't think he likes open mouthed kissing. I've told him several times that sometimes I feel like he's kissing me like he would kiss his sister.

Thanks for the advice, though.

 

[Different Guy]

It's a delicate subject and it'd break her heart if she thought she wasn't doing anything for me. Even though she knows she not and doesn't bother but for some reason 'that' doesn't affect her. Being told however, would...

Stupid huh?

 

[WhisperHaven]

It's a delicate subject and it'd break her heart if she thought she wasn't doing anything for me. Even though she knows she not and doesn't bother but for some reason 'that' doesn't affect her. Being told however, would...

Stupid huh?

It's difficult. Especially when you love the person and don't want to hurt them, but you also feel your needs aren't being met.

If the need was purely the need to experience orgasm, I'd be perfectly satisfied with self-gratification, but I need to be kissed and touched with passion (not manhandled).

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I am not a protector of ego, male or female.

I have never faked an orgasm, or gasped when something didn't really induce it, and I'm very blunt. My lovers have had to remove their macho or feminine mystique illusions from their own eyes with me. If soething doesn't work, I tell them. Then I guide them and teach them what does. Their next lovers have always thanked me.

I tell my lover when he's not pleasing me, I tell him what will, and he is open minded enough to comply with me, and I listen to him as well. Soemtimes a technique that normally works on him just won't, and he'll suggest something else, or tell me to stop altogether. There are no stupid fragile dimensions in our bedroom, we are honest.

It works, for the most part.

 

[Different Guy]

Hi [PinkOrchid] thanks for the reply. The thing is that I was a virgin in all sexual ways before I met my girlfriend and I said at the beginning of our relationship, sex isn't important to me. It's not one of those key factors in my life. Also, I have every respect for anyone who doesn't fancy going down on a guy.

Now, all is well if we discussed that and y'know, left it at sex not being important. However, it seems as though sexual relief isn't important for me, but that doesn't mean she doesn't get it. I have explained that I want it as much as her. Y'know, it's not as important to me simply for respect towards a girl but here, it's me being taken by advantage. Because I said that, she is getting what she wants from me with the "it's not as important to you tho" attitude. Not as blunt as that, but I'm thinking that's what it could be like.

It wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't doing it for her. If we both didn't find sexual stuff important it'd be fine. But when I'm working myself for her, I'm becoming frustrated. I have nothing wrong with pleasing myself, but I feel like a fool having to when I do it for her too.

Some nights after I will wake up frustrated really pissed off and I guess the other morning was it. I would be in real bad moods all day stewing over what goes on during the night. How she is totally fulfilled and I am so empty.

I would never demand anything from her. Such as say, do the same for me or it's over sort of ultimatum. I tried not doing anything for her before but she is so beautiful and turns me on that I enjoy going down or massaging her body so I give up instantly yet still go home unsatisfied. I guess I'll try harder this time.

 

[Guest]

I agree with Pink Orchid

Different Guy, listen to what Pink Orchid is saying. I have to totally agree with her. Sounds like you and your lady need to learn to really communicate with each other - that is such a big part of a happy relationship. I'm finding that out after 20 years of being married to the same man. We hardly ever really talk, sex is completely routine, boring and obligatory, we are basically two people living separate lives in the same house. I finally spoke up about it a couple months ago and we are now really making an effort to communicate and are in counseling. I'm not sure if the marriage will last, but I know we will both be able to tell each other what is important to us.

 

[Different Guy]

We do talk, we are amazingly open with each other. It's just something that cannot be talked about, I dunno

 

[DuckLover]

I've talked until I'm blue in the face, and basically his attitude is that I was the one who initiated sex in the first place (which is the case 99% of the time) so I should already be ready for him.

That statement strikes me as extremely selfish and insensitive! I now have visions of him saying "You want sex? ok, fine... here's my cock... *thrust, thrust, cum* ok, there. Can I go back to ESPN now?" Are you sure you're with the right guy?

If you're 'blue in the face' from talking and aren't getting the kind of response you're seeking, you and he may benefit from some couples counseling. Even if he won't go, you may want to go by yourself.

You might also try looking into educational options you can both do together. Check out some books on kissing or general sex. (I definitely recommend the "Guide to Getting It On!" by Paul Joannides [Goofy Foot Press, 2002] ) You could present it in a fun "Let's read this together!" way. Some sex shops, including Good Vibrations, even offer 'workshops' on things like kissing. Check around you local shops and ask what they recommend. Like any good retail establishment, the staff should be knowledgable about their products and how to learn more.

 

[DuckLover]

The thing is that I was a virgin in all sexual ways before I met my girlfriend and I said at the beginning of our relationship, sex isn't important to me. <SNIP> I have explained that I want it as much as her. Y'know, it's not as important to me simply for respect towards a girl but here, it's me being taken by advantage.

The fact that you were a virgin before her gives you the perfect opening. You might try something along the lines of "Wow, honey. I love you so much and have learned so much from you. Based on how great our sex can be, I've realized that physical affection really IS important to me. I never knew how powerful it could be in a relationship." Certainly don't say anything untrue, but it's perfectly legitimate to contrast your opinion before and after being with her.

I would never demand anything from her. Such as say, do the same for me or it's over sort of ultimatum. I tried not doing anything for her before but she is so beautiful and turns me on that I enjoy going down or massaging her body so I give up instantly yet still go home unsatisfied.

You're right that an ultimatum is rarely a good idea. At the same time, it IS important to tell her what you want and need. You might couch it in reciprocal terms: "It's a lot of fun to have really free-flowing sex, but sometimes I just want to focus entirely on you. And occasionally I'd love to have you just focus on me. What do you think of sometimes planning nights specifically for each other?" Then you could each talk about what your ideal night would look like-- hot bath? candles? music? massage? special dinner? oral? anal? mostly kissing? Be sure to include the non-sexual parts-- this night is more than just sex, it's a seduction date. Let her know that on her night she can have whatever she wants, even if there's no sex involved. (Maybe she'd really love to just cuddle and kiss. Who knows until you ask!)

 

[WhisperHaven]

That statement strikes me as extremely selfish and insensitive! I now have visions of him saying "You want sex? ok, fine... here's my cock... *thrust, thrust, cum* ok, there. Can I go back to ESPN now?" Are you sure you're with the right guy?

If you're 'blue in the face' from talking and aren't getting the kind of response you're seeking, you and he may benefit from some couples counseling. Even if he won't go, you may want to go by yourself.

You might also try looking into educational options you can both do together. Check out some books on kissing or general sex. (I definitely recommend the "Guide to Getting It On!" by Paul Joannides [Goofy Foot Press, 2002] ) You could present it in a fun "Let's read this together!" way. Some sex shops, including Good Vibrations, even offer 'workshops' on things like kissing. Check around you local shops and ask what they recommend. Like any good retail establishment, the staff should be knowledgable about their products and how to learn more.

I suppose it does sound pretty bad when you look at it that way, but I feel that way because I know his sex drive is way lower than mine, so I don't think he could care less if we have sex. My opinion on it is, if we're going to wait so long between sessions, it better be quality sex. It's a bit of a catch 22. He's really not a bad guy. We're highly compatible in every other aspect of the marriage, except the bedroom.

I will look into the books, however. I think that's a VERY good idea. Thanks so much for your advice and to everyone else who has offered suggestions. I'm off to send the kids to bed and try (once again) to seduce the man.

 

[DuckLover]

...I feel that way because I know his sex drive is way lower than mine, so I don't think he could care less if we have sex. <SNIP>

It sounds like you have a two-part dilemma-- lack of sex drive AND lack of foreplay. Hopefully we're successfully addressing the latter in this thread. Have you read the Mis-matched Sex Drives thread? There is a lot of great information there about possible causes and ways to overcome the issue.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=179870&highlight=mismatched

Let us know what you try and what aspects were successful (and not). Doing so may help us generate new suggestions. Hang in there!

 

[Different Guy]

About me

Hey!

To everyone who took part in talking with me you'll be glad to know that everything is all worked out and well... the past 3 nights have been crazy...

We talked bout it after I took a give what I receive attitude and she noticed so we talked it through. It turns out that it relates back to the first (and only time well until the past 3 nights ) that we had sex. Because it was my first time and not hers, I came straight away but didn't tell her due to y'know, embaressment. So I kinda lost my erection after that and to cut it short she thought it was her fault and she wasn't good at anything like that.

So we cleared things up and was sorta a confidence issue and she wasn't too hasty or comfortable in doing anything about it, but at the same time couldn't reject what I offered her.

So to everyone concerned, thanks for your views and opinions, they didn't go unnoticed and I am once again the happiest guy alive so there

 

[DuckLover]

Glad to hear that everything worked out. It's amazing how often interpersonal conflicts and difficulties are the direct result of miscommunication. Effective communication skills are among the absolute most important for happiness. (They also happen to be the skills most sought by employers, regardless of industry!)

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[WhisperHaven]

DG, I'm so glad to hear things are going better for you.

DuckLover, thanks for the thread link. I plan on reading it as soon as I'm done posting. I did manage to get some alone time with him last night and we talked a little bit. He's under a great deal of stress and I'm feeling it.

Anyway, I'll read the thread and report back.

THANKS

 

[Different Guy]

Thanks WH I hope you get things sorted out too, it does happen I'm proof

 

[WhisperHaven]

Interesting suggestion

I thought it was an interesting suggestion to have him hold me while I masturbate. I've tried that a few times and the first time it was a novelty for him and he couldn't resist joining in.

I think this is very much a problem of different drives, as was suggested, especially because I think the kissing and foreplay issue is just a means to an end for him when he's not in the mood. Maybe with a little mental reconditioning from my end, I can realize that I would probably rather cuddle or not have sex at all than to be frustrated at "bad" sex.

Then again, he was in the mood last night and it was good, so maybe my opinion is not the slanted opinion of a woman in her prime who is desperate for good sex.