Kink Shaming

[Astrotrain]

There's lately been an alarming rise of kink shaming in general and anti BDSM rhetoric in particular among both left wing feminists and right wing conservatives alike and it probably should be discussed. That's not why I started this thread though. I started it because I came up with a good zinger and I don't know where else to share it. Namely for people who respond to "stop kink shaming!" with "kink shaming is my kink!":

"Really? Me too! There's something about being called a degenerate pervert that's just so fucking hot!"

"Really? You even get off to that you disgusting patriarchal oppressor/godless heathen? You're a complete fucking sicko who should be fired from their job and ostracised from society!"

"Oh yeah baby, that's the stuff. Was it good for you too?"

Etcetera, Etcetera.

 

[OddLove]

Recently I had a conversation with a older guy who thought young women being ageist because they wouldn't respond to his messages, and many of them had age limitations in their bios, such is '30-40 only'. I told him that it wasn't ageist to prefer dating people around their own age.

He hit me with the generic Andrew Tate type rhetoric, 'Younger woman are more fertile and have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so it's natural for older men to desire them', and 'Older men are better providers then younger men'.

I responded by, 1. Explaining younger men have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so older men impregnating young woman might be a benefit for older men, but a detriment and risky for young women. And 2. The more rights and opportunities women have in a society, the less they have to settle for 'a good provider' so they don't prioritize wealth over things like attraction, personality, compatibility, etc.

He immediately pivoted to calling me ageist and said I was a hypocrite, claiming that if he was gay or into trans woman then I wouldn't be 'kink shaming' him for his sexuality.

I could've explained that homosexuality is not a kink, then explain that most trans woman don't like being fetishized which is why they avoid 'chasers', and then explain that he's just a 'chaser' who fetishizes young women for their youth, which is why most young women will avoid him. But I didn't have the patience to untangle his faulty logic and reasoning skills combined with his strong desire to be a victim of ageism, so I just left the conversation.

My point is... what I learned from that conversation is that if somebody's dumb enough, they can lump anything that makes their private parts tingle into the 'kink' and 'fetish' category then use the 'don't kink shame me' defense.

 

[Astrotrain]

Recently I had a conversation with a older guy who thought young women being ageist because they wouldn't respond to his messages, and many of them had age limitations in their bios, such is '30-40 only'.

Sounds like he's kink shaming women who prefer younger men.

 

[andthighbootsforall]

Recently I had a conversation with a older guy who thought young women being ageist because they wouldn't respond to his messages, and many of them had age limitations in their bios, such is '30-40 only'. I told him that it wasn't ageist to prefer dating people around their own age.

He hit me with the generic Andrew Tate type rhetoric, 'Younger woman are more fertile and have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so it's natural for older men to desire them', and 'Older men are better providers then younger men'.

I responded by, 1. Explaining younger men have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so older men impregnating young woman might be a benefit for older men, but a detriment and risky for young women. And 2. The more rights and opportunities women have in a society, the less they have to settle for 'a good provider' so they don't prioritize wealth over things like attraction, personality, compatibility, etc.

He immediately pivoted to calling me ageist and said I was a hypocrite, claiming that if he was gay or into trans woman then I wouldn't be 'kink shaming' him for his sexuality.

I could've explained that homosexuality is not a kink, then explain that most trans woman don't like being fetishized which is why they avoid 'chasers', and then explain that he's just a 'chaser' who fetishizes young women for their youth, which is why most young women will avoid him. But I didn't have the patience to untangle his faulty logic and reasoning skills combined with his strong desire to be a victim of ageism, so I just left the conversation.

My point is... what I learned from that conversation is that if somebody's dumb enough, they can lump anything that makes their private parts tingle into the 'kink' and 'fetish' category then use the 'don't kink shame me' defense.

Ageist? Can’t we like what we like without being ridiculed? What if someone were looking for a smoker, or a non-smoker? Maybe a full figured partner or skinny?

Never be ashamed for liking what you like and having limits.

 

[SmokingFap]

Ageist? Can’t we like what we like without being ridiculed? What if someone were looking for a smoker, or a non-smoker? Maybe a full figured partner or skinny?

Never be ashamed for liking what you like and having limits.

I literally could not agree with this more. I am trying, but apparently 100% is the actual maximum.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I try not to kink shame, though some dynamics just don't float my boat, and some activities (i.e. sounding) do make me squeamish. Some of my own personal kinks make other people squeamish though, so that's part of why I have no place to judge.

I've said this before, so I apologize if I repeat myself, but for me the "Shame" comes from being resigned to finding a sexually "vanilla" partner, due to likewise, living in a smaller and more sexually conservative city. I don't want to freak out the person I care about and am attracted to by asking her to, well, be kinky with me- especially if she's clearly not.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Recently I had a conversation with a older guy who thought young women being ageist because they wouldn't respond to his messages, and many of them had age limitations in their bios, such is '30-40 only'. I told him that it wasn't ageist to prefer dating people around their own age.

He hit me with the generic Andrew Tate type rhetoric, 'Younger woman are more fertile and have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so it's natural for older men to desire them', and 'Older men are better providers then younger men'.

I responded by, 1. Explaining younger men have a better chance of having a healthy baby, so older men impregnating young woman might be a benefit for older men, but a detriment and risky for young women. And 2. The more rights and opportunities women have in a society, the less they have to settle for 'a good provider' so they don't prioritize wealth over things like attraction, personality, compatibility, etc.

He immediately pivoted to calling me ageist and said I was a hypocrite, claiming that if he was gay or into trans woman then I wouldn't be 'kink shaming' him for his sexuality.

I could've explained that homosexuality is not a kink, then explain that most trans woman don't like being fetishized which is why they avoid 'chasers', and then explain that he's just a 'chaser' who fetishizes young women for their youth, which is why most young women will avoid him. But I didn't have the patience to untangle his faulty logic and reasoning skills combined with his strong desire to be a victim of ageism, so I just left the conversation.

My point is... what I learned from that conversation is that if somebody's dumb enough, they can lump anything that makes their private parts tingle into the 'kink' and 'fetish' category then use the 'don't kink shame me' defense.

The problem can’t *possibly* be his gross entitlement and creepy behavior, nope. Dude needs to learn that no is a complete sentence and move on. Thank you for doing the hard work of trying to educate him but I doubt he absorbed anything. Maybe we can just copy paste your words, anonymously to protect you, next time we get creeped on by a guy like that.

 

[Astrotrain]

He should stop being ageist and start dating women his own age.

 

[Boat1]

There's lately been an alarming rise of kink shaming in general and anti BDSM rhetoric in particular among both left wing feminists and right wing conservatives alike and it probably should be discussed. That's not why I started this thread though. I started it because I came up with a good zinger and I don't know where else to share it. Namely for people who respond to "stop kink shaming!" with "kink shaming is my kink!":

"Really? Me too! There's something about being called a degenerate pervert that's just so fucking hot!"

"Really? You even get off to that you disgusting patriarchal oppressor/godless heathen? You're a complete fucking sicko who should be fired from their job and ostracised from society!"

"Oh yeah baby, that's the stuff. Was it good for you too?"

Etcetera, Etcetera.

That's an interesting thought, but I'm SOOOO COMPLETELY shameless, regarding anything my Lovely Domme and I do, that anyone who thinks they can kink shame me, has bitten off more than they can chew...
I proudly OWN every kink that She and I share.... and heaven help anybody who ever tries to shame Her!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Sounds like he's kink shaming women who prefer younger men.

Trying to kink shame women who won't fuck him. more like.

I remember some of the anti-kink 'feminists' arguing that any SM was bad. A lot seemed to be the same ones who slid into anti-trans rhetoric and becoming obsessive TERFs.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

anti-kink 'feminists'

They are making a come back, especially among younger women.

 

[Erosfan]

That's an interesting thought, but I'm SOOOO COMPLETELY shameless, regarding anything my Lovely Domme and I do, that anyone who thinks they can kink shame me, has bitten off more than they can chew...
I proudly OWN every kink that She and I share.... and heaven help anybody who ever tries to shame Her!

I'm with you. I love my kinks and I don't care what others think. I don't have anything to say about other's kinks either.
If you and your partner enjoy each other's kinks, so be it.
There are kinks that don't interest me or I don't care for, but I fully support you and your interests.

 

[FreckledSprite]

I enjoy the kinks I enjoy. Others enjoy what they enjoy. If someone isn’t into mine but open to explore anyway, cool. But I’ll never force the issue and I always appreciate when someone recognizes how I’ll keep an open mind but will give a hard No to anything I really don’t want to try.

Saying no isn’t shaming.

 

[Boat1]

I'm with you. I love my kinks and I don't care what others think. I don't have anything to say about other's kinks either.
If you and your partner enjoy each other's kinks, so be it.
There are kinks that don't interest me or I don't care for, but I fully support you and your interests.

Well said, my friend!

 

[apom]

I've been shamed plenty for being what I am, and I like it.

 

[Boat1]

I've been shamed plenty for being what I am, and I like it.

You're amazing!

 

[HarleyQuim]

Kink shaming is bad for a lot of reasons. First, people should MYOB! If it’s safe, sane and consensual nobody else needs to have an opinion.

Secondly, we call too many thing kinky that should not be. Some people view oral sex and the positions people do it in as kinky. Clothed (insert gender) Naked (insert gender) is a named fetish despite the fact that the vast majority of people enjoy being nude in front of their partner(s). Shaming these sorts of things makes people repress perfectly healthy sexual wants.

However, people who are into things that are harmful, like underage, non-consent, abuse, incest… have been trying for years to hide under the umbrella of the safe, sane, consensual kink community and cry “kink shaming” when they’re called out. We need to understand the difference.

 

[PaxNurgle]

^Good post.

One other "Kink" that I am seeing far too much of lately, is people leaning on the government to criminalize certain sexual behaviors among consenting adults. It's like some kind of power-trip fetish for these people. "I don't like what you are into sexually, so I want to stop it, but if I can't, I'll make Big Brother put you in jail for it." This is another example of one person's kink stomping on the dignity and rights of others, which I take a very dark view on.

 

[Sol41]

Live and let live and mind your buisness stay the course for me.

The simple joy of not having an opinion in a world that expects you to have one.

 

[lowcollar]

The only kink shaming I have an interest in, is being called names and made fun of by my Mistress as part of our sexcapades.

 

[Astrotrain]

They are making a come back, especially among younger women.

Yeah, and they've got a real hate for BDSM. They say what you'd expect about maledom/femsub but irritatingly they also go after us male subs as well. Because apparently we're fetishising being a woman. Because they define the submissive role as the woman's role even if a man is doing it. And they call us the sexist ones.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Yeah, and they've got a real hate for BDSM. They say what you'd expect about maledom/femsub but irritatingly they also go after us male subs as well. Because apparently we're fetishising being a woman. Because they define the submissive role as the woman's role even if a man is doing it. And they call us the sexist ones.

Yeah. It's frustrating because consent is a huge part of BDSM

 

[cascadiabound]

Othering is a real problem right now. Pointing at someone else or a group of people you don't like or don't understand and then either trying to shame them or criminalize consenting adult behavior is shockingly common and absolutely not okay.

Sexuality is so fraught for so many people and they have so much cognitive dissonance between their urges and what they think is acceptable it creates a huge opportunity to shame others especially if they feel empowered and encouraged to do so. It makes me so sad and worried about the future.

 

[Boat1]

^Good post.

One other "Kink" that I am seeing far too much of lately, is people leaning on the government to criminalize certain sexual behaviors among consenting adults. It's like some kind of power-trip fetish for these people. "I don't like what you are into sexually, so I want to stop it, but if I can't, I'll make Big Brother put you in jail for it." This is another example of one person's kink stomping on the dignity and rights of others, which I take a very dark view on.

SPOT-ON Pax!
If I don't have the right to break someone's leg or pick their pocket (which I don't) I have ZERO moral grounds to "convey the right" or give my "proxy" (that I don't have) to some goons with blue suits and tin badges, to do it FOR me....
I look at every aspect of Govt, based on that criteria/ litmus test...

 

[kinkyyjulia]

I've been shamed plenty for being what I am, and I like it.

I openly flaunt my kinks and many a times have been kink shamed but I have actually started enjoying it and being more and more open about my kinks.