Kinky Poems

[Trixareforkids]

Ha! Made ya look

Now, don't run away, but this is yet another, 'can you help me work the kinks out thread'. Why start a new one? Because I really liked the thread title

This is for poems that you like but just can't figure out where to go with. The something's not quite right, or something's missing pieces.

The types of feedback here can fall anywhere on the critique scale:
yup, it's got bones, keep feeding it
sorry doll, scrap it (except maybe this one bit)
try this/that/the other here or there

If you feel like doing an in depth breakdown with your advice you're welcome to, but any and all bits of advice are being sought.

Like other threads I'd like this to be interactive, so please only post one for every five you offer up advice for.

I've still got a lot to learn, so at the moment most of my advice will be of the 'how about this' variety as I can't explain the why's of a thing yet.

A touch of snark, bits of funning, and complete re-writes as exemplars are all welcome, just keep it to the piece and I think we'll have peace. I'll drop my current stick widget below as the first victim, ah sampler.

 

[Trixareforkids]

.....

 

[pensivepoet]

Ha! I knew it was a trick
Uh huh, did too
But i'm gonna let the experts pipe in on your kinks. I'll take a seat in the bleachers and have a hot dog and beer.
Good ruck!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I don't think we've had a Kinky poems thread before

 

[Hypoxia]

I was young, pre-adolescent. A friend gave me a 45rpm record (yes, it was that long ago). On one side was:

"Take your cigarette from its holder
And burn your initials in my shoulder
Fracture my spine
And say that you're mine
As we dance to the Masochism Tango..."

And the other side contained:

"All the world is in tune
On a spring afternoon
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park...
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment
Except for the few we take home to experiment..."

Yes, I was corrupted by Tom Lehrer. Life is good.

I know I have some kinky songs buried in my archives somewhere. I'll dig'em out.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I was young, pre-adolescent. A friend gave me a 45rpm record (yes, it was that long ago). On one side was:

"Take your cigarette from its holder
And burn your initials in my shoulder
Fracture my spine
And say that you're mine
As we dance to the Masochism Tango..."

And the other side contained:

"All the world is in tune
On a spring afternoon
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park...
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment
Except for the few we take home to experiment..."

Yes, I was corrupted by Tom Lehrer. Life is good.

I know I have some kinky songs buried in my archives somewhere. I'll dig'em out.

I think you've missed the point of the thread, concentrating only on the title.

 

[Magnetron]

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
=====================
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
=====================
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment

What is the relationship between the Title and these 3 sections and each section to one another?

I feel the Title could somehow be tied into Part 3 if you create an association between holding your peace with holding your breath.

 

[corndog_]

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment



Thoughts, suggestions, slice and dice, or crash and burn?

Just a thought-- presently each line is a discreet thought, which gives it a choppy feel. Consider some variation in the break pattern.

Here is one idea: move the word "about" to the end of the line before it, creating some momentum into the image that follows.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Just a thought-- presently each line is a discreet thought, which gives it a choppy feel. Consider some variation in the break pattern.

Here is one idea: move the word "about" to the end of the line before it, creating some momentum into the image that follows.

Thanks corndog, I will play with the breaks a bit see if that does enough to get it past the kinked feel.

 

[KatieJones]

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment



Thoughts, suggestions, slice and dice, or crash and burn?

Hi Trixie,

I feel like I quickly need to explain why I will read a poem and love it and why I may not finish a poem or finish it and not feel affected by it.

I envision myself as a reader kinda floating out in a sea of my own creation, moving with the tide and my own forward momentum. Poems are like throwing me a rope from another place in that ocean. One I have never visited (exactly) before and that place is your vision and take on a moment in time. And I say exactly because I may have experienced something similar but it's never exact because only you can see the world through your eyes. If the words in the poem allow me to see clearly what you envision then I am drawn in by 'the rope' very quickly and without any break in momentum as I head toward your vision. If the words aren't clear or don't evoke quite enough clarity then in that uncertainty my movement toward your vision stalls and I am still drifting and when I am drifting I never reach the moment where I see what you wanted me to see or feel what you wanted me to feel.

With your strong first three lines you are pulling me in at a steady and quick rate and then with the next four lines the momentum stalls with the next few images because they are so vast and unspecific. They are so vast that when my brain searches for meaning in them it comes up with so many that it ends of dismissing them all and it doesn't resonate or stay with me.

Because I don't quite get the 'set up' of the first half of the poem, the meaning and contradictions of the second half are lost on me a little.

I don't know if that confuses or helps. I do get why you want to work on it because like I said the first three lines are strong and I can feel the emotion simmering in it but I don''t connect with it because the imagery and connections don't quite get me there as a reader.

 

[twelveoone]

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment



Thoughts, suggestions, slice and dice, or crash and burn?

Speak to me
with dis eased tongue
'bout what cramps your heart (cross this)
and about what bleeds into your brain

A full plate holds us
dry lips lick spittle
as your glass fills with an ocean of foam
and waves in the direction of home

And I will love you forever
in that moment
and than even more so
when I drown

Over foam spittled dry lips (is over fat noun phrase)

NEEDS MORE COWBELL

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Speak to me
with dis eased tongue
over foam spittled dry lips.
What bleeds your heart
cramps your brain?
The empty glass and
full platter before you.
Pull me under your empty oceans
hold me there, kicking
fighting to surface
until I drown.
And I will love you forever
in that moment.

 

[twelveoone]

I said
http://static.squarespace.com/static/50065b51e4b09ef2252bf9a4/t/534aecf4e4b08984da535656/1397419338849/needs-more-cowbell.jpg
not commas, Annie. Trix ain't no period slingin' bitch. She's from Florida. Those things attract alligators. If she starting puttin' them on the end of the line, and she disappears, I'm holding you responsible.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I said
http://static.squarespace.com/static/50065b51e4b09ef2252bf9a4/t/534aecf4e4b08984da535656/1397419338849/needs-more-cowbell.jpg
not commas, Annie. Trix ain't no period slingin' bitch. She's from Florida. Those things attract alligators. If she starting puttin' them on the end of the line, and she disappears, I'm holding you responsible.

Bwaahaha! This just made me startle my dog with a barking laugh.

I'm taking the fact no one has said burn it as a good sign.

UYS, thanks for the example on how to truncate it, tighten it up. Don't like the question but I did appreciate some of the line breaks.

1201, thanks for the cowbell and for poking at my fat. I can hear Jillian Michaels yelling at me, "quit your whining, do the fucking crunches." Your exemplar re-write took it somewhere different but gave me much food for though. Oh, and your bolded lines, were damn close to my original draft.

Katie, thanks for your thoughts as well, it's good to know where people are hearing the hiccups.

Busy weekend here so, I'll absorb it all and do a re-write in the next few days.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

If punctuation attracts Alligators I'm for the chop or the 'tick, tock, tick, tock' oops no that was a Crocodile

 

[UnderYourSpell]

If you don't like the question mark how about
.
Speak to me
with dis eased tongue
over foam spittled dry lips
that bleeds your heart and
cramps your brain with
an empty glass and
full platter before you.
Pull me under your empty oceans
hold me there, kicking
fighting to surface
until I drown.
And I will love you forever
in that moment.

 

[Tsotha]

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment



Thoughts, suggestions, slice and dice, or crash and burn?

Why do you want to change it?

 

[Trixareforkids]

Why do you want to change it?

Because something feels off about it to me but I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is kinking it up.

Offering it up for suggestions, which I will play with when we stop rearranging furniture, will hopefully help me figure out where the kinks were so I work them out.

 

[Tsotha]

Because something feels off about it to me but I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is kinking it up.

Offering it up for suggestions, which I will play with when we stop rearranging furniture, will hopefully help me figure out where the kinks were so I work them out.

Ok, then.

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Speak to me
With dis eased tongue
Over foam spittled dry lips
About what bleeds your heart
About what cramps your brain
About the empty glass and
Full platter before you
Pull me under your empty oceans
Hold me there
Kicking and fighting to surface
Until I drown
And I will love you forever
In that moment



Thoughts, suggestions, slice and dice, or crash and burn?

I think it doesn't need modification. Now:

"dis eased tongue" -> diseased, a tongue with a disease
a tongue that says things which are considered sick / immoral
a connection with the empty glass below, this eased tongue, truth made easy to say by alcohol

"foam spittled" -> this person is angry? Raving? Insane?

Foam + empty glass = Drunk, eased lips speaking truths about...

about, repeat for emphasis, echo, echo -> empty ocean

speak about the "empty glass / full platter" -> lack of that which inebriates? Surplus of concerns (full platter)? Complaining of an empty glass, whilst having your mouth full (complaining without cause)?

love <-> drown - love in the moment of drowning? Of being part of the emptiness? Of not saying the truth?
kick and fight <-> hold down - love due to being held, kept from saying things?

Love due to boredom? No, wait, he is raving over everything, with foam spittled dry lips. He cannot be empty / boring. Or maybe he is drunk. So?

forever in that moment -> what this actually means to me is "yeah he is a cool guy, except not to hang out with for more than an hour"

So many options, so few signposts, which is always interesting. It's like I'm writing my own poem. OTOH explain too much and it all falls down.

(never give me the crayons)

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Why did you split diseased by the way?

 

[Trixareforkids]

Why did you split diseased by the way?

Because to me it was better for conveying uneasy/uncomfortable as well as problems such as my sister's, who had cancer removed from her tongue, and thus has physical difficulty speaking.

The whole pieces is about speaking when it's difficult to do so for emotional/social/physical reasons. How doing so despite those difficulties brings people closer to one another, even if it's only momentarily and can potentially thwart later regret, thus the title.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thanks for explaining and best wishes to your sister

 

[Trixareforkids]

Thanks for explaining and best wishes to your sister

Sis does damn good for what she's got to work with. The piece isn't about her but she's the first example of physical speech issues that comes to mind.

 

[Tsotha]

Because to me it was better for conveying uneasy/uncomfortable as well as problems such as my sister's, who had cancer removed from her tongue, and thus has physical difficulty speaking.

The whole pieces is about speaking when it's difficult to do so for emotional/social/physical reasons. How doing so despite those difficulties brings people closer to one another, even if it's only momentarily and can potentially thwart later regret, thus the title.

Oh, no. You've explained too much... Too much! Augh grlblblbb. mumble
*Eyes exploding in their sockets*

Though seriously, if you want people to see all that you'll need more signs to lead the way. I'm a ridiculous person, and you can see above how confused I managed to get with title + 13 lines, but more signs.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Oh, no. You've explained too much... Too much! Augh grlblblbb. mumble
*Eyes exploding in their sockets*

Though seriously, if you want people to see all that you'll need more signs to lead the way. I'm a ridiculous person, and you can see above how confused I managed to get with title + 13 lines, but more signs.

Aww, lol, I knew you wouldn't appreciate the explanation but I say you didn't get confused, you went here the words, as you read them led you. That valuable info to me. Shows that it's kinkier than I thought.