King Og's Rules Of Etiquette

[oggbashan]

By popular request (actually Perdita asked which makes it popular with me) I am attempting to write my rules of etiquette which will eventually become a submission under "How To".

I would be very grateful for contributions and suggestions from the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Authors' Hangout for rules to be included in the forthcoming Magnum Opus.

I attach the definitions from the Prologue and a few suggested Chapters. At this stage ideas for other Chapter Headings would be appreciated. My intention is that the Rules should cover almost all interactions between Gentlemen and Ladies for example "How should a Gentleman respond to an Instruction from a Lady to "Go f**k yourself!"?".

I hope that the result will be Useful, Instructional and Entertaining.

Respectfully yours, King Og.

Here follows the Beginning:

"King Og’s Rules of Etiquette for the Conduct of Gentlemen towards Ladies Written by a King with Thousands of Years of Experience which does NOT make Him any less Fallible than Gentlemen of Tender Years. Any Sensible Suggestions for Improvement will be incorporated in Subsequent Editions and Contributions Gratefully Acknowledged.

PROLOGUE

1. Definitions.

a) A Lady is a Female Member of the Human Species Who is
apparently over the Age of Eighteen Years or of a greater Age if the local Culture requires.

b) A Young Lady is a Female Member of the Human Species Who is apparently under the Age defined in a) above. The Conduct of a Gentleman to a Young Lady will be defined in a separate and extensive Publication available at Extra Cost.

c) If there is Doubt whether the Person is Female a Gentleman should attempt an Instant Judgement by External Appearance. It follows therefore that a Trans-Sexual or Cross-Dresser should be regarded as being a Lady and entitled to be treated by a Gentleman as a Lady. If the Person’s sex is difficult for the Gentleman to distinguish by external Appearance, Clothing or Manner, then the Gentleman should treat the Person as a Lady but should use a Gender-Neutral Mode of Address until the Doubt is resolved. A Trans-Sexual should continue to be regarded as being a Lady at all Times. A Cross-Dresser should be regarded as being a Lady only when dressed in Feminine Attire unless the Cross-Dresser clearly expresses a definite preference to be regarded as a Lady when dressed in Male Attire.

d) All Persons who meet the Definitions in a) and c) above should be entitled to be treated as a Lady unless and until the Person has unequivocally demonstrated that the Person is No Lady. These Rules of Etiquette do not cover the Conduct of a Gentleman to a Person Who is No Lady. However it is the Duty of a Gentleman to be Very Careful and be in the Possession of Incontrovertible Evidence before the Judgement that a Person is No Lady is made. Whenever possible a Gentleman should assume that a Lady is able to behave on Occasions as if She were No Lady and yet Still remain a Lady. A Person Who is No Lady would be expected to retain the Behaviour of being No Lady at all Times and in all Circumstances. Even a Proven No Lady may on Rare and Infrequent Occasions behave as if She were a Lady. On such Occasions She is entitled to be treated as if She were a Lady and should continue to be so treated until She again unequivocally demonstrates that She is No Lady.

A FEW SUGGESTED CHAPTERS:

Meeting a Lady
Conversation with a Lady
Warning about Apparent Sexual Nature of all Interactions between a Lady and a Gentleman
Sexual Interaction with a Lady (with sub-chapters on occasion, place, time.)
Interaction with a Lady Who is a Former Wife or Former Significant Other
Interaction with a Lady who is employed in a Retail Establishment
Interaction with a Lady who is employed in a Catering Establishment
Interaction with a Lady who is employed in an Hotel
Interaction with a Lady who is employed in the same Establishment as the Gentleman
Interaction with a Lady who is employed in “The Oldest Profession” (with sub-chapters on Negotiation, Parameters of Interaction, the Difference between Ladies Who are Employees and Those Who are Principals in Their Own Establishment, Interaction with the Lady’s Maid (Who of course is a Lady in Her Own Right))"

That is as far as the draft goes at present.

PS. It is a general rule that Kings are above etiquette so I may, on rare and infrequent occasions, lapse from the standards inculcated in my own Rules and yet remain, as I always am, impervious to criticism. Persistent critics should be mindful of the Royal Headsman whose axe is permanently sharp.

 

[oggbashan]

Sample Chapter

To elucidate the nature of King Og's Rules, I append a sample chapter:

Conduct of a Gentleman at a Naturist (Or Nudist) Establishment.

Any Gentleman whose body, and particularly his sexual organ, is not of a form likely to be pleasing to a majority of Ladies should not frequent such establishments.

On meeting a Lady while at a Naturist establishment a Gentleman should look at her face and not lower. He should acknowledge the Lady’s presence by the normal courtesies detailed elsewhere BUT unless he is of considerably advanced years he should also acknowledge the Lady’s presence by an immediate erection. If he is unable to comply with this requirement at all times including during spells of inclement weather he should not frequent such establishments. A Gentleman should appreciate that this requirement is onerous and particularly difficult if he has recently had a close sexual encounter with a Lady.

Inability to make the correct response upon meeting a Lady might lead her to assume that the Gentleman has either had a recent close sexual encounter with another Lady which could be embarrassing to other Lady with whom he had the close sexual encounter or that the Lady he is meeting is not being treated with the courtesy to which she is entitled.

If the Gentleman is actually in the presence of a Lady, with whom he has not recently had a close sexual encounter, when meeting another Lady, and he is unable to make the correct response, he would embarrass both Ladies.

If he has actually had the recent close sexual encounter and yet he is able to salute the second Lady correctly, the first Lady is likely to take his salute to the second Lady as an adverse comment on her own sexual performance or personal attraction.

It will therefore be seen that a Gentleman is likely to encounter dilemmas when at a Naturist establishment. Such dilemmas can only be avoided by avoiding such establishments.

The use of artificial stimulants to produce an erection is fraught with danger. The discovery of such a stimulant in the Gentleman’s possession may well be taken as adverse comment by ALL the Ladies present. A Gentleman should depart expeditiously if such a discovery is made.

To conclude this chapter a Gentleman is advised to consider very carefully before accepting an invitation to or proposing a visit to a Naturist establishment unless he is absolutely confident of producing the correct response at all times.


****

I hope that this sample which will be extended to give more instruction on how to initiate and perform close sexual encounters will give members of the AH a flavour of the work.

Og

 

[Guest]

God bless the King

Hail, Ogg. This is just what I envisioned. Thank you, and you'll hear from me anon.

Perdita

 

[oggbashan]

Conversation

Draft beginnings of the Chapter on Conversation:

A Gentleman should never assume or imply that a Lady is lacking in intelligence or education. His should endeavour to match the tone and subjects of conversation to the level of the Lady’s. If the Lady appears to be emulating the mannerisms and conversation of the mythical “Blonde Bimbo” the Gentleman should respond as if he were the male equivalent. To do otherwise may expose the Gentleman to ridicule if the Lady is later found to be a Doctor of Philosophy or has other signs of apparent intelligence.

A Gentleman should not pretend to knowledge or attainments that he does not possess because sooner or later he is likely to encounter a Lady who possesses the knowledge or attainments he professes to have. The revelation of his actual lack could embarrass the Lady. If a Gentleman does not possess the knowledge to sustain the conversation on a particular attainment or subject he should ask the Lady for instruction. It is better for a Gentleman to admit ignorance than to pretend knowledge. The Lady’s instruction may well be informative and whether it is or is not the Gentleman is likely to gain credit with the Lady for his frank admission and his willingness to listen to her attentively.

The end of the last paragraph brings me to an important point in a Gentleman’s conversation with a Lady. At all times the Gentleman should listen carefully to what she says and couch his answer in terms that show that he has listened and understood. A conversation requires a speaker and a listener. The Gentleman should take the latter role more frequently than the Lady.

 

[oggbashan]

Last Instalment for several hours...

2. GENERAL PRINCIPLES

A Gentleman should always conduct himself in such a manner as to avoid distress or embarrassment to a Lady. Any rule contained within this manual should be disregarded if its application in the circumstances of the encounter with the Lady might cause distress or embarrassment to the Lady.

A Gentleman should always conduct himself with discretion. A Gentleman should not take any action or refrain from taking an action if such action or inaction might distress or embarrass a Lady.

A Gentleman should always remember that the Lady is the sole judge of the appropriateness of his conduct. If the Lady wishes to enforce or disregard any of the rules she has absolute discretion to do so.

A Gentleman may at any time be adjudged by a Lady to be No Gentleman. There is no appeal against such a Judgement. However the Gentleman should continue to behave towards the Lady and all other Ladies as if he were still a Gentleman even after he has been adjudged to be No Gentleman. There is NO Justification for behaving as No Gentleman.


I hope that members of the AH will add topics to be covered in this comprehensive manual. Perhaps some Lady will respond with her Rules on the behaviour of Ladies towards Gentlemen?

Regards and saluations from Og (who is of considerably advanced years and has no intention of visiting a Naturist establishment).

 

[flawed_ethics]

As I've warned, I'm no gentleman...

Standard practices insist one never assumes a lady's age. Of utmost importance, one is never to inquire as to a lady's age. To do so is both rude and of bad taste.

Of course, there's many tangents involved in this, and as always there are exceptions. Nonetheless, I feel it deserves a footnote somewhere.

Are you foregoing common sense rules of a gentleman, such as my note, in your opus?

 

[oggbashan]

Re: As I've warned, I'm no gentleman...

Standard practices insist one never assumes a lady's age. Of utmost importance, one is never to inquire as to a lady's age. To do so is both rude and of bad taste.

Of course, there's many tangents involved in this, and as always there are exceptions. Nonetheless, I feel it deserves a footnote somewhere.

Are you foregoing common sense rules of a gentleman, such as my note, in your opus?

Thank you for your contribution.

I agree that the standard practice is not to assume a Lady's age.

I also agree that a Gentleman should never ask a Lady's age nor should he make any comment or action that might question any age she might assign to herself.

However my rules are designed for members of Literotica. They must make some attempt at estimating whether a Lady is or is not over eighteen years of age. If there is doubt a Gentleman should act as if the Lady is actually a Young Lady and therefore he is not allowed to have any sexual thoughts about her at all by Literotica's Rules.

My intention is that the Rules should both amuse and instruct. Among the airy persiflage there should be an intent to improve the behaviour of Gentlemen (or No Gentlemen) towards Ladies and hopefully sage advice to improve a Gentleman's prospects of achieving the object of his interaction with a Lady, whether his intentions are mere dalliance or to start and maintain a serious relationship.

If the Members of the Authors' Hangout help with this opus, I hope that it may grow to cover such topics as ground rules of BDSM and sound parameters of sexual interaction one of which must be not to take any action which would cause genuine distress to the partner whether Lady or Gentleman.

Thank you for introducing a topic which may be usefully expanded to a Chapter of the Rules.

Og

 

[Guest]

Ogg, please forgive my neglect, I do not want this thread to fade away or you to abandon this opus. I am still grateful for your intent, as should we all be.

A situation that has at times caused some small anxiety for me is the common practice of playing footsies, as in under-the-table. I believe rules of etiquette for gentlemen and ladies who particpate in this romantic game, as well as for those who find themselves at same table, would be of great help. The following are my opinions; I hope you might prove useful in abridging, editing or expanding on them, and finally codifying all into a section of your book.

- Neither a gentleman or a lady should make any great show of their reactions whilst mutually fondling each other's foot or feet, whether in a public establishment or at a private party.

- Neither a gentleman or a lady near the footsying (sp?) party should acknowledge that party.

- There should be some guidance for the gentleman in how he approaches the foot of a lady.

- There should be some guidance for the lady to respond or reject the foot of a gentleman.

- The gentleman should take care not to fondle more of the lady's foot, ankle, shin, knee or thigh than she desires; i.e., the gentleman should know when to stop.

 

[MathGirl]

Don't stop now!

Dear Og,
Please continue your thread. It sort of codifies common sense and courtesy. That is almost nonexistant in persons my age, and those are two of the multitude of reasons why I don't associate with them.

I'm always impressed with the way you approach a subject. After a couple of paragraphs, the reader knows it's going to go on for several hundred pages. I like your writing style.
MG
Ps. Did I misspell a word above? It looks wrong whether I use the "a" or the "e".
Pps. Do Englishmen actually use the term "growling at the badger?" I think it's a very cool and descriptive phrase.

 

[champagne1982]

Forgive me, please, Your Highness,

I feel that you absolutely must clarify what a Gentleman is to do if a Lady happens to have consumed a drop or two too much of the delicious sangria at the paella supper and is in imminent danger of crossing the fine line that would define Her as absolutely No Lady. Is it acceptable for a Gentleman to accept a Lady's invitation to do the flamenco on the supper table before the dishes have been cleared? If a Gentleman accepts, would that mean he is No Gentleman and has branded the erstwhile Lady as No Lady irrevocably by his callous acceptance of her invitation? What if a Gentleman declines the Lady's invitation to flamenco on the supper table prior to the clearing of the dishes? Would refusal mark a Gentleman as No Gentleman and the Lady as No Lady regardless?

I'm curious as to what a Gentleman is supposed to do.

Sign me, Fuzzy at the Fiesta...

 

[OldnotDead]

Re: Conversation - suggested append

Draft beginnings of the Chapter on Conversation:
. . .
The end of the last paragraph brings me to an important point in a Gentleman’s conversation with a Lady. At all times the Gentleman should listen carefully to what she says and couch his answer in terms that show that he has listened and understood. A conversation requires a speaker and a listener. The Gentleman should take the latter role more frequently than the Lady.

Gentlemen are advised that if at anytime illogical statements, confusion, or distractions of any kind make a Gentleman unable to make a thoughful, supportive response, a Gentleman would be well advised to simply reply, "Yes, Dear."

OnD

Would suggest that Og's rule #106 be modified to include ALL beaches. That while some women might enjoy the stimulation of pearls in their most intimate areas, few women, if any, would wish to imitate oysters and make any attempt at growing pearls from embedded sands.

 

[Seattle Zack]

Perhaps I might inquire about a Gentleman's proper behavior towards a Lady the morning after an evening that was particularly bibulous and lubricious.

Would it be appropriate, for instance, to depart before the Lady awakens, thus allowing her to attend to her morning toiletries in peace and saving her the indignity of reprimanding the lout that she, against her better judgement perhaps, decided to award her favors?

Or should one go to extravegant expense and hardship to procure superb viands for the Lady's consumption as she awakens, assuring her by one's decorous demeanor that no mention of the besotted revelry the night before need be made?

 

[champagne1982]

Perhaps I might inquire about a Gentleman's proper behavior towards a Lady the morning after an evening that was particularly bibulous and lubricious.

Sir! That was No Lady and You are No Gentleman!

Yours,
Righteously Umbraged

 

[oggbashan]

Reply to Perdita about foot flirting

Dear Lady,

I think that you are more qualified than I to write the chapters about the gentle art of flirting.

I had always understood that foot flirting should only be initiated by the Lady and she should set the parameters and limits for the activity. It is not so easy for a gentleman to shed his footwear nor to replace the footwear discreetly.

I would be honoured if you would condescend to contribute "Perdita's Rules of Flirting" either as an Appendix to the forthcoming opus or as a publication in its own right.

There appears to be potential for a chain "how to" story which could include contributions such as "How to become and remain a "No Lady"" with examples of appropriate behaviour patterns; "How a Gentleman seduces a Lady while remaining a Gentleman" for which Casanova's ghost may need to be invoked; etc.

Yours

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Don't stop now!

Dear lady MG

nonexistant

should be nonexistent

Pps. Do Englishmen actually use the term "growling at the badger?" I think it's a very cool and descriptive phrase.

"Growling at the badger" I understand was originally limited in its use to Glasgow, that renowned City of European Culture, but was popularised by the comedian Billy Connelly, and is now understood in most of the English Speaking World. Its use in day to day speech still tends to be confined to less civilised parts of Scotland.

I hope that helps.

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Forgive me, please, Your Highness,

I feel that you absolutely must clarify what a Gentleman is to do if a Lady happens to have consumed a drop or two too much of the delicious sangria at the paella supper and is in imminent danger of crossing the fine line that would define Her as absolutely No Lady. Is it acceptable for a Gentleman to accept a Lady's invitation to do the flamenco on the supper table before the dishes have been cleared? If a Gentleman accepts, would that mean he is No Gentleman and has branded the erstwhile Lady as No Lady irrevocably by his callous acceptance of her invitation? What if a Gentleman declines the Lady's invitation to flamenco on the supper table prior to the clearing of the dishes? Would refusal mark a Gentleman as No Gentleman and the Lady as No Lady regardless?

I'm curious as to what a Gentleman is supposed to do.

Sign me, Fuzzy at the Fiesta...

Dear Champagne1982,

A Gentleman should have ensured that the Lady he was escorting was discreetly prevented from consuming "a drop or two too much" if necessary by instructing the staff to ensure that the Lady's drinks were non-alcoholic while appearing to be alcoholic. I understand that non-alcoholic wines are available. If a Lady is close to drinking "a drop or two too much" she is unlikely to notice the substitution which would otherwise be obvious to a person of refined taste.

If however the Gentleman has been unable to prevent the Lady from reaching a condition in which she wishes to dance a flamenco on the table he should use delaying tactics so that the table is cleared before the dance commences. It may be necessary to substitute a table that can bear the weight of the participants. A few passionate kisses and an insistence that she should not dance until she has the perfect red rose between her teeth might be effective. The rose will have to be de-thorned which could occupy another minute or two. He should, of course, accompany her in the dance, supporting and guiding her. His main task is to watch over her safety, then her modesty, and finally to avoid embarrassment which could accrue if she were to dance alone.

Note: Some Ladies can express this behaviour without imbibing any alcohol at all. If the Gentleman is escorting such a Lady he should only frequent such establishments that are sympathetic to impromptu exhibitions of the terpsichorian arts.

Yours

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Perhaps I might inquire about a Gentleman's proper behavior towards a Lady the morning after an evening that was particularly bibulous and lubricious.

Would it be appropriate, for instance, to depart before the Lady awakens, thus allowing her to attend to her morning toiletries in peace and saving her the indignity of reprimanding the lout that she, against her better judgement perhaps, decided to award her favors?

Or should one go to extravegant expense and hardship to procure superb viands for the Lady's consumption as she awakens, assuring her by one's decorous demeanor that no mention of the besotted revelry the night before need be made?

Dear Seattle Zack,

Champagne's response is nearly correct.

However there are two parts to your query:

The night before:

A Gentleman should not take advantage of any Lady that is not in full possession of her senses. If the Lady has had "a drop or two too much", the Gentleman should remain absolutely correct in his behaviour and divert her advances. He should escort her to a place of safety, preferably with her female friends who can care for her until she is restored to perfect understanding. The next morning (but not too early) the Gentleman should call bearing a floral tribute to the Lady with a message that he hopes she has recovered from her slight indisposition. He should also distribute thanks and floral tributes to the Lady's friends for their courtesy in assisting the Lady when she was indisposed.

The morning after:

There should be no morning after unless the Lady had consented while in full possession of her faculties. If that is the case, the Gentleman should not leave without expressing his thanks in a manner that the Lady deems appropriate. If possible, the Gentleman should shave before expressing his thanks.

Yours

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Re: Conversation - suggested append

Gentlemen are advised that if at anytime illogical statements, confusion, or distractions of any kind make a Gentleman unable to make a thoughful, supportive response, a Gentleman would be well advised to simply reply, "Yes, Dear."

OnD

Would suggest that Og's rule #106 be modified to include ALL beaches. That while some women might enjoy the stimulation of pearls in their most intimate areas, few women, if any, would wish to imitate oysters and make any attempt at growing pearls from embedded sands.

Dear OnD

Your suggestion is indeed valid if the Gentleman is married to the Lady. If he is not, the Gentleman should endeavour to vary his responses. Interjections such as "I'm not sure I follow that..."; "Do you mean...?"; "I'm sure you are right..." might be appropriate. All the responses should remain open-ended to allow the Lady to continue her conversation until she reaches a point at which the Gentleman can make a meaningful reply.

Og's rule #106 assumes the preceding rules. Some material such as a blanket, a large towel, or an inflated airbed should be provided for beach encounters. Og's rule #106 applies when the material is thin enough to allow the uneveness of the underlying surface to be detected. On sandy beaches a windbreak should be provided if there is any perceptible wind. Beaches with particularly fine sand should be avoided because a Gentleman's efforts will fail to prevent the ingress of sand to inappropriate places.

Yours

Og

 

[Guest]

Re: Reply to Perdita about foot flirting

I would be honoured if you would condescend to contribute "Perdita's Rules of Flirting" either as an Appendix to the forthcoming opus or as a publication in its own right.

There appears to be potential for a chain "how to" story which could include contributions such as "How to become and remain a "No Lady"" with examples of appropriate behaviour patterns; "How a Gentleman seduces a Lady while remaining a Gentleman" for which Casanova's ghost may need to be invoked; etc.

HRH:

I cannot deny such a gentlemanly and propitious proffer. Your proposed title is a weighty one but I promise to proceed and progress with little prodigality.

Proficiently but prurient, erm, prudently,

Perdita

 

[Seattle Zack]

Sir! That was No Lady and You are No Gentleman!

Yours,
Righteously Umbraged

Certainly not the first to make that observation, which is why I am hoping that perhaps the wisdom dispensed by King Og can redeem even such a cad as I.

(But she was a Lady ... very much so ... until the third shot of Jagermeister ... looking back, I can see that Og was right, that's the very point at which I erred)

--Z